"Y'know,
Danny, I've been thinking-"
Warning! Warning! Danger, Will
Robinson, Danger!
"-that
you really should start wearing a bra around the house."
I
blinked stupidly. "A Bra?"
"Yes.
I know, with your super-strength and all that, you don't need the
support as much as other women-"
Other
women?
"-but
if you keep developing the way you are, you will need something.
Also, I don't think that it's doing your brother any good, seeing you jiggle
around the house."
"Maaaa!"
"Now,
Danny, you yourself admitted that at the rate that you're...adapting...that
you may not be able to pass for male much longer. Dear, it's only going
to be worse if you keep sticking your head in the sand and not dealing
with it. For instance, I think sometime this week, we have to go shopping and
get you some nice clothes."
"
Mmmaaahhh!"
"Don't
you 'Mmmaaahhh!' Me, young lady!" Young Lady?
"For instance, those jeans don't really fit you. At the very least
we're going to have to get you some that are actually cut to fit that caboose
of yours!"
"I
have a caboose?" I twisted around uselessly, expecting to
see that I had somehow grown a pumpkin on my ass.
<hhhmmmm>
"No, I wouldn't really call it a caboose just yet, dear. But, it does
kind of overfill those jeans. And while we're shopping, I really do
think that you should at least try on a skirt."
"A
_Skirt_?"
"Well,
Why Not? You are developing a very nice set of legs - it
would be a shame not to show them off. Speaking of which - Danny, when the
time finally does come, and you start living as a woman, do I tell the
girls at work that I've made the acquaintance of a very nice young lesbian, or
can I expect 'gentlemen callers' for you?"
I
looked at her with a mixture of shock, betrayal and horror.
She
remained as serene as only a mother doing what she knows is right can.
"Danny, we are going to have to face these things. Believe me,
it's best if we take the bull by the horns and deal with them before they have
a chance to get awkward. Dear, you are turning into very attractive
young lady - indeed; you look like you may actually be getting a tad younger!
Must be part of that superheroing thing, they always look young and fresh for
some reason. Sooner or later, someone is going to put some moves on you, and
you'd better be ready for it."
I
had no idea of what to say to that, so I said nothing and went up to the
bathroom. I looked at myself for a bit. I bobbed up and down, to see if I really
needed a bra. I gotta admit, I was definitely getting some air on those
honkers. I turned around and stood on my toes to check out what Ma was saying
about my caboose. Then I heard Eli banging on the door, yelling to be let in.
I opened the door. Eli was still a little fuzzy around the edges with that
first-thing-in-the-morning-where-the-hell-is-the-goddam-coffee thing. As
he tried to push past me, I asked, "Eli, am I pretty?"
He
blinked, looked at for a long while and mumbled, "Even first thing in the
morning, I'm too smart to answer that question." Then he went in
and locked the door.
*****
I
tried to pursue the matter later during work, but I couldn't get Eli alone
until we and Reyes were out in the NewsLemon.
I
tried to keep it in the family, but Reyes seems to have a genetic
predisposition toward eavesdropping. "What are you two going on about?"
"Oh,
Dan here just wants to know if he's pretty."
She
gave me the snake eye. "Pretty? What? Was that bitch Power Woman
giving you a hard time last night? Y'know, I was listening in over our
link, and I think she has it in for you."
<sigh>
"Reyes, Power Woman is an established superheroine in this town,
and she cannot look like that and not know that she is fifty
different kinds of gorgeous. Why would a woman like that feel in even
the slightest way threatened by me?"
Reyes
gave me a rueful 'you are such a guy' look. "Who says that she has
to feel threatened? She may just resent you cutting in on her turf. Besides,
some of the most mind-numbingly beautiful women that I've ever met were
absolutely convinced that they were either never good-looking to begin
with, or that they were on the verge of having everything drop and start to look
like a basset hound. She may look like she has her act together, but on the
inside, she could be hanging on with her fingertips."
"Y'kiddin'!"
"Maxham,
female friendships are a wonderful and beautiful thing - that's 'cause they're
so fucking rare. Men may talk about competition, but women live
it, 24-7. There was a comedienne named Pam Stone who had this great routine,
where she said that when men went out on the town, they were Pals, and
they wanted everyone to get laid. But women will try to sabotage
each other, so that they'll look better and have a better chance of scoring."
"Maybe,
but we're talking superheroes here - it's a totally different trip, totally!"
"Hmmm...
Maybe, but I doubt it. I mean, think about it - Ms. Hex can fly, but her look
doesn't really stand up next to Power Woman's. Give the Uber-Blonde this, her
outfit rocks! Tigress' outfit has a pretty high kickage factor, too,
but she can't fly. Now, You, on the other hand, have a very
stylin' outfit, which is in direct competition with hers, and not
only do you fly, but you have this really photogenic lightning aura when you
fly - you kind of shove her off to the side visually."
"Oh,
Please! I have a hard time believing that Power Woman is that
insecure."
Reyes
just gave me a 'you'll know better when you grow up' smile, and changed the
subject. "Well, you'll see - by the by, what prompted all of this?"
Eli
gave a sour grimace. "Dan asked me, first thing in the morning-" he
pitched his voice high and squeaky, "-'Eli, am I Pretty?'"
As he squeaked, he fluttered his eyelashes.
"Eli,
little brother, just remember that I still know where you keep your
stash of stroking material, even if Mom doesn't."
But
Reyes wasn't being intimidated. "C'mon, Maxham, what's up? Normally,
you only deal with your feminine side if it's rammed down your throat!"
"Oh,
Ma was making noises about me wearing a bra around the house-"
Reyes
nodded. "And?"
"And
she was talking about taking me shopping for girlie clothes, and wearing skirts,
and she even asked me if I was gonna come out of a closet I was never in to say
that I was lesbian, or if I was gonna start bringing guys home!"
"Good
questions! I'm just glad that I'm not gonna be the one to have to deal
with you clattering around that house trying to get the hang of high heels! I
mean, for a guy who goes around facing down monsters and supervillains
for a living, you are the biggest chicken when it comes to
dealing with anything feminine! Hey-Soos Marimba, Maxham, it's going
to happen! Just go out in a miniskirt and high heels and get
it over with already!"
I
looked over at Eli for any kind of fraternal support. He just kept his eyes on
the road, and pointedly avoided getting any further involved in the
conversation.
But
Reyes wasn't having any problems; hell, she was just getting warmed up. "After
all, this is only the beginning! You tell me that you never had any
sisters - so, your mother is only getting warmed up for dealing with a girl-"
"Hey!"
"-and
she has all those 'Mother-Daughter Moment' fantasies to catch up on: shopping
trips, first dates, the Senior Prom - no, it's way too late for that - and
of course, the Ultimate: the Big Wedding, complete with all the frills!"
"Say
What?"
"And,
as much as I hate to admit it, your mother has a point. You can't just keep
going on ignoring what's happening to you. Either you find some way of getting
your masculinity back - and exactly how you'd do that, I have
no idea - _OR_ you get used to the fact that you're gonna be
using the other restrooms in a while. If I were you, I'd start getting
used to the idea.
"Come
to think of it, which way do you swing, Maxham? After all, you haven't
exactly been Joe Swinging-Guy since I met you. Do you even have a
girlfriend? How long has it been for you, anyway?"
I
looked her straight in the eye. "I'll tell you, if you tell me how
long it's been since you got your ashes hauled. Which way do you
swing, Reyes? Are you so hot to get me in frilly knickers, 'cause you're
trying to create some kind of perfect girlfriend for yourself?"
I
thought that I had her with that one. Instead, she broke out laughing, and
giggled all the way to the fire.
*****
Between
Eli's guarded silence and Reyes' giggle-fits, the day kind of crawled along.
*****
When
late afternoon rolled around, we parked the NewsLemon by the Interstate. There
had been a string of well-orchestrated armored car hold-ups as the cars were bringing
in shipments of cash from various businesses. The hits had been quick, well
planned, and the perps had been in and out so quickly that there was no
positive ID. There were three of them; one either was an energy projector or
had a ray gun, and another was a 'brick' of some sort. They got the car off
the road, blew open the back, split with eight sacks of loose bills, and made
sure to take the bill registration forms. Simple, well executed strikes. Good
planning and super-powered crooks are not one of my favorite
combinations.
As
we settled in for the armored car to come by, Eli turned to me and asked, "So,
what are the other AEGIS guys doing about this?"
"Well,
the problem is, our perps haven't been hitting the same armored car company. Heck,
the last car they hit belonged to the State! So, while we're reasonably sure
that if they're gonna hit again, they'll hit at this time - when the various
companies are making their cash pick-up rounds - we can't be sure which
of the companies they'll hit. And the armored car companies make a point of
not using the same routes, so there's no common point. So, the more
mobile AEGIS members have picked a route and a spot to begin following their
car. If our fish bite, we make a call to the others, and hopefully they'll get
here in time to be of some kind of help."
Reyes
grumped, "Seems like a lot of fuss, over a measly eight bags of cash a
shot."
I
turned to her, adjusting my wig. "It ain't the cash, Reyes - if these
guys were in it just for the money, they'd have quit after the third job. If
they keep doing this, it means that they need the money, and they can't
just go out and get a loan. Now, I ask you - what are the odds
that these guys are financing their Aunt Gertrude's liver transplant?"
"So
you're worried that they're financing something big?"
"Either
a really big job, or a secret base - Man, I wish I knew how to
invest in covert construction! - or some Fiendish Thingie, or the list just
goes on and on. And 97.35% of it are things that we, as responsible citizens, don't
want let loose on the streets. Dear God! Those fiends could be
plotting a Spice Girls Reunion!"
Then
the armored car drove by, and we were after it, speeding along to protect the
world from Grrrl Power.
We
drove along after the armored car until it was just getting into the Industrial
District, about a mile and a half away from the armor car company's security
compound. As the armored car rounded a curve, a bolt of energy lashed out and
slagged the car's wheel on the side that it was turning into. The car started
to skid, and a pair of long chains with grappling hooks on the ends whipped out
and snagged the car, pulling it straight into the concrete pylon of an overpass.
"Showtime!"
Eli exulted. "I'll head over to that overhang, and you can do your
'Flying Dismount', bro- Shit!" Eli was interrupted
in mid-plan when another energy bolt took out one of the NewsLemon's front
wheels.
The
NewsLemon fishtailed, and started to roll over sideways. Eli was (moderately) safely
strapped in, but Reyes and I were loose in the back. I wrapped myself around a
freaking Reyes and magnetically repelled us into the center of the rear
compartment. We tumbled a few times, and finally came to a stop.
I
let go of Reyes and clambered over to where Eli was. Eli was out, but his
breathing was steady - for whatever that's worth. I checked his neck, the most
dangerous thing in these situations. His neck was limp, but not broken. Though
whiplash might still be a problem. "Reyes! Call this in, get the cops
and an ambulance here, STAT! After you call it in, hold his neck, and make
sure that he's all right. Please!"
Reyes
only took a minute, and I was finally free to take care of business. As I
started to crawl out of the van's sunroof, Reyes said to me, "Maxham?
Tear off their asses, and bring me a piece of each." And she
wasn't kidding.
I
bolted over to the highway overpass, flew up its side, and used that to cover
my entrance. There were three guys approaching the armored car in stages,
Special Forces-style. Everything about these guys screamed 'Pro' - their
outfits were variations on a theme with color coding for easy recognition among
themselves. The outfits weren't spandex, they were urban cammie gray padded
jumpsuits with individualized body armor. The chest armor obviously doubled as
a utility vest/equipment harness. Their helmets included eyeshields, gas masks
and an external 'rabbit ear' that usually suggests a communications rig. Despite
the fact that they probably each had some kind of superpower, they each carried
an automatic pistol, a knife, and a couple of grenades. Unlike most ego-maniacs
with superpowers, the only logo or identifying mark on them were single red
initials on the left breast and right arm: 'S', 'G' and 'R'.
As
they got into striking range of the armored car, the one with a 'G' on his arm
pointed an overdeveloped glove at the doors of the car and let loose with a
bluish bolt of energy. As 'G' broke off and started adding some kind of
appliance to his glove, the one with the 'R' stretched both of his arms forward
and two long chains came flying out to grab the handles on the car. 'S'
grabbed the chains and gave them a big yank, pulling the doors of the car. As
'R' retracted his chains, 'G' finished adding the appliance and fired a bluish
ball into the interior of the car. When it hit, the interior flashed for a
moment. They were probably making sure that the guards in the back weren't
still up and dangerous. Then they went in on foot. Mind you, this all took
less time for them to do it than it probably did to tell.
Okay,
I admit it; I screwed up - I went in mad. My only excuse is that I only have
one brother left, and I just had to leave him lying there in order to deal with
these assholes. They hurt my brother. They are going to bleed.
I
figured that the guy with the zapper-glove was probably the most dangerous of
the three - besides, he was the one who blasted the NewsLemon. So, I
thundercharged into him, and sent him sprawling. I rolled out of the tackle
and went into my 'read them their rights' bit: "Okay, who wants
some?"
'S'
said absolutely nothing, but threw a large heavy canvass moneybag straight into
my stomach, knocking me back. 'R' did this thing with his chains where he
picked up one of the armored car doors and swung them into me as I was
staggering with the moneybag. As I was reeling from that, I felt my cape get
very hot, which probably means that 'G' just shot me in the back with a laser
or something. God, I hope Reyes isn't getting this on tape!
Then
'S' came barreling into me. As we grappled, I noticed that his right arm was
significantly larger than the other was, and felt much different. Maybe he's
some kind of cyborg. I put up my electro-shock barrier. He flinched a little,
but nowhere near as much as a man with that much metal in him should have. Then
I felt a blast clip me alongside the head, and 'R's chains wrap around my
throat.
As
I struggled with the chains around my throat, which weren't responding to my
electromagnetics the way they should have, I spotted 'S' charging at me again,
his oversized right fist cocked to knock my block off. Just as he was about a
foot or so away from me, there was a flurry of white, and he was knocked off to
the side.
A
glorious figure in gold and white floated about a foot off the ground. She
snarled, "Okay, you mutts may be able to kick around the rookie. Now,
do you want to try it with a real superhero?"
Power
Woman.
First
Ma, then Reyes, then Eli, then the Three Cyber-Stooges, and now Power Woman.
This
day just keeps getting worse and worse.
Especially
since 'S', 'R' and 'G' weren't any more impressed by her than they were by me;
'R' swung me around and used me as a sledgehammer, slamming me into her side. At
least he didn't snap my neck when he did it, which is what I think he was
trying for. God, I hate fighting Pros.
'G'
slapped another of his appliances on his glove and began pelting us with a rain
of small plasma blobs. 'S' and 'R' were loading up with moneybags. Then I
heard a crackle in my ear. [Lady Lighting! Lady Lightning, squawk back!]
[I'm
here, Control], I whispered. We had the scrambler on, but if Justiciar or
somebody else at AEGIS could crack it, it must not be very good, so I watched
my On-Air Security.
[We
have an ID on these guys: They're called the 'Robo-Raiders', though behind
their back they're called the 'Retreads'. The guy with the blaster is called
'Gauntlet', the big guy is called 'Strongarm', and the guy with the chains is
called 'Reach'. There were two others, called 'Evil Eye' and 'Siren', who
haven't shown up with the others in a while. They were a squad of high-tech
pirates who stole prototype technology for their employer, Yoyodyne
Technologies, until their boss got busted a few years ago.]
[That's
very interesting, Control, but you're not telling me anything that's
worth distracting me right now. Besides, what about E-, ah, Tech
Support?]
[Tech
Support is all right. He'll have a sore neck for a while, but he's on the job.
Anyway, as for interesting, how about this? These guys have a major
league weakness - their batteries. If you can get their battery packs offa
them, they run out of power real quick. How's that for
worth distraction?]
[Not
bad, Control, but there's one problem - these guys ain't wearing
any battery packs that I can tell.]
[What?
Are you sure? Check their belts!]
[First
thing I did, Control. But, are you sure that these guys are all cyborgs?]
[Yeah,
if these are the same guys, and not somebody else using their outfits.]
[Unlikely.
Still, that is some good information, Control. Lady Lightning - Out.]
As
I had been chatting with Reyes, Power Woman had been trudging forward into
Gauntlet's hail of fire like she was walking into a stiff rain. Then, Reach
swung his buddy Strongarm past her, and he clipped her with his 'good' bionic
arm as he passed. They had managed to load up with two bags each (and an additional
two for Strongarm). Reach handed a chain over to Gauntlet, who Strongarm threw
up onto one of the overpasses. Gauntlet secured the chain on the overpass
railing, and Reach hauled himself and Strongarm up.
Power
Woman and I raced each other up to the overpass. Gauntlet was waiting for us
with another of his slap-on nasty appliances. This one threw a plasma-bolt the
size of a beach ball at us.
I
deflected the bolt and used the path of ionization created by his line of fire
to send a jolt into his gauntlet. The appliance exploded, but Gauntlet was
able to eject it before it damaged his namesake.
While
Gauntlet was changing appliances, I took advantage of the cease-fire to grab a
little altitude. Reach took advantage of my altitude to grab me by the ankle
with his chains and slam me into Power Woman again. Then Strongarm took
advantage of us being tangled up to chuck a mid-sized late model economy sedan -
complete with three screaming passengers - at us.
Power
Woman caught it. I just barely caught sight of Gauntlet taking aim - at the
underside of the car. It flashed through my mind that a 16-gallon tank of
gasoline has roughly the explosive power of 5 sticks of TNT. I barely managed
to deflect his blast as Power Woman eased the car to the ground. Then
Strongarm charged into the far side of the car, slamming it into both of us,
and pinning us against a concrete overpass pylon.
As
we struggled to push the car off of us, I turned to Power Woman. "Yo, Blondie
- these guys are making us look like Laverne and Shirley!
We have got to get our act together, or these guys are gonna combination
play us into the ground!"
Power
Woman grunted, "_I'm _ always_ open_ to_ constructive_ suggestions_!"
as she tried to overcome the force of Strongarm on the other end of the car.
"Okay,
this Strongarm guy is probably very strong-" Power Woman gave me a
withering 'Well, Duh!' look, "-ON THE GROUND. I can't see any way
that he can apply any leverage OFF of it."
I
could see a flash of comprehension through the eyeholes in her helmet. She
shifted her footing, and instead of trying to shove the car back at Strongarm,
she lifted the entire car andStrongarm off the
ground. Strongarm retaliated by kicking the gas tank free of the car, sending
highly explosive fuel all over both of us.
Power
Woman and I looked at each other for a split second, and we lifted in a hurry.
Power Woman took off with the car still in hand, and I split in the other
direction as Gauntlet lit the fuel. I covered Power Woman setting the crippled
car and it's highly stressed occupants down safely by letting go with an
unrestrained barrage of electrical bolts that scattered all over the place. The
'Robo-Raiders' were forced to take cover. I don't do this kind of thing very
often, 'cause it's a real power-hog, and my own batteries must be kind of low-
-Hold
the phone! I checked my 'batteries', and not only were they not depleted, they
felt like they were completely charged! An idea clicked into place.
Gauntlet
took advantage my distraction to set up a counter-barrage. I gestured to Power
Woman, and we took cover behind a wrecked truck. Once we could talk, I took
charge. "Okay, here's the plan: these guys are supposed to be operating
on batteries - do these guys look like they're running low on juice?"
Power
Woman took a look at Strongarm gearing up to 'Fastball Express' Reach up onto a
nearby building, and shook her head.
"So,
I figure that they have some kind of broadcast power projector somewhere around
here, recharging them constantly. I can use my electromagnetics to track it
down and take it out."
Power
Woman shook her head. "Nope. No good. If you leave to go find it, then
it'll just be me keeping these guys busy until someone from AEGIS shows up. They're
running rings around the both of us - if it's just me, they'll just
throw another car or something and get away while you're taking out their power
supply and I'm saving whoever's in the car."
"Hmmm...
Good Point. So...the key to this situation is mobility. Reach is their
mobility man; he's the one getting them to wherever they have their getaway car
stashed. How about this - we charge them and double-team Reach. We take out
his chain-casters, or whatever those things are called. Rip the damn chains
out of the socket, if we have to. That will cut down their mobility to almost
zero. Then I find their power supply. In the meantime, remember that these
guys are cyborgs - their power comes from their hardware. Heck, they're
probably pulling these jobs to pay for replacement parts and somebody to do the
repairs! So, strike at the obvious hardware as much as possible - that way you
can whittle away at their effectiveness without actually killing these
assholes. Also, with Strongarm, target his shoulder; even if his entire body
is reinforced to cope with the torque generated by that arm of his, the
shoulder has to be the point of greatest stress."
A
smile of nasty anticipation crossed Power Woman's face, and she nodded.
Looking
over the hood of the wrecked truck, we waited until Strongarm had Reach cocked
and loaded for his next big jump. Strongarm catapulted Reach, who was leaving
one of his chains unspooling behind him. As soon as Reach was airborne, we
launched after him. We caught up with him just as he crested his arc. Power
Woman grabbed him, and blocked the trailing chain to keep him from retracting
it. Reach wasn't completely relying on his chain-caster, however - he kept
kicking at Pee-Dubya with those piston driven cybernetic legs of his. She
didn't like it much, especially on top of taking the bulk of Gauntlet's fire
from the ground, but she was coping. I groped around him for a bit, and found
what I was looking for - a pair of drums located along his back, which were
probably the housings for the chains while they were retracted. I popped the
sheath on one of my heels, and I used it to pry open the drums one at a time
and discombobulate the retraction motors. I noticed that ol' Reach got
significantly more power behind his chains when they were coming out of their
housings than he did when they were fully extended. I hadn't crippled him, but
I think he was operating at a significant handicap now.
I
gave Power Woman a thumbs-up, and left her to keep the other two from making
too much mileage. I felt around with my electromagnetic fields, and finally
found a very strong directional pulse. Directional pulse. Good, then all I
have to do is follow it back, using the Doppler Effect to guide me.
As
I flew up toward the broadcast power projector, a corona of electricity flared
around me. By the time I landed on the top of a twenty-story building a
quarter mile away, I was damned impressive, let me tell you! Damn
shame that Reyes probably wasn't getting it on film - after all that footage of
the 'Robo-Raiders' kicking us around, I'm gonna need all the kickass footage
that I can get!
At
least I was impressive enough that the guy who was operating some kind of
broadcast equipment let go to go scrambling for a shotgun that he had
conveniently at hand. A shotgun. After the day that I've had, that was almost
an insult. I magno-snagged it out of his hands, and cuffed him on the fly with
my patented 'flying handcuff' maneuver.
Finally,
I managed to get a look at the setup that he had. He had a pair of high-powered
binoculars set up on a tripod, and what looked like a scrambled PCS system. Next
to that was a laptop computer, which had a couple of MO and Tactics files on
Power Woman and me open on it. Next to that was a notebook that looked
suspiciously like a football playbook. No wonder those guys were so
well coordinated! This SOB had been running Tactical Ops for them!
I
took the headset off of 'the Coach', and listened in. Strongarm and Reach were
yammering for ol' 'Coach' to tell them what to do. On a sadistic whim, I
twisted a few knobs and set up an ear-splitting feedback which must have really
rattled their heads inside those helmets, and then I cut the power that was
being broadcast to them. Betcha they ain't such fancy dancers now!
On
a rather masochistic impulse, I looked at my MO and Tactics file. Oh, Shit! I
do that? I quickly duped the entire file and tucked it into a shielded
compartment on my belt. Then I made a call to my own Tactical Ops
adviser. [Control? Control?]
I
got a bunch of On-Air Commentary in reply, but finally she was able to switch
over. [Lady Lightning?]
[Call
the Cops, and send them to the roof-] I checked the address on the inside of
the roof door, [-of the Compton Building, and pick up a suspect on charges of
Conspiracy and Aiding & Abetting in Grand Larceny and like that.] I gave
her a bare-bones run-down of the set up.
[Cool!
Now Get Back Here! Power Woman looks like she's wiping up
the place with these guys after you bugged out!]
Though
I thunder-charged back as quickly as I could, the fight was more or less
wrapped up by the time I got there. Power Woman was in the process of
dramatically ripping Strongarm's namesake out of its socket. Reach was well
wrapped up in his own chains, and Gauntlet's right hand was a smoking shattered
ruin.
But
that wasn't important - what was, was that Reyes was handling the mobile-cam by
herself. She must have told me that Eli was all right in order to calm me down.
I looked around - "Where are the Paramedics? We have wounded here!"
Power
Woman looked around calmly. "Looks like the usual traffic tie-up after
one of these things. They'll probably have to send in Medivac."
But
Eli needs medical help right now! I powered up, and managed to
spot an ambulance tied up in traffic. I floated down besides them, and thumped
on the door. "Hey! We have three men down!"
The
EMT looked at me. "Hey, Lady, unless you can airlift this entire ambulance-"
"We
don't need the entire ambulance - just three gurneys and a Paramedic to get
them stable while the Medivac chopper gets here. Stack up three gurneys, and
I'll fly them and a Paramedic to the scene."
"We
only got two gurneys - either'a you guys wanna fly Air Superhero?"
One
of the Paramedics, a chunky African-American woman, reluctantly raised her hand.
We stacked the gurneys, Delores (the EMT's name) climbed aboard them, and I
lifted them both. It was awkward, but I got her there a full twenty minutes
ahead of Medivac. The two guards had nasty plasma burns, so Delores dealt with
them first. My little brother was lying there with a concussion and maybe a
broken neck, and I had to just stand there while she took him last. Having a
secret identity really sucks.
Power
Woman was busy working the Press. Anything that I said would look too much
like 'Hey, I was there too!', so I lifted off and let her get all the
glory. On top of everything, my TV Quotient was taking a beating, too.
Reyes
had managed to get my civvies off to a place where I could get them without
being spotted, and I managed to insinuate myself among the other media tech-types.
The insurance company's on the spot man handed me a sheaf of claim forms an
inch thick, and I had my work for the rest of the afternoon cut out for me.
By
the time I slogged through all the paperwork and managed to get a ride over to
the hospital, Visiting Hours were over. Par for the course. Then I had to go
home, and tell Ma that Eli was in the hospital. Oh, Happy, Happy! Joy, Joy!
Ma
was upset, and she was even more unhappy when I told her that we'd have to wait
until the next morning to see Eli. She trudged up the stairs, suddenly looking
twenty years older. I went over to the liquor cabinet, and looked up my old
friend Johnny Walker. But as I started to unscrew the cap, I realized that we
didn't have enough booze in the house to so much as put a dent in my
funk. Hell, the Johnny Walker plant doesn't put out enough in a week to
drown my sorrows. I just recapped the bottle, put it back and went upstairs
myself.
As
I got ready, I took a long look at myself in the mirror. Suddenly, slowly
becoming a woman didn't seem like such a tragedy. I crawled under the covers,
very glad to finally have that day behind me.
*****
Ma
and I were out the door and over to the hospital first thing the next morning. We
both got the day off from work, which was a lot easier for me, 'cause none of
the other camera jockeys wanted to shoot with Reyes after what happened to Eli.
When we got to Eli's room, he did the most reassuring thing he possibly could
have done - he started complaining.
"Ah,
Man Dan, I heard that you let Power Woman hog all the credit!"
"Yep,
Li'l Bro - we did most of the hard work, and the glitzy blonde blows in and
takes all the glory."
"Why
did you let her do it? Ol' Reyes must be having kittens-"
A
voice came from the doorway. "Nope, not even a dust bunny!" Reyes
was at the door with a near-obligatory basket of fruit.
I
raised an eyebrow. "Why not? You aren't getting any residuals
from Power Woman merchandise, are you?"
"No,
but the way that I see it, we were getting a little too 'Superman/Lois Lane'. If
we let her have the spotlight on this one - and let's face it, this one story
just ain't worth the trouble - then it doesn't look so much like we're
in a partnership. As a matter of fact, I've been thinking that we should let
Roy McGwuire have have a shot at doing a 'Lady Lightning' story."
"McGwuire?
That ratsass? Why him? There are other reporters in this town."
"Yeah,
but we really do have a commitment to keeping these stories within the Station.
Besides, Roy's been nosing around, trying to figure out how I've been able to
get all these Super-stories. If he just lucks into one, then he'll stop
wondering and chalk it up to being in the right place at the right time."
Reyes
turned her attention to the patient. She put the basket on a table. "Here,
just in case you get an uncontrollable urge for fiber. So, how's the neck?"
Eli
sank back into his pillow and screwed an expression of barely restrained agony
on his face. "I-I'm...holding on...barely."
"Yeah,
well your Worker's Comp will only pay for four more days of this. And since
you were injured on the job, the Station will let you have a week of downtime
before it starts cutting into your Sick Days."
"A
Week! That's Outrageous! I'm gonna talk to my Union about this!"
Reyes
smiled merrily. "You go right ahead! Like I should
care! I'm not Management!" Then she looked at Ma. "Oh, I've been
meaning to talk to you..."
*****
Horror has a face. You must
make a
Friend of horror. Horror and
Mortal
Terror are your friends. If
they are not
Your friends, then they are
enemies to
be feared. They are truly
enemies.
Apocalypse Now
Everyone
gets what they want. I wanted a mission for my sins, and they gave me one from
Room Service.
For
my sins, they gave me a shopping trip.
One
of my all-time nightmares had come true - Reyes and Ma had joined forces. They
had decided, in that oh, so superior way that females have, that they were
going to take me shopping for women's clothes, whether I liked it or not. Now,
all I need is for She-Devil to climb on the bandwagon.
As
we left Eli's room, Ma and Reyes herded me into a Women's Restroom. Reyes
handed me a dark wig. "Okay, get out of that stupid 'fat suit' and take
off that idiotic phony beard. That jumpsuit doesn't do a damn thing
for you, but it will have to do until we can get to a store."
"Store?
What have you been smoking, Reyes?"
Ma
fixed me with a hard glare. "She's just talking common sense,
Maxine-"
"Maxine?"
"It's
obvious that you will just keep sticking your head in the sand until it's too
late. We can't allow that to happen. We are taking you shopping for
some nice female clothing, _right _now_. You are going to buy some
skirts, shoes, underwear _and a bra_. I am not going to let you keep
traipsing around the house with your boobies waving around like you've been
doing. From now on, you either dress as a respectible young lady around
the house, or you find other living arrangements."
And
that was no empty threat - a woman raising three sons by herself doesn't
survive by being a soft touch. And I still can't afford the prices
they're asking for apartments in this area. "What will the neighbors
say?"
Ma
smiled. "I'm going to tell them that 'Dan' has finally moved out
on his own, like a real grown up, and that I've already managed to rent out his
room to a nice young lady named Maxine. Your rent will be $300 a month."
Oh,
lovely. Not only have I been dragooned into drag, like one of those pervo
stories on the net, but I'm paying rent now.
I
crossed my arms. "And how am I supposed to get to work? I can't
just come in wearing a skirt and high heels, and change in the Women's Room,
y'know!"
Reyes
smiled superiorly. "Simple. We'll just park the NewsLemon where you can
get to it without being seen every morning, and you'll change in there."
I
copped a stance, and cocked an eyebrow at Reyes. "Half a mo' - what are you
getting out of this?"
Reyes
reached over and pulled my false beard off. "Believe it or not, Maxine, I
am genuinely fond of you. Besides, it won't do me any good if
'Lady Lightning' is exposed because you're still clinging onto something that died
over a month ago." With that, she handed me one of those one-size-fits-all-unless-you're-auditioning-for-Russ-Meyer
Sports Bras, and pointed me into one of the stalls.
Hoping
against hope, I said, "You do realize that I don't shave my legs."
"Good
to know. First thing - leg waxing!"
Ma
drove us to one of the malls near where we live. Nervously, I stepped out of
the car and looked at the mall, full of women buying things. I was going into
the worst place in the world, and I didn't know it.
They
bought me a sweater and a pair of 'designer' jeans. Well, Hwang Kwo of Hong
Kong is a designer, isn't he? With that, they got me into a beauty
parlor. Believe me, what they did to me in there, you don't want
to know. After a couple of hours there, with the insides of the
soft jeans feeling strange rubbing directly against my legs, we left for the
true heart of darkness - Kurtz' department store.
We
stepped into the department store, and immediately, a girl spritzed us with a
perfume. Reyes took a deep breath, and said, "I love the smell of
'Shalimar' in the morning - it smells like Victory!"
I
hoped that I was just there to carry packages and get used to the place. Instead,
they made me go in the Ladies' Dressing Room, and try on skirts and dresses and
designer jeans. They made me walk around in more variations of the same kind
of shoe than anyone could possibly need. And if you've heard that they made me
try on makeup, I am not aware of any such activity, and I wouldn't be disposed
to discuss any such activity if there was.
I
learned that Horror has a face, and you must make a friend of Horror. Either
Horror and Mortal Terror are your friends in the Misses' Department, or they
are your enemies. And they are fatal enemies when you're trying to get just
the perfect blouse to match a skirt.
They
made me buy two week's pay worth of women's clothing that I didn't really want.
And then they steered me into Victoria's Secret®.
The
Horror! The Horror!
More " Of Masks and Marvels " Coming Soon!
