The Reluctant Cheerleader
by Melanie Brown
Copyright © 2003
Part 4
"What the hell is this!?" I yelled
angrily as I ripped down a notice that was taped to a wall in the school
hallway. I'm sure I was a ferocious sight with my pastel pink mini dress and
matching nails and lipstick. A quick glance down the hall showed me that this
notice peppered the walls.
Mandy looked at the notice in my hand, then
looked back at me with an embarrassed smile. "Oh, yeah, that. My bad.
I'm afraid that I like, talked Ms. Thornapple into it, thinking it might like,
help promote the idea that you're a girl."
I read the notice again in disbelief. It
was the list of nominees for Homecoming Queen. And my name was on the list,
third from the top. Mandy was also on the list. I said, "This is just
plain crazy! I can't run for Homecoming Queen!"
Brandi said, "Why not, Chrissy? I was
going to vote for you." Mandy shot her a glance.
"Because I'm not really a girl.
Duhhh!."
Mandy just shrugged and said, "Well,
that's the whole point."
"What if I win?"
"What if you do? So you get your
picture in the annual as the Homecoming Queen." Mandy gave me that hey,
chill out, look. "Besides," she added, "what are the odds of
that happening anyway?"
"Oh, gee thanks!" This was
starting off to be a really peachy day.
Coach Renwick came round the corner and
almost bumped into us, as she was busy looking through a handful of papers
stuffed into a folder. She looked up and said, "Oh, hi girls. Hey, great
practice last night. By the way, practice starts 30 minutes late
tonight." She glanced over at me and said, "Hey, I like your
dress."
She was about to leave us when I waved my
hand to indicate that I had a question. "Coach, can I please start using
one of the regular restrooms?" She frowned and I continued,
"Please? I'm not trying to be a Peeping Tom, but it's hard to get down to
the restroom by your office whenever I need to go."
"Chrissy, no. The risk is just too
great. If you used those restrooms and it was discovered who you really are,
every girl at this school could launch a lawsuit against us." I started
to say something, but she just put up her hand and said, "I'm sorry, but
no." And she was gone.
We reached the entrance to my first class
without another word passing between us. I sighed, turned to Mandy, and handed
her the wadded up Homecoming Queen announcement. I said, "Look, I'm sorry
I got upset, but ask me next time. I think I'm already going above and beyond
here."
"You're right." Mandy wouldn't
look squarely at my eyes. "We shouldn't keep dumping stuff on you."
I looked over at Brandi and saw her about to
smile. I braced for the coming hug.
* * *
When I came out of my first period class,
there was Jeff, standing by the lockers, waving to Stephanie who was hurrying
down the hallway. Jeff then motioned me over to him.
Shaking his head, Jeff said, "Man, I
can't believe how great you look! You should wear dresses more often."
He then took both my hands and led me over to one side of the hall.
I could feel a blush as I said,
"Thanks! Nice of you to say that." Jeff was still holding my hands
as I looked up at him and continued, "Where's Steph? She usually meets me
right after class."
Jeff leaned closer and said, "I told
her I'd walk you to your next class. You know, I really don't think you need
them to walk with you any more. It's been less than a week since you started
being a girl, and look around. Everyone accepts you."
"It sure seems longer than a
week!" I sighed. I motioned my head down the hall and tugged on Jeff's
hands. "What's up? Tell me while we walk. I don't want to be
late." Jeff nodded, let go of one hand to pick up my book bag and off we
went down the hall.
"I just wanted to let you know that
this Saturday, a bunch of the guys and I are going to the movies and I wanted
to know if you wanted to come along. The other guys are bringing their girls
too."
I looked sideways at Jeff and said,
"Jeff, I thought we weren't going to actually date or anything. I thought
you wanted to get away from that so you could study?"
Combining a shrug and a frown, Jeff said,
"Well, all work and no play, ya know? Besides, you have to get out once
in a while and we do have to at least give the appearance that we're
dating."
I smiled and said, "That's true, I
guess. What are we going to see?" Please, not a romance movie, I
thought.
"Well, there's that new chick-flick
that's out that I thought you might like", Jeff said. Oh puh-leeze! Jeff
continued, "But, everyone seemed to want to go to that new Jackie Chan
movie."
"I think I can handle that", I
said.
"Great! I think we're going to get
some pizza after the movie. Can I pick you up around 6:00?"
We arrived at the door of my next class. I
said, "I'll be there!"
"Okay. Well, see you later!" As
Jeff started to hand me my book bag, he leaned toward me as if to kiss me. He
stopped, face flushed, and then as he looked away, he said,
"Sorry..."
I looked down at my feet and said softly,
"That's okay."
He brushed his fingers lightly through my
hair and said, "Hey, catch ya later, okay?" He smiled, turned, and
walked away.
During my second period class, it slowly
dawned on me that I hadn't been paying any attention at all to the class and
that my mind had wandered off somewhere. Horrified, I looked down at my
notebook, and instead of notes from the lecture, I found I'd written 'Jeff
Kowalski' several dozen times as well as dozens of little heart shapes and
flowers. Have I completely lost my mind?
* * *
On the way to my Home Economics class, I
passed the library and there was Joey Saotome kneeling on the floor, rummaging
through his book bag. "Hey Joey. How's it hangin'?"
Joey glanced up and said, "Oh, hey
Chris." He shoved a book back into his bag and stood up. He looked me up
and down and shook his head and said, "Man. I'm starting to doubt my own
memory now. You should wear dresses more often. You've definitely got my vote
for Homecoming Queen."
I frowned and blurted, "No! Don't you
dare!"
"I don't know," Joey shrugged.
"I have to admit, you look pretty damned good. Learning anything new from
'the other side'?"
I blushed at his comment. Then I said,
"Well, I have to admit. I've uncovered a great, unknown secret."
Joey raised an eyebrow and said, "Oh
really? What's that?"
I blushed slightly again, and focused past
Joey's head and said, "Panties." I looked back at Joey and
continued, "Damn it, Joey, panties have to be the most comfortable
underwear I've ever worn in my life." Joey started to laugh, but I said,
"Seriously."
Joey said, "I'll...uh...I'll try to
remember that." He looked at his watch. "Hey, I'm going to be late
for class. Catch ya later." Hey, if he didn't want an answer, he
shouldn't have asked.
* * *
I kicked off my shoes the moment I entered
the house and shut the front door. I padded across the living room in my
pantyhose covered feet and plopped down on the couch, feet splayed wide and
stared unfocused at the blank television screen. Out of the corner of my eye,
I could see Mom looking over at me from the kitchen, shaking her head. I just
knew what she was going to say.
"That's a very unlady-like way to sit,
Chris" Mom said with a slight smile.
"I don't care. I'm not a lady." I
pouted as I unconsciously brought my knees together, sat straighter and
smoothed out my dress. I caught myself, and thought, what am I doing? I
splayed my legs apart again and glared at Mom.
"Bad day at school?" Mom asked as
she stepped out of the kitchen and came into the living room to sit next to me.
"The worst." I said, still staring
at the blank television screen.
"Well, what happened? Why did you have
such a bad say? Did somebody make a comment about you wearing a dress
today?"
"Yeah. Just about everybody!" I
exclaimed, turning to face Mom.
Mom frowned and asked, "What could they
have said? I thought it was a nice dress, and you've said that every one
thinks of you as a girl now."
"Oh, everyone thought I was just
gorgeous. Everyone loved the dress. I have a date with Jeff Saturday...a real
date. The cookies I baked in Home Economics were the best in the whole class,
I got an 'A' for my flower arrangement in art class, all the boys stare at me,
I've been nominated for Homecoming Queen and I broke a nail!" I folded my
arms and glowered.
"Honey, except for the nail, that
sounds like a pretty good day to me" Mom said, trying to be cheery.
"It's not a good day for a guy to have,
that's for sure!" I sat up straight and turned to Mom and said,
"Jeff, for just a second, forgot that I wasn't a girl. Mom, he almost
kissed me, for God's sake!"
I could tell by the expression on Mom's face
that I wasn't going to get any sympathy. "Well, it wouldn't be the first
time you've kissed a boy" she said flatly.
I felt my face flush. I blurted, "But
this wasn't some confusing, emotional state. He was about to kiss me the way
any guy would give his girlfriend a quick, see-ya-later kind of kiss. I didn't
know what to do. I didn't know what to feel. I..I..." my voice trailed
off as I searched Mom's face for some sympathy, some understanding.
I could feel tears starting to well up in my
eyes as I studied my fingernails for a moment. I looked back up at Mom and
said, "Mom, I..I...you know, I haven't had years - all my life - to grow
up as a girl, to not be self-conscious of things like wearing a dress, or
putting on lipstick in public, or all the training to not have to think about
things like keeping my knees together or the emotional background to deal with
things like boys liking you." I could feel a tear run down my cheek.
"Mom," I continued, "I don't know how to be a girl. I thought
it'd just be fun; a game. I thought it would be easy."
Mom put her arms around me and let me rest
my head on her shoulders. She started to stroke my hair as she said,
"Honey, oh...I warned you that there's more to being a girl than just
wearing different clothes. People are going to relate to you completely
different than before. It may not be what you want, but you're going to have
to expect boys to be attracted to you. You're every bit as pretty as your
sister."
I started to protest, but she continued,
"I'll be honest with you, Chris. Even though it's only been a week, and
as strange as it sounds, I've watched you grow from a gawky teen boy to a
beautiful, confident young woman."
"Mom, that's crazy! How can you say
that?" I protested. Have I finally driven my parents insane?
"I know you probably don't want to hear
that, but Chris, I have to say I've seen a completely different Chris develop
this past week. And I'm not referring to your clothes." She pulled me
away from her shoulder and lifted my head so she could look straight at me. I
had no idea where she was going with this.
"When you started being Christine this
week, you've bounced through that door every day, excited by how things went at
school, things you accomplished that you'd never tried before, like baking
cookies, things you and your girlfriends talked about that day, even jokes that
Jeff told you. I guess you don't realize it, but you've been happy this week."
"No I'm not" I frowned. I've been
in Hell all week. Even now my bra straps seemed to be cutting deeper into my
skin and the pantyhose was making the back of my knees itch.
"Chris, how have other people been
treating you this week?" Mom suddenly asked.
I paused for a moment. Nobody has hit me
with a spitball all week, or put gum in my chair or whacked me in the back of
my head with a book. I said, "They've been nice. I guess."
"Well, Chris, people aren't being nice
to you because you suddenly look and act like a girl. Kids pick on and are
mean to girls too. What's happening is that you're finally letting the real
Chris show through. Being Christine seems to have finally given you the
freedom to be yourself."
I shrank back from Mom and said, "Are
you saying I'm really a sissy? You think I'm gay or something?"
"No, Chris. I'm saying that the real
you is someone who likes having friends, likes being noticed for a change,
likes having a social life, and likes being happy. That shell you were always
in worried me for years. But now you've come out of your shell and you're
finally letting yourself be you. That's what people are responding to. True,
there are some guys that don't look any deeper than your make-up, but your
friends, the ones who enjoy being around you, they're responding to what's
inside. Do I want my son back? Of course. But I've seen a very positive
change in you that I hope stays when you stop being 'Chrissy'."
I just sat there for a minute. I didn't
know what to say. Mom stood up and said, "I need to finish getting dinner
ready. You'd better go change so you can be ready to go to practice after
dinner."
I looked at the floor and said, "Sure,
Mom, okay. I've got thirty extra minutes before I have to go today
anyway." I sat there for several minutes after Mom had disappeared back
inside the kitchen.
* * *
As I sat there in my first period class, I
couldn't believe that it'd only a week ago that all this really started. This
time last week, I was waiting for the note from the office to arrive so I could
leave the class. Today, I was waiting to leave the class early again, but this
time I had official permission. Even after almost a full week of being
Chrissy, it still felt weird to sit at my desk in my cheerleader uniform. This
time, I'd stay in the uniform all day.
I have to say, I was psyched and ready to go
for the pep rally. Yesterday's practice was perfect. I was even excited about
going to the game tonight. I glanced down at the colorful watch on my wrist
and noticed it was time for me to head down to the gym to get ready for the pep
rally. I raised my hand and the teacher nodded knowingly and motioned for me
to leave.
The rest of the squad was already there when
I arrived. They were getting the props ready for the little skits we had
planned as well as some of the stunts. Mandy waved and ran over to meet me.
"Hey girl!" It's like, about time
you got here!" She looked at me for a few moments before saying,
"You know, I can't believe that you've been a member of the squad, like
for only two weeks." We started walking over toward the other girls.
"I can't help feeling though, that like, all last week it seemed like, you
regretted becoming a cheerleader. Today, you seem different."
I smiled at her and said, "Well, like,
ya know, like, like, ya know..."
Mandy stopped, placed her hands on her hips
and with an exaggerated indignant look said, "You know, I think like,
you're making fun of me!" She gave me a playful push and chased me over
to where the others were standing. We both giggled, more than what was
warranted. The other girls turned toward us and started giggling just because
we were.
After a moment, I stopped giggling and
looked over at the girls standing in front of me. I said, "I love you
guys. And I honestly wish you had asked me to be a cheerleader sooner."
Two weeks ago, that would have made me barf.
* * *
I was nervous as hell. It was rapidly
approaching 6:00pm and Jeff would be here any minute. I kept telling myself
that I wasn't going on an actual date with a boy. It was all for show, purely
for public consumption, so we could maintain the ruse that we were
boyfriend/girlfriend. So why was I practically beside myself?
I checked my appearance in the mirror for
the thousandth time. Mom insisted that I wear a skirt of some kind, hose, and
a nice top instead of the jeans and t-shirt I had worn all day. She said that
I should always look nice for a date, even if it wasn't a real one. So I wore
the denim miniskirt the squad had bought me. I wore my favorite earrings --
the ones that Shane had given me three years before. I frowned...I actually
have a favorite set of earrings. I wondered if it was kosher to wear jewelry
on a date that was a gift from another date? Oh well. Who the hell cares,
right? Shane was a jerk best forgotten and Jeff was just a friend who was
treating me to a movie. Right?
I didn't have the time for further thought
on the matter as the door bell rang at that moment. He's here! I checked my
makeup again. Stop it, I scolded myself. I was about to leave my room to
answer the door when I heard the door open and then heard Dad's voice. I
cracked the door open to better hear anything Dad said.
A little muffled, I heard Jeff say,
"Hello, sir. I'm here to pick up Chrissy."
Then Dad said, a little louder than was
necessary, "Come on in, son. Jeff, right? Have a seat in the living room
and I'll go check on Chrissy." There was a definite edge when Dad
mentioned my name.
I backed away from the door when I heard
Dad's footsteps approaching my room. My new room. The one that used to be my
sister's.
Dad poked his head in the doorway and
sternly whispered, "Give me five to ten minutes before you come out, got
it?"
I said, voice a little whiny, "Daaad!
Don't! We're not really dating. We're not..." My voice trailed away as
Dad shut the door and walked back down the hallway to the living room. Crap, I
thought as I cracked the door open again.
From the living room, I heard Dad say,
"She'll be right out. She said it'd probably be about five or ten
minutes. So, I hear you're the captain of the football team. Does that give
you enough time for any kind of part-time job..." I shut the door and
sighed. Now I know why my sister started meeting her dates somewhere other
than at the house.
I thought about just walking out there and
announcing I was ready without waiting the five minutes or so that Dad wanted.
But I decided against it. Dad's favorite sport had always been flailing
Diane's dates alive and he might as well get some benefit from this little
charade I was pulling.
After six minutes, I decided to go to Jeff's
rescue. I stepped into the living room and said, "Hi Jeff! I'm ready to
go!" I was ready as far as being presentable went, but mentally, I was a
wreck.
Jeff got up from the couch and walked over
to me. As he slid his arm around my waist, he said, "It was nice meeting
you both." Mom had joined Dad, but hadn't said anything other than
pleasantries.
"Remember to have her back by
11:00pm." Dad said, sounding stern.
As we walked to Jeff's car, hand in hand,
Jeff remarked, "Man, what would your dad do if you were actually a
girl?"
I sighed and said, "Exactly this. He
told me that if I was going to act like a girl, then he was going to treat me
just like a daughter. I have to admit though, I think he was tougher on my
sister. After all, her boyfriends weren't pretend ones."
* * *
Twelve of us walked into the movie theater
together after buying our tickets. We girls gathered to one side of the snack
bar and chatted as the guys bought our popcorn, drinks, etc. Stephanie and
Brandi were with us since they were dating football players as well. Now that
I thought about it, the only cheerleader not dating someone from the team was
Mandy.
While we were standing there, a girl exited
the General Manager's office of the theater. I recognized her right away and
tried to hide behind the other girls so she wouldn't see me. It was Gwen, Ed's
sister. She pretty much created my 'Chrissy' character so I could pretend to
be Ed's girlfriend in order to make one of Ed's ex's jealous. Yeah, it sounded
like a stupid idea then, too, but Ed promised some cash. Another one of his
many broken promises.
I hadn't talked to Gwen in months. She'd
come to feel very bad about the role she'd had in Ed's little scheme. I really
didn't want her to see me this way. She was usually the day manager, so I
thought I'd be safe from running into her tonight. I should have known better.
Gwen stopped to talk briefly with the kid
that tore the tickets and then she approached the snack bar. I maneuvered
around, trying to keep the other girls between Gwen and me. She was occupied
for a time by opening some boxes behind the counter. Then, just as she turned
to say something to the girl currently waiting on Jeff, one of the girls in our
group stepped away to ask her boyfriend something, Gwen's eyes landed ever so
briefly on me. At first, her glance continued on to the girl behind the
counter, but she didn't say anything. She jerked her head back toward me, and
then her mouth fell open.
"You!" Gwen said loudly as she
pointed at me. "Come to my office. We need to talk!" She pointed
back to her office door.
Sheepishly, I started heading that direction
when Jeff suddenly stepped over and took my arm. He looked questioningly over
to Gwen, then back to me and said, "Babe, what's the problem? What's
going on?"
If possible, Gwen's face looked even more
shocked as she saw Jeff standing beside me in a protective manner. Gwen
recovered and said to Jeff, "Oh, no problem sir. I was just so surprised
to see...her... I just need to chat with her privately for just a
moment." Then looking at me, she motioned with her head toward her
office.
Gwen ushered me into her office and as she
shut the door, I could see the group standing puzzled by the snack bar. The
moment the door closed, Gwen turned to me and through clenched teeth viciously
asked, "What the hell is going on here Christopher?! Why are you dressed
as a girl again? And was that your date? Do you have a thing for football
captains or something? I'm waiting for an explanation, Chris. What's going
on, huh?"
Exasperated, I plopped down in one of the
padded chairs in Gwen's office, crossed my legs and said, "I just have
time to give you the twenty-five cent version since my movie starts in ten
minutes."
Gwen sat down at her desk, grabbed her phone
and punched a number. After a pause, she said into the phone, "Travis,
hey listen. Delay starting screen two by ten minutes. No, I don't care, just
do it. Thanks." Gwen then turned to me and said, "Okay, now you
have twenty minutes. Spill it!" I can see now why Ed was in such a hurry
to leave town.
"Okay. I'll still make it quick,
because I don't want to leave the others out there wondering what's going
on." I then gave Gwen a quick run-down of all the events from that
fateful day at lunch when I was first approached about being a cheerleader up
to tonight's date.
When I was done, Gwen just sat there for a
few moments shaking her head. She finally said, "I just can't believe
your parents would go for this idea. Especially after that episode with
Eddie. How many months did your father have to see that councilor?"
"Ten" I said flatly as I glowered
at her.
"Christopher, listen. This is
incredibly stupid. You could screw up your whole life doing this. Especially
if you continue this insanity through the first two years of college."
She ran her hands through her hair, lifted her head to look straight at me,
hands still tangled in her hair as she said, "Jeez! I've created a
fucking Frankenstein!"
I just sat there with my hands folded in my
lap. Quietly, I said, "Gwen, what would you have me do? I can't just
back out of this now, it's gone too far. A lot of people have a vested
interest in me staying 'Chrissy'. I..."
Gwen suddenly stood and leaned toward me and
said, "No, Chris. You can just back out of it. Embarrassing? Oh yes.
But we're talking about the rest of your life, Christopher. The rest of your life.
Those other people don't have anything vested in you. The only person important
to you, is you."
I stood up to look Gwen in the eye.
"It's my life, Gwen. I appreciate your concern. I agree that at first I
felt railroaded into this. But I've found that for the first time, I feel like
I matter. I'm making a difference. Yeah, it's on a small scale, but it's more
than it was. You and Diane were always in the popular crowd at school. You
don't know what it's like to be almost invisible."
"If you want to ruin your life, be my
guest. But don't say I didn't try to warn you." Gwen paused, looked away
from me briefly, but then turned back, staring at the floor. "I'll never
forgive myself for doing this to you."
I touched Gwen's shoulder and softly said,
"Gwen, you didn't do anything to beat yourself up on. I certainly don't
hold anything against you. I blame Eddie, but not you."
She tried to smile and said, "Yeah,
Eddie's always good to blame things on. Let's talk more about this later,
okay? You better get back to your date. I've heard he's really hot."
"We're not really dating!" I said
in mock anger. We hugged and I started for the office door.
"Be careful, Chris" Gwen said as I
walked through her door. "Try to give your future some thought."
The door shut behind me as I walked back to Jeff.
"What was all that about?" asked
Jeff with a puzzled expression. "You were in there so long, I thought we
were going to miss the start of the movie!"
I looked at my watch and said, "No, I
bet there's still a good five minutes before they start the movie."
Sounding a little flustered, Jeff asked
again, "Aren't you going to tell me what that was about?"
I stopped walking and looked at Jeff. He
stopped and turned back to me. I said, "Jeff, you don't own me. I don't
have to tell you anything. Look, she's the sister of a former friend, and she
recognized me and wanted to know why I was dressed like this. There.
Happy?"
Jeff looked shocked. "What? You mean
you told her? If she says anything, it'll ruin everything! People will think
we're gay or something."
"Jeff, calm down. She won't say
anything. Trust me, the last thing she'll want to do is blab about this."
"I sure hope so. Come on. The others
have already gone into the theater."
* * *
I had some odd feelings while we were
watching the movie. Jeff had put his arm around my shoulder and I sat with my
head against his shoulder. The other guys all had their arms around their
dates as well. I'm sure Jeff felt he had to do the same to maintain the
illusion that we were dating.
However, I found that I didn't want him to
move his arm. I tried to fight the feeling -- tried to ignore it, but I have
to admit that I felt so -- protected. I felt so secure and warm with Jeff's
large arm around me. I found myself snuggling into his shoulder and he
responded by pulling me closer to him. There was a smell in his clothes I
couldn't put my finger on. It wasn't a bad smell and it wasn't cologne.
Despite all the action on the screen, I
found I didn't pay much attention to the movie. I was suffering too much
confusion and conflicting emotions trying to explain how I was feeling about
being in Jeff's embrace and mulling over what Gwen had said. I decided to just
go with the flow and not try to figure anything out at the moment. I was on
overload and I felt that if I thought about it any more than that, my brain
would explode.
While pondering all this, I just looked up
at Jeff as he looked down at me. He smiled and then did the strangest thing.
He kissed me. It lasted only a few moments, and in the middle of it, I could
tell he suddenly realized what he was doing, but he didn't immediately pull
away. In fact, he pulled away slowly and he had the oddest expression on his
face.
* * *
At Pizza Hut, I was sitting in a booth with
Stephanie and Brandi, the other girls in the next booth and the guys were
playing a pinball machine while we waited for the pizza to arrive. Stephanie
and Brandi were both looking at me with the goofiest expressions. Then Brandi
leaned over and whispered to me, "We saw Jeff kiss you." She started
to giggle.
I blushed and said quietly, "Hey guys,
come on. Keep that quiet, okay. I don't think he meant to. Kissing his movie
dates is probably just a habit with him."
Stephanie gave me a knowing glance and said,
"Yeah, right." and giggled.
"No! Serious. Don't say anything,
okay?"
"Okay okay!" exclaimed Brandi.
"Not a word! We didn't think it was terrible...we thought it was
cute."
I looked at both girls for a second, then
slowly I said, "I'm just curious. What would you guys say if I said I
wanted out? Stopped this pretending and went back to just being me?" A
surprised and horror stricken look flashed across both their faces.
They both blurted out at the same time.
"You can't be serious!"
"Don't say that!"
Stephanie leaned in and cried, "Please
say you're joking! All the work we've put in to make this work...you can't,
like, just throw all that away! And what about the squad? Even Coach has said
she thought that without you, we'd never come together as such a great
squad."
Brandi added, "Yeah, you can't do that
to us!"
Annoyed, I said, "Oh, really? What
about what I need? What about my future? This isn't just going to go away
after graduation. I'm going to be a girl in the school annual! There'll be
pictures of me in a cheerleader uniform in everyone's annuals that they'll keep
forever. Jeff told me that the football team will probably vote me their
"Sweetheart" so I'll have that picture as well. Let's don't even
mention that I might get voted Homecoming Queen." I frowned at both of
them and I felt tears welling up as I continued, "You can't just shake
that off. I can't possibly have a normal life without moving away and cutting
contact with almost everyone I know."
Brandi suddenly became very serious and took
a tone that I've never heard from her before. Quietly she said, "Chrissy,
we know you're not stupid. You didn't come into this blind. You knew what you
were getting into. You've gone from being a total dweeb to one of the most
popular girls at school. You've got your whole life to work on your future.
You're a high school senior only once!" She then smiled her goofy smile
again and said, "Ya know?"
Jeff and the guys were starting to head our
direction following the waitress with the pizza. I said, "I didn't say I
was going to quit...I was just thinking about it."
Just before the guys got close, Stephanie
whispered to me, "Just between you and me, you're better as a girl."
Both girls were suddenly all smiles and
watching after their boyfriends as the guys sat down with the pizza. Jeff, of
course, sat next to me and immediately placed his arm around my shoulders. He
gave me a little squeeze and then left his arm in place.
Dinner proceeded pretty much as I expected.
The guys trying to impress us by showing off and telling jokes. We had a good
time and I managed to come out of the blue funk I was in. Ten-Thirty arrived
and I told Jeff we probably should be going soon. Before we left though, I had
to make a trip to the little girls room.
After finishing my business, I was heading
back to the others when another group, probably college age, was also leaving.
I didn't catch what the girl said, but one of the guys in their group laughed
stupidly and turned to the girl and said, "That sure was a dumb thing to
do! Are you trying out to be a cheerleader or somethin'?"
I don't know why that stuck in my craw as I
used to always consider cheerleaders as airheads. I should have just walked
by, but I didn't. Instead, I said to the guy, "Hey! What makes you think
cheerleaders are dumb? Did you know we have to maintain a 'B' average to stay
on the squad? Did you know that all the girls on my squad are straight 'A'
students? Did you know..."
The guy cut me off by snarling at me,
"Who gives a shit, bitch!? You're a cheerleader?" I nodded to him.
He continued with a leering smirk, "Then I bet you're a great fuck!
Hah...I bet you can't handle this much man, bitch!" Some of the spit that
accompanied his last word landed on my face. I was so disgusted!
Right then, Jeff stepped between the jerk
and me and declared, "Anything you've got to say to the girl, you say to
me!"
The jerk and his friends recognized Jeff
immediately. Jeff is a big guy. The jerk just hesitated a moment, then said,
"You're a beautiful girl. Can I have your children?" He then
laughed stupidly.
Jeff grabbed the jerk roughly by the shirt,
being careful not to actually injure him and said, "I suggest you
apologize to her, then leave."
"Uh, yes sir." The jerk turned
toward me and said, "Look, I'm sorry I called you a bitch." He
didn't really sound very sincere.
Jeff said as sternly as he could, "Okay,
then go"
As soon as they left, Jeff turned to me and
said, "What the hell were you thinking, Chrissy?"
"We're not stupid" I said to the
closing door. I looked up at Jeff and said, "We're not."
* * *
As we pulled up beside my house, I could see
Dad standing in the yard, watering the lawn. The dead, brown lawn that was
starting to get a light coat of frost from the cold Autumn air. I just stared
out the car window, my breath trying to fog the glass. I said to Jeff, without
turning my head, "Oh, you've got to be kidding!"
"Why is your dad standing out in the
yard at this time of night?" Jeff asked.
"He's making sure you don't try
anything funny. Oh God, this is so ridiculous!"
Jeff let out a grunt and said, "It's
not like we're going to be making out or anything!"
We watched Dad for a minute, standing there
like a statue, in turn watching us. Then I turned to Jeff and said, "Hey,
thanks for the great evening! I had a really good time."
"I'm glad you enjoyed it. I had fun
and I'm glad we got to spend some time together that wasn't just
tutoring!"
We both just looked at each other for a
second or two, then looked out the windshield. There was a very awkward pause
as this was where Jeff usually tries to see how far his tongue can go down his
date's throat.
Instead, I just said,
"Good-night!", then shook his hand. Then I giggled.
Jeff held my hand for a moment, then quietly
said, "Good night".
At that point I got out of the car and
started walking toward the house.
Dad just looked at me and said, "You're
late."
I looked at my watch and sounding exasperated,
I said, "It's eleven oh two."
Grimly, Dad said, "I guess I'll just
let it slide for now. Let's go inside. It's a little chilly." His eye
twitched.
* * *
It was late Sunday afternoon as I pulled
Mom's old Escort up to the curb outside Jeff's house. Through the windows, I
could vaguely see the television. I gathered up the text books for our tutor
session. I also had a surprise treat for Jeff. I brought a batch of my now
famous cookies. One of the duties the cheerleaders have to do is bake cookies,
or cakes, etc for members of the football team.
Jeff must have seen me pull up as he was
holding the glass storm door open for me as I walked up to his house.
"Hey Chrissy! Whatcha got there?" Jeff asked as I walked past him
through the door. His shirt was covered in sweat.
"Hi Jeff!" I said. "I
brought a snack for our tutoring session. Are you ready?" I set the
cookies down on the coffee table. The television had some football game on.
"I guess so. Been doing a little
workout while watching the game. You're not going to let me finish watching
the game, are you?" Jeff asked as he hovered by the television.
"You can't study and watch TV at the
same time," I admonished. Jeff frowned as he pressed the power button on
the television.
To my surprise, Jeff suddenly pulled his
t-shirt off and tossed it on the back of the couch. Jeff definitely keeps in
shape. As he started to turn away, he said, "Sorry. Let me change into a
clean shirt. That one is probably a little on the stinky side."
After he disappeared down the hall, and
while I'm not sure what inspired me to do so, I picked up the discarded shirt
and sniffed it. There was that same scent I'd noticed while sitting next to
Jeff at the theater. Then I realized what the smell was. The shirt smelled
like Jeff. I dropped the shirt as Jeff started coming back down the hall.
Jeff gathered up his pencils, paper, etc as
I opened the Algebra book to the next assignment. "Where's your
parents?" I asked as we sat down on the couch and dragged the coffee table
closer to us.
Jeff opened the sodas he'd brought from the
kitchen for us, picked up one of my cookies and between munches said, "Oh,
they went to the movies. They left about an hour ago." I nodded and we
began our study session.
The studying went pretty well. Jeff was
really picking this stuff up pretty quickly. He probably just wasn't trying
before. After about forty-five minutes, Jeff stretched, and then stood saying
he needed to take a break for a minute. I heard him enter the hall bathroom
and shut the door. I just leaned back in the couch and stretched out some
myself.
After a few minutes, Jeff came back and sat
down close to me and picked up a pencil. I sat up straight, ready to begin
again. Jeff just sat there though, staring unfocused. He then looked up and
looked over at me. As he moved himself a little closer, I thought, uh oh, now
what is he doing? He swung his arm up on the back of the couch and started
playing with my hair. He put his other hand on top of my hand and quietly
said, "You are so beautiful."
"Jeff, I..." I started to say,
blushing.
He shook his head to cut me off and said,
"No, serious. You're beautiful. You have very sexy legs. You're
smart." He let out a short laugh as he continued, pointing at the
cookies, "You're a great cook." I started to smile, then the arm
that was on the back of the couch was suddenly sliding over my shoulders. His
other hand touching my face, his finger sliding down my cheek as I looked away
from him. He turned my head and lifted my chin and before I could react, his
lips were pressed against mine.
I put my hands against his chest in an
attempt to push him away. But I found my resistance to his advance fading
rapidly. I fell backwards into the couch as Jeff's kisses became more
passionate. His hand was cupping my "breast" and even though I
couldn't feel anything through the breast form, I knew where his hand was. As
our tongues touched, suddenly, like somebody flipping a switch, I wanted so
much to be a girl for Jeff. I wanted to be a girl. I put my arms
around his neck, trying to pull him closer to me, while I returned his kisses
with pent up passion of my own. Never had I felt like this before. Not with
any girl, not with Shane and certainly not with Ed.
Jeff had just slid his hand up inside my
sweater and started massaging my bra when the phone rang. Jeff hesitated for a
moment, then decided to just ignore it. He continued to nibble on my neck when
a voice erupted from the answering machine, "Jeff? You there? Please
pick up. It's Mom"
Jeff groaned and pulled away, saying under
his breath, "It's like they've got some kind of freakin' radar or something."
He picked up the cordless phone sitting on the table and said into it.,
"Hi Mom. What a pleasant surprise."
The conversation went on for several minutes
with Jeff mostly saying, "Uh Huh", and "oh, really?"
Finally, he broke the connection and said to me, "That was Mom. She was
calling to let me know that they'll be home in about twenty minutes."
I was regaining some of my composure and
while trying to straighten out my hair, I said, "They called just to tell
you that?
Nodding, Jeff said sheepishly,
"Yeah...they started doing that after they came home unexpectedly one
afternoon. A girl and I were naked on my parents' bed. We weren't doing
anything -- Honest! They now give me some warning." He gave me a look,
but the mood had mostly left me.
Looking at my watch, I exclaimed, "Ah
crap! I told my Dad I'd be home fifteen minutes ago!" I started
gathering up my stuff.
"Do you really need to go?" Jeff
asked.
"Yeah...you're parents will be home
soon and my Dad's expecting me home now."
Jeff came up to me as I started to open the
glass door to his house, and gently touched my arm. "I wish you didn't
have to go." was all he said just before he bent down and gave me another
long kiss.
As I walked out of Jeff's house, I has on
Cloud Nine. I felt so feminine, all gooshy and warm inside. I was almost
giggly as I felt so much like a girl. I never felt so wonderful, so free,
so....me. As I approached Mom's Escort, I became aware that Mandy's white Neon
was parked behind me. And then I noticed Mandy standing in the street, by my
car. And she looked pissed, and I could tell that she had been crying.
"Mandy, what's wrong?" I asked.
"You know damned well what's wrong,
bitch!" she screamed as she tried to push me, knocking the books from my hands.
I just stared at her with a shocked, and puzzled expression. She picked up a
book and tried to bean me with it while yelling, "Oh don't act so
innocent!"
"Mandy! Really, I don't understand
this. I..."
Cutting me off, Mandy leaned in toward me, and
as she pointed at Jeff's house she said through clenched teeth, "I came
here to bring Jeff some CD's he wanted to borrow. I saw your car here and
thought you were in there to tutor Jeff. I should have known what you were
trying to do to Jeff, you fucking faggot!" Tears rolled down her face as
she picked up another book and threw it at me.
Dodging the book, I yelled at her, "I
don't know what you're talking about!"
"You're trying to make Jeff gay!"
she spat. "Before I could ring the doorbell, I saw you two through the
glass door. I saw you practically trying to rip his clothes off! I thought
you were a little too eager to be a cheerleader...you were wanting to turn Jeff
gay like you!"
"Eager!? I didn't want to...you guys
begged me!" I yelled angrily. "And trust me, Jeff isn't gay. And
I'm not either." My voice trailed away.
"Boys don't usually go around kissing
other boys!"
"But I'm not a boy!" I protested.
"I'm a...I'm a..." I sputtered.
"A girl?" Mandy said
sarcastically. "A girl? You have absolutely no idea what it's like to be
a real girl! You weren't born a girl. You didn't grow up as a girl. You can't
possibly know what we think or how we feel!"
"Yes I can," I said feebly.
"No you can't. You can only pretend!
You'll never have a goddamned period! You'll never have to give birth!"
I could feel the tears starting to flow down
my cheeks as I shot back at her, "Lot's of women don't have periods and
lots can't or don't give birth! Are they any less female for that?"
"No, they're not. But, like, at least
they had the decency to not be born with a penis!" screamed Mandy.
I was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably
as I screamed right back at her, "I do know what it means to be a girl! I
know what it feels like! I do...I really do...I was feeling it just now, but
you ruined it! I thought you were my friend. Now I know that you're just
jealous because you wanted Jeff and you can't stand it that he prefers me over
you...a so-called real girl!" I tossed a battered book at her and
practically knocked her down with it. I turned and ran crying to the Escort.
As the engine shuddered to life with a belch
of blue smoke out the back, I saw Jeff running from his house, shouting
"What the hell's going on out here!?"
I chirped the tires and the car lurched into
the street. I could barely control the car, crying as hard as I was. I
couldn't concentrate on driving and ran a stop sign, narrowly missing another
car.
I pulled up to a stop by the curb in front
of my house and killed the engine with a sputtering gasp. I didn't get out. I
just sat there crying harder than I have in a long time. After a few minutes,
I felt that I had pretty much cried my way out of any emotion. I looked at
myself in the review mirror and could see the black rings around my eyes and
the blackened tear tracks down my face.
I stared at that image in the mirror for a
moment and then came to a decision.
* * *
When I came out of the house about twenty
minutes later, I looked a lot different than when I went in. I had washed my
face and pulled my hair back in a more boyish style pony tail and I was wearing
one of my old Metallica t-shirts and ragged jeans. I slid into the driver's
seat on the Escort and was just about to turn the engine over when Mandy's Neon
slid to a stop right in front of my car, blocking my exit. What the hell could
that bitch want, I asked myself.
Mandy jumped out of her car and ran around
to the driver's side of the Escort. She then gestured frantically for me to
exit the car. I just glowered at her for a few seconds, then I got out.
Looking me up and down with a quizzical
expression and before I could say anything caustic, she blurted,
"Chrissy! I've got to talk to you!"
I frowned as I said, "Don't call me
'Chrissy'. I'm pulling the plug on this little scam, right now. I'm on my way
to get a haircut." I reached for the door handle so I could get back in
the car.
"No, wait!" Mandy pleaded.
"Don't go. Please! You don't understand!"
"Of course I don't understand. I have
a penis, remember?" I shot back at her.
She winced visibly then said, "Chrissy,
look, I am so sorry!"
I just looked at her and said, "Well,
you should be. Please move. I need to go."
"I don't blame you for being mad at me,
but you need to listen to me for one minute." she pleaded.
"Okay, what it is?" I asked,
folding my arms.
She paused a moment to catch her breath and
then said, "I talked to Jeff right after you left. He told me how you
never once tried to start anything with him. It's always been his reaction to
how you look so much like a girl. I'm sorry I said all those things. I was
just upset because...well...you're right. I wanted to be with Jeff. And when
I saw you two...I..." Her voice trailed away.
I unfolded my arms and shuffled nervously on
my feet. "Look, Mandy. I never wanted to hurt anyone doing this. I'll
quit the squad and go back to being just plain ol' me, if that what it
takes."
Mandy looked at me very seriously and said
quietly, "Please don't quit. Not over this...not because of me. You know
what else Jeff told me?"
I shook my head.
She took on a faraway look, her eyes
focusing on something behind me. The she looked down at the ground and softly
said, "He fell in love a girl called Chrissy. Fell in love with her that
morning after you first joined the squad...that first morning he noticed you.
When he thought you were a girl." She looked back at me and continued,
"He's, like, very frustrated because he's in love with a girl he can never
have. A girl who doesn't really exist." I was completely dumbfounded. I
thought he was just reacting to anything that wore a skirt.
I couldn't think of anything to say.
Finally I just said, "Oh man. I don't know what to do. I knew he liked
me before he found out I wasn't a real girl. Then I thought he hated me. And
finally I thought he was trying to jerk my chain by coming on to me after he
knew."
Mandy just shrugged and said, "Well,
he's got it really bad for Chrissy. I mean, like, he's not in love with you,
just who you're pretending to be."
I just stood there, looking at Mandy and
wondering to myself, Am I still pretending?
After a few moments of thoughtful silence, I
said, "Okay Mandy. I won't quit. I'll talk to Jeff tonight. We'll get
everything straightened out."
Mandy bid me good-bye and got back in her
car and drove away. I stood in the yard for long while after her car had
disappeared. I walked back into the house to resume my role as Chrissy. And,
I really wanted to get out of my old underwear.
* * *
The school bus squeaked to a stop after it
had pulled up to the stadium. This was going to be a big night for the
school. It was the game that was going to determine if we continued to the
play-offs and it was the night the Homecoming Queen would be announced. The
week leading up to tonight had been largely un-remarkable. Jeff asked, no
pleaded, for me to continue with his tutor lessons. And he behaved himself.
We agreed that for appearances, we had to maintain some form of a public
display of affections, so we still held hands and hugged when appropriate at
school.
It was a fairly cold night and the thicker,
flesh colored shiny hose I was wearing were already losing the battle to keep
me warm. At least it wasn't raining...or snowing which was being predicted for
sometime during the weekend.
As the squad was setting up along the
sidelines, Jeff, in full uniform, sans helmet, came up to me with something in
his hand, which he hid behind his back.
"Hi Jeff." I called as he
approached.
"Hey-ya girl!" he smiled.
"I've got something for you."
I looked at him suspiciously and asked,
"What is it?"
He pulled a clear, plastic box from behind
his back and handed it to me. It contained a 'mum' corsage that all the other
candidates for Homecoming Queen were wearing. It was very pretty with long
ribbons in our school colors. I took it out of the box and Jeff helped me pin
on my uniform. Jeff would also be my escort later.
I laughed and said, "I don't think I'll
be able to cheer with this on!"
Jeff said, "That's okay if you need to
take it off for now. Just don't forget to pin it back on at halftime."
"Oh, I definitely won't forget!"
"Well, the coach is waiting. See
ya!" He then playfully slapped me on the butt and disappeared back inside
the stadium.
I looked over at Mandy and saw a boy, who
was all dressed up, standing with her, pinning a mum on her uniform. I had
seen him around school, but I didn't really know him. I saw the remaining
Homecoming Queen candidates, all dressed up, lined up along the stadium wall,
trying to escape the breeze, but still looking like they were freezing anyway.
Their escorts, equally dressed up with matching, but smaller lapel mums weren't
fairing any better. Mandy and I would wear our cheerleader uniforms.
The game would be starting shortly and the
squad needed to start warming up and making sure everyone was up on which
stunts we were going to do etc. Mandy's escort returned to the lineup in front
of the stadium. I walked over to Mandy and she flashed me a big smile, and
then she gave me a big hug. Just then, Jeff ran back out of the stadium with a
lapel mum tied to his arm with a ribbon, and waving to Mandy and me, motioned
for us to join the lineup. Then I saw the photographer. He was taking
pictures for both the newspaper and for the school. Apparently they wanted a
shot of all the candidates for Homecoming Queen and their escorts. Gwen's
comments about me thinking about the future briefly crossed my mind, but I
dismissed them immediately as I was getting caught up in all the excitement.
Coach Renwick came trotting up to us just as
the photographer finished. "Okay, girls. Let's get some spirit going
here!"
* * *