MEG: My moniker is Megan and black vinyl is my fashion -- One can hardly call it tasteful when it falls so short of trashion. Now and then for some occasion I'll deck out in sable leather, Like when treating a new woman to the torments of a feather! It thrills me so to do it that I make it my vocation To take men who really need it and enact a transformation Into bimbos, maids, and hookers -- all with sorcerous precis'on -- But dodging cops ain't easy and 'twill surely end in prison!

MOM: And 'twill surely end in prison --

BILLIE: And 'twill surely end in prison --

ALL: 'Twill surely end in prison, prison, prison, prison, prison!

MOM: If I were not the silly sort and just a little dotty Folks would not keep me at arm's length and whisper that I'm potty; My loving mate is up the creek and Billy needs a father; Since I cannot rear a boy alone, Meg gave me a daughter! Don't think it for an instant that I like Bill's degradation -- But kids like him must have a spur to work for graduation! If female transformation is the only way to do it, You won't hear me complaining and I'm here to help him through it!

MEG: She's here to help him through it --

BILLIE: She's here to help me through it -- All: She's/I'm here to help him/me through it, through it, through it, through it, through it!

BILLIE: I wish I'd been so lucky as to have a stable mater -- Who'd accept a little high jinks without foaming up in lather, One who understood boys' hormones without going all ballistic And coming up with nut-case schemes for calling in a mystic! Does it make me Jack the Ripper to just crave a little action? What sort of mom would flip her lid o'er such a small

infraction?

MEG: For such a small infraction --

MOM: For such a small infraction --

All: What sort of mom would flip her lid o'er such a small infraction, 'fraction, 'fraction, 'fraction, 'fraction!

Mrs. Dunn: "Since his dad went to jail, Billy's been getting out of control! Bad grades, bad attitude, bad friends! He's going to end up in prison, just like his father!"

Meg: "Like father, like son. You should have known better than to marry a Washington lawyer, Sis."

Mrs. Dunn: "That's spilled milk, Meg. I've got problems *now*! It's so hard for a mother to handle a teenaged boy all alone!"

Meg: "Sis! You've been hinting that you've had something on your mind for a month. Why can't you just admit that you don't have what it takes to raise a growing boy and so you want me to put the "girl spell" on Billy? All you had to do was ask. Dear, have you forgotten that I'm the one who first suggested it back when he got too old for Ritalin? It will be the perfect solution to your problem. I'd love to help you out!"

#02 Make-over

Mrs. Dunn: "If we're going to change Billy into a girl, we absolutely have to make him pretty. I always hated the dumpy way I looked back in high school and I wouldn't want a child of mine to go through that."

Meg: "No problem, Sis! I can custom-design the spell. These girlie magazines we found under Billy's mattress tell us exactly what he likes. So far I've got him down for Malibu hair, Baywatch boobs, Broadway legs, Hollywood and Vine hips --"

Mrs. Dunn: "Look at the trashy clothes those models wear when they wear anything at all! Boys always seem to like that sort of bad taste. If Billy knew how much girls have to degrade themselves just to look pretty, he'd stop drooling over the Playboy Channel."

Meg: "You're just full of good ideas lately! There's a Victoria's Secret shop down at the mall! He'd look so cute in one of these outfits!"

Mrs. Dunn: "Meg, you're horrible! I don't want to be the kind of mom you find in those stories they publish on the Internet!"

Meg: "This is about character-building, isn't it? You've got to be tough with a boy after you turn him into a girl, especially at first. Anyway, it'll give Billy more incentive to work hard at school. You can tell him that when he manages to average a 'B', he can wear anything he wants."

Mrs. Dunn: "All right, that makes more sense. -- To be fair, he'll only have to dress like a loose girls until he's a B student."

Meg: "I remember the last report card you showed me! That boy sure won't be putting much strain on textile production for a long time!"

Meg: "Relax, Billy. The potion I baked into your cheesecake is simply changing you into a perky little blonde. It's also good for your asthma." Billy thinks: "I hope she's only kidding and that Aunt Psycho's really slipped me some fast-acting poison instead!"

Billie: "Okay, big joke, Auntie. You proved that could really do it! But, hey, why pick on me? Like, I never said that you couldn't. Now that you've upset my equilibrium and probably traumatized me for a lifetime, why don't you change me back? I have to go to school in the morning, and (grin) I don't have anything to wear with this face."

Meg: "That's the last thing you have to worry about, Billy."

"You're a great kidder, Aunt Meg. I just *bet* you're really going to go home and leave me here like this!

-- "Aunt Meg? For the love of Mike, I've got a date Friday night!

Meg, where are you going?!"

Mrs. Dunn: "I'm sorry, Billy, but you've brought this on yourself. Here are the ground rules: No more staying out late, no more smoking, no more keggers, no more hanging around with those creeps with the fashion problem -- and especially not with those trashy girls that you've been sneaking up to your room over the transom. But most important, if you want to be a boy again, you're going to have to work hard at your lessons and graduate! A good education is so important for anyone to get ahead in the world, Billy. If you don't hit the books, you'll just have to look forward to growing up to a be a waitress or a cleaning lady.

-- "And remember this: until you get a B-average, you're going to have to wear miniskirts and short dresses to school everyday. A short dress is our way of reminding you how short your accomplishments have been so far.

-- Well, enough scolding. You're going to need a lot of new clothes and I've always wanted to shop for a daughter. Do you want to come along to the boutique?"

Thinks Billie: "I think this is a day that can be classified as one of those where it didn't pay to get out of bed."

Mrs. Dunn calls: "Stop loitering up there, Billy, and try on some of those dresses I bought you! This is all about helping you make something of yourself. Why can't you just once make the effort to make the family proud of you?"

Thinks Billy: "My dad's doing time, Mom's a schizo, and Aunt Meg's a psychopathic dominatrix witch. This is a case study in family dysfunction! How good do I have to be?"

Thinks Billie: "How do girls do it? I've been trying to get these damned hooks into their eyes for an hour! There's a cramp in my neck and both arms. No wonder it takes women so long to get dressed!"

Mrs. Dunn: "Obviously you can't go to school as Billy Dunn anymore. I'm going to have to tell the authorities that you ran away. And then we'll explain to everyone that you're Billie Brown, my second cousin once-removed and you're living with me while your parents are in Europe." Billie: "You could be president, Mom, with a mind like that."

Mrs. Dunn: "Stop glowering, Billie. We have a wonderful opportunity to establish a much closer relationship as mother and daughter than we ever would have had as mother and son. In fact, you never seemed to be home at all, unless it was time to eat or change clothes. -- And God alone knows where you've been sleeping!"

Thinks Billie: "Hey, she's right! Our relationship is getting better already. Only a few days ago we were mother and son. Now we're down to being second-cousins once-removed. Pretty soon we're going to be total strangers!"

Thinks Billie: Mom says she enrolled me in school today as Billie Brown, one of her cousins. Big deal! If Dad would have married Mom ten minutes later, Billy Brown would have been the name on my birth certificate!

Dear Diary: Mom and me were quarreling about clothes all day. Mom thinks I should wear short dresses, at least to school, but I said no way! So Mom got flummoxed and called in Aunt Meg to arbitrate.

-- Meg was just itching to help us out, so she threw a trench coat over her work-clothes and hurried right over. She and I did some tough bargaining and we worked out an arrangement that we all can live with: Until I get on the "B" honor roll, I'm going to wear short dresses to school, and I'm also going to wear short dresses at home. But here's where I got my shot in: I made Meg agree that if I don't hassle Mom anymore about clothes, I won't have to sleep in baby-dolls at night cuddled up to Mr. Bunny!

Billie thinks: "Mom told me I had to get myself "pretty for school!" Sheesh! I don't even know what half these dopey girl-things are for! -- And I'm sure not going to ask Mom any dumb questions. That would be like asking the guy who pumps gas how to find the way back to the main highway!"

Billie: "Okay, Mom, since this fluff is too big for a hanky and you can see right through it, it must be a scarf. So where's the dress that I'm supposed to wear to school?"

Mrs. Dunn: "That *is* the dress! -- Damn it, Billie -- if you're just stalling so that you'll miss the school bus, think again. When that bus pulls up, you're going out to meet it, wearing whatever you have on your back!

"-- Hmmm, on second thought, I don't think red is a good color for a first impression. Put on the white one with the little flowers instead, darling."

Thinks Billie: "Oh, major anxiety! In the worst nightmare I ever had I went to school without putting my pants on and didn't realize it until it was too late! -- And even that wasn't as bad as this!"

Billie thinks: "This is horrible! I feel like everyone's staring at me behind my back -- even those library geeks on the stoop back there! Well, why not? Nothing interesting ever happens in this boring town -- unless it happens to me!"

Dear Diary: I was being super-careful not to humiliate myself too badly during my first day at school as a girl, so during my free hour I was keeping out of sight in the stage room. Suddenly Mrs. Peach and the whole drama class suddenly piled in. It was too late to light out without being seen, so I just sat there and chirped "Hi!" But then the old bat came over to me and said:

--"You're new in our school, aren't you, young lady? Well, this your first lesson: If you absolutely have to dress and comport yourself like a White House intern, keep your knees together. And here's the second lesson: It's far better for a girl in a short skirt to take a position that allows people to look up *to* her -- not one that lets them look up *at* her.

Mrs. Dunn thinks: "I know in my heart that I'm only using miniskirt discipline to motivate Billy to be a better person and a better student. My only problem is that I feel so guilty about having the time of my life while he's building his character!"

One more guilty secret is out! Yes, I'm, a fan of Gilbert and Sullivan.

My parody of a G&S patter song introduces THE ADVENTURES OF BILLIE BROWN. Hopefully Billy will be well-received since I'm readying two more series of Billie images for the near future. The next installment, which I hope to submit next month, is "BILLIE BROWN'S HALLOWEEN PARTY."

Basically, BILLIE is a satire of man of the common motifs, if not to say cliches, which are to be found in some types of TG fan fiction. What is BILLIE? Well, think of it as a kind of TG sit-com with super-cheap production values. But like many a sit-com, sometimes there may be reason and opportunity to present serio-comic ideas instead of trying for yucks. Or maybe not.

The captioned pictures in BILLIE are not meant to represent a coherent a story (though to some degree the flow of the story can be understood, if sketchily). They are intended to stand alone as individual images. Comprehension should be no problem once the nature and origin of Billie's plight is known to the reader.

BILLIE is graphics-heavy; in fact, the graphics are the most important feature. There are shortcomings, inconsistencies, and flaws in our images, but they were all thrown together pretty quickly. I never used a photo retouch program at all until last spring, so my work will have technical shortcomings. Each picture presented here is to a greater or lesser degree a composite using elements from different sources. (This will often be obvious, alas.) We think that the construction of each scene by design makes the total effect more "real" than if we were simply re-captioning pre-existing stills in whatever form they were found.

It is a matter of uniqueness.

When first addressing the project, I thought that I could use many different faces to represent the continuing characters. I found that I could not. My own suspension of disbelief could not be stretched so far. I also decided that I could not use randomly acquired backgrounds to represent the rooms of the Dunn house. That meant a lot of scrounging around for images, and doing so added some delay and difficulty. I spent many hours merely constructing (or locating) multiple views of what should be the same room. (In the course of this labor I learned that even magazines of house design rarely have more than two shots taken in the same room, which is hardly adequate for the needs of a graphic series.)

Anyway, we hope that Billie will make some friends. If anyone has suggestions for new Billie Brown jokes, e-mail me at CDL25@usa.net with your suggestions. But, please, don't gross me out. Billie is conceptually PG. I think we all will like her better that way.

Christopher Leeson