The Reluctant Prom Date
by Melanie Brown
Copyright © 2006
Part 8
Dad just stared into space with an odd expression on
his face. His eyes stopped twitching, but every muscle in his face and neck
seemed to tighten. He wouldn’t look at me.
Mom broke the silence by saying, “Chris. I realize a
boob job isn’t a sex change and it can be reversed. But Honey, it’s still a
big step.” She picked up the card where Dad at dropped it back onto the table
and her eyes scanned it again. “Are you sure this is something you really want
to do?”
I pulled a chair back from the table and sat down. I
nodded slowly as I said, “I am, Mom. I’m really sure. When I get out of the
shower and look at myself in the mirror, I see a boy staring back at me. I
don’t recognize that boy, Mom. It’s not me.”
“What’s going on out here?” called my sister’s voice
as she came back into the room. “What’s wrong? Everyone looks upset.”
Diane sat down beside me. Mom leaned over and handed
the card to her. Her eyes widened as she read through the card. “Holy shit!”
She glanced over to Mom and said quickly, “Sorry.” She turned wide,
incredulous eyes to me and asked, “Is this for real?”
I nodded. “It’s for real.”
Diane shook her head as she asked, “You’re not serious
about this are you? You’re not going to do it, right?”
Surprised, I said, “Diane, I thought you of all people
would understand. How many times have you told me you’re happy to have a
sister now and how I’m a girl inside. I want to start making my outside a girl
too.”
Diane wrinkled up her pretty face as she tried to
figure out what she wanted to say. “Yes, Chrissy. I love having a sister.
Maybe that’s just being selfish on my part. And your being a girl has
been…ah…well, I dunno…abstract. But this,” she waved the card in the air in
front of me, “…this gives it a whole new reality.”
I took the card from her fingers and almost shouted,
“Yes! The reality is that I don’t fit in my skin any more. I’m not a boy and
I don’t want to look like one any more!”
Mom said quietly, “Chris, settle down. Are you sure
you’re not misunderstanding your feelings? I know you love Jeff with all your
heart. Could it be that you’re clouding your judgment because you feel that
you have to be a girl in order to love Jeff?”
Tears started to well up as I said, “Mom! I love Jeff
because I’m a girl inside. And Jeff loves me because I’m a girl. He wouldn’t
care about me if I was a boy. Don’t you see? Don’t you understand?” I
searched the faces of Mom, Diane and Dad for some spark of understanding.
Diane said as she took one of my hands, “Chrissy,
don’t have surgery just for a boy. If Jeff loves you, he’ll love you no matter
what.”
“Jeff does love me,” I said as I choked back tears.
“But I can tell he’s disappointed that he can’t hold me and touch me the way he
would if I was totally girl.”
Diane tightened her grip on my hand as she said, “Just
don’t do something drastic just to please a boy. Do it only if it will make
you truly happy.”
I squeezed Diane’s hand and said, “Diane…Sis…You’ve
already said it. I’m a girl inside. Being a boy just doesn’t seem natural to
me anymore.”
Diane looked me straight in the eyes and laughed,
“Yeah. I don’t see my brother at all anymore. But you might want to wait. My
TS friend was on hormones and she had developed her own breasts. Maybe you
should see Dad’s shrink. Maybe you can get on hormones or something.”
Mom chimed in with, “Dear, I think that would be the
best thing. Go see a professional and see what they have to say.”
I pushed the card across the table to Mom and said,
“Okay. I’ll go to Dad’s therapist. I think it’s a waste of time. But I’ll
go…but only if you sign the card. I want insurance. I want my boobs no matter
what.”
Mom hesitated a moment. She glanced at Dad who had
been strangely silent this whole time. He just stared blankly into space. I
was beginning to wonder if he’d finally blown a seal in his brain.
Mom picked up a pen, but still didn’t sign anything.
Her pen hovered over the card for a few moments. Then with a confidence in her
voice that her eyes betrayed, Mom said, “Sounds fair enough. I’ll call the
therapist tomorrow to get your appointment scheduled.”
After Mom had signed the card, I slid it over towards
Dad. At first he didn’t even react. Finally he looked down at the card and
then back at me. With resoluteness in his voice, he said, “There’s no way in
Hell I’m signing that card, son. I do want you to be happy in life but I can’t
condone this.”
Sadly, I said, “Dad, I’m eighteen and I only need one
signature on this card. I’d like to have your blessing on this though.”
Dad shook his head and sighed, “I may not be able to
stop you, Chris. But I sure as Hell won’t help you with it.” His eyes were
cold, unmoving.
I stared at the floor for a moment and said, “I’m
sorry you feel that way, Dad.”
Dad turned to look at Mom and said, “I miss my son.”
* * *
I just sat in the car parked in Dr. Irrenarzt’s
parking lot for a few minutes, trying to collect my nerve. I didn’t really
want to see Dad’s psychiatrist. But I had promised. I had dressed androgynously
with just jeans and a sweatshirt and no make-up and my hair pulled loosely into
a ponytail. Finally, drawing in a deep breath, I got out of the car and walked
towards the entrance to his office.
I was greeted pleasantly by the receptionist. She was
very pretty, blonde and had breasts that I could only dream about. I thought
to myself how very strange it was, that only a few months ago, I would have
been drooling over her breasts for a completely different reason.
The receptionist handed me some papers on a clipboard
and asked me to fill them out. I looked around the small waiting room and
noticed that besides the receptionist, I was alone. I sat down, and as quickly
as I could, filled out all the forms. I hesitated, then went ahead and used my
legal name of Christopher. After I finished, I handed them back in and then sat
down and waited a few minutes.
The solid oak door behind the receptionist opened and a
pudgy, bald guy sporting a thin mustache stepped out. He glanced up from some
papers in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Mr. Davis? Will you step into
my office, please?”
As I walked in, he directed me to sit down on the
couch up against one wall. I thought the couches were just something Hollywood
used. I glanced around the room and noticed the walls were festooned with
various framed certificates, Rotary Club plaques, and…and I’m not
joking…paintings of clowns.
After exchanging pleasantries and after he asked me
some general questions about myself, Dr. Irrenarzt sat down at his desk. He
continued to study a paper he was holding and tapped his nose with a pencil
with his other hand. For several minutes all I could hear was the blood
rushing in my ears, the sound of the leather couch as I squirmed and the creak
of the shrink’s chair.
Finally he set the paper down on his desk, but
continued to study it as he said, “So, Mr. Davis. You feel you’re a woman
trapped in a man’s body? How long have you felt this way?”
He’s certainly not wasting any time, I thought. I
pondered his question for a moment, then answered, “I uh, I definitely started
feeling that way around…uh…probably around the middle of December.”
The doctor arched an eyebrow and said,
“Hmmm…December…that long, eh?” For the first time, he looked up at me and
studied me a moment.
Before he could say anything else, I chimed in with,
“I’ve been living as a girl since around the first part of October. I’m a
cheerleader.”
Bringing the tips of his fingers together, Dr. Irrenarzt
said, “I see. Well then, let me ask you a few very specific questions.”
“Shoot.”
“Have you had such feelings before?” asked the shrink.
Feeling my face redden at the memory, I said, “Yes. A
few years ago.”
Nodding, Dr. Irrenarzt asked, “And what was the
situation then?”
I swallowed audibly and said, “A friend told me he’d
give me fifty dollars to pretend to be his date at a party to get his old
girlfriend jealous.”
“And this led you to believe you’re a woman in a man’s
body?”
I shook my head and said, “Not right away. I dated
another boy as a girl. He…he uh, thought I really was a girl. Then later that
summer, the friend I mentioned and I started …uh, dating.”
“You dated at least two boys that summer? Did you
date any other boys?” asked the shrink.
“No…ah, just those two.” I started to feel
uncomfortable.
Dr. Irrenarzt started tapping his nose again with his
pencil as he asked, “And what were your feelings towards these two boys?”
“That’s getting kinda personal,” I said, feeling embarrassed.
Sounding impatient, the Doc said, “I’m trying to get a
general impression of who you are. Part of that is knowing about your
relationships. Don’t worry. Anything you say in this office stays in this
office. Unless you want to be a case study in the book I’m writing. Anyway,
please tell me what your relationships were with these two boys.”
Forcing myself to speak, I said, “The second guy
was…ah…well…I did have a crush on, but he was…uh…someone I used to get back at
my friend.”
“How involved were you with this second boy?” the doc
probed.
I hesitated, and then said, “Just kissing.”
“Did you find that pleasant?” the shrink asked.
“Yes.” I said in a small voice.
Dr. Irrenarzt then asked, “What about your ‘friend’?
It sounds like you may have had deeper feelings towards him, since you were
trying to make him jealous.”
Deeper feelings for Ed?! Gag me! Staring at the
floor, I said, “I don’t know about that. He still owed me the fifty dollars…”
In fact, he still owes me, that rat bastard! “…and we had been friends
for a long time…”
“And your involvement with him…was it similar to the
other boy?” the doc asked, sitting straighter in his chair. I began to get the
feeling he was getting off on this.
“Uh…yeah, kinda. We kissed. Okay, we kissed a lot.
And…” my voice trailed away.
“And?”
“And…” I sat there a moment, not sure what to say.
Suddenly I blurted out, “Okay…I gave him a blow job, okay?!”
Raising his hand, Dr. Irrenarzt said, “No need to
raise your voice, Mr. Davis. Now, did you enjoy the experience?”
I looked down at the floor, the feelings of shame that
I had finally exorcised started to return. In a low voice I whispered, “Yes.”
Dr. Irrenarzt glanced back at his paper and said,
“And, with the exception of one Halloween before this episode and one Halloween
between this episode and when you became a cheerleader, you had no further
experiences crossdressing. Is that correct?”
“Yes.”
“You felt no compunction to dress as the opposite sex
except for those few times?”
Feeling frustrated, I said, “That’s correct.”
Tapping his nose again, Dr. Irrenarzt said, “Mr.
Davis, I’ll admit that I’ve never counseled a transgendered individual before,
but I have sat in with colleagues who have. One striking contrast between them
and you is that they have had a burning desire to be the opposite sex for as
long as they can remember. You have only wanted to be a girl since December.”
“What’s your point, Doc?” I asked, my hopes for
hormones evaporating.
He held up a hand and said, “I want to ask about your
current relationships. Are you in a relationship now or have been since…let’s
see…since October?”
“Yes.”
“Male or female?”
Sighing, I said, “Male.”
“And your feelings towards this male?”
I couldn’t hold back a slight smile as I thought about
Jeff. I said, “I’m in love with him, okay? I’m totally, absolutely in love
with him. If I could have his baby, I would.”
Shifting in his chair, Dr. Irrenarzt asked, “And is he
aware of the fact that you’re not really female?”
“Yes!” I said, a little too loud. This shrink was
really getting on my nerves. “He’s aware. He wasn’t at first, but he is now.”
“Sexual relations?” the doctor probed.
Sighing, I said, “Ah…well…just…just oral.”
Nodding, the doctor said, “You sound a little
disappointed. Do you wish he’d go further?”
What’s with this guy? I said, “Well, yeah, I guess. I
really wish our relationship would go deeper. But he won’t because I’m…I’m…”
“Yes?”
“…Dammit! Because I’m not a girl!”
Dr. Irrenarzt jotted down some notes and re-read them
while I sat there in silence. He started tapping his forehead with his pencil
instead of his nose.
Clearing his throat, Dr. Irrenarzt said, “Mr. Davis.
While this is only our first session (and I think we should continue these), my
initial analysis of your situation is that, quite frankly, you’re not suffering
from the mental disorder of Gender Dysphoria, but rather you’re a homosexual in
deep denial.”
“Gay?” I blurted. “I’m not gay! Not that there’s
anything wrong with that, but as a boy, I have no…”
Dr. Irrenarzt raised his hand and shot me a look that
said, “I’m talking, don’t interrupt!”
“If I may continue, I feel that if you were to just
admit that you’re gay, not only to yourself but also to family and friends, you
would be much happier and no longer feel the need to change your sex just so
you can have relations with men. There is no longer the same stigma towards
homosexuals as there once was, so you need feel no shame about being gay.”
“I’m not gay,” I asserted. “This is different. I
can’t explain it exactly, but it’s different…”
“You should stand up right now and shout to the world
‘I am gay! I am gay and I feel no shame!’” Dr. Irrenarzt sat in his chair with
his arms stretched into the air.
I just sat there, and stared him in disbelief.
“Go ahead,” urged the shrink. “Do it now. You’ll feel
better and you can finally put this behind you and get on with your life.”
* * *
“How did it go?” asked Mom, as I plopped onto the
couch.
“It sucked.”
Mom got up from her seat at the kitchen counter where
she had been busy working a crossword puzzle and pushed my legs off the couch
so she could set next to me. “Why? What happened?”
I sat up and stretched my legs so my feet could rest
on the coffee table. I didn’t say anything for a few moments, staring straight
ahead. Finally I turned my head towards Mom and said. “I’m gay, Mom. Yep…according
to Dad’s shrink, I’m gay.”
Mom sat there and looked at me a moment, then said,
“He gave you a diagnosis after one thirty minute session? How did he…?”
“He asked me about my relationships with boys and
decided that since I had been ‘crossdressing’ only since October, he
determined that I’m clearly not a girl. Here, he gave me a pamphlet
about homosexuality.” I handed Mom the pamphlet Dr. Irrenarzt had given me on
my way out the door.
Mom took it, but didn’t look at it. She said, “I
don’t understand. Even just sitting there in a sweatshirt and no make-up, I
see a girl. Maybe you should have worn the dress I suggested.”
I folded my arms across my chest and said, “Maybe. But
I don’t think it would have made a difference. But you know, Mom, there you
go. One moment I’m your weird son that you don’t understand and the next
moment you flatly state I’m a girl. I’m confused Mom. Am I just your goofy
son whose brain is Swiss Cheese, am I your gay son, or am I your daughter? Who
do you want me to be, because apparently I don’t know who I am.” I turned to
stare at the wall.
Mom put her hand on my shoulder and said, voice rising
a little, “Honey, do you have any idea what this has been like for your father
and me? Any idea? At first we thought we had one daughter and one son. And
everyone was fine with that. Then you start pretending to be a girl.
Then you’re pretending to have a boyfriend. Next thing we know, you say you
feel like you’re really a girl and you’re really in love with your boyfriend.
It’s been an emotional roller coaster, let me tell you!”
Taken aback by her sudden outburst, I said, “I’m sorry
Mom. But I can’t help who I am. And I can’t help who I fall in love with.”
Mom tugged on a loose thread on her pants for a
moment. She looked up at me and said, “Honey, I have to admit that, in Diane’s
absence, I loved having another daughter. I missed doing all the girl-stuff
your sister and I used to do together. And I think this experience has done you
a lot of good. You’ve come out of your shell a lot. I can’t imagine
Christopher jumping around and leading cheers in front of huge crowds of
people.
“And you finally found someone to care about. You were
always such a loner, and it worried me. And while Jeff isn’t exactly who I
imagined you dating when you got older, I’m happy for you that you’ve met
someone who makes you happy. It took us a while, but even your father likes
Jeff. I don’t think he ever liked any of Diane’s boyfriends.
“And here’s where you need to really seriously
consider who you are. I think Dr. Irrenarzt is right. Except for a few
isolated times, you never showed any interest in being a girl. But you have
been dating boys longer than you ever dated a girl. You say you’re a girl
inside and that you want breasts and I assume you eventually want a vagina as
well. But you haven’t had these feelings very long. So how can you be so sure?
“You have to ask yourself, deep down in your soul, do
you really want to be a girl and Jeff is just the icing on the cake, or are you
just so in love with Jeff that you think the only way you can have him is to be
a girl?”
I wish people would stop doing this to me! I want
things simple – cut and dried. I’m so tired of thinking about it. I just want
to be…me.
Fighting a lump in my throat, I said, “Mom, all I know
for sure is that for the first time in my life I am happy. I’m happy with who
I am. I’m happy with the many friends I now have. Being a girl
cheerleader is probably the second best thing that ever happened to me. And
Jeff is the best thing. I love him so much.
“But Mom, I love him as a girl would love her guy. I
can’t put it into words exactly, but I truly feel that it’s different from
being a boy in love with a boy. I love being someone’s girlfriend.
Every time I think that I’m Jeff’s girlfriend, I feel a warm glow inside. I
wish I could explain it better.
“Yes, I know that there’s no way Jeff would have ever
looked twice at me if at first he hadn’t thought I was really a girl and he
wouldn’t stay with me if I didn’t look and act like a girl. But I also feel
deep down that I would still feel like who I really am, as a girl, even if I
hadn’t met Jeff or any guy for that matter.
“Does that make sense? I don’t think I’ve just
decided I should be a girl. I think I finally discovered I should be a
girl.”
* * *
“You’re actually getting a boob job?” asked Gwen
shaking her head. We were sitting in her office at the theater.
“Yes,” I said. “During Spring Break next week.”
“Oh my God!” sighed Gwen. “Next week? I wish that
stupid brother of mine had never talked me into turning you into a girl!”
I glanced at my fellow co-workers through the window that
ran along the door from top to bottom of Gwen’s office. “Not so loud, Gwen!” I
said in a loud whisper. Pointing with my head towards the folks working the
snack bar, I said, “They don’t need to know about this! And will you please
stop acting like you created a monster?”
Frowning at me, Gwen said, “Well, I did create
a monster! If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t be sitting there telling me about
the boob job you’re going to get next week! It’s my fault and I wish I had
never done it.”
“Well, I’m glad you did,” I said honestly. “If you
hadn’t, I might be living a dull, eventless life and I never would have met
Jeff.”
“Don’t get me started on that!” laughed Gwen. “I have
never approved of you going on dates with guys.” She put up her hands in resignation
and said, “Look, I can’t ell you what to do.”
There was a pause and before I could make a comment,
Gwen said, “I’m making out the schedules for next week. What day is your
surgery and when do you think you can go back to work?”
“I’m scheduled to have the surgery done Monday
morning. The surgeon said I should get lots of rest for about three to five
days. I can probably come back to work on Friday.”
“Are you nervous?”
“Nervous about coming back to work? You bet!”
Gwen rolled her eyes and said, “Not that, smart ass.
I mean having surgery.”
Nodding, I said, “Oh, yeah. Most definitely. But I’m
also really looking forward to having breasts.”
“Is Jeff excited? He’ll finally have boobs to play
with.”
I shook my head and said, “He doesn’t know yet. I was
going to surprise him.”
Gwen said, “You’ll surprise him alright.”
Looking back down at the papers on her desk, Gwen
said, “While I have you here, let’s work out your schedule. Since next week is
Spring Break and you should be recovered enough from your surgery by then, I
need you to open on Friday and let’s see…um…and I need you to close on
Saturday.”
I nodded and said, “That shouldn’t be a problem. It
means I won’t get to out with Jeff next Saturday, though. I was going to show
him my new breasts.”
Gwen rolled her eyes again and said, “There’ll be
plenty of time for that, Monster. Plenty of time.”
* * *
Jeff was waiting for me at the theater entrance when I
got off work. It was a little after ten in the evening and he had volunteered
to give me a ride home since Diane had to borrow Mom’s rusting Escort. I was
so glad I didn’t have to stick around until close.
“Hey Jeff!” I called as I put my arms around his neck.
Before he could answer I gave him a big kiss.
“Hey babe! How’s it going?” asked Jeff after a
lingering kiss.
“Much better now!” I laughed as he put his arm around
me and led me out of the mall and towards his car. Even though it was March,
the evenings were still fairly cold and it felt so nice and warm being held close
to Jeff.
When we got into Jeff’s car, he said, “You seem a
little excited or anxious about something. Is something up?”
I couldn’t tell him about Monday so I said, “I must be
getting anxious about the big cheerleading contest coming up at the end of the
month.” At least that was partly honest.
Jeff laughed and said, “Well, don’t go getting
yourself so wound up this early or you’ll be a nervous wreck by the end of the
month.”
I smiled at him and said, “Yeah, I guess you’re
right.” As Jeff started the engine of his car I continued saying, “I don’t
feel like going straight home. Want to go to Harvey’s or maybe Freddy’s for
some pool?”
Jeff shook his head and said, “Not really. At least
not tonight. I drove past Harvey’s on the way over here and it looked pretty
crowded.”
“That’s okay,” I said. “We can just drive around a
little and talk if you want.”
“Sounds okay to me,” Jeff said.
We drove aimlessly around for about twenty minutes,
talking a little and kissing when we stopped at red lights. I was laying my
head on Jeff’s shoulder and I couldn’t see out the windshield. Jeff stopped
the car and turned the engine off. I raised my head and saw that we were
parked at Springer Lake.
“I always liked this view,” Jeff announced. I looked
forward and it was beautiful. The moon light dancing on the water and the
stars were incredibly bright. Jeff continued talking. “It’s too cold to go
for a walk, but let’s sit in the back seat and …uh talk.”
I gave Jeff a little smile and said, “Okay.” I exited
the car into the brisk night air. I looked up at the sky. It’s never this
clear during the summer. I stared at the sky for a moment before climbing into
the back of Jeff’s car.
I immediately curled up besides Jeff. I felt so warm
and protected being next to him. I looked up into his eyes. He smiled.
“You are so beautiful…” said Jeff in a whisper as he
bent his head toward me. Our lips softly touched. He backed up, and then
kissed me again with a little more passion. I closed my eyes. He then kissed my
cheek before nibbling on my ear. Chills went down my spine as he started
licking and sucking on my neck. I let out a small moan which seemed to spur
Jeff to greater passion.
Suddenly his tongue was in my mouth and he was kissing
me deeply, passionately. He paused for breath and I found myself quickly
pulling his shirt over his head, revealing his well muscled, athletic physique.
I ran my fingers down his chest as he continued to kiss me passionately. My
hand slipped to Jeff’s crotch and I felt a large bulge tugging against his
pants. I started to massage and squeeze the bulge. Jeff moaned as he sucked
on my probing tongue.
Jeff’s hand was up my blouse and I could tell he was
squeezing the breast form through my bra. Oh God! I wish I had my breasts! I
wanted to feel his hands on my breasts so bad. My blouse fell open and I
quickly discarded it, but I knew better than to remove the bra. Jeff kissed my
chest just above my bra.
Suddenly I was on my back with Jeff on top of me, his
pants gone, but his underwear still in place. He pressed into me as I held him
close and he kissed and nibbled at my neck. I reached for and finally caught
the band of his underwear and quickly pulled them down, exposing Jeff’s
manhood.
I pulled my pants down, careful to leave my panties in
place. Jeff pressed hard into my panties as I ran my fingernails down his
back. I tugged on his manhood. I wanted him so bad. I wanted him to take me,
body and soul.
And then Jeff’s hand slipped down to my panties and he
felt my own little bulge. It was like throwing a switch. Jeff immediately
went limp and he backed away from me. He closed his eyes and his face twisted
in some semblance of anger as he cried, “Dammit! You’re so fucking beautiful!
You seem so much like a fucking girl!” He sat there and breathed hard for a
few moments.
I started to cry and said, “Jeff Honey, I’m so sorry.
I want to be a girl. I want to be your girl. I love you Jeff! I love
you so much!” I tried to take his hand, but he pulled it away.
Jeff looked at me with a great sadness in his eyes as
he whispered, “I’m sorry…”
* * *
“You didn’t have to. But thank you so much for coming
with me and bringing me up here, Joey.” I said, clinging to Joey’s arm as we
walked toward his father’s clinic. I was an emotional train wreck after the
disastrous date with Jeff and then walking into the clinic to have breast
surgery.
“No problem, Chrissy. I’m glad I can offer some moral
support.” He held the door open for me. “Are you nervous?”
I let out a short laugh and said, “Nervous? Why in
the world would I be nervous?”
We walked up to the receptionist’s desk and before I
could speak, Joey informed them who I was. I was handed some papers to fill
out. It was the usual stuff – consent forms, release forms, next of kin, etc.
We sat out in the lobby for about half an hour.
Finally a cheerful looking nurse called out, “Ms. Davis? Step this way,
please.” Joey and I were led to a room and then the nurse left.
I could feel the sweat trickling down between my
shoulder blades as I stood up and crossed to the doorway where the nurse
stood. This was really going to happen. I self-consciously touched my chest,
thinking about how shortly, it would be flat no longer. I was wearing a sports
bra under my top, but I had left the breast forms at home.
“Good morning, Ms Davis“, greeted Dr. Saotome. “Are
you ready to change your life?”
I looked at him quizzically and asked, “You’re just
doing a boob job, right? You’re not doing anything else, are you?”
Joey’s dad looked confused for a moment, and then
laughed, “Oh, no. We’re just doing the breasts. What I meant was, most women
who finally get the breast size they desire, usually feel a change in their
lives. They’re more confident and they feel better about themselves.”
“I don’t think I could be any more ready, sir.” I said
as my stomach started to knot.
“Very good. We’ll be giving you a general anesthetic
and when you wake up, you’ll be your new you. Let me get the nurse.” Dr. Saotome
then left the room.
It was cold in the room, but that’s not the only
reason I had goose-bumps. I turned towards Joey and said with my voice
starting to shake, “Joey, am I nuts?”
Joey smiled weakly and said, “If you’re scared or
uncomfortable with this Chrissy, you don’t have to do it. If I didn’t think
you had wanted this, I would never have given you the gift card.”
I smiled back at him, and said, “I’m definitely
scared, but I feel that I really want this. It’s just…it’s such a …well, huge
step towards being a girl. I know it’s not a sex change, but still...” I
paused to take a deep breath. “I’ll be able to wear so many clothes I
currently can’t wear! I’ll be moving towards…towards becoming a woman
someday.”
Joey said, “Are you sure that’s what you really want?
To become a woman?”
My eyes defocused as my thoughts drifted. I said, “Oh
yes. I want to be a total woman for Jeff. Someday I want to walk down the
aisle in a beautiful gown and tell Jeff ‘I do’. I think about that a lot.”
Joey had an odd expression on his face, but he said,
“I hope all your dreams come true.”
* * *
I waved at Joey’s car as he sped away. I stood on my
front porch, afraid to go inside. It didn’t take long, but I was already in the
throes of ‘buyer’s remorse.’ I was in pain. Every step hurt. I didn’t like
the weight and of course, there was no way to remove it. It bothered me every
time I made a movement, my new breasts would shift. I was hoping my feelings
would soon change, but at that moment, I was thinking this had to be stupidest
thing I’ve ever done.
I slowly opened the door and stepped inside. As the
door shut behind me, I scanned the visible part of the house. No one was
around. I wondered where Mom and Diane were as I headed for my bedroom. A
voice suddenly called out from down the hallway.
“Hey! Sis, is that you?” called Diane from her room.
“It’s me,” I said without much enthusiasm.
Diane darted out of her room and hurried down the
hall. She started to give me a hug. “Ow! Ohh! Jeez!” I moaned as I tried to
push her away. “They’re very sensitive, Diane. Sorry, but that hurt.”
Diane lifted her hands in the air slightly as she
backed away and said, “Oh, sorry! I wasn’t thinking.” She paused a moment as
she eyed me with a goofy smile. Pointing at my chest, she said, “Well? Well?
Is that you?”
“It’s me,” I said without much enthusiasm.
“What’s wrong?” asked Diane. “Don’t you like your new
breasts?”
“I don’t know yet,” I said. “Right now I hurt too
much.”
“You’ll get used to them,” said Diane confidently. “I
had time to get used to mine, plus, you got to give the surgery time to heal.
Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. You look great.”
“Thanks,” I said, not yet convinced I’ll get used to
the weight and motion of the breasts.
“Take your top and bra off,” said Diane with a grin.
“I want to take a look.”
I carefully removed my shirt and bra. A bra was now a
required item and not just an uncomfortable part of the disguise. Obviously, I
didn’t think this through clearly enough.
“Your belly button is bandaged,” commented Diane. “I
thought he came in through the underarm? Wow…they’re kinda large and red and
your skin is so shiny.”
“They’re swollen and sore from the surgery,” I said,
as I looked down at my new breasts. “He had to stretch the skin a lot. I went
from nothing to a ‘B’ cup.”
Diane said, “You look good though, girl. He gave you a
nice shape and you’re going to look super in a bikini!”
I shook my head and said, “I don’t think so! I just
got breasts…nothing was removed.”
Suddenly, Diane pulled her top off and tossed it on
the couch. With a grin, she unsnapped her bra and also tossed it on the
couch. She stepped in close to me.
“I just wanted to get a comparison,” Diane said as she
looked down at her breasts and then looked over at mine. “I’m a ‘C’ cup…you
should have gone for another cup size.”
“I think this was good for a start,” I said as I
looked at Diane’s impressive bosom. This was so surreal. I had a pretty good
suspicion that if I didn’t have a rack of my own, I never would have gotten to see
Diane’s. I pointed at one of Diane’s nipples and said, “I wish my areolas were
big like that.”
Diane smirked as she said, “Yep, you still have boy
nipples. Can they do anything about that?”
I nodded. “The doc said he could, but I should heal
first and that it’d cost extra.”
We both turned towards the door at the sound of keys
rattling and before we could react, in stepped Dad, returning from work. He
took one look at us and stopped dead in his tracks. One of his eyes twitched.
Both Diane and I were very embarrassed. Still, I
turned towards Dad and said, “Hey Dad. Do you like my new boobies?” I lifted
them up a little, trying not to wince from the pain.
For a moment, Dad just stood there with his mouth
gaping open. Gaining some composure back, he said, “Yes Chris. It’s every
father’s dream to see his son standing naked in the living room, showing off
his new tits.”
Trying to act nonchalant, Dad sat down and turned on
the television. “And, I think the last time I saw my daughter without a shirt
on, she was four years old and playing with the sprinkler in the front yard.”
Without looking back, he continued, “Please. The two of you, put some clothes
on.”
Nodding in the general direction of my bedroom, Diane
said, “Come on. Let’s go to your room.” We grabbed our clothes that we had
tossed onto the couch and hurried to my room.
After the door was closed, we both looked at each
other and started giggling like a couple of school girls.
Laughing, Diane said, “Did you see the look on Dad’s
face? That was classic!”
Giggling, I said, “Poor Dad! I’m afraid I’m going to
cause him to go to a mental ward or something.”
We giggled for a few moments. Then with a smirk,
Diane picked up her bra and dangled it in front of me, saying, “You’re going to
have to wear one of these all the time now, sis. You can’t just toss your
boobs into a drawer like those old breast forms!”
“I know!” I squealed. “I didn’t even think
about wearing a bra. All I wanted was boobs to get Jeff’s attention.”
“Speaking of Jeff, have you told him yet?” Diane
asked.
I shook my head again and said, “No. Not yet. I was
going to surprise him, probably Sunday since I have to work Saturday night.”
“He should enjoy those,” said Diane. “I’ll give you
fair warning though…guys can’t keep their hands off your boobs.”
* * *
“Hi Jeff,” I said into the phone. “How are you?”
“Hey, Babe,” said Jeff through the phone. “I’m doing
great. And you?”
“Doin’ good, all things considered,” I said.
“I was just calling to see what your schedule was this
weekend.”
I sighed loudly and said, “I’m off from work until
Friday. Then I open on Friday and I close on Saturday.” I wanted to tell him
so bad about my new boobs. I couldn’t wait to see his face when I showed them
to him.
“Oh, okay. Maybe I can get with you Sunday?”
I shrugged uselessly and said, “Sure. Sunday would be
cool. What about tonight or tomorrow? Maybe a movie or something?”
“Sorry, Babe,” Jeff said. “I can’t. I have to help my
dad all week with his car.”
“That’s okay,” I said, not doing a very good job of
hiding my disappointment. “We’ll see you then. You can still call, you know.”
“I will. Take it easy, babe. I’ll see you Sunday.”
I hung up the phone, feeling sad that I wasn’t going
to get to see Jeff for the rest of the week. It was probably for the best
though. That way I could get more healing before showing off the new me to
him.
* * *
I was so tired when I got home from working at the
theater Friday afternoon. I had stopped by Jeff’s shoe store, but he wasn’t
there.
I took my bra off and slouched on the couch to watch
some television and my breasts annoyingly shifted to one side. One part of me
was ecstatic about looking and feeling more like a girl. Another side of me was
really regretting my decision. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t get away
from those breasts.
At work, Gwen of course, gave me a lecture about how
it was a mistake for me to have actually gone ahead and gotten breasts. And she
went on at length about how it was all her fault. She told me how just having
breasts doesn’t make you a girl. I’m sure she’d say something about having a
vagina doesn’t make you a girl either…
As I tried to watch television, my mind wandered all
over the place. One thought I just couldn’t shake was the fact that prom was
rapidly approaching and I still didn’t have a dress. I could probably wear
Diane’s, since no one there would remember it. But I wanted my own dress to
have memories of.
The phone rang, jarring me out of my reverie. I
answered it and it was Gwen.
“Hey, Monster.” Gwen said. “I need you to do me a
huge favor.”
“Depends.”
“Sorry to spring this at almost the last minute, but I
need you to open tomorrow instead of closing,” said Gwen. “Do you think you
can handle that?”
“Sure, that won’t be a problem,” I said honestly.
“Thanks. I always know I can depend on you. See ya
tomorrow.” And with that, she hung up.
The door to the garage opened and Dad stepped into the
living room. “Who was on the phone? Anything important?”
“No, Dad,” I said. “It was just Gwen. She wants me
to open tomorrow.”
“Oh, okay.” Dad started to go back into the garage.
“Dad?”
“What Chris?” Dad asked with a little impatience in
his voice.
I turned around in the couch so I could see him and
said, “Dad, do you hate me?”
Dad seemed genuinely taken aback. He said, “No,
Honey. I don’t hate you. Things just aren’t going quite the way I expected
them to.”
He came over and sat down on the couch with me. As he
sat down he asked, “Why are you asking that?”
I sat up a little straighter and was annoyed by the
weight of my boobs shifting. Diane has assured me that this will begin to feel
normal soon. I said to Dad, “You haven’t really talked to me since my decision
to stay a girl.”
Frowning, Dad said, “I’ll be completely honest here.
Seeing you like this and hearing you say you want to stay a girl permanently,
causes me a great deal of pain.” I started to say something, but Dad held up
his hand. “No, wait…You promised you’d go back to being normal after graduation.”
“I know Dad. And I’m sorry.” I said. “But this is
who I honestly feel that I am. I can’t explain it.”
Dad’s eye twitched slightly. As he started to stand,
he said, “Well, anyway son. No, I don’t hate you and I’ll always love you.”
He started to walk away, and then turned to face me, his eyes boring into my
forehead. “I was so happy that you were a little boy when you were born. I
was so freakin’ happy that I was finally given a son.” His voice trailed away
and he stood there in silence for a moment. He then turned and without another
word, walked back out to the garage.
* * *
Gwen was just unlocking the theater doors when I
arrived. Apparently I was the first employee to arrive.
Gwen smiled when she saw me and said, “Hey, Monster.
Thanks so much for filling in this morning. With Marvin out sick, I was going
to be really short handed this morning.”
Frowning, I said, “Gwen, stop calling me that! I’m
not your monster! And you’re welcome.”
Gwen laughed and said, “Okay, okay! I’ll stop…Miss
Frankenstein.”
Feigning being upset, I said, “Now cut it out!”
Forcing herself to be serious, Gwen pointed at the
snack bar and said, “Chrissy, if you would, please, start making some popcorn
and wipe down the counters. The rest of the crew should be here any minute.”
Ten minutes later, everyone who was supposed to be
working had arrived. Customers started trickling in for the first matinee.
I was squatted down below the counter top,
straightening some items on the shelves when Holly said, “Hey, Chrissy. Isn’t
that your boyfriend?”
“What?” I asked as I looked up at Holly.
She pointed and said, “Is that your boyfriend?”
I stood up and looked in the direction Holly had
indicated. I felt the blood suddenly drain from my body. There was Jeff
walking in through theater doors with some girl from school draped on his arm.
I’d seen her around, but didn’t know her name. They were laughing and Jeff
bent down and gave her a quick kiss.
“Jeff?” I said, my voice very unsteady. My anger
welling up as if it was in thermal runaway.
He stopped cold in his tracks and looked at me with a
definite “busted!” expression on his face. “Chrissy! Ah…hey. I thought you
weren’t working until tonight.”
“I was asked to come in early.” I said, my voice
turning to ice. “Wha…What’s going on?”