Synopsis: Teenaged Billy Dunn has gotten too rambunctious for his high-strung mother to cope with. Worse, she's afraid that he's about to drop out of high school. This state of affairs persuades Mrs. Dunn that the only way to keep Billy from making a foolish mistake is to allow her weird, spell-casting sister Meg to magically transform him into a girl, whom she presents as her cousin, Billie Brown. Billie must remain in female shape until she gets her high school diploma.

01 Playboy Pictures

MRS. DUNN: "Billie, look all these Playboy pictures! You've got to take them down! Think how embarrassed you'll be if any of our party guests should see them."

BILLIE: "Anybody who pokes his head into my room is the one who ought to be embarrassed. It's not like I'm going to be inviting any of your dorky friends into my room."

MRS. DUNN: "If you don't care about our friends, at least think about the poor girls in these magazines who have to use their bodies to get ahead. I really thought that being a girl would help you relate better to other people's feelings."

BILLIE: "Mom, when you talk about other people's feelings I get the image of Genghis Khan talking about superpower disarmament."

#02 As God Intended

DEAR DIARY: Mom keeps saying that Playboy pictures are degrading to women and wants me to burn my collection. Over my dead body! Some of these pictures are almost as old as she is! I told her to chill out, that if God didn't intend for women to be degraded, he wouldn't have invented T and A. -- Well, maybe that was the wrong zinger, considering that the Halloween party was coming up!

#03 The Best of Three

THINKS BILLIE: "When it comes to arguing with Mom, it's not smart to push her too far. She's such a wuss that she's bound to over-react and call in Aunt Meg -- and that puts me at ground zero for a nuclear strike!

"-- So now we made a deal that I can keep my collectibles if she gets to pick the costume I'll wear to the Halloween party. She gave me three choices, actually, but both the Hillary Clinton and Princess Di outfits were non-starters! Hey, a guy has his pride after all!"

#04 What a Gal Pal

THINKS BILLIE: "Uhhhhh, panic attack! I promised to show up in this costume to save my Playboy collection from the mad arsonist, but I never said how long I'd hang around in plain sight. Mom can't accuse me of welshing if I just go get myself a Pepsi, hang around the food for a couple minutes, and then disappear for the rest of the night!"

RITA: "What an outfit, Billie! You're going to have guys buzzing around you like bees over spilled apple juice! Now, remember what you promised: -- When you pick up more stud muffins than you can eat, you'll send the leftovers my way!"

THINKS BILLIE: "Eat? My name's Billy, not Monica!"

#05 Work Clothes

THINKS BILLIE: "I don't know why Mom insisted that I had to come to the party in a costume. After all, she didn't kick when Aunt Meg showed up in her work clothes!"

#06 Trick or Treat

THINKS BILLIE: "I only intended to make a two-minute appearance downstairs, but then Mom roped me in to helping her with the trick or treaters!

"-- Hmmm, Mom's really hamming it up tonight, but the spookiest thing about her, though, is the way she never cracks a smile, not even when having fun!"

"-- Damn! I wish the cars wouldn't honk their horns at me when they drive past the block!

"-- Hey, I've seen that red convertible go by about ten times already!"

#07 What Bunny?

KATIE: "What bunny are you supposed to be, Billie!"

BILLIE: "Can't you tell, kid? I'm the Easter Bunny."

KATIE: "No you're not! The Easter Bunny is a boy bunny!"

BILLIE: "That's how much you know! Remember that story about how the Wicked Witch in Black Vinyl changed the old E.B. into a girl bunny?"

MIKEY: "No she didn't! That never happened! That's a silly story!"

BILLIE: "Oh, yeh, squirt? One of Aunt Meg's cheesecakes could make you believe in magic!"

#08 The Smile on the Face of the Tiger

THINKS BILLIE: "It's good to see that Seymour is getting out for a little fun these days.

"-- Hmmm, except for the fact that neither one of them is playing with a full deck, I've always thought that Mom and Aunt Meg were total opposites as sisters. Mom smiles about once a year, but Meg's always got that big 'I'm going to eat you, yum-yum' smile on her ugly map. When I was a kid it always made me want to hide in the closet! These days I wouldn't settle for less than a bank vault!"

#09 Overflow

JESSE: "I'm on fire, Billie! Ever since you showed up at school last month I've been fantasizing about you traipsing around in a sexy outfit like that. Why don't me and you go and find ourselves an Oval Office somewhere?!"

THINKS BILLIE: "This must be the overflow that Rita was talking about. I just hope a girl her size can wrestle down the big lug down while he's still smoking!"

#10 Envy

TRINA: "Billie, I envy you! Your cousin is such a great person! She lets you express the wild woman you really are deep inside! This mermaid costume that Mom picked out for me won't even let me show off my legs. In fact, I can hardly walk!"

THINKS BILLIE: "It's a good thing that Trina's body would pass muster with the FDA, because if her brain was ground water it would be posted by the EPA."

#11 Another Proposition

MRS. DUNN: "Billie, Mrs. Foster would like to talk to you."

BILLIE: "Oh, hi, Mrs. Foster. If this is about the soaped windows --"

MRS FOSTER: "No, Billie, it's about what I've been hearing the kids say about you."

BILLIE: "I didn't do it!"

MRS. FOSTER: "All the children in the neighborhood like you very much. That includes my little girl Amy, here.

BILLIE: "Oh, yeh, sure -- the midget from next door. Hi ya, shorty.

"-- Really, Mrs. Foster, the only thing that Amy likes about me is the way I do flips when I roller-blade past your house."

Amy: "I'm not a midget! I'm a little kid, you dumb bunny!"

MRS. FOSTER: "Hush, pumpkin.

"-- Billie, I was wondering if you'd like to earn some money after school."

BILLIE: "That depends. Is everything on the up and up? You're not one of Aunt Meg's friends, are you?"

MRS. DUNN: "Billie!"

MRS. FOSTER: "I'd like you to baby-sit Amy and the other kids once in a while. I can pay five dollars per hour."

THINKS BILLIE: "Whoa! That much wampum just for sitting around a living room, eating popcorn, and watching Sylvester Stallone movies on the VCR? Go for it! It'll be good preparation for a career as a professional bodyguard."

#12 The Monster Masher

THINKS BILLIE: "The girls warned me that some flipped-out guy crashed the party looking for barely-legals! The chicks were so grossed out that they forgot to tell me what he's made-up to look like. All Rita said before she ran off like Paul Revere was that the jerk was acting just like the guy he was impersonating.

"-- Hmm. I wonder if it's that Dracula that I saw sucking cherry juice all night, or the Freddy Krueger, or the Jack the Ripper? Well, I don't care! If any creep wearing a mask starts to groping this bod, I'm going to knock out his tonsils -- by way of his back door!"

#13 A Grim Thought

THINKS BILLIE: "That dweeb in the Grim Reaper suit's just given me a terrific idea about how to get even with Mom and Aunt Meg.

"-- Actually, he gave me two different ideas, but I'd better stick with the G-rated one, unless I want to risk capital punishment!"

"-- Hmmm, even over here in the corner, I still get the funniest feeling that someone is staring at me!"

#14 A Halloween Story

THINKS BILLIE: "I'm surrounded by mental cases! I fed them a rumor that Mom and Aunt Meg murdered Billy Dunn and buried his body under the foundations of the new Sears Building before they poured the cement. I figured that if a whispering campaign got started, everybody would start treating them like criminals, and they'd have to bring me back as Billy just to clear their names. Instead, these ditzes only supposed that I was razing them with a hokey Halloween story!"

ROGER: "I don't think Billy was murdered, B. He's probably running from the law and his mom is too ashamed to admit it!

TRINA: "He's probably getting stoned out of his mind every night and sleeping in a flophouse somewhere!"

NASH: "Nah, Billy's a doer. He probably joined the mob and I bet he's working as a Detroit hit-man by now!

BILLIE: "Hey, what's all this bash-Billy crap? I thought you guys were his friends. Doesn't anybody miss him?"

MARTIN: "I sure miss him! I always loved to watch him turn purple whenever people kidded him about his old man in Leavenworth!"

THINKS BILLIE: "Now I remember why I wanted to drop out of school!"

#15 Perfect Picture

DEAR DIARY: I only intended to stay downstairs for a little while, but one thing led to another and, before I knew it, it was midnight and the guests were starting to go home. That's when I saw Aunt Meg prowling around with a camera and decided that it would be smart to make myself scarce. When I made it to the stairs, I saw that Trina was in a serious jam. The zipper on her mermaid tail got stuck and so she couldn't climb the steps to the guest bathroom. I couldn't resist stopping to give her a hard time. I was thinking that if I only had a camera she'd never be able to live it down!

-- Just then Meg popped up and snapped that picture of Trina the Mermaid that I wanted so badly. Unfortunately, I was in it, too! Well, it could have been a lot worse. At least she didn't get a picture of that stupid Bunny tail! Having a historical record of a disaster like that would have been just too much!"

#16 The End of the Tail

MRS. DUNN: "Oh, Billie, come in here and see what Aunt Meg sent us!"

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BILLIE'S HALLOWEEN
( to the Adam's Family Theme )

In the last days of October,
When the geese are circling over,
Pumpkin pie browns in the stove for
Ms Dunn's Halloween!

Mom'ss looking sharp in sable,
She sets a scrumptious table;
Devour all you're able,
This jolly Halloween!

Nice spice

No price

Mom had a fight with Billie
Over something rather silly;
'Twas settled willy-nilly
On the night of Halloween!

To save her proud collection
Billie made a grim election
And agreed to Mom's selection
Of her suit for Halloween!

Laced waist

Bad taste

Meg brings her maid in tether,
Like always, she's in leather;
The less that's said the better v 'Bout Aunt Meg's Halloween!

Billie dresses as a rabbit,
Tho' she'd rather wear a habit,
Or the robes of the Black Sabbath,
For this Halloween!

Ears, leers

From peers

Of all the garb she might wear,
That ruby suit's a nightmare;
Mom's out to get her, I'd swear,
At this year's Halloween!

Come on, you fellows, _ecce_
B's getup's tight and sexy,
'Twill give you apoplexy Recalling Halloween!

Sweet, neat

Petite

So pour yourself a toddy,
Ogle a costume naughty,
Obsess upon that body
, Until next Halloween!

Here comes the trick or treaters;
Billie pours the pop by liters,
But she's drawing honks from speeders
Driving by this Halloween!

Eats, treats

The streets

There's a prowler who is skanky
And he's out for hanky-panky,
Making all the young girls cranky,
Enjoying Halloween!

So Billie takes a pool cue
And gives that creep the one-two,
Does everything she can do,
Defending Halloween!

Rough, tough

Rebuff

Once she's bashed that bum she's beaming
And with confidence she's teeming,
So she sets her mind to scheming
Sweet revenge for Halloween!

Billie whispers, "There was murder!"
But it's like no one has heard her;
There's no use to push it further,
'Least not this Halloween!

Wry, sly

White lie

Though our good friend Quasimodo
Took a shot of Mr. Moto,
Billie's dodging every photo
Of her tail on Halloween!

Now comes the stroke of midnight;
Our party's done, or not quite,
When Billie's drops from plain sight
At the end of Halloween!

Cute suit

A beaut

But Meg's a lass to have fun,
And firmly vows to snap one;
And when she does we're all done
With Billie's Halloween!

END