The Brain-Jacked Chronicles
The Too Successful Experiment
By Melanie Brown
Copyright © 2004
Part 3
Despite being in a hospital hallway, Nancy, a few
nurses, and Bill, my physical therapist broke out into applause and cheers as I
took my first couple of unassisted steps. At the end of two steps, I started
to teeter slightly and a nurse reached out to steady me. I waved her off and
stood there for a moment, completely on my own.
I looked over at Nancy and she was beaming. “Good girl!” she cried. “Walking
in just over four weeks. Outstanding!” She walked up to me and gave me a huge
hug. “Excuse me just a moment. I need to call Dr. Gordon.” As she turned
around, the ever-present cell phone was against her ear as she sought out a more
quiet part of the hall.
I was beginning to become more accustomed to my new
body. I no longer felt weird or disembodied. The shifting of my small, perky
breasts when I moved was beginning to feel natural and expected. Sometimes,
when I was alone in my room, lying in bed, I’d play with my breasts, amazed at
how sensitive they were and how they reacted to touch. The catheter prevented
exploring other regions of my body. I was told that if I successfully walked,
the catheter would soon be removed. But to be honest, I still wasn’t sure if I
could face the complete reality that I was no longer male.
After two more steps and nearly falling, Bill suggested
I sit back down in the wheelchair and take a rest. The four little steps had
tired me out and I was ready for a rest. As I was sitting, Dr. Sam Wright
entered the hallway, stopped and studied me for a moment before approaching.
Ignoring me altogether, Dr. Wright said to Bill, “So,
how is the subject progressing?”
Shrugging, Bill said, “She’s doing great, Dr. Wright.
She just walked. All on her own.”
Dr. Wright looked surprised. “Really now? Where’s Nancy?”
Bill pointed, “She’s around the corner. She’s calling
Dr. Gordon.”
“Ah, of course.” Dr. Wright looked down at me. “So,
…” A pained look crossed his face. Straining, he said, “Miss…It looks like
you’re making remarkable progress. This is quite a testament to Dr. Gordon’s
expertise.”
“Oh, Dr. Wright! I didn’t know you were over here.”
said Nancy as she came back from around the corner. “Did you see her walk?”
Dr. Wright shook his head. “No, sorry. Is Frank on
his way over here?” Nancy nodded. “Good. I’m sure he’ll want to see a
demonstration himself. I’ll stick around and watch the show.”
“He’ll be here shortly. He’s seeing a patient on Six
West, but he’s almost finished.” Nancy seemed uneasy around Dr. Wright. She then knelt next
to me and took my hand.
“I’m so proud of you Miss Shepherd.” She looked
thoughtful for a moment, then said, “Have you given any thought to what name
you would like to use. Calling you ‘Miss Shepherd’ all the time sounds so
formal. Unless it’s your desire to be continued to be addressed like that.”
I had given some thought to picking a name. It was
clear I couldn’t stay ‘James’. “What was the name of the girl who donated her
body to me?”
Nancy took a
short look at the floor before saying in a low voice, “Stephanie. Her name was
Stephanie.”
“That’s it then.” I said. “I’ll keep my last name and
I’ll take her first name.”
“Are you sure that’s the name you want to use?” asked Nancy.
“Yeah. She deserves to keep her name.” I said. Then
I fell asleep.
* * *
I was standing, looking out the window of my hospital
room when I heard, “Good morning, Stephanie.” I turned around and there was Nancy,
standing in the doorway along with a teenaged girl I’d never seen before. “Do
you mind if we come in?”
Taking a shaky step back towards the bed I said, “No,
I don’t mind.”
“Stephanie, meet Ashley.” Ashley looked a little
older than me, but probably not by much. Nancy brought Ashley close to the bed and said, “Ashley is nineteen
and a pre-med student at the university.” Ashley had blue eyes and long light
brown hair that hung down to the middle of her back.
Turning towards Ashley, she said, “Ashley, this is
Stephanie. She’s fifteen and recently had a brain operation and is having to
relearn how to do just about everything. She just started walking a few days
ago. I thought it would be very helpful if Stephanie had another girl close to
her age come to visit and give her a little girl talk. All she sees anymore
are doctors and nurses. Maybe you can help her pick out clothes and show her
how to wear make-up, talk about boys and so on.”
“Sure Dr. Davidson. No problem” said Ashley. To me
she said, “Hi Stephanie. How are you?”
“Doing OK, considering.” I said. I wasn’t sure how
much I was going to like this. I understood that this was how Nancy intended
to indoctrinate me into this new life I was facing. She’d said I talked too
much like a man in his forties.
Nancy started
walking towards the door. “I’ll let you two get acquainted. I’ll be back in
about fifteen minutes.
After Nancy left, I asked Ashley, “So, are you friends with Nancy?”
Shaking her head, she said, “Yes. Well, not really,
sort of. I’m in her psychology class at the university and she asked me if I
wanted to help out for extra credit.”
“She teaches class? I didn’t know that.” Hmmm. She
had called Nancy “Dr.”
“Oh sure. A lot of the doctors at the hospital also
teach or do research at the university.” Ashley paused a moment, then
hesitantly asked, while pointing at my head, “Can I ask what happened?”
I didn’t know how much Nancy had told her. I know Dr.
Gordon and Dr. Wright still wanted the nature of my operation kept quiet. Some
of the staff around me knew, but most did not. I decided to stick with the
truth as far as I could take it and not let the cat out of the bag. “I was in
a traffic accident. I was given two choices. I could die, or have this
operation with less than one percent chance of surviving.”
Ashley said, “Wow. Not much choice, huh? Do you
remember anything?”
“No. I’ve had to relearn to talk, walk, or even just
moving my muscles. I have no memory of being a little girl.”
Ashley said, “Man! That like, really sucks. I’m
happy to help with what I can, though. Do you like movies? Books? TV shows?
I have some old magazines like Seventeen, ‘Teen and Elle Girl
I can bring up here for you to read if you like.”
“Sure, bring them over. I could use something to
read.” I said.
“Great! And Dr. Davidson said she was going to get
you some make-up so I can show you how to use it. You’ll love that! Make-up
is a lot of fun!”
I forced a smile and said, “Cool. I can’t wait.”
We talked, or rather I should say, Ashley talked for
about ten more minutes before Nancy returned. “Hi girls. How’s everything going?”
“Just great, Dr. Davidson.” said Ashley.
I said, “I’ve really enjoyed Ashley’s visit.”
Nancy smiled
and said, “I’m glad you girls are friends now. Stephanie, I think these visits
will help you a lot. And, more good news Stephanie. As soon as you’re able to
walk OK, they’re going to move you to a different ward. One that’s not so much
like a hospital and you can dress in normal clothes and have a little more freedom
to walk around.”
Ashley glanced at her watch and said, “I’ve got
another class to get to. I’ll see you tomorrow, Steph!” and with that, she
bounded out into the hallway forcing Dr. Wright and Dr. Gordon to step aside.
Dr. Wright asked Nancy, “Who is she, and what’s she doing in here?”
Nancy
explained what Ashley was doing. Dr. Gordon nodded his head during Nancy
explanation, while Dr. Wright frowned.
Dr. Wright snapped at Nancy, “Who authorized this?
What does this have to do with the subject regaining the necessary motor skills
and…”
Dr. Gordon interrupted saying, “Sam, Nancy and I
discussed this yesterday. I was going to tell you, but it slipped my mind.
Socialization as a teen girl is just as important as developing motor skills.”
“Frank, normally I’d agree with you. But we don’t
know how much time we have left with this subject. We should be using all our
available time stress testing your surgery, not worrying about whether or not
the subject knows how to put on eye shadow!”
Looking horrified, Dr. Gordon exclaimed, “Sam! Don’t
talk like this in front of Stephanie! Are you nuts? Let’s discuss this in my
office.”
Disgustedly, Dr. Wright almost shouted, “You’re the
one that’s nuts!” Pointing at me he continued, “That’s not a person laying
there. That’s two dead people you’ve sewn together! You and I both expected
the subject to be dead before four weeks! The longer the subject lives the
harder it will be to keep a lid on this. Once word gets out about what we’ve
done, instead of Dr. Frank N. Gordon, they’ll be calling you Dr. Frank N.
Stein!”
“I couldn’t care less what they call me! She’s the
result of the most radical surgery ever performed. I have a responsibility to
her to…”
Cutting Dr. Gordon off in mid-sentence, Dr. Wright shouted,
“You have a responsibility to the folks that funded this little experiment of
ours not to let this get out of hand! We’re five million dollars over budget
as it is!”
Before Dr. Gordon could say anything, Nancy shouted,
“Doctors! Please! You’re frightening Stephanie!” If there ever was an
understatement, that was it.
“Bah!” spat Dr. Wright. “Why did you give your little
pet a name? Dr. Davidson, you should be using the project name of Subject One Twenty-seven.
Frank, I’m going to the board about this. You’ve become personally involved
and I think we need to shut this project down.”
Shut it down? Shut it down? What did he mean?
Despite an effort not to, I began to cry. I’ve faced down guys shooting at me
in the Iraqi sand, but these two doctors arguing were scaring me to death.
Looking from Dr. Wright, to me and back again, Dr.
Gordon said as calmly as he could, “Sam, let’s discuss this in my office. I
think it’d be pre-mature to end this project now. We haven’t gotten all data
we need yet. Better yet, let’s go take a break over at Starbucks. I’ll buy. Nancy, I’ll
give you a call later.”
As the two doctors left the room, Nancy rushed
to me and put her arms around me. Soothingly, she said, “There, there honey.
Don’t cry. It’s OK.”
Still crying, I asked, “What did that one doctor mean
by ‘shut this project down’?
Nancy hugged
me tighter and said, “He’s just upset. Don’t worry, honey. I won’t let
anything happen to you. Everything’s going to be OK.”
From the tone in her voice, I don’t think she believed
it herself.
* * *
The next morning, Dr. Gordon and Nancy entered my room
together. I was immediately uncomfortable because both were smiling.
I sat up in bed and said, “Good morning, Nancy, Dr.
Gordon.”
Dr. Gordon waved his hand as if he was brushing
something aside and said, “Please, call me Frank. Gather up what belongings
you have. We’re moving you to the south campus where it’s not so clinical. We
still need to have you somewhere where we can monitor your progress and still
get your physical therapy.”
Nancy said,
“And, I gave some money to Ashley and she bought some clothes she thinks you’ll
like.”
“That’s great!” I said. “Does this mean I’m close to
being released from the hospital? And what does happen to me then?”
Frank’s smile left as he answered, “That’s what we’re
going to have to hash out with the board, the ethics committee and a panel of
psychologists. It won’t be any time soon. You’re not at one hundred percent
yet and we still have a lot of tests to do first.”
I took a look around the room that had been my home
for over five weeks. “I’m ready. Let’s go.”
* * *
“You look great!” Nancy said, stepping back from me to get a better look. I
wasn’t wearing anything fancy – just the top and jeans that Ashley had bought
for me. It was also the first time I’d worn a bra and panties. The bra was
uncomfortable, but Nancy had told me to get used to it since I had to wear
one.
“I feel weird. I really don’t think I like this.” I
said, pointing to the fact that the top didn’t come all the way down to tuck
into the jeans. My midriff was exposed and that felt uncomfortable too. I was
always trying to pull it down.
“You look really cute. In fact…” a knock on the door
interrupted Nancy. Opening the door revealed Ashley carrying a make-up
case. I was definitely not excited to see that case. I was not looking
forward to trying on make-up.
“Hi guys!” beamed Ashley. She looked me over and
said, “Those clothes look good on you, girl. Oh, I forgot to give you this
yesterday.” She handed me a dark blue knit cap.
“Hey Ashley!” I said. “Thanks for the clothes. I
like them a lot.” As I took the knit cap I said, “What’s this for?”
She looked sheepish and said, “It’s to cover up the
fact that you have a shaved head.”
I ran my hand over the buzz cut on my head. It’ll
take months before it grows out. I put the cap on my head and struck a pose.
Until then I hadn’t noticed how cold my head was.
Nancy said, “Hey,
looks good. Hopefully you’ll have some hair we can comb in a couple of
months.” She looked at her watch and said, “Oh! I have a meeting in five
minutes. See you girls later.”
Nancy started
to open the door, paused, then turned around. “Oh! I almost forgot.” She dug
around in her purse then pulled out a cell phone. “Here Stephanie. I want you
to keep this phone handy. Don’t let the doctors or staff know you have it.
Only use it to call the number in the address book. It’s just for
emergencies.” Another round of pleasantries and she was gone.
“I’ve got some time before my next class.” Ashley
said. “Wanna make-over?” She started emptying the contents of the make-up bag
on the dresser.
“I don’t want to use up all your make-up, Ash.” I
said, hoping to put this ordeal off.
Ashley turned with a grin and said, “All this is
yours. Dr. Davidson gave me some money to buy this as well. I tried to get
some really nice stuff.”
I ran my hand over the assortment of foundation,
lipsticks, gloss, and some items I didn’t have a clue as to what they were
for. “Wow, thanks! Look at all this stuff.”
Motioning for me to sit down, Ashley said, “Well,
let’s see what it looks like on you.”
We spent the better part of an hour with Ashley
showing me how to wear make-up. In the mirror I saw a typical teenage girl
with a burr haircut.
“You look good!” exclaimed Ashley. “Once you have
some hair, you’ll be a real heartbreaker. You’ll have to beat the guys off
with a stick!” Gee, I can’t wait.
* * *
I was sitting there, bored, watching television, when
there was a sudden knock on the door, then, Nancy let herself in. She was carrying a gym bag.
“Hi Nancy,” I said. “Is it time already for our session?”
“Yes. I wanted to know how your visit with Ashley
went. And I have something for you.” She opened the gym bag and pulled a cloth
case from it. “This is actually part of your therapy.”
She handed me the case and I opened it cautiously.
Inside was a small sewing kit, complete with thread, needles, scissors and
other things I wasn’t quite sure what they were. “Aahhh…I don’t know how to
sew. Besides, isn’t this kind of a stereotype?”
Nancy sighed
and said, “Well, I knew you would have a negative reaction to it. And yes, it
is a stereotype that girls sew. Part of what I’m trying to do is to get you to
do things that are traditionally considered ’girl things’. You’re going to be
spending the rest of your life as a female. I’m trying to get you into the
proper mind-set. Besides, you told me you were bored just watching
television.”
“Actually, I was hoping for a video game system…” I
said.
“There are some girl oriented games. Hmmm. Anyway, I
see you had a make-over! Looks good!” Nancy said sincerely.
“Thanks” I said sounding peeved. “I get another
make-over tomorrow.”
* * *
Ashley came over every day that week. Sometimes more
than once. She brought me some of her clothes she didn’t want any more,
magazines, and little things like earrings. She was bound and determined to
turn me into a little teen hottie.
Some of the clothes I was very embarrassed to wear,
like the extremely short denim skirts. Still, I wore these short skirts on my
visits to physical therapy, lab, etc. I think Dr. Gordon was surprised to see
me looking more like a girl. I’ll admit it, it gave me a thrill to catch the
guys looking at me. Even Dr. Wright seemed to notice that I was a girl and not
an ‘it’.
Thanks to Ashley, I really was starting to feel more
comfortable in my skin. And, for all I know, my brain might be getting some
re-wiring from the flood of hormones.
One Thursday morning, I was taking a shower. Nancy was on
her way over for our daily meeting. I had a number of questions for her.
Suddenly, as I swiped my washcloth from between my legs, I saw that it stained
with blood. I looked down and saw a little stream of blood swirling down the
drain. Oh my God, I’m dying! I thought. I screamed as I fell out of the
shower.
A nurse had heard the scream and found me lying on the
bathroom floor, amid sudsy water and my leg streaked with blood. “Call Dr.
Gordon!” I cried. “I think I’m dying!”
The nurse grabbed a towel and knelt beside me. She
took a quick look and asked, “Are you alright, Miss? That was some fall you
took.”
“No, I’m not alright!” I said, as I wiped the blood
from my leg onto the palm of my hand and showed it to the nurse. “Just look!”
The nurse shook her head and said, “Miss, you’re just
having a period. Don’t you have any tampons?”
Nancy then
stepped into the doorway and saw me still sprawled on the floor along with the
blood. “Steph! What happened? What’s going on?”
I held up my blood covered hand and said, “I don’t
know, you tell me.”
Nancy knelt
down beside me and along with the nurse, started to help me up. Nancy said
quietly in my ear so the nurse wouldn’t hear, “Welcome to womanhood,
Stephanie. Dr. Gordon will be interested to know you’ve started your period.”
A short while later, after everything was cleaned up
and Nancy and I were alone, I started to put on my make-up. I said to Nancy, “This
really bites! Just when I was beginning to think I might like being a girl,
this starts!”
Nancy just
shrugged. “It’s all part of becoming a woman, Steph. You’re a young woman
now. You’re going to find a lot of things different from what you’re used to.”
Trying to change the subject as I slid into one of my
miniskirts, I said, “Ashley said she’d like to have me come to a slumber party
tomorrow night at her apartment on the university campus. She said her and her
friends thought I might like it since supposedly I don’t ‘remember’ anything
from my childhood. They haven’t had a slumber party since they were all in
middle school and thought it’d be fun. What do you think?”
Nancy looked
thoughtful for a moment. “I think it would be good for you to go. However,
I’m not sure if Dr. Gordon would want you off hospital premises. I know Dr.
Wright wouldn’t. They don’t want you accidentally running into one of
Stephanie’s old friends or whatever, since she’s dead.”
“Is that a yes or a no?” I asked.
“Let me talk to Dr. Gordon. I’m thinking he might go
ahead and OK it.”
* * *
“Please have a seat, Dr. Davidson.” said Dr. Wright.
“Oh, and close the door. Thanks.”
Dr. Gordon turned to Nancy
after she was seated. “Doctor, what is your assessment of subject one twenty-seven?”
Nancy
straightened herself in the chair and smoothed her skirt before answering.
“She’s making excellent progress Dr. Gordon. Her dexterity is surprising. I
taught her how to sew this afternoon and after some fumbling initially, she
showed remarkable ability and precision. She seems to have full control over
her muscles. She can run, jump, catch a ball…just about anything you’d expect
a fifteen year old girl could do.”
Dr. Gordon nodded, then asked, “How is the subject
developing psychologically?”
Nancy
smiled as she looked from Dr. Wright to Dr. Gordon. She said, “Again,
remarkable progress in feminization. While she still has quite a bit of male
movements, over the past few days she’s starting to show a little more grace in
the way she moves her arms and walks. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve
tested her reaction to photographs of attractive males and females. At the
start of the study, as expected she showed more reaction to pictures of women.
The last study, she showed a significant improvement to having a positive
reaction to pictures of men.”
Shifting his position, Dr. Gordon then asked, “In your
opinion, when we’re done with our research, will it be possible to release the
subject into society and be successful in a female role?”
Nancy
said, “I think so. I mean, since she was born male, it may be impossible for
her brain to be completely feminized. She’s started making more progress after
I brought in Ashley, a student of mine that I recruited to help on this
project. She wore girls’ clothes for the first time this week. And also this
week, she learned how to apply make-up. Dr. Wright, I realize you don’t
consider that important, but it’s a big step in socialization and acceptance of
being female.”
“I appreciate that, Nancy.” said Dr. Wright. However,
we can’t be sure how much time we have with this subject. We’ve never had a
subject survive this long before.”
Dr. Gordon started to stand. “Thank you for the
update, Dr. Davidson. Excellent work.”
* * *
It was pure heaven. I closed my eyes and savored the
moment. God! It’d been ages since I’d last had a cheeseburger. I took
another bite, turned to Ashley, and said with my mouth full, “This is great!
Thank you so much!”
Ashley laughed and said, “You’re welcome! You’re
always griping to me about the hospital food.” Ashley had shown up with two of
her roommates to bring food and to introduce me to Catherine and Melissa.
As I was telling the three visitors about how Dr.
Wright had walked right into an open door when on my way to have some tests
done, I’d passed by him, wearing one of my shortest skirts, there was a knock
on the door, and then Nancy let herself in.
The girls were laughing at my story as she entered.
“Well, looks like we have a gaggle of giggly girls here.” She looked from girl
to girl and stopped when her eyes landed on Ashley. Frowning slightly she
said, “You know, Ashley, Stephanie is on a restricted diet and I don’t think
cheeseburgers are on it.”
Ashley looked at the floor, then to me, then lastly to
Nancy
and said, “I’m sorry Dr. Davidson. I was just trying to help Steph become more
like us.” She pointed to herself and two friends. “No offense, Stephanie, but
it was just a little creepy when I first met you. Your manner and the way you
spoke made me feel like I was talking to my dad, instead of another girl.”
Nancy said,
“Yes, Ashley, you’ve been a big help in getting Stephanie recovering her female
personality. But please, ask before doing something like this. There’s going
to be some changes coming in the next couple of weeks where it won’t matter
anyway, I guess.”
Everyone looked expectantly at Nancy, but she
just said, “I need to talk to Stephanie about it first…alone.” She looked
around with a look that told everyone it was time to go. As the three girls
were standing up, Nancy added, “Oh, by the way. I talked to Dr. Gordon and
as long as you go straight from the hospital to Ashley’s apartment at the
university and go nowhere else, you can have your slumber party. He thought
that it would be a good idea.”
“Thanks, Dr. Davidson! I know Stephanie will have fun
there.” Ashley said as she gave me a quick hug. They filed out the door and were
gone.
After they left, I said, “Thanks, Nancy, for
letting me go to the slumber party. Ashley was very excited about it. I
always wanted to spend the night with a half dozen girls…just never thought I’d
be one of them.”
“You’re welcome. Dr. Gordon thought it was a good way
to bring you into the world of teen girls. He also said you’ve been causing
quite a scene whenever you show up for your examinations. What’s up with
that?”
I laughed. “What? A girl can’t have some fun?”
“Sure, but tone it down, OK? Dr. Wright got a nose
bleed this afternoon.”
I giggled and I know I shouldn’t laugh at someone
getting hurt, but if there was anyone around who needed a little pain, it was
Dr. Wright. I said, “Nancy, what were you talking about earlier? Something
about some changes?”
Nancy sighed.
“Well, it all depends on what the board wants to do, but after he’s finished
testing you inside and out, Dr. Gordon is considering relocating you out of
state with a foster home where you’ll go back to school and re-integrate with
society.”
Shocked, I said, “Foster home? School?! I don’t want
to live in a foster home or go to school. I’ve got two degrees for God’s
sake! I’ve got…”
Interrupting me, Nancy said sternly, “You don’t have any degrees any more.
James Shepherd is dead. You’re a fifteen year old girl with no family with
what’s still, and will probably always be mostly a man’s brain. What are you
going to do? Try to get a job and live on your own at fifteen? I don’t think
so.”
“Well dammit, I don’t like it!” I said.
Frowning, Nancy said, “I don’t much care for it myself. I’m quite
fond of you and I’d really like to see you grow into a woman. But you can’t
stay here in this town. We can’t have you running into friends or family of
the “old” Stephanie. And going to school is a great way for socialization.”
Nancy sat down
next to me and gave me a warm hug. “Don’t worry about it. The doctors aren’t
through with you yet and we don’t know what the board will want to do. It’ll
all work out.”
* * *
I couldn’t believe how excited I was. Not only was I
going to my very first (and probably only) slumber party, but I was actually
off the hospital campus! I’d been outside since the operation, but today the
sky seemed more blue and the clouds fluffier.
It was late afternoon when Nancy pulled
the car up to the curb near the row of apartments that passed for student
housing at the university. As I jumped out of the car, Nancy took a
quick inventory. “Let’s see now, you’ve got your pajamas, tooth brush,
sleeping bag, change of clothes…?”
“Yes, Mommy.” I said sarcastically.
“We don’t want to forget anything.” Nancy walked
up to me and actually gave me a hug. “Have a great time, honey. Don’t forget
you have a date with your physical therapist at nine o’clock sharp tomorrow
morning.”
“I won’t forget. Thanks for everything, Nancy.” I said
as she climbed back into her car. I watched her drive away. I just stood
there for a moment, enjoying the feel of sunlight on my face and the breeze
swirling around my legs. I shuddered as I thought about how I was just mere
hours away from never being able to have this experience again. I gathered up
my stuff and headed for Ashley’s apartment.
Before I could even open the door, Ashley pulled it
open. “Hey girl! Come on in.” Pointing she said, “Just put your sleeping bag
there on the floor next to mine. Pizza’s on the way, Melissa’s making
popcorn. We’ve rented some movies and in the grand tradition of slumber
parties, everyone gets a make-over! You need to meet the guys.”
I set my stuff down where Ashley had indicated and
followed her into the main room where chaos reigned. Five other girls where
scattered around, in chairs and on the floor, looking at CD’s and talking.
Ashley called out to get everyone’s attention, “Hey
guys! I want you to meet Stephanie. She’s the girl I’ve been helping at the
hospital. Steph, here on the floor is Jenna and Mikki, over on the couch is
Michelle and Allison, and the girl in front of the TV is Anna, and you’ve
already met Catherine.”
Feebly, I said “Hi...”
Ashley said, “Go in the kitchen and help yourself to
some popcorn if you want.” She walks away. I stand there for a minute, not
really sure what to do. The TV is on, the stereo is playing, girls are
talking. It’s a lot more noise than what I’m used to. I headed for the
kitchen.
Melissa is in the kitchen manning the microwave. “Hi Steph.
Want some popcorn? Need a soda?”
“Sure! So this is a slumber party?”
Melissa smiled and said, “Well, not quite the same as
when we were all younger. Before it’d be at one of our houses, with parents
around, someone’s little brother trying to mess up the party and we might have
some games we’d play outside. We have some games though. Ever played Pictionary
or Trivial Pursuit?”
I had, but I just shrugged and said, “I don’t
remember.” Melissa handed me a bowl full of popcorn.
“Well, they’re fun to play. We have other games and
movies. We’ve got all night long.”
I wandered back to the living room and sat on the
floor and started watching the movie. Or rather I tried to watch it. There
were several conversations going on at once. Catherine had joined Jenna and Mikki
on the floor, looking through a magazine about celebrities.
Jenna suddenly turned towards me holding the magazine
open to one page. “Stephanie, which guy do you think is the cutest? The one on
the left or the one on the right?”
I had seen the young actors before and had considered
both of them to be twink boys, and I started to say as much. But I stopped
myself. I reminded myself that I needed to start thinking more like a teen
girl, especially since I am a teen girl. I was surprised that I really
did notice they were both cute. I said, “The one on the right is the cutest!”
Jenna smiled and said, “You’ve got good taste, Steph!
That’s three votes against your one, Mikki.”
“You guys must be blind!” Mikki protested.
That pretty much broke the ice. We all started
looking through Ashley’s magazine collection, looking at cute guys and laughing
at female celebrities’ poor fashion sense. This kept us occupied until the
pizza delivery guy knocked on the door. We all rushed the door, laughing and
pushing each other. The man delivering the pizza probably didn’t know what to
make of us, but he never took his eyes off us.
We all sat down on what once was Ashley’s clean carpet
and started munching on the pizza. Ashley put on a new movie, a recent
romantic comedy, and everyone settled back to watch it. We would have made it
the end of the movie without much interruption if Catherine hadn’t forgotten
about the popcorn in the microwave and left it on too long. We opened some
windows to try to get the burned smell out of the apartment.
That’s when Mikki pulled a case out of her bag and
announced, “Hey, I think it’s make-over time! Who’s first?”
Allison called out, “I want to be first!”
I sat there and watched as several girls were pampered
with being made up to look glamorous and having their hair re-arranged all
different ways.
Ashley prodded me from behind and said, “You’re next, Steph!”
I wasn’t sure about this. I had started wearing make-up,
even though I’d pretty much given up on things like eyeliner. It had been days
since I’d last poked myself in the eye with my mascara brush. I wore make-up
because that’s what everyone expects teen girls to do. But for the life of me,
I couldn’t figure out why? Make-up was a lot of trouble.
I sat down by Mikki’s make-up case, but Ashley said,
“Hold on a second. I’ve got something for you, Steph.” She darted off to her
bedroom. When she returned, there was something behind her back.
She said, “Close your eyes.”
I did and felt my cap being removed and what at first
felt like another cap coming down on my head. Then I noticed all the slight
tickles of long hairs around my neck.
Anna said, “That sure makes a difference!”
“OK, you can open your eyes.” Ashley said.
I opened my eyes and Ashley was holding a mirror in
front of me. As I had suspected, she had placed a wig on my head. The wig was
light brown and cascaded past my shoulders. I stared into the mirror with
disbelief. All I could say was, “Wow!”
Ashley laughed, “See? I told you with your hair back,
you’re going to be quite a little heartbreaker.”
Mikki said, “Let’s get started on your make-over!”
I have to admit, being fussed over was quite nice. Mikki
did my make-up while Ashley combed the wig. Finally Mikki said, “All done!”
Catherine said, “Stephanie, you’re beautiful! Maybe
you should let Mikki give you make-up tips instead of Ashley!” Ashley whacked
Catherine with a throw pillow.
Still, I just sat there, staring at myself in the
mirror. A beautiful young woman stared back at me. I started to weird out
from the fact that I was starting to lust after myself. Mikki had done a
wonderful job with the make-up. It was the way she’d done my eyes. I was
definitely going to have to work on getting eyeliner down better.
For the next couple of hours, all we did was make-overs.
Ashley let me do her make-up and it didn’t turn out too bad. I never would
have thought that sitting around playing with hair and make-up would actually
be fun. I couldn’t help thinking that guys just don’t know what they’re
missing.
We finally put on our pajamas and Ashley put on a
horror movie. It was a good one, but I didn’t find anything scary although the
other girls would jump and squeal at the appropriate times. Nothing can match
the personal horror of having your brain in a jar and watching your own corpse
being rolled out of the room.
Well into the second, Ashley gave me a little nudge
and pointed over to Catherine. She was sound asleep. Ashley whispered in my
ear, “You never want to be the first one to fall asleep at a slumber party.
Follow me.”
On her hands and knees, Ashley crawled across the
floor towards Catherine. The other girls, on the verge of going to sleep themselves
giggled softly as Ashley slowly pulled Catherine’s bra out from under her
sleeping bag. She slowly got up and gestured for me to follow. We walked into
the kitchen and up to the sink. Ashley rinsed the bra with water then opened
the freezer door of the fridge and tossed the bra inside.
We laid back down on our sleeping bags to finish
watching the movies. Just while we were in the kitchen, Mikki had zonked out.
By the time the movie ended, no one was watching anymore.
* * *
I was eating breakfast in front of the television when
Ashley’s phone rang. She answered it in the kitchen and I just heard a muffled
version of her side of the conversation. When she emerged from the kitchen,
she didn’t look happy.
“Sorry, Steph.” she said. “I got you in trouble. It’s
almost nine-thirty. You had an examination scheduled for nine o’clock. Sorry
I forgot to remind you. Dr. Davidson is not happy. She’s getting chewed out
by those two doctors. I’ll bring your stuff over later. We need to leave
now!”
“Crap! I forgot about it too! It’s not your fault.”
I was enjoying just being normal and being with friends for once. I was tired
of being a science project. I pulled off my wig and tossed with my stuff and
put the knit cap back on my head.
As we got into Ashley’s car, I said, “Don’t take me
back to my room. Drop me off at the front of the hospital. It’s closer to the
labs.” It only took a few minutes of driving to arrive at the hospital. The
university and hospital campuses are only separated by a freeway.
When she pulled up in front of the hospital, I gave
Ashley a big hug as I said, “Thank you for the slumber party! I had a great
time. I hope we can do something like that again.”
Smiling, Ashley said, “I’d love to. See ya later!”
I rushed through the front doors and quickly decided
to cut through outpatient registration as it was a more direct route. I’d
gotten in trouble before for running down the halls, so I so I was just walking
quickly as I rounded a corner. Coming from the other direction was a middle
aged woman and I guess her husband. I tried to stop, but bumped into them
anyway.
The woman looked at her husband as he helped steady
her and said, “Darn kids! I told you I didn’t want to come back to this
hospital!”
“I’m sorry!” I said. “It’s my fault I wasn’t looking
where I was going.”
At the sound of my voice, the woman suddenly stopped
complaining and she started staring at me, eyes big as saucers. She started
screeching, “Oh my God! Stephanie! My God it’s Stephanie!!” She reached out
for me and grabbed my arm. I struggled to get away.
“Ma’am, let go of me! I said I was sorry!” I said as
I tried to pull my arm free of her grasp. Did she just call me ‘Stephanie’?
The man gasped, “Holy shit! It is Stephanie!”
He stared at me with total shock on his face. “They told us you were dead!
What the hell is going on here?”
“Oh fuck!” I cried as I suddenly realized these people
were the dead girl’s parents. Several of the staff started to gather around,
but not sure what to do.
The woman dropped to her knees and grabbed me around
the waist, burying her face into my stomach. Crying uncontrollably she said,
“My precious Stephanie! You’re alive! They told us you were dead!”
The man held my arm, touching me as if to see if I was
real. “Don’t you recognize us? What have they done to you? What terrible
things…?”
A guy from security bounded up and in a stern voice
said, “Let the girl go and back away.”
The man snapped, “Fuck off, asshole! This is our
daughter. One of your quacks here told us she was dead.”
As if on cue, Dr. Wilkins arrived at the scene. “Oh,
great heavens! This can’t be!”
The man suddenly let go of me and clasped his large
hand around Dr. Wilkins’ throat. “You bastard! Why did you lie about my
daughter? What in hell is going on here?”
The two cops that usually hang out around the
emergency room came running up, arriving almost at the same time as both Dr.
Gordon and Dr. Wright. I just stood there, stunned to be the center of such a
traumatic scene.
Putting his hand up to his mouth as if to shield
himself from some horror, Dr. Wright said, “Oh, fuck no! This ruins
everything!”
The police officers separated Dr. Wilkins from the
man’s hands. Dr. Wilkins held his throat as he coughed and sputtered a moment.
One cop continued to restrain the man as the other cop started pulling the
woman away from me.
Sitting on the floor, the woman screamed, “My baby!
Don’t take me from my baby! My baby! Stephanie, please!”
I backed away a few feet. “I’m sorry. I’m not your daughter.”
I wanted to run, but instead, I just stood there, shaking.
Dr. Gordon stepped up and though obviously dismayed
said, “Mr. and Mrs. Sanders, please calm down. I’ll try to explain to you
what’s going on.”
Through clenched teeth, Dr. Wright said close to Dr.
Gordon’s ear, “Frank! No. Don’t tell them what we did! It’ll kill the
project! We’ve worked too hard…Frank…”
Ignoring Sam, Frank stepped closer and said calmly,
“Sir, you must understand, this is not your daughter. I…”
“Fuck you!” cried Mr. Sanders. “I know my own
goddamned daughter when I see her!” Looking frantically around the room, he
shouted, “Is there anyone in this damned hospital who can tell me the truth
about what the hell is going on here?”
Sucking in a deep breath, Dr. Gordon said, “I know
this is going to be difficult, Mr. Sanders, but you must understand. Yes, this
is your daughter’s physical body. But this is no longer your daughter.”
“Frank, no!” called Dr. Wright.
His face twisted in a puzzled look, Mr. Sanders asked
“What are you talking about? Of course that’s my daughter!” Mrs. Sanders sat
on the floor and continued to wail.
Talking slowly, Dr. Gordon continued, “Your daughter
was declared brain-dead. She was completely beyond any medical treatment to
resuscitate. All that was your daughter, died, though her body continued to
function normally. That same morning, there was a terrible car accident. The
victim’s body was so badly mangled, we had no idea why he hadn’t died
instantly.”
Mr. Sanders just stood there with his mouth hanging
open, no at all sure where Dr. Gordon’s story was taking all this. Nancy finally
arrived and stood behind me, holding my hand.
Dr. Gordon continued, “My colleague and I have spent
the past several years researching possible techniques in …in…” He swallowed
hard. “…In transferring a living brain from one host to another.”
* * *
“The top story this hour, maybe the whole week on
Global News Network comes to us from Houston, Texas where Science Fiction and
Horror movies have combined with real life.” smiled the vacant talking head on
the television screen. “Live from Houston, Robert Cherry has this report. Robert?”
“Goddammit Frank! Why in God’s name did you tell them
everything? Now the story is out. The project is ruined!”, Sam yelled.
“Thank you, Barry.” Robert Cherry said somberly. “I’m
here at the Ferris-Baxtor medical research hospital in Houston.
As you know, a story here that sounds so…well fantastic and, well…frankly, so
disturbing, that it’s hard to believe. The story centers on a young girl, whose
doctors at the hospital claims to have removed her…ahem…uh…brain, and replaced
it with a brain from a male car accident victim. Neither the name of the girl,
nor of the…uh, brain donor is being released at this time.”
“Sam, what would you have me do? How else was I going
to explain away the fact they saw their dead daughter walking around?” Frank asked
with despair in his voice.
“I don’t know, Frank. You could have tried lying for
once.”
* * *
I just sat on the end of my bed and cried. I had
managed to torpedo everything. Both doctors were very upset with me and they
were very upset with Nancy her letting me go off-campus. Nancy wasn’t
happy with me either. I apologized until I was blue in the face, but it didn’t
seem to make any difference.
There was a sudden knock on the door. Reluctantly, I
walked over and opened the door. There stood Ashley with her arms full of my
stuff I’d left over at her apartment.
“Hi Ashl…” I started to say, but was cut off short by
my stuff suddenly landing on my face.
“Here’s your shit, asshole!” snapped Ashley. “You
lied to me! I thought I was helping a girl to re-discover herself. Not
some…some…freak!” She spun on her heel and ran down the hallway, crying. With
my eyes tearing up, I bent down and started picking up the stuff Ashley had
thrown at me.
* * *
It was a very uncomfortable afternoon. The staff that
knew from the beginning who and what I was offered condolences for being
discovered. The staff that didn’t know, offered everything from puzzled looks,
to disgust, and a few, anger.
There was a knock on the door and then Nancy entered
the room. She sat on the bed next to me and put an arm around me and held me
close. “Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry this had to happen.”
Through cries, I said, “Everyone is treating me like
some kind of monster. I watched some of the news. I’m the world’s biggest
freak! Why, Nancy? Why did her parents have to be there? I was
finally getting comfortable with who I am. I mean, look at me! Am I acting
like a man in his late forties?”
Giving me another hug, Nancy said, “No, hon. You’re
acting like a scared little girl. You’re no longer James Shepherd.” She
paused a moment, then said as a tear rolled down her cheek, “They won’t let
anyone talk to the press. I wanted to tell them how well you’ve adapted to your
new role. How you were becoming a normal teenage girl. But I can’t…I’ll lose
my job here and at the university. I…”
The door suddenly slammed open and Dr. Gordon stormed
inside. “Dr. Davidson, you may leave now. I need to talk to Mr. Shepherd in
private.”
Nancy
hesitated, looking from me to Dr. Gordon and back.
Dr. Gordon turned toward Nancy and
sounding really pissed off, said, “Go! Now.” He hesitated then added
sarcastically, “Please.”
As she headed for the door, Nancy said to
me, “I’ll be back in a few minutes to check on you.”
When the door closed, Dr. Gordon, obviously irritated,
said, “Mr. Shepherd, do you have any idea of the magnitude of the project that
made…well, made you possible? Any idea of the costs? All the time I’ve spent
researching and experimenting?”
I shrugged and said, “I have absolutely no idea.”
“Well Mr. Shepherd, because you had to act like a
teenage girl and go to a slumber party and be late for your lab session, you
may have thrown all that time and effort into the toilet! If you had been
where you were supposed to have been, you and the girl’s parents would never
have crossed paths.” Dr. Gordon paused, then asked, “Do you know why we are
almost eight million dollars over budget, Mr. Shepherd?”
I shook my head.
Dr. Gordon raised his voice as he said, “It’s because
you are still alive! We only budgeted for five weeks post op because none of
our subjects had ever lived much past three weeks.”
Shocked, I said, “But I remember you telling me before
the operation that you wouldn’t even attempt this if you didn’t think you had a
chance for success!”
Dr. Gordon shrugged and said, “It all depends on how
you measure success. The operation was a success the moment you verified that
you could control various parts of your body, like moving an arm or making a
fist. Everything after that has been gravy. We only needed to prove that my
surgical techniques for splicing spinal cords was a viable method of spinal
cord repair. That’s all my backers were paying for. I’ve had to repeatedly go
to the board to convince to keep funding your project because of the rich
opportunities in researching human behavior as well as a long term stress test
of the surgery. They agreed to more funding for two more months – enough time
for you to reach a point where we could get as much data as possible before we placed
you with a family and closed the project, but only as long as the full depth of
the project remained quiet. I made keeping you alive a priority.”
I started to thank him for all that when he continued,
“And I realize now that was a serious mistake.”
“What do you mean, a mistake?!” I said, horrified at
the suggestion that me being alive was a problem.
“Yes, a mistake. You were a time bomb. I couldn’t
see it, but Sam could. There was no way the story could be contained. I had
no idea of the implications of a long-term successful brain-transplant.” Dr.
Gordon was starting to pace back and forth.
“You don’t want success? Why do a brain-transplant if
you don’t want it to succeed?” I asked.
“I wanted to do something dramatic to illustrate what
we could now do. What’s more dramatic than transferring a living brain to
another host? The complexities are staggering. But something always goes
wrong given time. The body rejects the brain, or the brain can’t regulate
parts of the host body automatically. Potential problems are endless. We
honestly didn’t expect you to live more than a few weeks…” his voice trailed
away as he became lost in thought.
“Doc, I…” I started to say.
Frank turned toward me with a sudden viciousness, “Do
you have any fucking idea of the problems you have caused by being alive?! Now
that the story has broke, the reporters present during the operation have
broken their non-disclosure agreements feeling betrayed at not getting the
scoop.” He paused a moment as if not sure of what to say next.
He stepped closer to me and began yelling, “We have
been getting calls from every freak on the planet since the story went public!
Men wanting to be put into female bodies. Women wanting men’s bodies. Black
people wanting white bodies and white people wanting black bodies. Adults
wanting to be children. Old people wanting anything young. I’ve even had some
people want their brains placed in animal bodies. This list goes on and on.”
He paused a moment, turning away from me. “God damn
it! This isn’t what this program was to be about! I was trying to get people
out of wheelchairs, not run a used body dealership. Think of the
implications…people being murdered because they have popular bodies is just
one.” He sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. “All this shit
because you didn’t have the decency to just die.”
“I’m not apologizing for being alive.” I said flatly.
“I did nothing more than accept one small chance to live.”
Without saying another word, Dr. Gordon got up and
walked out of my room.
* * *
“Yesterday was a bad day,” Nancy said
unnecessarily. “I know Dr. Gordon was upset, but I still can’t believe he said
all those things to you.”
“Just because I didn’t die I’m the bad guy.” I said.
My eyes were red from crying. I found myself not able to control my emotions
like I used to. “I didn’t ask to have my brain transferred. I didn’t ask to
be a teenage girl. How is it my fault?”
“It’s not, hon. It’s not your fault. He was just
angry. Doctors have huge egos and he discovered that playing God doesn’t make
you God.” Nancy stood up. “I have to go for now. You’ll be OK. I
talked to Ashley and she’s OK with who you are now. She should be over later
this morning. Take care.”
I sat in my little room all alone. I felt like a
scared little girl.
* * *
A group of people filed into a secluded university
meeting room. Six took seats on a raised floor with a long desk, nameplates and
microphones placed at each seat. The rest took seats throughout the room.
Once everyone was seated, a man, Taylor Cromwell,
seated at the center of the desk, said, “We’ve called this emergency board
meeting to discuss how we should proceed now that we seem to have lost control
over our…project. It is the feeling of the board that it was a mistake to
authorize an extension of the project that attempted to prepare the subject for
insertion back into society. The original plan to terminate the project at
five weeks should have been followed. Doctors Gordon and Davidson made quite
passionate pleas on how valuable the research on following the subject back into
society would be. The board regrets now not following Dr. Wright’s assertion
that that option was too risky.