No Obligation

By Randalynn

Part 12

"Crime and Punishment"

"The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock
to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its
own weight. They had thought with some reason that there
is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labor."
-- Albert Camus

 
"Capital punishment is our society's recognition
of the sanctity of human life.” -- Orrin Hatch, U.S. Senator

 

When the numbness wore off, my reaction surprised everyone in the room. Including me.

I laughed.

Leander watched me with her head slightly cocked, her eyes unsure but with a tentative smile playing across her lips. She didn't know why I was laughing, but I was pretty sure she knew she wouldn't like the answer if she asked. Heather kept looking at us both, worried about how Leander would react and wondering what I might do next.

That made two of us.

Eventually, the laughter faded, leaving me with a smile on my face that just wouldn't go away. I looked down at Leander, perched delicately on the edge of my hospital bed, then folded my arms under my breasts and sighed.

"Tell me, 'girlfriend,'" I said softly. "What made you think I would say yes to an offer like that? Yesterday, you wanted me dead. Now, suddenly you want to be my best friend?" I snorted. "Hell, you’re almost as dangerous to me as the thing I’m hunting. Why I would want you as an ally?"

"Because I would be a valuable asset," she replied, her smile growing. “You saw me yesterday. You saw what I can do. When I'm not being 'interfered with' by your Arbiters, I am a gifted and powerful mage. Wouldn't you like someone with my abilities on your side? To ... watch your back?" She passed her hands down in front of her body. "Look, I even dressed in native garb, to impress you with my sincere desire to ... be one of the girls. These shoes are a significant penance all by themselves!"

I shook my head. "Sorry, hon. The only reason I can think of for you to want to watch my back is so you can figure out which ribs your knife should slide through to reach my heart. You tried to kill me yesterday, Leander. Despite any lingering brain damage from last night's ‘grudge match,' I’m not stupid enough to decide to trust you, just because you're wearing a little black dress."

"I never said you were stupid, hon." She crossed her legs at the knee. "The outfit was just to establish that I can change, if I choose to.” She sniffed. "Although I do disagree with some of your recent decisions, I know that even the brightest people can make a wrong choice in the heat of the moment."

"In the end, it wasn't the wrong choice ... for me. And it was hardly made in the heat of the moment." I smiled at Leander, showing teeth in a manner more suited to a wolf than a girl. Heather looked confused, and rightly so, since she had no idea what we were talking about. She thought we were still discussing my fight with her father. But Leander knew my history -- and was talking about an earlier choice that really was no choice at all, for me.

Still, I caught Heather's eye and let my smile become real, just for her. She gave me a small smile in return. I turned back to Leander.

"Nevertheless, an offer is on the table. You want to join me." Leander nodded, slightly smug. I let my smile fade. "Why?"

It was her turn to look confused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, why do you want to be on my side? Whatever I'm facing here, it's big. And powerful. It has ripped reality to shreds and sewn the tatters back together at least five times, maybe more -- and apparently without breaking a sweat. Moving past your previous desire to kill me or the question of why I should trust you -- for the moment -- why should you even consider throwing your lot in with me against something like this?"

She stood up and turned towards the window. "Isn't it enough that I want to fight beside you, whatever the odds?" Her voice was cold, and oddly distant. "Isn't it enough that I willingly accept the risk?"

"No."

"Why? Why isn't it enough?" A hint of frustration crept into her voice. Leander hugged herself, and turned further away. I sighed, and spoke to her back.

"Because everything I know about you tells me you're a bad risk," I replied. "The things you did hundreds of years ago forced the Arbiters to take action against you -- unprecedented, as far as I know. The Omnipresence doesn't like doing direct intervention, or so I'm told. So you must have been exceptionally cruel for the Universe to take such special notice. Not the sort of person you can count on to stick by you in a fight, no matter what she says."

She turned back to face me, and her anger made her tremble. "I keep my word, Advocate," she snapped. "No matter what I was ... what I did ... what I am ... I have my honor. I have always kept my promises. So if I say I will fight beside you, I will. And die if I must, although this life I have been trapped into is not such a great loss that I will mourn its passing."

"But why?" I stared into her eyes, my confusion evident. "Why fight beside me?”

“Why! Why, why, why!” Leander’s hands became fists, her frustration evident. “Why is this so important to you, to know why?”

“Because I know what my motives are," I snapped, letting my own frustration out to play. I was sick of having to think on my feet, and having to explain myself over and over. "I know why Heather wants to help, and I trust her. But you? You're a mystery to me. Almost as much a mystery as whatever this thing is I’m fighting. I need to know why you want to get involved, because it will help me know you better.”

Leander stared at me, without understanding. I sighed. “I need to know if you'll stay the distance when things get tough. You say you'll keep your promises, but I need to know if your word is good. In other words, I need to know ... well, who you are, so I know if I can trust you. And that starts with knowing why. Or this negotiation ends here."

She looked down at her hands. "You would dismiss my offer so quickly, just for not answering a simple question?"

I shook my head. "I haven't decided anything, either way. Since you haven't given me an answer yet, I can't say yes or no. But if I don't get an answer soon, it'll be 'no' by default." Leander stayed silent, and I shrugged. "Look, we both agreed I'm not stupid. I don't think you are, either. Right now, you know you're exactly where the Universe wants you to be. To get anyone to agree to let you help me, I would have to sell this idea to the folks who set this punishment up, and they seem to be very happy with the way things are. I would have to put myself on the line for you ... and I might be willing to do that."

Heather's eyes widened, and Leander raised her head, surprised. Truth be told, I was a little surprised myself.

"But if I can't count on you to tell me the truth when I ask for it," I continued, "then I can't count on you to be there when I need you. So I ask again, for the last time ... why should I trust you?"

There was a long silence. We stared into each other's eyes, and I saw her defiance fade slowly, replaced by a resolve born of desperation, and sadness, and fear. She held my eyes with hers, and then she spoke.

"Because I know what you face, and I hate it far more than I hate the Arbiters. More than I hated ... you." Her voice held an edge so sharp, I could taste the bitterness and despair clear across the room. Heather took a step back, as if the force of the emotion itself had pushed her. "Because the Arbiters didn't do ... this ... to me, Advocate. Oh, they relished the irony and used it as part of my punishment, but I was a ... victim first. The same power that changed your friend there ... the same reality-bending nightmare that has allied itself with those girls to torment those boys. It took everything away from me, changed me from a demi-god to the powerless wife of a boorish peasant farmer ... in an instant."

Leander turned away and began to pace in her four-inch heels, arms folded tightly under her breasts as if she was hugging herself.

"Always anxious to please him, always cooking and cleaning and ... opening myself to him every night so he could ... he could ..." She shivered. "It went on for weeks. Without me to hold it together, I watched my mighty empire crumbling only a mile up the road -- watched it fall apart while my 'husband' plowed me like a field and spent himself inside me every chance he got, when I wasn't bleeding like a stuck pig. And whatever it was ... whatever did this to me ... it made me want him, whenever I was with him.”

Leander stopped and stared out the window, seeing her past. “That's how your Arbiters found me. They didn’t know how I had been brought low, but they didn't care. They just made it permanent, so it went on and on and on. Hundreds of years of servitude and rape, day after day, decade after decade ..."

Anger flashed across her aura. She turned to face me, and I could see it fill her soul.

"Yes, I did horrible things in my time," she snarled, "but I'm not sorry, because horrible things were done to me in return. I have been used and discarded for centuries -- a plaything instead of a person, deprived of even the pretense of freedom for far longer than anyone could even remember the crimes I had committed. And I will NOT 'repent,' because in the end, no one has shown me why what I did was any worse than what your Arbiters have done to me. In the end, they were no better than I was. All this punishment has done for me is given me a chance to prove I am better than their 'justice.' I have endured, and I will endure forever, and my hatred will only grow with time."

Then her eyes welled up and the tears came, rolling down her cheeks as if she didn't even notice they were there.

"You wanted to know why I want to join you? Because I cannot strike out at them. I cannot hurt them. So instead, I will kill the thing that took my life away and thrust me into this weak shell, so they could trap me in it. THAT is why I will fight at your side. And that is why you will trust me. Because you will know, more than anything else, that I want this thing dead. And I will not stop until it is destroyed. Or I am."

She shook all over, her body torn between anger and despair. Despite everything that had happened yesterday, and all that I knew of her past -- I felt for her. I had to fight hard to stay where I was. I wanted to go to her, to try and comfort her. To make it all better, somehow. I felt strangely angry, as if her confession had stirred something in me, but I didn't know where it was coming from or why. I reached out a hand --

"Becca!"

I turned toward the urgent whisper, and saw Heather standing just inside the doorway to the room. "It's your Mom! She's here!"

I turned back to Leander, but she had gone. Nothing but the lingering scent of her perfume remained ... and the nagging feeling of unfinished business.

I still hadn't given her an answer.

###

Carolyn walked through the doorway and stopped. She stood there in jeans and a button down blouse, her hair loose around her shoulders, and her face looked as if she had aged ten years since we spoke the night before. Her eyes searched my face, wandering up to where my injury had been, and I saw her lip start to quiver. Mine began to shake as well, and I ran to her and wrapped my arms around her as we both started to cry.

"Oh, God, you're all right," she whispered through the tears. "The doctors said ... but I was so worried, Becca, so very worried."

"Mommy, I'm so sorry," I sobbed, "I didn't mean ... I didn't want ... I'm so sorry!"

"I know, baby," she replied softly, squeezing me gently. "I'm sorry, too." We just held each other for a while, until the crying tapered off, then she pulled back a little. "We need to talk about what happened last night, Becca, as a family. But not here." Carolyn handed me a plastic bag full of clothes. "Get dressed, honey. We're going home."

She noticed Heather standing uncomfortably by the door, then smiled and held out her hand. When Heather reached out and took it, Carolyn pulled the girl into our hug and kissed her forehead. "All of us, going home."

Then Heather started crying happy tears, and Mom and I lost it again.

###

The bag held simple stuff -- a fresh bra and matching panties, a pale blue scoop neck tee, a short denim skirt, and low sandals with a denim strap. When I saw what she had brought, I squealed, gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, and practically ran into the bathroom to change.

If I never saw another hospital gown again, it would be too soon.

When I came out, hair brushed and freshly made up, Jeremy and Emma were waiting, along with my friend Cassie the nurse, standing behind a wheelchair. She was telling Carolyn about my volunteering to entertain the sick children. Jeremy had his arm around Heather, pressing her body into his. Judging by the look on her face, Heather seemed quite happy to be held.

Emma, on the other hand, was still quiet, and avoided looking at me when I came out. I sighed, went over, and kneeled at her feet. She looked down in spite of herself.

"Becca, what are you doing?" Her voice trembled a little.

"Begging your forgiveness," I replied, eyes down. "You deserve an apology. I am so sorry I scared you, Emma. I really am. I didn't mean for any of it to happen, but it did, and it was my fault. I was stupid, and I scared you, and I scared Mom, and I am really, really sorry. Please don't be mad at me anymore. I don’t think I could take it if you were."

"You scared me, too, sis," Jeremy piped up across the room, "but I forgave you already 'cause you saved my girl." Heather gave him a mock punch in the ribs as she smiled, and he lifted her chin and brushed her lips softly with his while Mom pretended not to notice. I stayed right where I was, just waiting, and finally Emma fell to her knees in front of me and gave me a hug.

"I can't stay mad at you, Becca," she said softly. "You're my sister and I love you, no matter how stupid you are sometimes. But don't you dare do that to me again, 'kay? If I lost you, I'd ..." She just stopped.

I pressed myself into her, hugging her back. "I'll try, sis, I swear."

Emma smiled. "That's the best I'm going to get, huh?" I nodded, and she laughed and hugged me again. "I guess it'll have to do."

"Ms. Barnes," Cassie announced, "your chariot awaits. So climb aboard and get the heck out of here before someone notices the 'miracle girl' is checking out."

"'Miracle girl?'" Mom looked at Cassie, and she shrugged.

"Some of the interns started calling her that, and it stuck. They keep playing the video down in the ER every time a new shift starts. Your daughter here can really move. And the fact she's still okay makes them gasp. I'm surprised you haven't seen a line of tourists outside your door, peeking in to see the girl wonder."

"I'm not." Everyone turned to see a tall man in a white lab coat filling the doorway. His hair was black but graying at the temples, and he had the sort of aging good looks that would have melted middle-aged hearts everywhere -- if his face hadn't been set with an expression of perpetual arrogance that would have sent any sensible woman running for cover.

He walked into the room. "When I saw what was happening, I confiscated the tape and told everyone on staff that any person I see in this room without a damned good reason to be here will be fired. No one is turning my hospital into a freak show."

Just then I recognized the voice ... and the attitude.

"Hello, Dr. Samuels."

The doctor cocked his head at me, and his eyes narrowed. "Do I know you, young lady?"

I stared right back at him, and kept my voice level. "I'm the 'freak,' sir. Rebecca Barnes. The 'medical miracle' you told your students about this morning. You said I was 'damned lucky' I wasn't in a drawer in the basement."

"Hmmm. You were awake for all that?"

"Yes, sir, I was."

"Good. Then you understand how close you were to not being awake at all, ever. Next time, maybe you'll pick on someone your own size." Samuels raised his head and flicked his fingers at Cassie and my family. "Shoo, all of you. Ms. Barnes isn't getting out of here without a final medical exam, and I don't need an audience."

Mom spoke up, her tone clipped. "You're having one anyway. Kids, go wait out in the hall."

"You too, 'Mom.'" Samuels looked down at her.

"I don't think so." I could see her set her jaw, and smiled. This was going to be fun.

"It's not your call," he said curtly. "I'm the doctor. I make the rules here. And I say you go."

Carolyn looked up at him, and caught his eyes with hers. "And I'm the parent. She's thirteen years old and I am legally entitled to be here. I'm also a very good attorney in need of a hobby. So if you keep me away from my daughter while you examine her, you'll find out how much trouble this 'Mom' can be for you, your hospital, and your insurance rates. I stay ... or you pay."

Mom stayed.

###

For all of the build-up, the examination itself was nothing much. The swelling had gone down to nearly nothing, and the bruise had become a slight discoloration, easily hidden by an artful application of cosmetics. Without looking at Carolyn again, the doctor pronounced me fit to leave.

As he turned to go, he took something from the pocket of his lab coat. It was the copy of the video from last night.

"Here." Samuels tossed it to me. "Take that with you. The next time you want to go one-on-one with a grown man, stick it in the VCR and remember what happened the last time. You were lucky ... once. If you stay lucky, or get smart, I won't be seeing you again."

Without another word, he turned on his heel and strode purposefully from the room.

###

Home was ... home. After the past two days, it seemed alien somehow, as if it should be flashing in neon colors or shimmering like a ghost instead of sitting there, all warm and safe and happy-looking as dusk crept over the landscape.

My room was my room, although there was a second bed above mine, and some of Heather's things were stacked in piles here and there. Apparently she and Mom had visited her house with a police officer in attendance and taken what they could carry. We stood in the center of the mess and surveyed the damage.

"There's room in the closet for your clothes, and I suppose I can clear a few drawers in the dresser," I mused. "I know there's stuff in there I haven't worn since sixth grade."

"Probably won't fit now," Heather said with a grin. "With you getting all ... curvy and bouncy and everything."

I gave her a shove. "Well, you can talk. You practically 'blossomed' overnight."

She giggled and shoved me back, and I fell onto the lower bed as she started tickling me. I wriggled desperately, trying hard to get away from those fingers of doom.

"H.....h.....Heather, don't!" I pleaded through the laughter. She shook her head.

"Oh, the mighty Becca, laid low by my magic fingers!"

I reached out with my own fingers and tickled her, and she immediately shrieked and collapsed with a startled look on her face.

"I ... I'm not ... I'm not ticklish!!" She squealed, and I laughed.

"You are now, 'sis!'" I tickled her harder. "Do you give?"

"I give, I give!" Heather collapsed on the floor, her skirt halfway up her legs, breathing heavily.

Mom appeared in the doorway.

"Girls, I'm ordering pizza tonight," she said, phone in hand, apparently trying hard to ignore the spectacle of two teens behaving like six-year-olds. "Any requests for toppings?"

Both Heather and I shook our heads. Jeremy popped his head out of his door.

"Anchovies?"

In unison, Heather and I shouted, "Oh, God, NO!" Then we looked at each other and started giggling again.

Jeremy made a mock frown. "Oh, I can see how things are going to go around here from now on! And I thought Emma and Becca were bad enough!" He grinned, pulled back into his room and shut the door.

Carolyn looked at the two of us on the floor, still laughing, and said, "I'll just order a few different pies. And we still have a family meeting tonight to discuss what happened yesterday, Becca. Don't forget."

That sobered me up instantly. "Yes, Mom."

She closed the door behind her, and Heather looked at me.

"She's been so quiet since yesterday, Becca," she said softly, falling back onto her back and staring at the ceiling. "I've been with her a lot, but I just don't know what she's thinking."

I sat up and looked down at her. "Don't worry about it, hon," I replied, "I've never known what she's thinking," Then I thought a bit, and smiled. "Well, almost never. But it's all right. I did what I did to keep you safe, and I'll do what I need to do to make things right with Mom again. Whatever it takes."

"You're awfully calm about it."

I shrugged. "I'm guilty. She's right. I have to be punished because I disobeyed. And as a wise black Jewish man once said, 'Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.'" She cocked her head, and I sighed. "Sammy Davis, Jr., singing the theme from the T.V show 'Baretta.' I take my pearls of wisdom where I can find them, sis."

It was quiet for a while, then Heather spoke.

"What will you do about Leander?" Her tone was tentative, as if she wasn't sure she should even be bringing the topic up. "Isn't that ... doing the time for doing the crime?"

"I'm not sure," I said. "Part of me wants to leave her where she is. I have enough to worry about without adding her issues to the mix. But part of me ... honestly, Heather, there's something in me that says I need to take her in. Something in me says her punishment is wrong, and I have a chance to make it right." I shook my head. "Is it my need to try and help everybody? Are my instincts telling me something about Leander? Or is it just a good tactical decision?"

She looked sideways at me from the floor. "You sure use a lot of big words for a thirteen-year-old."

I picked up a book. "It's called 'reading,' girl. I'm addicted. You should try it sometime." I dropped it on her stomach, and she gave a ooof before picking it up and looking at the cover.

"Stranger in a Strange Land?"

"By Robert A. Heinlein, yes."

"That's science fiction!" I nodded, and she groaned. "Oh my god, my new sister is a geek!"

Apparently, the groan carried, because the door swung open and Emma stood there, smiling.

"Yes, she is," she said happily. "It's best that you know now, Heather. She caught it from our dad. It's incurable, too."

"How can I help her?" Heather wailed, closing her eyes tight and shaking her head from side to die in mock denial. "Oh, what can I do?"

"Learn to 'grok Spock?'" I smiled.

"Noooooo! A Trekkie, too?"

"Yes, but not evangelical." I picked the book up and riffled the pages at her. "And we prefer Trekker. Besides, I think you've got some geek girl in you too. After all, weren't you watching Firefly with Jeremy last night?"

She shook her head violently. "Oh, no! He was watching Firefly. I was just watching him."

"More than watching, I think," Emma said. Heather blushed.

"Well, be prepared to do a lot of that, sis," I smiled down at her. "Jeremy's as much a geek as I am."

"He is?" I nodded. Heather thought about it a few seconds, then grinned.

"Then for our love, I must submit," she said dramatically with a glint in her eye. "For him, I will boldly go where I have never gone before. I will embrace ... my inner geek." She rolled her eyes, threw one arm over her eyes, and sighed. "Oh, the things we do for our men!"

Laughing, I hit her with a pillow, and after the third swat, Emma joined in.

###

After the impromptu pillow fight, I escaped to the bathroom for a much needed stop. After I had finished, I went over to the sink to wash my hands and smiled when I caught a glimpse of the new me in the mirror. In spite of everything that had happened, I had to smile when I saw the girl I had become. I hoped I would never lose the warm glow that came from seeing and feeling and being what I always knew I was, inside.

I turned sideways to check out the curve of my breasts against the tee shirt, but my reflection did not turn with me. Instead, the mirror me put a finger to her lips and spoke.

I heard her voice inside my head. Leander deserved the punishment he received, Becca, it said sternly.

The Arbiters.

No, I thought back fiercely. Since hearing Leander's story, I had been angry without knowing why. Suddenly, everything came together, and I knew what had been bothering me since Leander's confession. You're wrong, all of you. He deserved better.

The mirror Becca looked astonished. He used his magic to take what he wished, who he wished. He raised false emotions in others, changed love into hate, turned neighbors against each other. He destroyed couples, families ... entire villages! He nearly drove an entire continent into war! When we found that he had become a she, we thought extending that sentence was appropriate – taking her from power to powerlessness forever. What would you have had us do?

Find a way to redeem her, I replied. Punish her in a way that would have gone beyond punishment, to teach her why what she did was wrong and give her a chance to reform. Give her a sentence that would make her become something ... better. By turning her into a slave forever, all you've done is made certain she will never change.

She would never have changed. The Becca in the mirror looked smug.

I shook my head. You don't know that. Five hundred years ago, you assumed she was a lost cause, and treated her that way. You trapped her in a woman-shaped box for all eternity and forced her to be a toy ... and you thought somehow that would make it all better?

It wasn't supposed to make anything better! My reflection put its hands on its hips, angry at being challenged. It was a punishment! She was evil!

Of course she was, but she didn't have to stay that way! People change! I mentally growled. Why can't you see what you've done?

I thought furiously, trying to find a way to show them their error, when a stray thought brought me up short.

Your prime responsibility has always been to punish magical creatures who have sworn and broken oaths? I asked.

The mirror me looked at me oddly for a moment, then nodded. Or have transgressed explicitly against restrictions implicit to their existence and place in Creation.

I spoke carefully. Was Leander the first human you ever punished?

Her eyes narrowed. Yes. What does that have to do with anything?

Quite a lot, I said, finally on solid ground. Every entity you punished before was a magical creature. They were immortal and predatory and set in their ways. And because you knew they would never change, you found ways to torture them forever, in prisons they could never leave.

I leaned forward on the sink and stared into my own eyes reflected. But what makes us humans different is our ability to change. We can be better than we are, if given a chance. You've taken that chance away, and left her nothing but hate to feed on. You have wasted a soul with a soulless punishment.

I shook my head. I should have expected this from our earlier conversations. You're smart and powerful, but you don't really understand people at all. With faith and a little wisdom, you can help anyone change. You've just been watching humanity screw up for so many millennia, you don't believe we have it in us. That's what you've been telling me since we first met. You don't think we can be better. And that's just wrong.

I could see the mirror me becoming angry. We're wrong? You continue to insist humanity is better than it is, despite all the evidence to the contrary. What does that make you?

The Advocate, I replied. Chosen to stand up for all humans wronged by magical beings ... like you. After what you've done, I'd say Leander qualifies. And as for humanity ... well, if we're worth so little, why does the Omnipresence care so much ... about us?

My reflection looked shocked, then the image jumped suddenly and went back to being just a reflection. There was a knock on the door.

"Becca?" Emma sounded concerned. "The pizza is here. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, sis," I replied. "Be right out."

###

Dinner was calm and happy, in spite of the upcoming family meeting. I only had two slices, since Becca's appetite was far less than Jack's had ever been. I was glad of it – if I ate like Jack did in this body, I knew I'd look like the Staypuft Marshmallow girl by Thanksgiving. I noticed Heather eyeing a third slice, but I saw her glance at Jeremy and decide against it.

She's only been a girl two days and already she's watching her figure. I smiled to myself. Or maybe she just knows that Jeremy is watching it, and likes what he sees.

Everyone seemed happy I was home and relatively unharmed, but I noticed things becoming quieter as we approached the end of the meal. I remembered how family meetings used to work, back when I was Jack. Carolyn had come up with a sort of "people's court," where the rules were clearly understood and everyone usually agreed with the decisions made there. She and I were the judges, and it was all very formal, very correct, and very fair. I knew it was necessary to keep the family whole and at peace, but I had never been on the receiving end of one of these courts martial before. I wasn't looking forward to it now.

Finally, Carolyn took her napkin from her lap, patted her lips, and placed it on the table.

"Rebecca Jane, please stand." Her voice was carefully neutral, and I put my own napkin down and did as she said. I stood up straight, shoulders back, and eyes front. "Last night, you deliberately disobeyed me. You went to Heather's house against my express instructions, did just as you pleased, and nearly got yourself killed. It was only by an incredible stroke of luck that you avoided massive brain damage and death. You scared everyone in this house and put yourself in grave danger, even after you promised me a few hours earlier that you would be careful. Have you anything to say for yourself?"

Heather looked back and forth at us both, taking everything in with a worried look on her face.

"Ma'am, you are correct on all counts," I said formally, looking intently at nothing at all. "I did all that you said, and for that I am truly sorry. Although some good did come out of my disobedience, it does not excuse the offenses I committed, and I do not wish to excuse them. I was clearly wrong to disobey you. I am ready to face punishment."

Carolyn's eyes widened slightly. I had taken her completely by surprise. She had braced herself for a spirited defense, but here I was, admitting my guilt and throwing myself on the mercy of the court.

"You admit you were wrong?" Her voice wavered, just slightly. I nodded.

"You're my Mom," I said, my voice catching slightly. "All you wanted to do was keep me safe. It was disrespectful to ignore your fear and concern, and cruel to put myself in danger so soon after ... after you lost Dad." Suddenly, I found myself feeling Becca's pain at losing ... me! Memories of our time together before my death, remembering his hugs ... my hugs. The baseball games, the movies we shared. How was this happening?

Tears filled my eyes, but I did my best to ignore them. I couldn't handle this now. "Ma'am, I deserve any punishment you would care to name. Just ... try to remember ... I wasn't doing it to hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt any of you. I just wanted to help Heather." My lip quivered, but I stood up straighter, and kept control. "And even though it was wrong to disobey you ... I would do it again, if I had to. Because no one deserves to go through what she went through for so long if there's a way I can stop it." The tears ran down my face, but I went on. "As Dad used to say, 'The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.' How could I do nothing in the face of what I knew?"

Carolyn saw me hurting, and knew I was telling the truth. She looked down at the table for a moment, then raised her head. "Does anyone have anything to say before punishment is pronounced?"

There was a silence, then Heather began to raise her hand. I caught her eye and shook my head slightly. The hand went down.

Mom gave me a little smile and nodded. Everyone waited quietly for her decision, and after a long silence, Carolyn sighed and spoke.

"The fact that you admit you were wrong to disobey me goes a long way, Becca. But the truth is, I've thought a lot about last night, and about who did what, and I don't think I handled it well, either." She looked down at her hands. "I was very afraid for you both, and I pulled rank instead of listening to what you had to say. Maybe if we both had listened to each other, we could have run the idea past the police when they arrived, and maybe done what you wanted to do the right way -- safely, with back-up."

Mom looked back at me, and there was sadness in her eyes. "Still, you're my daughter, and what you did hurt me and scared me. A lot. I hate to admit it, but a part of me really wanted to make you suffer. It thought I should ground you for a year, or make you write 'I was incredibly stupid' a zillion times." Then she smiled, just a little, and I saw a pride shining through that no amount of pain could disguise. "But the rest of me looked a little harder at what happened last night, and saw you put yourself on the line to help a friend, because you thought it was the right thing to do."

"What you did last night shows me that you're truly your father's daughter. How could I punish you for being so much like your Dad? Part of why I fell in love with him was his devotion and loyalty to the people he loved, and his commitment to what he thought was right. I don't want you to lose that, not ever. How could I punish you for being what we raised you to be?" She shook her head, then gave me a shaky smile. "Besides, after what happened to you last night, I can't think of anything I could do that would do a better job of convincing you to be more careful than a head trauma and a near-death experience."

Carolyn reached out and took my hand, breaking the ritual of the court. I looked down at her, surprised, and she caught my eyes. "I'll do my best to listen better from now on, baby," she said softly. "Just ... you listen, too, okay? And think a little more before you tilt at windmills?"

I nodded, then slipped to my knees and rested my head on her arm in a sort of tiny hug.

"I will, Mom," I whispered back. "I promise."

###

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. Heather and I went through my drawers and the closet, looking for things to pack away or pass on to her. As the pile of my old things began to grow, she started getting ready to try some of my old outfits on. But the first time she started to undress in front of me, she turned bright red. Everywhere.

"You could change in the bathroom if you want, hon," I said with a smile. "Or just ask me to close my eyes. I can do that. Been practicing for years, honest."

"Would you mind?" Heather's voice was a trifle embarrassed and a little tentative. "I know it's your room and all –"

"No!" I shook my head vehemently. "It's our room, not mine. This is your home now, too. If you want me to close my eyes, or even leave, I will."

She blushed deeper. "I know it's stupid. I mean, we're both girls now. It shouldn't bother me so much ... should it?"

"A lot of women don't like undressing in front of other women. Sometimes it's modesty. Sometimes it's being afraid you won't look as good as the girls you're undressing in front of." I smiled, and turned toward the wall while I kept talking. "And for you, I'm pretty sure there's still a little bit of Hunter lingering in you, ashamed to let a girl see you in your underwear."

I listened to her pulling off her shirt. "But eventually, you'll have to take your clothes off in front of other girls. I've seen both friends and strangers in their underthings ... and less ... in the locker room, and when you go to P.E. for the first time as Heather, you'll see it too. And they'll see you. It's nothing to freak out about. You stripped down in the boy's locker room plenty of times to prep for gym, right?"

"Ummm ... yeah." She unzipped her skirt, and I heard it rustle as it slid down her legs to the ground. "It wasn't fun then, either."

"It's the same kind of thing, only the bodies – and the fears -- are different." I let my Becca side remember how it was for her. "Am I growing fast enough where it counts? Am I ... okay compared to everybody else? Am I too fat? Am I too skinny? As a girl, you're going to beat yourself up for not looking like a magazine cover or a T.V. star, even though you're really very pretty and Jeremy loves you very much." I sighed. "I'm afraid it comes with the territory."

"Becca?" Her voice trembled a bit, and I rolled over to face her again. Heather stood in front of me, wearing only a plain yellow bra and bikini panties with little yellow daisies all over them. I raised an eyebrow, and she smiled shyly and shrugged her shoulders, causing a minor bobbing of her chest. "I ... umm, I figured I should just get past this as quick as I can. I trust you with my life. I think I can let you see me ... almost naked."

I smiled back, truly touched. "Thank you, Heather. I know how hard this is for you, and it means a lot to me ... that you trust me this way. You know what?" She shook her head slightly. "I trust you too." I stood up and pulled my tee shirt over my head. "So I'm getting ready for bed. Why don't you try on that red dress and we'll see if we think it's a keeper?" I unhooked my bra and let it slide down my arms. "I'd love it if it looks good on you. Someone should get some more use out of that outfit than I did. I only wore it once."

Heather looked at the dress with a critical eye, my naked chest forgotten in her confusion. "But it's so pretty! Why didn't you wear it more?"

I shimmied out of my skirt and bent down to pick it up. My breasts rested briefly on my knees, and I was up again almost instantly. "Coloring, sis. I learned the hard way that fluorescent lights in department stores mess with color in the worst way, and that redheads do NOT wear that shade of red without looking feverish. But on you, I think it'll be killer."

I reached into my drawer and pulled out a dark blue nightshirt with a picture of Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Under the picture in gothic script were the words, "Scuse me, luv. Got a bite?" When Heather saw it, she giggled. I smiled back and slid the sleep shirt over my head, the graphic rising and falling across my curves.

"I'm going to go brush my teeth now, and I expect to see you in that dress when I get back, missy." I surprised her with a quick hug, and her eyes widened as our chests pressed together. I did a dancer's spin as I moved towards the door. "Be right back."

###

In the bathroom, I took off what little makeup I was wearing with some wet wipes, and started brushing my teeth. It took me a few seconds to realize that the me in the mirror wasn't following along.

The Arbiters were back.

You were right. The mirror Becca spoke silently once more, her voice heard only in my mind. Her head was bowed, her eyes cast down. Upon reflection ... she flashed a tiny smile ... we allowed our personal prejudices and lack of experience with humans to waste five hundred years of Leander's life. We are ... ashamed. We were completely clueless about the nature of the human condition, and yet we presumed to judge one, and pass sentence.

Does that mean you're having second thoughts about me? I kept brushing my teeth. Maybe I'm not the paragon you thought I was?

On the contrary, my reflection replied, looking up into my eyes. The fact that you saw our mistake so easily only reaffirms our belief that you're the right person for the job -- both the one you currently have and the new task you are about to receive.

I stopped short, toothbrush in hand. What? Oh, no no no no no. My "To Do" list is so long, I don't know how I'm going to do everything I'm responsible for now! You can't be serious.

The girl in the mirror held up a hand. We're completely serious, I assure you. This new task dovetails nicely with your current responsibilities, and will hopefully solve the 'full plate' issue simultaneously.

Besides, she said, looking down once more, it's something only you can do.

I finally rinsed and spit, then raised my head to look myself full in the face. All right, I'll bite. What exactly is it I'm supposed to do?

The Arbiter grinned my own happy grin at me through the glass. You're going to supervise the next phase of Leander's punishment, she said simply. You're going to take her on as an apprentice to help with your work, and teach her what it means to be truly human.

Then the grin became a smile, and a nod. You're going to 'redeem' her, Becca. And we're going to watch ... and learn.

© 2005-2006 as a work in progress, all rights reserved. Posted with permission of the author.

 

Sorry for another extended hiatus in the lives of Becca and company, folks. Some of my characters made a few decisions that forced me to take a little detour earlier than I had hoped, and that added to the writing time. I'll try to keep them in line in the future, and keep the story moving along. *grins, hugs* -- Randalynn

 

since 8/10/06