A Mother's Love
By slimv and Victor G.
March 2005
Part 6
Tonight has to
be absolutely perfect, thought Danny as he peeked inside the oven. Dinner has
to be perfect. My hair and makeup have to be perfect. I have to be perfect.
Olivia is perfect. I am Olivia.
The leg of lamb
roasting inside the oven sizzled at him accusingly.
This will be
the last time you’ll see Norman, you know that, don’t you?
“It won't be,”
argued Danny, “I’ll see him at school.” The grease in the drip pan reacted
angrily. Danny retaliated by sticking an instant read thermometer deep in the
lamb's shank.
But he won't
see you as Olivia.
The silence of
the lambs, thought Danny as he shut oven door and wiped the grease from the
thermometer before placing it back in the drawer.
What does dinner
know about my life, wondered Danny as he opened the oven again and peered
inside. I'll see him, he thought. I'll know it’s him but he won't know it’s
me.
That's right,
he won’t know it’s you. And you can’t tell him. Ever.
Fuck you,
thought Danny.
Eat me.
I will, thought
Danny. And so will Norman.
Are you sure
you’re cooking everything right? You’re not really a mother, you know. You’ve
only been cooking for a couple of weeks now. You might end up killing everyone
with E-coli. Your mother will come home and find you like this, dressed like a
girl, a pack of cigarettes clutched in your dead hands, lying beside your
teacher boyfriend.
“He's not my
boyfriend,” Danny said through clenched teeth as he basted the leg with pan
juices.
He closed the
oven door and took a step back. Jesus, now I’m talking to a leg of lamb. What's
next? But the lamb was right about his mother. She and her fiancé Ted were
coming home tomorrow.
Why can't she
just spend Christmas in Colorado with Ted, wondered Danny? Why does she have
to back so soon?
Because she's
your mom. She wants to spend Christmas with you.
But this is my
Christmas, and Jimmy's and Norman's too. I wanted this Christmas to be
special. They need me.
“They” need
you? Does that include Norman? I thought he wasn't your boyfriend.
“Norman is just
a friend,” argued Danny as he turned his back on the oven. He closed his eyes
and savored the aroma of roasting meat mixed with garlic and spices. It smelled
wonderful and made his mouth water, and he knew everything would be fine; he
wouldn’t screw up the lamb. He’d picked up quite a few tricks the past couple
of weeks cooking for Jimmy, and he was really starting to enjoy it. Maybe his
mother would let him fix a few meals from time to time after she got back.
“I'm taking a
break,” said Danny as he wiped his hands on a dishrag and surveyed the
kitchen. The counters were clean and the floor was swept. The place looked
good, but there was still the rest of the house to contend with. I'll get it
in a moment, he thought as he lit a cigarette and poured himself a glass of
white wine.
Jimmy walked in
as Danny was mashing the cork back into the bottle. He should have been used
to it by now, but he wasn't. Seeing Danny as Danny was fine. Seeing Danny as
his mom – or his version of her – was fine. But there was something about
seeing his friend in limbo between the two personas that confused and troubled
him.
Danny had
forgone his wig and make-up while cleaning and preparing for their last
supper. He had chosen one of Olivia’s old, comfortable UGA sweatshirts and a
pair of faded jeans from the back of her closet. They fit loosely and hung
from his youthful, unpadded body.
Jimmy didn't
question his friend's identity. The shaggy blond hair and boyish features were
enough to give him away despite the unisex clothes. Even so, Jimmy found
himself wondering where Danny ended and Olivia began. This troubled him
because Olivia should begin and end with the clothes and the make-up. That’s
all. She was just a disguise. Danny was underneath the make-up and the
clothes. Or was he?
Jimmy seldom
brought it up for fear of offending Danny, but it was true. Danny had subtly
changed over the past couple weeks. He noticed the little things, like the
feminine, graceful way Danny now moved that had become almost second nature. He
saw it when Danny took a leisurely drag from his now ever-present cigarette or
lifted a wineglass to his lips. He wondered if Danny was aware of how he
looked, even without the illusion of hair, makeup and false body curves.
“So, what are
you cooking? It smells great!” said Jimmy with genuine interest.
Danny looked up
from his wine glass. As he did, a wisp of smoke escaped his motherly smile,
mixing unevenly with his boyish voice. “I found a recipe on the Internet for
garlic-studded leg of lamb. I thought I’d make something special for you guys,
since it’s Christmas Eve.”
The expression
on Danny's face changed from sweet to sad as he took a long drag from his
cigarette. “I remember you said how much you loved your mom’s leg of lamb, so I
thought I’d try to make it for you, since… Well, you know. Carol's coming back
tomorrow and this will probably be the last chance I'll get to be your mom and
cook dinner for you.”
Jimmy wondered
if Danny called his mother “Carol” intentionally, or if it had been a
subconscious slip. He returned his friend's sad smile and patted his hand
gently.
“Hey man, it’s
okay. It’s been great having a mom again, especially during Christmas. And I'll
never forget what you did for me, I promise. Your being my mom was the best
Christmas present anyone ever gave me.”
Danny gripped
his friend’s hand tightly. He was genuinely touched by Jimmy’s words. His
friend was usually tough and defensive, leery of showing his emotions to
anyone. Those sincere words touched Danny’s heart, and tears welled up behind
his eyes.
“You’re welcome.
I’m just glad I could help,” he said, his voice choking as a tear rolled down
his cheek. He dabbed at his eyes with a paper towel and chuckled. “God, look at
me. I’m crying just like a real woman. Would you believe that? I’m glad I’m
not wearing any makeup right now ‘cause it would be a total mess.”
Jimmy laughed,
but his laughter was hollow. A deep sense of loss engulfed him as he realized
“Olivia” was leaving after tonight. Having a mother again had been wonderful –
even if it had been a pretend one. For the first time since his mom died,
Jimmy felt safe, comforted, and loved. Those feelings would be hard to give
up.
Jimmy was
selfish by nature. It was selfishness that allowed him to enjoy the company of
his departed mother's memory at his best friend's expense. Danny had gone
through a lot to make this happen. But he had enjoyed it, hadn't he? Wasn't
he always saying how neat it was to be treated like an adult? Too bad he
hadn't asked Danny to impersonate his dad.
Jimmy reflected
on the sacrifices Danny had made. Would he have been willing to do the same?
Smoking cigarettes would have been easy but it hadn't been easy for Danny. And
what of his other efforts? Danny had learned to cook and clean and to think
like a mother- a good mother. He had learned how to wear makeup and present
himself as a woman. He had even deceived an adult man into believing he was an
adult woman.
Jimmy had risked
both their reputations by setting Danny up with his teacher. Even so, Danny
prevailed and came to enjoy the teacher's attention in a way neither of them
could comprehend. Good old Norman, thought Jimmy. He's a teacher and teachers
suck, but he's a human too. He understood why Danny felt so strongly about
sparing the teacher's feelings.
The impending
break up was taking a toll on Danny. Then again, it wouldn’t be fair to call it
a break-up, since Danny was neither an adult nor a woman. But still...Norman
had been really nice to “Olivia”. And Danny had enjoyed and appreciated the
teacher's kindness and generosity, even though it seemed creepy to Jimmy.
“So, how do you
feel?” Jimmy asked, still holding Danny’s hand like a concerned son.
“About what”
asked Danny as he took a dismissive drag from his cigarette?
“Don't play
dumb. I'm talking about this being your last night with Norman as my mom.
After tonight, it’s back to school and being your self. He'll be the teacher
and you'll be the student. He's not going to know you anymore. Whatever weird
thing you two have is over after tonight."
"We don't
have any thing weird going on. We're just friends," said Danny. “But once
I go back to being myself, he'll never by my friend again cause he never was.
He's your mom's friend- not mine. It's stupid you know, ‘cause I didn't even
want to know him like this in the first place. But now that I do, I don't want
to forget him and I don't want him to forget me.”
“But you're
thinking of him as a friend and not a boyfriend, right? I know you kissed him
‘cause you had to, but that's all you did, right? You didn't do any thing else
with him, did you?”
“Of course not!”
said Danny defensively. “Why would you even think such a thing? You're
grossing me out.”
“Sorry,” said a
relieved Jimmy. “Then it’s better this way, cause we don't need to get busted.
Break it off with him sometime next week. Call him up or send him a card."
Danny winced.
“Yeah, I suppose so. I just feel bad for him. I think he's really falling for
Olivia and I don't want to break his heart, especially at Christmastime.”
Jimmy nodded.
“Yeah dude, it sucks. He's a nice guy, but you aint no nice girl. Look at your
self. You gotta dick between your legs and so does he. Know what I
mean?"
Danny nodded. “I
know. It's just going to be weird seeing him in school. I’ll have to remember
not to talk like Olivia when I'm around him.” He paused and took a long puff
from his cigarette and allowed the smoke to settle in his lungs. “So you think
it would be okay if I put off breaking up with him for a little while?”
“What's the
rush? Do it next week,” said Jimmy. “You worked real hard today. No sense
fucking it up by making him cry on Christmas Eve.”
“What? You think
he'll cry?” Danny asked, visible concern in his eyes.
Jimmy shrugged.
“I don't know. He likes you – well, he likes Olivia a lot. But so what if he
does? I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but what are you going to
do? You can't keep being my mom. You've got a life of your own- remember?
Danny agreed as
he glanced at the clock above the stove. “Ah man! Look what time it is! I
gotta go or I'll miss my appointment with Brenda."
"You're
seeing Brenda again," questioned Jimmy? What for? You don't need her.
You do a great job on your make-up."
"Thanks,"
said Danny as he scouted around for the car keys, "but tonight's special.
I figured I’d go all out for you guys. Keep an eye on the roast for me, okay?
Baste it every now and then to keep it moist. And clean up your room for me,
will you?”
“Already done,”
Jimmy said with a grin. “Don’t worry about the roast, I’ll take care of it.”
Danny smiled
back and stubbed his cigarette out before picking up Olivia’s purse and keys.
He flipped a baseball cap over his head to hide his boyish haircut, covered his
eyes with a pair of dark women’s sunglasses and chased his lips with a tube of
lipstick. It wasn't elaborate, but it was good enough to get him to Brenda’s
salon without anyone questioning his true age or gender.
“Hey… Mom?”
said Jimmy as Danny had one foot out the door.
Danny stopped
abruptly and turned his head. "What?"
“I think you’ll
look beautiful even without Brenda’s help.”
Danny beamed at
the compliment. “Thank you, Jimmy. You're so sweet,” he said as he closed the
door behind him and hurried off to the Lexus.
*****
Danny breezed
through the door of Beautiful Secrets; Brenda’s upscale beauty salon. He
greeted the girl behind the desk as he signed in and took a seat. There were
two "other" women in the lobby waiting with him. He hoped they
weren't waiting to see Brenda as well. One of them looked up from her
magazine. She smiled and made eye contact with Danny's dark glasses, and then
went back to her magazine. So far so good, thought Danny as he crossed his
legs in a feminine manner.
“Mrs. Wilson.
How are you?” called a pleasant female voice.
Danny looked up
to see Brenda waving him to the back of the salon. He got up and followed her
to an out of the way room in the rear of the suite. After a quick exchange of
hugs and compliments, Brenda went to work, helping Danny into his foundation
garments and under things. They both lit cigarettes and Brenda proceeded to
turn the androgynous teenager into a hot mom.
After roughly
forty-five minutes of painting and plucking and careful wig styling, Brenda took
a step back and critiqued her creation. The boy appeared to have aged more than
twenty years in less than an hour. Danny’s slender, adolescent features
complimented the disguise creating the illusion of mature femininity.
“Okay, sweetie,
what do you think?”
“Oh my god!”
squealed Danny. “I look fabulous! Thank you Brenda. You're amazing.”
“Well, honey,
you do pretty good work yourself. You've come farther and faster than I ever
would have imagined.”
“Thanks, but I
had a good teacher.”
Brenda nodded.
“Speaking of teachers, can I ask you again why you’re doing this? This whole
date thing with your teacher?”
“He’s actually
Jimmy’s teacher. Don't worry. I know what's what. He's a man and I'm a boy.
I know all that. It's just that I feel different when I'm dressed like this.
It's like I'm seeing and feeling him the way a real woman would. I know it's
not real, but it feels good. Does that make sense?”
“It does. But you're
playing with fire. You know that, don't you?”
“I do. But I promise not
to take it too far.”
“That's not what I mean.
I’m sure you’ll be careful and I know you won't give too much away. What I
meant is that you seem so genuinely happy as Olivia. Are you really happy,
Danny? Does being Olivia make you happy?”
Danny hesitated before
giving his answer. Was she teasing him or was she encouraging him? He took a
thoughtful drag on his cigarette as he considered his reply. “I am happy,
Brenda. But I don't know why, and that bothers me a lot. I'm looking in the
mirror and I see this beautiful woman staring back at me and she's happier than
I've ever been in my whole life, but she's me. Or am I her? You tell me,
because I don't know.”
Brenda exhaled and shook
her head. It was the tone of his voice as much as what he said that intrigued
and troubled her. “What else can you tell me?” she asked.
Danny shrugged and took
a pull from his cigarette. “It's hard to say with words. I've never felt this
way so I don't know how to describe it."
“Okay, maybe this would
be easier if we broke it down. Forget about the big picture. Forget about
Norman and Jimmy and you're life as Danny Brown. Forget about your mother and
school. Look at the mirror and concentrate on Olivia. Tell me about her.
Pretend I've never met her and describe her intimately."
"She's pretty and
people like her," said Danny. They think she has her act together. She
loves life and isn't afraid to live with it. She knows she's special and
worthwhile. She makes a difference. She loves people and people love her. She's
a good person, but she isn't a saint. She smokes too much and that bothers
her. Whenever she lights up, she wonders if she's setting a bad example for
her son or chasing away a potential husband. But she really enjoys it and it
makes her feel sexy when she's alone with her thoughts. Sexy is a big thing
for her. She's not a slut but she likes feeling attractive. I think she gets
off on being a woman. She loves the clothes and the make-up. Her skin shivers
in ecstasy when it hugs the silk of her nightgown. She appreciates the curves
of her body. She knows she looks good and looking good makes her feel good.
She's not invisible. People stop and stare when she walks into a room. She
enjoys their attention and the way they listen to every word she says. She
feels important and meaningful."
"I see," said
Brenda. "Olivia sounds very nice. I almost envy her. "Okay,"
she said as she put out her cigarette and lit another one. "I want you to
close your eyes and think about your self. Tell me about Danny Brown.
Describe him to me as if I've never met him."
Danny closed his eyes
and frowned. "Danny Brown is 15, almost 16. His best friend is Jimmy
Wilson. He's got other friends too, but most of them are dweebs. They just
put up with him because he's Jimmy's friend. They wouldn't give a shit if he
moved away or wasn't around. Danny likes girls but they don't like him. Girls
think he's pathetic. Most of the time they don't know he exists. No one
does. He's like invisible. No one takes him seriously. No one cares what he
thinks or says. He's a big joke. He doesn't take chances cause he's afraid
he'll fail and people will laugh. He'd never do any thing wrong because he's
afraid of what his mother would say. He's a real loser. I don't like him. He
embarrasses me."
"Maybe you don't
like him now, but people change," offered Brenda. "Maybe you'll like
him better when he grows up. Girls change too. Believe me when I tell you
there is somebody for everybody."
"He won't
change," said Danny. "He'll always be a loser. He'll always be
second best. He'll always be the background to other people's lives. I've
seen older versions of my self and I feel sorry for them. They don't matter
and they know it. That's what I have to look forward too. That's why I got
caught up in pretending to be Jimmy's mother. For the first time in my life I
got to feel what it's like to be somebody special. You don't know what I'm
talking about. You're special now and I bet you were special when you were my
age. You don't know what it's like being me. You've never been
invisible."
Brenda acknowledged
Danny's pain because he was right. She couldn't imagine what it felt like to
be the blade of grass in a field of flowers. She had always been the
"It" girl. She had never known guys like Danny Brown when she was in
high school because Danny was right. Guys like him were invisible. She had
walked right past them.
"What about
Norman," asked Brenda? "What can you tell me about him?"
"What do you want
to know? He's a guy. He's a man. He's Jimmy's teacher."
"I know that,"
said Brenda. "Tell me something more. Why do you like him?"
"I don't,"
said Danny. "At least not in the way you're saying. We're just
friends."
"You wouldn't be
here if you were just friends," said Brenda sternly. "Don't get
offended. I'm not accusing you of being gay although if you were, it would
certainly make things easier. I just want to know what makes him
special."
"He's a great
guy," said Danny. "He's smart and good looking. All the girls in my
school are in love with him. Cool guys like him are usually jerks, but he's
not. He really cares about people and he tries to help them. I think the
world would be a better place if more guys were like him."
"So you admire him
and would want to be like him if you could?"
"Yeah, I guess
so," said Danny.
"Then why don't
you?"
"Cause I can't.
It's impossible. You have to be born that way."
"But you admire
Olivia. You said so your self. And look at you now. You've become what you
admire. So why can't you do the same with Norman?"
"Smoke and
mirrors," said Danny. "Guys are plain. What you see is what you
get. You can't fix them or improve them with make-up and clothes. You're
either born like Norman or born like me. But it's different with women. Look
at what you did for me. You made me beautiful."
"Yes, I did,"
said Brenda. "I made you beautiful so you could be with the kind of guy
you always wanted to be. Don't you see Danny? Norman is your perfect image of
what a man should be. He's special because in your heart you wish you were
like him."
"But I'll never be
like Norman. It isn't possible."
"You're
right," said Brenda. "But you can be like Olivia. And it seems to
make you very happy. Further more, it's technically possible for you to become
her. I'm not suggesting a sex change, but it's an option. Would you like that
Danny? Do you think you'd be happy being a woman every day for the rest of
your life?"
"I think I'd like
to look like a woman all the time," said Danny. "It would be
fun."
"I know you would,
but looking like a woman and being a woman are two different things. Being a
woman is more complicated than letting your hair grow out and wearing nice
clothes."
"I know that,"
said Danny. "I'd have to get surgery. They'd give me boobs and cut off
my penis. I'm not stupid."
"Surgery would take
care of the outside, but I'm concerned with your inside," said Brenda.
"There are consequences for acting on your feelings. And there are
consequences for not acting on them. Your damned if you do and damned if you
don't. You need to know the truth about yourself before you can make decisions
about your life. I understand you don't like your self as a boy. I understand
why you admire and envy Olivia Wilson. But we're not talking about Christmas
break. We're talking about the rest of your life. The decisions you make now
and how you come to feel about them will make you happy or sad for the rest of
your life."
"So what are you
saying," asked Danny? "Are you telling me it won't work?"
"It's not for me to
say. I don't have the answers. I only have the questions."
"Okay then. Ask me
something else?"
"All right. I
will. You told me that Danny Brown is sexually attracted to girls. Do you
think Olivia Wilson will like boys when her heart and soul is Danny
Brown?"
"I'm not gay
Brenda?"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not.
I don't have those kinds of feelings."
"Would it bother
you if people pointed their fingers and accused you of being gay when you're
not? Do you think it would bother your mom to think she had a gay son?"
"I wouldn't like
that. It would make me mad."
"Why would it make
you angry if you're not gay? What would it matter if people thought you
were?"
Danny turned the
question around. "Would you like it if people thought you were gay?"
"No Danny I
wouldn't like it. I wouldn't like the stares or the fingers being pointed at
me. I wouldn't like being discriminated against or persecuted. I wouldn't
want to refer to my self as a lesbian. I wouldn't want people to think my
boyfriend or husband is a lesbian. That wouldn't be fair to him. But that's
what you'd be doing to your self and to any girl who would have you. Don't you
get it? Changing your sex doesn't change your sexuality. You would look like
a girl but you'd still be attracted to girls, and that would make you look like
a lesbian."
Danny looked away and
took a deep drag from his cigarette as he considered the significance of what
she had told him. He exhaled and faced her. "I can still be a woman. I
don't need a boyfriend or a girl friend to be a real woman."
"No you
don't," said Brenda. "But love is a prerequisite for happiness and
fulfillment. You're happy now because you're soaking up the admiration and
respect meant for Olivia. And you're enjoying a friendship with Norman.
Friendships are a form of love. But you'll need more than friendship to be
truly happy. You're going to need love Danny.
"So you're saying I
should forget all this and go back to being my self."
"No, I'm not saying
that. I remember how pathetic you were the first time you sat in my chair.
And I remember seeing the look of hope in your eyes after I finished your
make-up. I didn't see a boy who was pretending to be a woman. I saw a real
person who was ready to take on the world and experience life to it's fullest.
You make a good woman Danny Brown. Norman would love and enjoy you as a woman,
but do you think you could love and enjoy Norman? Could you put aside the
sexuality you were born with for the sake of becoming a real woman?"
"You mean have sex
with him," asked Danny?
"And enjoy
it," added Brenda.
"I don't know.
That would be so weird. It would be gay."
"But it wouldn't
look gay," said Brenda. "Everyone would see a man and a woman.
What's gay about that?"
"You know what I
mean."
"I do, and that's
why I wanted you to think about it. You like him a lot don't you?"
"Yeah, but what's
that have to do with being gay?"
"Absolutely
nothing, but liking someone is the first step to loving someone."
"Are you saying
that if I love Norman I'll become a woman for him?"
"No Danny, I'm not
saying that. I'm not saying any thing. I just want you to think about
things. Tonight is special. Don't waste it. This could be the most important
night in your life. See it for what it is and don't make it into something
it's not. Danny and Olivia are depending on you to make a decision. So are
Norman and Jimmy. And don't make this just about Norman. You may be meant to
be a woman, but that doesn't mean you're meant to be Norman's woman. Look at
it from his point of view. Olivia is carrying around some heavy baggage. As
far as he's concerned, you're 39, you have a kid, and you're a heavy smoker.
Those things are liabilities as far as most men are concerned."
Brenda shook a cigarette
loose from her red pack Mores and lit one. "I just want you to go into
tonight with your eyes and mind wide open. Maybe your life as Danny Brown can
be salvaged. Maybe it can't. You're the only one who can make that decision.
The important thing is that you follow your heart, no matter what it tells you
or how crazy it sounds. Can you promise me that? Will you follow your heart
and go where ever it leads you?"
Danny swallowed hard.
“I promise,” he said.
“Then you’re
ready,” said Brenda as she kissed him lightly on the cheek, being careful not
to mess up his makeup. "Have a good time tonight."
*****
After checking
on the roast, Danny hurried upstairs to change. He decided on a more elegant
look, choosing a white silk cowl neck top and a long black wool ankle length
skirt. He pulled on a pair of black leather high-heeled boots, the ones he’d
worn to the mall a week before. He completed the outfit with some of Olivia
nicest gold jewelry – earrings, bracelet, and a small ring for his right hand.
He spritzed himself with perfume and verified his appearance in the mirror.
Yes, indeed.
Olivia did look perfect.
He went back
downstairs and finished preparations for the evening, slipping on an apron to
protect his lovely outfit. Jimmy, wanting to be as helpful as he could to his
“Mom” one last time, set the table with Olivia’s best china. Afterwards, he
went to the living room and loaded some Christmas music in to the CD player.
The first track started immediately, belting out Bing Crosby's “White
Christmas” at 50 decibels.
“Jimmy, turn it
down! It's too loud!” screamed Danny from the kitchen.
The door bell
chimed, signaling Norman's arrival. Danny took a deep breath and steadied his
nerves as he pulled open the door. There he was, standing on the porch, looking
dashing as ever in a navy blue wool sweater and black slacks. Danny was torn
between running away and jumping into his arms. Reason prevailed and he
invited the teacher inside. He took a step back, making room for Norman to
enter.
Danny smiled
gracefully as he noted the bottle of red wine in one hand and a bouquet of red
roses in the other. He was slightly taken aback by the gifts, as he had not
expected either. Sadness competed with joy as the thought of giving up his
friendship with this wonderful man tortured his soul.
Brushing aside
his momentary sadness, Danny hugged Norman and kissed him on the cheek. “Oh
Norman! Are those for me? They’re beautiful!” he gushed, as he took the roses
and gave them a girlish sniff.
“My God,
Olivia," said Norman, "you look ravishing." He stepped inside
the doorway and pulled Danny close, kissing him firmly on the lips, making
Danny's head spin involuntarily.
Norman
reluctantly broke the kiss, not wanting to offend Olivia's son. “Here, I
brought you a nice little bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, from a vineyard in
California I visited a couple years ago. I’ve been saving it for a really
special occasion, and I can’t think of a better one than tonight. I thought it
would go great with the lamb.”
“Thank you,
Norman, that’s so thoughtful,” Danny said, as he smiled and took the bottle. He
took Norman's elbow and led him into the kitchen. He was about to put the
bottle in the refrigerator when he felt a slight tug on his arm.
“Uh, why don’t I
go ahead and open it? We can let it breathe before dinner,” suggested Norman.
Danny felt ditzy
as he recalled their dates, whenever they had red wine, it had always been
served at room temperature. He kicked himself for not remembering.
Norman must
think I’m so dumb, he thought. But I can’t help it; I’m still trying to learn
all the little things about being an adult.
“Well then,
handsome,” Danny said, in an attempt to divert attention from his mistake, “How
about dinner? I hope you’re hungry.”
*****
“Unbelievable,
simply unbelievable!” Norman stated with a satisfied smile as he pushed away
his plate and sat back from the table. “Where in the world did you learn to
cook like that?’
“Oh that was
nothing. It was just something my mother taught me,” Danny lied.
“Well, that was
one of the best home-cooked meals I’ve had in a long time. You’re an amazing
cook, Olivia Wilson. And an amazing woman.”
“You’re so
sweet,” Danny said, blushing with a smile as he pulled out an after-dinner
cigarette. Norman reached over to light it for him, and Danny obliged, looking
deeply into the teacher’s eyes as he did. Their gazes locked for a moment, and
Jimmy couldn’t help but notice.
“Uh, Mom, how
about we open some presents?” Jimmy asked, intentionally shattering the moment.
Danny sighed and
looked toward Olivia' son. He was irritated at him for putting a damper on his
moment with Norman, but this was Jimmy's Christmas, not his. “That sounds like
a wonderful idea, sweetheart,” he said as he picked up his wine and cigarette
pack.
“That's a nice
looking tree,” said Norman as Danny led him to the couch. “Did you put it up
your self, Jimmy?”
“I would have,”
said Jimmy, “but Mom beat me to it. I hope it doesn't fall down while we're
sitting here. If it starts looking shaky, I'll yell 'timber' and you guys can
run.”
Danny rolled his
eyes. “Very funny, young man. The reason that tree is standing so well is
because I read the instructions from cover to cover before I started. Something
you men know nothing about.”
Whether it was
funny or not, the three of them enjoyed a good chuckle and took their seats.
Norman and Danny positioned themselves on the couch with a view of the tree and
the blazing fire. Jimmy took the wing back chair beside the couch and flung his
feet up on the leather ottoman.
“Who's that
singing on the radio?” asked Norman as he took a sip of wine. “It sounds like
Old Blue Eyes.”
“It does, doesn't
it?” said Danny as he placed his glass of wine on the coffee table. Just then
he noticed the photo album sitting close by. Had Norman noticed it too? He
prayed to God he hadn't. "It sounds like Sinatra, but it’s Harry Connick,
Jr. I bought the CD yesterday. I just love Harry, don't you?” he asked, as he
kept his eyes nervously glued to the photo album.
What would
Norman think if the real Olivia stared out at him from the pages? How could he
have forgotten to put it back in the bookcase while he was cleaning up? If he
tried to move it, Norman would see it for sure and then he'd insist on looking
at it.
That would be a
disaster, thought Danny as he nervously pulled on his cigarette. The photo
album was a shrine to the late Olivia Wilson. Her son Jimmy had seen to that.
It began with her birth and ended with Christmas two years ago. If Norman
picked it up, if he looked through the pages, he would see Jimmy with his
mother- his real mother.
He was immersed
in the tragedy that was about to unfold on the coffee table when the phone
rang, causing him to jump. An ash from his cigarette fell to his skirt. He
winced as he wiped it away.
“I'll get it,”
said Jimmy as he rose from his seat and dashed to the kitchen.
“I'm so clumsy,”
said Danny as he continued wiping at the ash.
“It doesn't look
like you burned a hole,” said Norman, trying to be helpful.
“It would serve
me right if it did,” said Danny in a disgusted tone. “Who knows? Maybe it
would give me the incentive to quit."
Jimmy stepped
back inside wearing an uncertain look on his face. “Um, Mom, it’s Mrs. Brown.
She wants to talk to you,” Jimmy said, as he held out the phone.
Danny stabbed
out his cigarette in the ashtray and stood up. “Excuse me, Norman. I’ll take
this in the bedroom so I don’t bother you two,” he said as he walked over to
Jimmy and the phone.
“You mean she
wants to talk to Danny, right?” Danny whispered. Jimmy nodded imperceptibly.
Danny climbed
the stairs to Olivia's bedroom with the cordless phone in hand and closed the
door behind him. He removed an earring and brought the phone to his ear.
“Hi Mom. Where
are you?” he asked in his own voice.
“Ted and I are
still in Denver,” said Carol. “Have you seen the news?”
“No. Why?” asked
Danny. “I haven't turned on the TV all day.” Realizing that didn't sound quite
like him, he added, “Me and Jimmy were playing with the Play Station. His mom
got him a new game for Christmas.”
“It's the weather,
honey. Denver got hit with a crazy blizzard and the airport is closed.”
“Gee Mom, I'm
sorry. Any idea when you'll be able to get back?”
“That's just it,
honey. I've asked everyone and no one can tell me a thing. It could be
tomorrow or maybe a few days. All the weather reports say this is a big one.
It might not stop for awhile.”
“So what are you
doing? Are you stuck at the airport?”
“No, Ted was
able to get us a room near the airport. We were lucky. You wouldn't believe
how many people are stranded here. All the hotels are sold out. I guess
they'll have to sleep in the terminal.”
“What about the
lodge where you were staying? Can you go back?”
“I guess we
could if we weren't in such a hurry to get home. The manager said a lot of
people cancelled their reservations after the blizzard hit.”
“Well then,”
said Danny, trying hard not to sound as if he was pushing it. “Why don't you go
back and stay a while longer? I bet with all that new snow, the skiing would be
great.”
“That's funny,”
said Carol. “That's exactly what Ted said.”
“Then do it.
Just have fun, don’t worry about me,” urged Danny.
“What? And miss
Christmas with my precious baby?”
“Face it, Mom.
Christmas is tomorrow and you're not going to be here, but it’s not your fault.
We can have Christmas when you get back. I'm doing great here. Jimmy and me
are having a blast. We'll be fine.”
“You know I
can't keep imposing on Jimmy's mom.”
“It’s no
imposition at all, Mom. Mrs. Wilson's waving at me. She wants to talk to you.
Bye, Mom, I love you! Merry Christmas!”
“Merry
Christmas, sweetie.” Carol replied, her voice breaking, “We’ll have the best
Christmas ever when I get back, I promise!”
“Okay. Tell Ted
I said Merry Christmas. Bye”
Danny covered
the receiver with his hand and lowered it to lap so his mother wouldn't hear
the deep breath followed by the long sigh that escaped his painted lips.
“Hello, Carol,
is that you?” asked Danny in his Olivia voice.
“Oh Olivia! How
are you? I'm sorry to call you with problems on Christmas Eve.”
“Danny says
you’re snowed in".
“You've seen the
news then?”
“Yes I have and
I thought of you and Ted as soon as I saw the pictures. It looks like a regular
white out. I hope you two aren't thinking of leaving. That would be dangerous
and pointless.”
“But Olivia, I
can't leave Danny at your house any longer than I already have.”
“Nonsense,
sweetie. He’s fine. He and Danny are so close they’re almost like brothers.
He’s practically part of the family. He’s more than welcome to stay here as
long as he wants.”
“Are you sure?
Maybe we can rent a car and drive back.”
Danny panicked
for a moment. He had to keep his mother away, just a little while longer. “Oh
Carol, that’s very dangerous. Just stay there and enjoy yourselves and be safe.
If I hear you've left Denver any earlier than next week, I'll dead bolt my door
and won't answer it. Danny is fine here. I’ll take extra good care of him
until you get back.”
“But Olivia...”
“No 'buts' about
it Carol. Think about what you'd be leaving. I overheard Danny talking to you
and it sounds like that lodge is still available. I don't know about you, but a
cozy fire, a bottle of wine and a good man during a snow storm sounds perfect
to me.”
“I suppose it
does to me too, but...”
“Like I said
Carol, no 'buts'. I'll take care of your little boy. In the meantime, you and
Ted have a wonderful time. I'd hand you back over to Danny, but he's back on
the Play Station with Jimmy. You have a great Christmas with Ted, and when you
get home you can celebrate with Danny. Take care, dear. Goodbye!”
Danny grinned
from ear to ear as he pushed down on the receiver without giving his mother
another chance to argue. She wouldn’t be coming back for another week! That
would give him even more time as Olivia. Maybe even time for one more date with
Norman…
He stood up from
the bed with the phone in hand and hurried down stairs with a wonderful feeling
in his heart. That wonderful feeling came to an abrupt end when he turned the
corner and saw Norman sitting on the couch, turning the pages of the photo
album that rested on his lap. Across from him sat Jimmy with a worried look
scrawled over his face.
He wanted to
yell at them both. He wanted to tell Norman to drop the album. He wanted to
smack Jimmy upside the head with the phone. How could he have been so stupid
as to let this happen? Couldn’t he have distracted Norman somehow?
Maybe Norman
wouldn't notice the difference between him and the real Olivia. Maybe Danny
could get the album back without Norman thinking odd of it.
“Sorry about
that,” said Danny as he walked into the room. He hesitated before taking a seat
beside Norman. “That was a dear friend of mine calling from out of state to
wish Jimmy and I a merry Christmas.”
Norman looked up
from the album. “Did you tell your friend about me?”
Why had Norman
asked him that, wondered Danny? Does he know? Is he afraid I told someone about
the two of us – a teacher and a boy?
“I might have
mentioned it,” said Danny nervously. “Why? Would that make you uncomfortable?”
Norman didn't
answer him. He was too engrossed in the album, or maybe he hadn't spoken loud
enough. The music was rather loud after all.
“Have a seat and
stay a while,” said Norman as he patted the seat cushion. “I was just looking
at your photo album. I hope you don't mind.”
“Mind? Of
course not, why should I mind?" he asked nervously. Oh shit, I'm busted,
he knows, thought Danny. Or he's gotta at least be suspicious.
Danny shot Jimmy
a stern look that said “I'll deal with you later” as he smoothed his skirt and
sat down beside Norman. Looking straight ahead, he reached for his cigarettes
and lit one. Maybe the second hand smoke would distract him.
“Is that you
with your mother?” asked Norman as he tilted the album toward her and pointed
to a 4 x 6 color photo.
“Yes,” said
Danny without even looking. He knew the one Norman was referring to. It was
Olivia when she was about 12 years old. She and her mother were dressed in
their Sunday best. A field of Azaleas was in bloom behind them. Danny thought
it might be an Easter picture. The good thing was that Olivia was younger
then, it would explain the difference in their facial features. Norman might
buy that, but he wouldn't buy the pages that followed.
Norman flipped
the pages, not just one or two, but more like three or four. Oh shit, thought
Danny, here it comes.
“Look at this
one,” said Norman. “You’re smoking in a wedding dress. Did you burn a hole in
it?” he asked jokingly.
Danny shut his
eyes and took a deep breath. He exhaled. He felt faint, as if he might pass
out. He opened his eyes and craned his head toward the album that now sat
between them.
Jimmy smirked as
he sat in his chair, watching his friend sweat it out over the photo album.
Serves him right, he thought.
Danny's brain
sputtered as the woman in the wedding gown stared back at him from the photo.
She looks like me, but how could that be?
“My mother
in-law didn't know I smoked,” said Danny in a shaky voice. “My husband...my
ex-husband, you know while we were still married, was always threatening to
show her this picture. He was just teasing, but I never thought it was
funny.” He told the story as if it had really happened to him, when he was
just remembering something Jimmy once told him.
“You won't have
to worry about hiding your smoking from my mom,” said Norman as she flipped the
page. “She knows just how you feel. She's a smoker and a preacher's wife to
boot.”
Norman flipped
the page again. “Hey this is a nice Christmas picture,” he said. "I bet
Jimmy has grown three or four inches since this was taken.”
Oh God help me,
thought Danny. Norman had turned to the last page in the album. The page with
the tear stained picture of Jimmy and his mother, the last photo they had taken
together. But when Danny looked, he almost dropped his cigarette.
The woman
standing beside Jimmy looked like him- not Olivia. And it wasn't the last
picture either. There were others now, pictures of him dressed as Olivia. In
some of them he was alone. In others he was pictured with Jimmy. Some of them
he recognized as ones taken around the house. But others were from places he'd
never been before. There he was at Disney World, in front of the mouse's
house. His face was partially concealed with sun glasses, but it was him. He
was sure of it. But they'd never gone to Disney World together, especially
with him dressed as Olivia.
He looked across
the room at Jimmy, who was squirming uncomfortably in his chair, struggling to
keep a straight face.
“There aren't
any pictures of you and I in here,” said Norman as he closed the album and laid
it back on the coffee table. “We'll have to do something about that.”
“I'll get my
camera,” said Jimmy as he bounced out of his chair and ran down the hall to his
bedroom. He returned moments later with his Sony digital camera and tripod.
Danny remembered when he had bought it. It was pretty expensive as he
recalled.
Danny worked on
his cigarette while Norman rubbed his free hand and Jimmy mounted the camera on
the tripod so that it was facing tree.
Jimmy bent
forward and stuck his eye to the viewfinder as he massaged the lens with his
right hand. “That should do it,” he said as he pushed down on the shutter
button. “Hurry up. We've only got 30 seconds before it goes off.”
Norman stood up
and helped Danny off the couch. They lined up in front of the tree with Jimmy
standing beside Danny and Norman in the back with his arms wrapped around
Danny's waist.
“Oh,” said
Danny. “I forgot to put my cigarette out. Pause it honey.”
“Too late Mom.
Just smile.”
The shutter
clicked, the camera flashed.
“Cool,” said
Danny.
“That reminds
me,” said Norman as he nuzzled Danny's ear. “Where are we going for New Years
Eve?”
Danny squeezed
Norman's hands and kissed him lightly on the lips. “I don't know, handsome.
Why don't you surprise me?” cooed Danny.
“All right then,
I will,” said Norman as he stooped over and picked up a festively wrapped
package and handed it to Jimmy. “Here you go, Jimmy. This is for you. I hope
you like it.”
“Cool. Thanks, Mr. Dinsmore,” said Jimmy as he tore away
the paper exposing a framed 8 x 10 photo of Jimmy’s favorite quarterback,
Michael Vick. “Wow! Is this really Mike Vick’s autograph?” Jimmy asked.
“I'm not sure,”
said Norman with a grin. “I saw him sign it, but I did have to help him spell
his last name.”
“Ha! Very
funny,” said Jimmy. “My man Mike isn't a rocket scientist, but he’s as fast as
a rocket. Hey, what's this?” he asked as he removed a white envelope that was
taped to the back of a frame.
“Beats me,” said
Norman. “I saw him put it there. I figured it was a bill for his autograph,
so I didn't open it.”
“Holy shit!”
yelled Jimmy as he pulled the contents from the envelope.
“Jimmy! Watch
your language!” warned Danny, as he put out his cigarette in the ashtray and
took another from his pack.
“Give him a
break, honey. Can't you see he's excited?”
Danny felt
wonderful at being called “honey”. He smiled sweetly at the teacher as he held
the cigarette to his lips for him to light for her. “I wish he'd get that
excited over his home work.”
Norman lit
Danny's cigarette on cue. “If he did, I never would have met you,” he said
softly.
Jimmy pulled a
pair of tickets from the envelope. “These are play off tickets, how did you get
these? I thought the game was sold out.”
“It is,” said
Norman. “Let's just say someone owed me a favor.”
“Two tickets.
Who’s the other one for?”