A Mother's Love
By slimv and Victor G.
Part 8
Happy New Year's, Danny
thought to himself as he squinted against the morning sun that streamed through
the slit in the bedroom curtains. Memories of the night before and his
passionate New Year's Eve date with Norman crept into his mind, assaulting
his slowly waking conscience.
"Oh my God," he
said out loud, "What have I done?" He rubbed his temples, searching
for a hangover that didn't exist. He reached for the pack of Benson &
Hedges on his nightstand, pulled a cigarette out and lit it. He inhaled
deeply, savoring the taste of the calming tobacco smoke. He closed his eyes and
tried not to think of the other taste- the taste of Norman's sperm.
A wave of nausea washed over him and
Danny dragged himself out of bed. He staggered to the bathroom, steadying
himself against the sink. He winced at his reflection in the
mirror. A frightened boy wearing a woman's nightgown and holding a lit
cigarette stared back at him, blaming him for everything that had
happened. I'm so sorry, he said as he tossed his unfinished cigarette
into the toilet and squeezed a glob of Crest onto his toothbrush.
Tears of guilt and remorse flowed from
his eyes as he scrubbed the filth from his mouth. He turned on the water
and spat in the sink, watching the grayish mixture of paste and saliva swirl
down the drain. He bent down and filled his mouth with running water from
the faucet. He spit out the first mouthful and swallowed the second as
the symbolic irony of what he was doing registered with his brain.
Another, stronger wave of nausea fell
over him, driving him to his knees in front of the toilet. He gripped the
sides of the bowl with both hands and heaved. He'd never felt so sick in
his entire life. Was it what he'd done with Norman, or was it his own
inescapable guilt? His mouth opened involuntarily, emptying the contents
of his stomach into the toilet. The bathroom filled with the stench of
vomit and the sound of agony.
He slowly rose to his feet. Without
thinking, he cleaned up the mess around the rim of the bowl with a piece of
toilet paper and flushed it away. He then walked back to his bedroom in a daze.
He sat back down on the bed and lit another cigarette. He didn't want it
but somehow he needed it. What's next, he wondered as he exhaled a thick
cloud of smoke into the air. The answer was immediate and simple. I
have to get dressed, he thought as he stood up. I can't hide in here all day.
Jimmy will be getting up soon, and he'll need breakfast.
With a look of mixed guilt and disgust,
he looked down at the sheer, feminine negligee draped over his body. He placed
his cigarette in the ashtray and pulled the negligee up over his head, then
slid out of the silky panties he wore. He threw them both angrily in the dirty
clothes hamper. Naked, he pulled open one of Olivia's dresser drawers and
spotted a pair of his boy's cotton briefs lying next to several
different-colored pairs of Olivia's panties.
I need to start getting used to these
again, he thought as he picked up the briefs. He slid his legs into the holes
and pulled them up over his slender, boyish hips. Mom's coming back tomorrow,
so I might as well get used to being Danny again.
He stopped, feeling an intense stab of
sadness at the thought. His time as Olivia was coming to an end. He'd come to
love living her life the past few weeks, the life of an exceptionally
attractive adult woman and adoring mother. He loved wearing her clothes and
jewelry, her makeup and perfume. How they made him feel beautiful and important
and noticed, not at all like the scared, nondescript teenage boy he felt like
underneath. He'd even grown accustomed to the breast and hip pads that were
responsible for "Olivia's" mature curves, and to the snug-fitting wig that gave
him her long, flowing auburn hair.
Deep down, Danny knew it would be more
than her appearance that he'd miss. He'd miss taking care of Jimmy as well,
maybe most of all. It was one of the best things about being Olivia. He rather
liked cooking and cleaning and doing Jimmy's laundry. He liked keeping Jimmy's
house in order. In fact, he had begun to feel a deep sense of pride in it, as
if the house actually belonged to both of them. He wanted things to look their
best, just in case company came by. Like any normal adult woman would do. It
all felt so natural.
Natural? He sat back down on the
bed. What was natural about last night? He closed his eyes and
shuddered as the memory of Norman's penis, and the scent of his manliness
played havoc with his sense of right and wrong. The queasy feeling in his
stomach returned with a vengeance as he remembered the taste of the teacher's
penis on the tip of his tongue. He took a deep breath and settled his
nerves. That was last night and this is now. That's behind me, he
thought as he nudged the thoughts away and pushed himself off the bed.
And now he had to put Olivia away, maybe
for good. He felt as if he were putting away a part of himself, losing his
sense of purpose. But after what happened last night with Norman, he knew it
was for the best.
Where was his newfound sense of morality
when he needed it last night, he wondered? I can't keep kicking myself
over what happened. I have to go on. With a small sigh, he turned
to Olivia's closet and pulled out his old clothes, a white knit Polo shirt and
his favorite pair of faded blue jeans. He slipped on the shirt and smoothed it
out gently against his thin, unpadded frame much like he would do with one of
Olivia's dresses. The knit fabric felt uncomfortable and a little scratchy
against his smooth skin. He then pulled on his jeans. They fit like they
were supposed to, but they didn't feel right. They weren't nearly as
comfortable as Olivia's jeans, even though he wore hers over his hip and butt
padding. He turned around and studied his boyish, flat-chested and narrow
hipped profile in the mirror.
Though he lacked body hair, there was
nothing girlish or womanly about his reflection, save for his plucked eyebrows
and false fingernails. It was a teenaged boy that stared sadly back at him. It
was Danny Brown, not Olivia Wilson.
He removed the cigarette from the ashtray
and considered how out of place it now looked. He felt stupid and silly
smoking as a boy. His mother would keel over if she ever found out.
What would hurt her worse, he wondered, knowing he smoked like or that he
dressed like her, or that he sucked dicks like her? The thought of her
knowing any of what he did made him nauseous with guilt.
He stabbed out the cigarette in the
ashtray and swore off smoking. The glass ashtray clinked against the wood
as the cigarette died between his fingers. He couldn't help but notice
the long, red-painted acrylic nails. God damn it, he thought. It's
going to take some real work to get these things off.
He glanced once more in the mirror,
trying to see Olivia in his boyish reflection. He couldn't see her and this
pained him.
I can't do this, he thought as he pulled
the Polo shirt back over his head and hung it back in the closet. Not
right now. I'll have to soon, but not now. I've still got a little time left as
Olivia; I might as well take advantage of it.
He removed all his boy clothes and put
them away. I'm not ready to be Danny again just yet, he rationalized. Not right
now. I'll have to be him again very soon, I know. But not now. Not yet.
Standing naked in Olivia's bedroom, he
picked up the breast forms from the dresser and carefully glued them onto his
hairless chest. Their weight felt natural and right. Almost normal,
as if he'd gotten a little too used to them. He pulled on a flesh-toned gaff
he'd bought online, and tucked away his privates. As he snuggled it firmly into
place, he smiled at his now flat, female-looking crotch. Over that, he slid on
a pair of black, sheer control top panty hose. They felt wonderful as they
caressed his smoothly shaven legs. The hose formed a silky second skin and
reshaped his legs, making them sleek and quite sexy looking. He fit his hip and
rear padding into place inside the control top and paused for a moment to
admire his curves.
He felt a sense of relief. It
wasn't imaginary. The feeling was real. But there was another
feeling- an urge. He answered it by picking up the
gold box of Benson & Hedges 100s on the dresser and sliding one from the
pack with his long, painted false nails, conveniently forgetting his
oath to quit. He put the white cigarette
between his lips and lit up with a deep, satisfying drag. The
smoke felt wonderful in his lungs as he inhaled. The sight of the white
cigarette between the acrylic nails made his heart beat.
Now I see her. He smiled charmingly at
himself.
"Hello, I'm Olivia Wilson,"
Danny said playfully to the mirror in Olivia's voice. He switched his cigarette
to his left hand and offered his slender, well-manicured right hand in an
imaginary handshake. "How do you do? Why yes, I am Jimmy's mother Thank you,
that's very nice of you to say, but like any teenager he can be a handful
sometimes"
Much better, Danny thought as he chose a long-sleeved
black cotton turtleneck top and a charcoal gray ankle-length skirt from the
closet. It might be a bit much for a casual day around the house, but he
thought he might get out at least once, maybe to run to the store. Besides, he
wanted to look nice for "Olivia's" last day. He pulled the clothes on over his
padded body and then took a seat at Olivia's vanity table. He smoothed his
short blonde hair back and pulled the tight-fitting nylon wig cap over his
scalp, tucking away any stray hairs and hiding his boyish haircut. He looked
over Olivia's expensive make-up collection with growing anticipation.
He took another drag on the
cigarette and exhaled. "Oh, I'm sorry. I hope my smoking isn't bothering you"
He pretended to wave away the smoke. "I know it's a nasty habit, but it's my
one remaining vice. It helps keep me sane when my life gets crazy"
He took another drag on the
cigarette and exhaled. He raised a plucked eyebrow in response to an imaginary
question. "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am dating Norman Dinsmore Oh yes,
he's absolutely wonderful Yes, terribly attractive... And he's so good with my
son" His stomach churned. Oh God, he thought. I'm a grown man's
girlfriend and I have a son.
My son, thought Danny,
snapping back to reality. I'm a mother and I have a son. I'm good
at being a mom and there's nothing wrong with that. Weird yes but bad no.
With a feminine, leisurely exhale, he set
the cigarette down in the ashtray and began putting on his makeup, eager to
leave behind the teenaged boy and once again become an adult woman and mother.
Putting on the make-up occupied his mind,
giving him something pleasant to focus on, something other than his night with
Norman.
He started with his eyes, using two
shades of smoky gray eye shadow, the lighter shade on the eyelids and the
darker slightly higher up, in the crease below the brows. Next came an eyebrow
pencil to shape his brows into thin, feminine arcs the color of Olivia's auburn
hair. He finished up his eyes with black eyeliner and mascara to enhance and
bring out their beautiful green color. Brenda was right; he did have very pretty
eyes for a boy. His skillful use of Olivia's cosmetics just made them even more
so, allowing them to become the centerpiece of his lovely, feminine illusion.
Next he applied a substantial layer of
beige liquid foundation over his face to camouflage his youthful features,
adding a tasteful amount of blush to his cheeks. After pausing to light another
cigarette, he outlined his lips with a dark lip liner, followed with a deep red
lipstick that matched his nails. He deftly painted his lips, sculpting them
into fuller, sexier versions. As he took a drag on the cigarette, he noticed
the thick red lipstick stain around the filter. With a smile, he blotted his
lips on a tissue and admired his reflection.
You're almost there Olivia, he thought to
himself.
Danny lifted the long auburn wig off its
stand and fit it atop his scalp, gently tugging and securing it into place. He
then carefully brushed and styled it to his liking. Satisfied with his
appearance, he pulled some gold jewelry earrings, bracelet, watch, and a
couple of rings from Olivia's jewelry box and put them on. They complemented
the outfit perfectly.
He got up and walked to Olivia's closet
for a few more items to complete the outfit. He picked out a black leather belt,
choosing the one with a gold buckle to match his jewelry. He pulled on a black
wool cardigan sweater over his top and pushed the sleeves up for a classy yet
casual look. He then picked out his favorite pair of Olivia's boots, the
stylish pair of black leather ones with slim 3-inch heels. The real Olivia had
bought them from Nordstrom before she died, and Danny loved wearing them. He
sat on the bed, slid his hosed feet into the boots and zipped them up.
This is so nice, he thought, as he
slipped deeper into denial and further into his fantasies of motherhood.
The outfit and the illusion was
complete. He rose from the bed, and walked gracefully to the mirror to look
everything over. The ensemble tied together well and looked sensational over
his artificial curves. But he was most impressed with the job he'd done on his
face.
He wore a generous amount of makeup, yet
it didn't look trashy or overdone. In fact, his look only enhanced his disguise
and emphasized his apparent age. As far as the rest of the world was concerned,
he was simply another beautiful woman entering middle age trying to hide the
years beneath a veil of skillfully applied cosmetics.
He turned from side to side, admiring the
different aspects of his reflection in the mirror. Incredible, he
thought. Jimmy must be so proud to have a mother that looks like
me. He thought of his own mother and how beautiful she was and all the
sacrifices she's made to raise him alone since his father's death. Being
a mom was tough work, but through it all, she had always maintained her
wonderful mix of femininity and motherhood.
He'd never thought of such things until
recently. He'd always taken them for granted. His mom had been just
his mom. He had forgotten she was a woman as well. He smiled as she
thought about her toiling over the stove one minute, checking his homework the
next, and later preparing herself for an evening with Ted. Thinking of
Ted caused a scowl to rise at the corners of his soft lips. It wasn't
that he disliked him. It just bothered him that a man, any man, would
complicate his fantasy. Thinking about Ted and his mom made him think
about him and Norman.
He lit a cigarette, inhaled the calming
smoke and mentally relived his night with Norman. He'd taken a huge
chance last night, or as Brenda said, he'd taken advantage of an opportunity to
learn something about himself. Sure, he'd had a few drinks, and
that had loosened his inhibitions, but so what? It wasn't as if he'd been
completely drunk when he went down on the teacher. He knew what he was doing,
but common sense had gotten lost in his Olivia emotions.
He cringed as he remembered the feeling
of Norman's penis sliding into his mouth and the taste of his sperm. How
could he have done that? Did it even matter now? Of course it
mattered! It mattered a helluva lot! He sucked a man's dick last
night. He regretted it now, but what about last night? Where was
this newfound remorse when he had his head between his teacher's legs?
Why now? And why the hell had he gotten all dressed up again? But
more importantly, why did it feel so damned right to be dressed like this?
He recalled his conversation with
Brenda. She was so sure he'd be happier and better off as a woman.
She convinced him to follow his heart. This way you'll know, she said.
But he didn't realize that would lead him to suck Norman's cock. Well he
had done it, so what was next?
Brenda was right about one thing,
though. He truly enjoyed dressing like this. Or was he obsessed
with it? Maybe he was. He had hated wearing his old boy's clothes,
even for five minutes. That's why he ripped them off and eagerly tore
into the make-up.
And I like it don't I? Oh yes, I
do. I like it very much. I need it. This is who I am, who I
want to be. I don't want to be a boy anymore. I want to be an adult. I want to
be a woman. I want to be Jimmy's mother. I want to be Olivia Wilson.
If this is who you want to be, then what
about Norman?
"I love him," he said out loud in his
Olivia voice, exhaling the smoke from his lungs. "I told him so, didn't
I?" Oh yes, he had.
Then why do you feel so bad about last
night?
Because deep down I know the truth.
He's a guy and so am I, and I've been lying to him. He deserves better
than that. He deserves better than me.
But that didn't stop you from him sucking
his dick, did it? You knew the truth but you did it anyway.
Maybe I did it because I felt Olivia owed
it to him.
Bullshit Danny! You did it because
you had to know what it was like. You did it because you wanted to
experience everything you could about being a woman. You wanted to know
what a woman feels like when she puts her man's dick in her mouth. You
wanted to know what goes through her mind when she's gagging on that
spunk. You fucking faggot!
And then it dawned on him. He had
survived last night between Norman's thighs, but he hadn't enjoyed it. It
wasn't as bad as he anticipated, but it certainly hadn't been good. Yes,
there had been times when he had gotten into it, but that was because Norman had
gotten into it. And he felt good about making Norman feel good. And
didn't Brenda say that was how he should feel?
Everything Brenda said began to make
sense. He couldn't wear his own clothes this morning because he had never
been happy as himself. Was it the clothes then? Was it the makeup, the
cigarettes, the props he used to become Olivia? Was that all it took to make
him happy? Danny didn't think so. There was more to it than just
all that.
His thoughts returned to Norman and the
misguided love he felt for the man. He wished there was some other word to
describe his feelings for the teacher, but there wasn't. Olivia loved
Norman and he was Olivia. Like it or not, for better or worse, he was in love
with the teacher. He was in love with a man. Maybe it was friendship
or respect or a million other things, but in the end his feelings could only be
defined as love. Why does love have to include sex, he wondered.
Because that's the way nature intended it
to be.
But nature didn't intend on me, he
thought.
This morning he experienced the negative
consequences of loving a man. He awoke to shame and remorse. The
memory alone was enough to trigger a physical sickness. It had bothered
him last night too, but not enough to stop. Why?
Had he done it out of curiosity as he
suspected, or had he done it to please Norman? Last night had been so
crazy. The night had been filled with wine, soft music, and
firelight. He had gone into it believing that it might be the last night
he would ever spend with Norman as Olivia, and he had wanted to make the most
of it. He had wanted to learn about himself. He had wanted to
experience Norman as a woman. He had gotten caught up in the passion of
the moment, but all that changed when he saw the reality of Norman's smooth but
rock hard penis in his hand.
He remembered his hesitation. It
was fear rather than disgust that held him back. That's when he seriously
considered telling Norman the truth. He remembered looking up at Norman
and wanting to speak. It was the look of love in the teacher's eyes that
made him stop short of ruining their lives. He closed his mouth, looked
down at Norman's penis and kissed it tenderly. That was when he felt the
teacher shudder with pleasure and desire. And he fed on Norman's emotions
as if they were his own.
Norman's feelings for Olivia played a
major role in Danny's passionate decision to finish what he started. It
was Norman's love for Olivia that stirred his conscious, giving him the courage
to overcome his revulsion. But somewhere along the line, he had gotten caught
up in the teacher's excitement, and began thinking of himself as a real woman
pleasuring her man. He hadn't gone insane. He knew it wasn't
true. But he allowed himself to believe it all the same.
But even now, in the aftermath of all
that had happened, Danny felt a certain degree of pride in having satisfied
Norman's carnal desires for Olivia. He was the one that made Norman feel
like a man by being a woman. He remembered how Norman had cuddled him
afterwards, kissing and hugging him, telling him how much he loved 'her'.
And he remembered how wonderful and happy that made him feel. That in it
self was reward enough for the humiliation he had endured this morning.
The experience with Norman had been
traumatic and life altering. He stopped short of calling it bad. As
a matter of fact, it had been good, good for Olivia.
With a smile, he grabbed a black leather
purse that matched his belt and boots and walked downstairs to enjoy his last
day as Olivia Wilson.
*****
In the kitchen, Danny found Jimmy eating
from a box of cereal, shoving fistfuls of cereal into his mouth.
"You know, honey," Danny said in his
Olivia voice, "I hear that stuff is pretty good with milk."
Jimmy looked at Danny fully dressed in
female mode; genuinely pleased to see him dressed as his mother. He held out
the box and rattled it gently. "Want some?"
Danny wrinkled his nose in distaste and
shook his head. "Thanks, but no thanks. Not after your hand has been in there.
Besides, I think I smell a liquid breakfast brewing."
Danny
noticed that Jimmy had prepared a pot for him. Jimmy didn't drink coffee, but
Danny had taken it up as part of his Olivia identity. He set his purse down on
the kitchen table and poured himself a cup with milk and sugar.
"Thank
you for this," he said as he sat at the table across from Jimmy, "I can't start
my day without this stuff now." He reached into the purse and pulled out his
designer cigarette case, the one Norman had given him as a Christmas present.
Jimmy smirked at him. "Yeah, I figured
you'd need a strong cup this morning. You were out pretty late last night.
How'd it go?"
Danny
shrugged as he lit his cigarette. "It was okay, I guess."
Jimmy
sensed that Jimmy was being a little evasive. "Did you break up with him?"
"Not
exactly," said Danny, avoiding Jimmy's gaze as he sipped his coffee.
Jimmy
frowned slightly. "You kissed him again, didn't you?"
Danny
nodded. "You could say that. Yeah."
Jimmy's
scowl deepened. "Okay. So maybe you did more than just kiss? Is that it?"
Danny
paused, taking a drag off the cigarette and exhaling. "Yeah, I guess you could
say that, too."
Sensing
Danny's hesitance, Jimmy's eyes narrowed accusingly. "You guys didn't fool
around and he found out you're a guy, did he? Please don't tell me that."
Danny
gently tapped his cigarette into the glass ashtray on the table. "No, he
didn't find out about me. Our secret's safe, so don't worry about it."
"Then
quit making me play twenty questions. Just tell me what you did."
Danny
continued to look away in embarrassment, then switched back to his own voice
before replying quietly, "I can't, Jimmy. You'll hate me if I tell
you. You'll think I'm a queer."
Jimmy
looked horrified. "Jesus Christ, you sucked him off, didn't you?"
Danny
closed his eyes and nodded, feeling his cheeks burn with shame.
Jimmy
sat back in frustration. "God dammit, Danny! What were you
thinking? How could you?"
"I
don't know," Danny replied defensively, still not looking at his friend, "It
just happened. I told you that you wouldn't understand!"
"What's
to understand?" demanded Jimmy. "You're a guy. He's a guy. Kissing
him was bad enough, but now you've gone and sucked his dick? Are you a fucking
fag now?"
Danny
looked at him with a hurt expression, tears forming in his eyes. "No! I'm not!"
he said, his voice breaking. "It's not like that. You don't
understand. I I had to do it."
"Had
to?" asked Jimmy harshly as he watched the tears beginning to stream down
Danny's elegantly painted face. "He made you suck his dick? You
didn't have a choice? Is that what you're saying? He made
you do it? He raped you?"
"Nooo!"
Danny wailed. "It wasn't like that! I did it because I had to know
what it was like. I had to know if I could do it. I needed I
needed to know what a woman a real woman feels like when she's with someone
who really cares about her. You don't understand what being your mother has
done to me. It's opened up something inside me and I I needed this."
Jimmy
was torn between anger and sympathy. On one hand, he wanted to slap some
sense into his friend for risking everything on some bizarre crush. On the
other, he felt sorry for Danny; aware of the confusion he must feel. This was
as much his fault as it was Danny's. Sure, Danny was the one who gave
Norman a blowjob, but Jimmy was responsible for creating the situation that
allowed it to happen.
Seeing
Danny crying his eyes out and trying futilely not to ruin his makeup made Jimmy
even more frustrated. He wanted to hit something, but instead he put his
hand on Danny's shoulder and rubbed it reassuringly.
This
is bad, thought Jimmy, real bad. "You fucked up, dude. You really
did. You know that, don't you?"
Danny
nodded, acknowledging his friend's question by sobbing harder and reaching for
a tissue inside his purse.
"I
don't know what to tell you," Jimmy continued, "I wanna help but I don't know
how. I'll talk to Mr. Dinsmore if you want. I'll tell him
everything so you don't have to."
Danny
looked up at him in surprise. "No, don't do that. I don't want him
to know. Please don't tell him. He'll hate me."
Jimmy
tried to maintain his composure. "Then how are we going to make it right if we
don't tell him? He's not going to forget last night. If you break
up with him now, he's going to keep coming back. You said he loves you,
and after what you did last night, he's going to think you love him too."
Danny
looked at Jimmy with sadness in his eyes as he dabbed away his tears. "That's
the problem," he said, switching back to his Olivia voice. "I think I do
love him."
Jimmy
recoiled as if he'd been burned. "So what are you saying? Are you
telling me you've really gone queer? Is that it?"
Danny
shook his head sadly. "No, it's not that simple. I'm not gay,
Jimmy. I don't like other guys- just Norman. And I think I love him, but
I can't explain it."
Jimmy
frowned. "How can you sit there and tell me you don't like guys and you're not
gay when you've already said you sucked his dick?"
Danny
finished wiping the tears from his eyes and took a drag from his
cigarette. "I didn't say I enjoyed it, did I?"
Jimmy's
brow furrowed in confusion. "No, but I just figured... Well you know. I
just thought that since you did it that you must have liked it."
"It
wasn't like that," said Danny, reaching into the purse for a compact. "I
did it but I didn't like it. I thought I was going to puke when he came
in my mouth. It was salty and thick and nasty."
Jimmy
grimaced. "Oh shit, you didn't have to tell me that! Now I want to puke!"
"Tell
me about it," said Danny, surveying the damage to his makeup in the small
mirror. "I felt real weird about it this morning, but last night things
were different. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."
"Don't
gross me out dude. I don't think I want to hear this."
Danny
looked at his friend with pleading eyes. "I have to tell someone
Jimmy. I can't keep this to myself or I'll go crazy."
"Okay,
but leave out the sticky parts."
Danny
nodded his agreement and took a well-needed puff from his cigarette to steady
his nerves. "I knew I was a boy last night but I felt like a woman," he
began. "Its not like I look at him and turns me on. That's why I
know I'm not gay. But I do like it when he looks at me and gets turned
on. He thinks I'm a woman and that makes me feel like one. And I
like that Jimmy. I really do."
Danny
paused to take a puff from his cigarette. Jimmy wondered if he should say
something, but opted to stay quiet and let Jimmy finish.
"We
have this connection, kind of like you and I have."
"What,"
asked Jimmy? "You like me the way you like Norman?"
"No!
Of course not," said Danny defensively. "But I like you. I've
always liked you and I like you even more now that I've been your mother.
Don't tell me you haven't felt it too. It's not sex or anything like
that. It's love- you know. It's a good feeling."
Jimmy
nodded. He knew exactly what his friend meant. Dressed the way he
was, Danny was about the sexiest looking creature he'd ever come across.
But sex was the last thing on his mind when he looked at his friend. He
didn't see a woman when he looked at Danny. He saw his mother, and he
loved his mother. "I think I get it," he said. "So you're more like
friends?"
"Yeah,"
said Danny. "Real good friends. Think about it. Isn't love
like real strong friendship?"
"I
don't know. Maybe. I'm friends with you, but I don't want to have
sex with you."
"But
you would if I was really a girl, not your mom and we were friends- real good
friends."
"Yeah.
I guess so. And that's how you feel about Norman?"
"Maybe,
but that's definitely the way Norman feels about me when he's looking at your
mom. And I'm kind of like that too, except its harder, because I feel the
friendship and the love, but I know I'm really a guy. And that's when it
starts to get fucked up. Think about it. I didn't do anything last
night that your mom or my mom hasn't done before."
"But
that's different, because they're really women and you're not."
"Exactly,"
said Danny. But that didn't change the way I felt last night. I did
what I did because I'm in love with him. It doesn't matter that we're
both guys and since he doesn't know that, I was able to express my feelings by
doing what I did. It wasn't easy, and it was probably wrong for a thousand
different reasons, but it felt right last night when it was happening. It
doesn't feel right now. But maybe it could. Maybe I could get used
to it."
"And
maybe you could get your head examined," said Jimmy playfully, trying to break
the tension between them.
"I love being your mother and I love
being an adult woman, but the sex part sucks. I guess I didn't think it would
go that far. I totally wasn't ready for it."
"Okay,"
said Jimmy. "Then get a sex change operation and be a lesbian. That
way you can be a woman but you won't have to suck any more dicks."
Danny
frowned at is friend. "That isn't funny, Jimmy."
Jimmy
paused for a moment before answering. "I wasn't joking, dude. I'm totally
serious. I have the bucks in savings, you know I do. I was thinking
about saying something about it before but I thought you'd get mad."
Danny
smiled weakly as he repaired his foundation with a makeup sponge. "I
thought you were freaked out about me being with Norman. Now you're saying
you'll pay for a sex change. I don't get it."
Jimmy
gave him a guilty shrug. "Well, this is a lot to deal with, okay? And yeah, it
does gross me out when I think of you sucking Dinsmore's dick."
"Call him Mr. Dinsmore, please," said
Danny exasperatedly.
"Yeah, okay. Mr. Dinsmore'. But you've gotta
remember, you're my best friend, but for the past three weeks, you've also been
my mom. So listening to you talk about going down on my teacher, especially
dressed like this, freaks me out on a couple of different levels. Does that
make any sense?"
Danny nodded. He hadn't really thought of
the various ways his relationship with Norman could affect Jimmy.
"Wow, I'm sorry. I guess this is a lot to
throw at you," Danny said.
Jimmy nodded. "Yeah, a little. And I know
this may sound weird, but you're like a brother and a mother to me now. So
whatever you decide, I'll do whatever I can for you."
Danny
smiled and gripped Jimmy's hand tightly. He looked at his friend questioningly.
"That's just it, though. I don't know what to do. Brenda says I
should just be a woman and be happy, but it's not that easy. I can't just stop
being Danny. But to be honest, I don't want to stop being Olivia, either. And I
don't want to hurt you most of all."
Jimmy
smiled reassuringly. "I'll be fine. It's you I'm worried about. I think this
whole dressing up as my mom thing is messing with your head. It's like you're
two people, Danny and my mom, and you're torn between them. Like you're in the
middle or something. I think you need to choose one or the other."
Danny
thought about that as he took a long, slow drag on his cigarette. "So what do
you think I should do? Would you rather have a mother or a best friend?"
Jimmy
paused. "It's not my life, dude. You have to make that decision. But to be
honest, it's kicked ass having a mom again. You took care of me and made me
feel safe and loved."
Danny smiled awkwardly, not sure what to
say. "Well, I do want to take care of you. I like it"
"I know. I just didn't realize how much
I'd missed my real mom, so it's going to be hard to say goodbye to your version
of her. And I'll admit I wouldn't mind if you stayed this way a little longer.
Or you could do it permanently if you really really wanted to. I think we could
pull it off."
Danny stopped fixing his makeup and
looked at his friend in shock. "Are you serious?"
Jimmy looked at him with a sly smile.
"Maybe. Like I said, I've got the money to back you up on it if that's what you
wanted. But I wouldn't just be doing it for you. I'd be doing it for me, too. I
think you've spoiled me by taking care of me."
Danny giggled as he applied a fresh coat
of mascara to his lashes. He figured Jimmy was kidding about becoming Olivia
permanently. Even if he weren't, it would be impossible to pull
off. But it's the thought that counts. "Well, it hasn't been easy for me,
kiddo," Danny replied playfully. "All this cleaning and washing and cooking is
hard work. Don't be so sure I'd want to be your mom permanently."
Jimmy laughed. "Okay. But here's
something else to consider. As much as you might want to, you can't take things
any further with Norman. I know you said you might love him, but it's too much
of a risk. So if you really want to know what I think is best for you, then I
think you should break it off with Norman once and for all and go back to being
a boy again."
Danny
nodded slightly as he finished up with his mascara. He put it away in the purse
and looked at Jimmy. He felt like his friend had something else to say. "And?"
"Think about it, dude," Jimmy said.
"Would you really want to go through a shitload of surgeries to become
woman? I'm no expert, but geeze, think about it. You'd have to get
some kind of operation to make you look older too. The whole thing is
just so crazy. Do you know how hard it would be to change your whole
fucking life like that? Is that what you really want?"
Danny just looked at Jimmy for a moment
and silently smoked his cigarette. "I don't know."
"And you know you'd have to tell Norman
the truth eventually. Cause a full-blown sex change operation isn't
something you can hide from your boyfriend. Norman would find out
somehow, especially if you disappeared for a couple of weeks and then returned
all covered in bandages."
Danny
frowned. "But I don't want him to know who I really am. Not after last
night. He told me he loves me. If he found out I was a boy, it would
break his heart. How would you feel if it was you, and Ashley Bane was sucking
your dick and then she pulled off her wig and told you she was a guy?"
Jimmy's
nostrils flared angrily. "I'd fucking kill her."
"Exactly.
And you'd feel like complete shit, wouldn't you?" asked Danny. "Like
maybe deep down you were really gay or something? I mean, you wouldn't
literally kill Ashley of course, but maybe you'd feel like killing yourself for
being so stupid."
Jimmy
hung his head, understanding Danny's dilemma. "Yeah, I see what you
mean." And then he looked up. "But so what? Are you going to keep
this up, pretending to be a grown woman, just to spare Norman's feelings? And
what about your mom? How are you going to hide it from her? Just sneak over
here and get dressed up on the weekends?"
Danny
scowled and took a frustrated drag on the cigarette. "I'm not sure. I haven't
thought it all through."
"Of course not. Neither one of us thought
it would ever get this far. And what Norman and your mom don't know won't hurt
them. Think about it, dude. You've got to break it off with Norman before
school starts. If you keep this up, I know you're going to get busted. I can't
believe you haven't got busted already."
In
his heart, Danny knew Jimmy was right. He felt a deep sense of sadness that
Olivia's blossoming relationship with Norman would soon be dying. "Yeah, I
guess you're right," he said dejectedly. "But no one else knows about this
besides Brenda, right? You didn't tell anyone, did you?"
Jimmy
didn't answer his friend. Instead he turned toward the window. If
he had been a dog, Danny would have seen his ears perk up.
"Did you hear that?" asked Jimmy.
"Hear
what?" Danny replied.
Jimmy
peeked out the front curtains. "A car door. I think somebody just pulled up the
driveway."
Danny
took a casual drag from his cigarette then crushed it out in the ashtray,
unconcerned. "It's probably Norman. God, I hope he's not coming back for
seconds."
"No,"
said Jimmy as he peered out the window from behind the curtain. "It's
your mom!"
"Don't
be an asshole," said Danny. "Don't pull that shit on me now. I'm
not in the mood. Who is it? It's ten o'clock in the morning.
Did you order a pizza?"
"Dude,
I swear to God, it's your mom. I'm not shitting you!"
Danny
rose from his chair to have a peak out the window. He still didn't
believe his friend, but he had to be sure. His eyes widened in fear as he
looked outside.
"Fuck
no! Christ! What the hell is she doing here? God damn it!"
shouted Danny. "We've got to do something. Look at me! I'm
wearing a fucking dress and makeup. We've gotta hide!"
Jimmy
shook his head. "She saw the Lexus in the driveway. She knows my mom is
here. And right now you're my mom. I can get out the back door but you gotta
stay. Just chill out and relax. This is all going to work out,
you'll see. You don't look anything like yourself. She ain't going
to recognize you. Trust me. I'll sneak out the back door and you
answer the door. Don't act like you know her, cause my mom has never
even met her."
Danny
tried to hide his rising panic. "What do I tell her when she asks where we
are?"
"Just
say we went out, but don't act stupid or she'll think you're lying or
something. Just say you dropped us off at the mall."
The
doorbell rang. Both boys looked at each other as Jimmy backed out of the
living room and made a beeline for the back door. "Answer it," hissed
Jimmy as he slipped out the door. "It's going to be okay. Trust
me. You can do this, Mom."
Danny
nodded. Mom, he thought. He called me Mom. He's right. I am a
mom. I'm Jimmy's mom, just like Carol is Danny's mom. That's how I need
to talk to her. As adult women and mothers. As equals.
He placed a hand on the doorknob and took
a deep breath. Her name is Carol, not Mom, he reminded himself. She'll never
know it's me.
He opened the door, ready for whatever
fate awaited him.
The door swung open to reveal Carol
standing on the doorstep. She looked at Danny and smiled disarmingly, but
showed no sign of recognizing her son.
"Hi, Olivia?" she said, extending her
well-manicured hand in greeting. "I'm Carol Brown, Danny's mother."
Danny feigned surprise as he placed a
hand against his breast forms, then gripped his mother's hand gently. "Oh
hello, Carol! It's so good to finally meet you!"
As he shook his own mother's hand in
introduction, Danny looked over her appearance. He felt as if he really were
seeing her for the very first time.
Carol Brown was a rather attractive
34-year-old with a slim build, shoulder length light brown hair, and beautiful
almond-shaped green eyes. People had always told Danny he had his mother's
lovely eyes, and he realized just then how much they had helped with the
feminine realism of his disguise.
A disguise, he realized, that was of a
woman 5 years older than his own mother. And apparently, judging by his
mother's oblivious reaction, it was a very effective masquerade.
Through some feminine instinct, Danny
scrutinized his mother's outfit. If he'd been himself, he ordinarily wouldn't
have cared. But something in him felt the need to appraise her wardrobe. She
was dressed considerably better than usual, but was that for Ted's benefit or
to impress "Olivia"? Danny figured the latter. He knew from personal experience
how some women felt the need to impress other women. He'd done it himself on his
dates with Norman. More than once, he knew he was the best looking woman in the
room, and that pleased him greatly. He knew it pleased Norman, too.
Danny had to admit that his mother did
indeed look great. She wore a little more makeup than usual but it only
enhanced her natural beauty. Her long light brown hair was styled in a mass of
gentle curls instead of pulled back in a ponytail as usual. She had also chosen
one of her better outfits, a form-fitting brown suede skirt with a
cream-colored cowl-necked top, both of which flattered her slender yet
well-endowed figure. On her shapely legs were high-heeled brown suede boots
that matched her skirt. Her silver jewelry caught his eye. The necklace,
was it new? Maybe Ted gave it to her. It was nice and he wouldn't
mind slipping it on from time to time. He also noticed a ring he'd never
seen before. Or maybe he just didn't remember her wearing it. She
did have a lot of jewelry. On top of everything was a light brown leather
swing coat, giving her a classy, stylish sophisticated look. She didn't dress
this way very often, usually preferring a more casual style, but Danny liked
this look on her.
As they stood there in the doorway, Danny
saw his mother in a new light. At the moment, she wasn't his mom. She was just
another adult a woman who was also the mother of a teenaged boy.
Carol
looked over Danny's shoulder into the house with a hopeful expression. "Is
Danny here? I know I'm early and this was completely unexpected, but I
talked Ted into catching a flight first thing this morning. I couldn't wait to
get back here and see my little boy."
Danny
gently shook his head, conscious of the hair of his wig brushing against his
shoulders. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Carol," he said with genuine sympathy and a touch
of guilt from lying to her, "He and Jimmy are at the mall. I dropped them
off just a little while ago. I'm going to pick them up in a few hours."
Danny stepped aside and gestured
welcomingly into the house. "But where are my manners? Please come in. I
was just about to make some coffee. Would you like some?"
"Thanks,
but I don't want to be a bother," said Carol. "I'll just go back home and
you can send Danny over whenever he gets back."
Danny looked at her curiously. "You
didn't come here just to pick up Danny, did you, Carol?" He thought it felt so
strange to call his mother by her name. Yet it also felt strangely natural.
Carol
paused and smiled slightly. "Well, I did...but I also wanted to meet you, since
Danny spends so much time over here. It's almost as if you're his surrogate
mother."
Danny
laughed. "Well then, you can meet me better over a cup of coffee." Danny gently
grabbed her by the arm and guided her into the house. "Please, Carol. I
insist."
Carol
hesitated briefly before coming in. "Well, okay. If you're sure it's not
any trouble, Olivia."
As Carol entered the house, Danny kicked
himself mentally for not letting his mother leave when she'd offered to.
He could have just let her go, but now he was jeopardizing everything by
inviting her inside for a face to face conversation. But he couldn't help
himself. This was something he had to do. He felt an overwhelming
desire to talk to his mother, as Olivia, woman to woman.
His adrenalin raced as he took Carol's
coat and hung it in coat closet. He told himself to calm down and act like a
grownup.
"Oh,
it's not trouble at all." Danny said pleasantly as he led Carol to the kitchen.
He asked his mother to have a seat while he made some coffee.
"I
love your house," said Carol. "It's beautifully decorated and so
clean. How do you find the time? I know how busy you must be."
"Oh,
you just caught me on a good day. Ask Danny. He's been here enough
to know what this house really looks like."
"I
just can't thank you enough for keeping him for me. It was so nice to get
away with my boyfriend."
"Ted,
isn't it?" asked Danny, feigning ignorance as he adjusted the knobs on the
coffee maker.
"That's
right. I suppose Danny told you about him. He's not Danny's
favorite person. I think he's a little jealous."
"Perhaps,"
said Danny, wondering if that were really true. He'd never really thought about
it before. "Or maybe he's just a better judge of character than you give him
credit for. But then again, I know Jimmy isn't always fond of the men in
my life."
"Oh,
is there anyone special?"
"Not
until recently. It's kind of funny, actually. Well, I suppose it
really isn't that funny, but I started dating one of Jimmy's teachers before
the break. And I have to admit it's been very nice."
Carol
smiled slyly. "Let me guess. Is it Jeff Martin, that adorable English
teacher?"
"No,"
said Danny, thinking over his mother's words. She thought that dick Mr. Martin
was cute? "To tell you the truth, I've never given Mr. Martin much thought at
all. I've been seeing Norman Dinsmore, Jimmy's History teacher."
"Oh,
he's a doll!" exclaimed Carol. "I'm surprised a gorgeous guy like him is still
on the market. What's he like? I always pictured him as the bossy
type."
Danny
smiled as he thought about Norman, and he felt a little more relaxed.
"No, I wouldn't call him bossy. He's actually very relaxed and easy
going." Danny grabbed a couple of clean mugs from the cabinet as the
coffee maker belched.
So
far so good, he thought. He poured coffee into each mug. "Do you
take cream or sugar?" He knew she didn't, but was proud of himself for
asking, again pretending not to know anything too detailed about Carol's life.
"No
thanks. I drink it black it's simpler that way. I guess coffee is
probably the least complicated thing in my life."
Danny
wondered what she meant by that, but didn't pursue it. He put the pot back on
the burner and brought the mugs over to the table. He placed one before Carol
and sat down across from her with the other, smoothing out his skirt beneath
him. He crossed his boot clad legs in a feminine manner and brought his mug up
to his painted lips. Out of the corner of his eye, he subtly studied his mother's
face, wondering if she saw through his disguise. She seemed unaware of any
deception, however, and sipped gently at her mug. Danny shrugged off his
paranoia and continued drinking his coffee.
Not bad at all, he thought. I'm really
starting to enjoy this stuff. It really hits the spot in the mornings. He'd
only recently started drinking coffee and had done it simply as a means to feel
more like Olivia. But the habit was growing on him, like the cigarettes.
A cigarette, he thought. That would
taste so good right now. Coffee and cigarettes go together, like peanut
butter and jelly. He wanted one, and tried not to stare longingly at the
cigarette case on the table. The idea of smoking in front of his mother
was sacrilegious. But this was different. He wasn't her son today.
As Olivia, he was his mother's equal. He couldn't shake the thought or
the cravings. The idea of smoking in front of his mother excited
him. It was something he would never be able to do as a boy or even as a
grown man. It occurred to him that this might be his only chance to do
so. The memories alone justified the risk
Danny picked up his cigarette case and
pulled the ashtray closer to him. "I hate to impose on you," he said
apologetically, "But would you mind if I had a cigarette?"
Carol
smiled broadly. "I was hoping you were going to say that. Mind if I join
you?"
"Not at all," Danny replied, a cigarette
dangling between his painted lips as he spoke. "I remember Danny mentioning you
did, but I also thought he said you were trying to quit. I didn't want
you to feel awkward in case you had."
Carol
smirked as she took her box of Virginia Slims 100s from her purse. "I
hate to admit this, but I just say that to patronize him." She paused as
Danny offered to light her cigarette. "Thanks. I know he hates my
smoking, and I'd honestly like to quit one day. Not just for his sake, but for
mine, too. I'm just not ready to give it up right now. I've been under a lot of
stress lately and my cigs are the only things keeping me from completely losing
it."
Danny
looked at his mother curiously. This was news to him. "Really? Is everything
okay?"
Carol
smiled disarmingly. "Oh Olivia, we just met. I don't want to burden you with my
problems."
Danny
knew something was deeply bothering his mother. He learned forward and patted
her on the arm gently. "No honey, please. Feel free to vent. I'm a good
listener."
Carol
took a deep drag on her Virginia Slim, allowing herself to succumb to the
soothing pleasures of nicotine. "It's this whole thing with Ted and Danny. They
don't really get along. I mean, they don't hate each other or anything, they
just haven't been able to get together on the same page."
"I
see," Danny replied. What his mother said was true. He didn't hate Ted, but he
didn't particularly like him either. He wasn't sure why. Ted was a nice enough
guy and he treated his mom like a queen. Yet somehow, someway he and Ted had
never really established a friendship and there was always a slight friction
between them.
"Have
you tried to talk to Danny about it?" Danny asked, hoping that Carol might give
him some insight on how to remedy the situation.
Carol sighed. "I wouldn't know where to
begin. I think Ted wants to reach out to him too, but Danny's at that age where
he doesn't want to listen to me anymore. I know he's just showing his
independence I can't fault him for that. So we've given him a lot of space so
he won't resent us. Maybe we've given him too much. I don't know," she
said glumly.
Danny nodded, but inside he felt a little
hurt. Was she blaming him for the problems between him and Ted? "They're rather
different aren't they Danny and Ted?" Danny asked. "Not that I'd know. I've
never met Ted, but I've heard Danny talk about him. I've never heard him
complain, though. I think he likes Ted, in his own way."
"I
hope so," said Carol, "Ted likes him too, but you should see them together.
They're like oil and water. There's always this tension between them, and they
can't seem to get past it. I don't blame either one of them, though. I think
their personalities just clash."
"Maybe
they just need a little more time to get to know each other," Danny suggested,
trying to sound helpful.
Carol
absently took a drag on her cigarette. "I've been seeing Ted for over a year
now, so I'm starting to wonder if they'll ever get along. And Danny's about to
turn sixteen. He'll be out of the house soon and on to college. I don't know
how much more time they've got."
Danny
nodded sadly. He had no idea he was causing his mom this much anguish. He made
a mental note to be a lot nicer to Ted in the future. He hoped Ted would return
the gesture.
Carol sighed as she ashed her
cigarette. "I just wish they could work out their differences. I love them both so much, but I feel
like they want me to make a choice between them."
"Really?"
asked Danny in surprise. "Has Ted actually put it like that?"
Carol
shook her head. "No, not quite. Ted would never do that to me, but he did put
some pressure on me while we were in Colorado. I haven't told Danny yet, but Ted
asked me to marry him."
Carol
held up her left hand, showing off a beautiful platinum engagement ring with a
large princess cut diamond. Danny had noticed it at the door, but didn't
realize it was that kind of a ring. He still had a lot to learn about being an
adult.
Danny
was completely shocked by his mother's announcement, but hid it behind a
falsely encouraging smile. "Oh congratulations, Carol!" he said, patting his
mother's arm with mock enthusiasm. "That's wonderful news. I'm sure
Danny will be very very happy for you." He smiled sweetly at his mother, but he
wasn't entirely sure what he felt. However, Carol did seem genuinely happy to
tell this news to "Olivia", so he tried to be happy for her.
Carol
smiled. "I hope you're right. He's such a sweet boy. I know he
loves me and he wants me to be happy. And Ted makes me happy."
"He certainly seems to," Danny said
encouragingly.
Carol took a drag on her cigarette and
exhaled. "But there's more we haven't told Danny. Ted got a huge
promotion at work. They're making him vice president of his department
and he's being transferred to Colorado. He wants Danny and me to move up there
with him."
Danny
tried not to look worried as he squirmed in his seat. "Oh dear.
That is a problem."
"Carol sighed and nodded, "I'm not sure
how to tell him."
Danny's mind scrambled for a way out.
"Carol, if I can be perfectly honest, I don't think Danny's going to want to
move. He really likes it here. This is his home. Isn't there
any other way?" He knew he was rambling and grasping at straws, but he kept
talking, hoping his desperation wouldn't seem obvious. "I'd be thrilled to have
Danny live with Jimmy and me. They're like brothers. I already feel
like he's part of the family."
Carol
patted Danny's hand. "Oh no, Olivia," she said, "I couldn't possibly do that to
you. I couldn't do it to myself, either. I love Ted deeply and I do
want to marry him but I don't want to lose my son either. I missed him so
much while I was gone. I couldn't imagine leaving him behind. And I just
feel horrible about abandoning him at Christmas. What kind of mother would do
that?" Carol's eyes began to water and Danny got up to get her a tissue.
Danny
felt his heart breaking at the sight of his mother's tears. "Oh sweetie, don't
cry," he said comfortingly as he handed a tissue to her, "That wasn't your
fault. Your plane got snowed in. Danny was fine here and I took really good
care of him. Like I said, he's part of the family. He missed you too, of
course, but he knew you'd be back. He just hopes you had fun."
Carol
dabbed at her eyes. "I just love them both so much, I don't know what to do. I
mean, Danny's growing up so fast. I've tried to give him his space, but I end
up spending all this time with Ted. I feel like I've been ignoring my son, and
I think he resents me for it."
Danny sat in stunned silence. His mother
was exactly right. She had been spending a lot of time with Ted, and he did
kind of resent her for it. But he didn't realize she had created a space
between them out of respect for him. He thought she was just being selfish. He
felt terrible for causing her pain. He leaned forward and gripped Carol's hand
tightly.
"Oh Carol, he could never hate you," he
said sincerely, "He loves you very very much."
Carol sniffed and tossed aside the
tissue. "You think so?"
"Trust me, I know so," Danny said gently.
Then he smiled kindly at her. "It's mother's intuition."
Carol laughed as she exhaled the smoke
from her cigarette. "Oh Olivia. I'm so glad I met you."
Danny sat back in his chair and took a
drag from his own cigarette. "Me too," he said.
Carol crushed her cigarette in the
ashtray. "God, I really need to quit these things".
"Well, I'm sure you'll quit when you're
ready," said Danny, trying to sound supportive.
Carol looked forlornly at the crumpled
butt smoldering in the ashtray. "I hope so. I just hope Danny never takes up
smoking. I don't know what I'd do if he did."
Danny
looked away and took a guilty drag on his cigarette. "I know," he said as he
exhaled a large cone of smoke into the air above them. "Kids these days
are in such a hurry to grow up and there are so many bad habits they could fall
into. Of course I should talk, I started smoking when I was fifteen."
Well, that's not a lie, Danny told
himself sheepishly as he squashed his cigarette in the ashtray.
"Me
too," said Carol. "But I guess back then we didn't know as much as we do
today. It's so damn addictive! Did you know cigarettes are harder
to quit than heroin?"