"Danny? Where are
you, honey?" Carol called out, breaking his trance.
"Be right
there, Mom!" Danny replied as he shook his head and wiped the tears from
his eyes.
Hearing his mother's
voice lifted his heart some, reminding him of just how badly he'd missed her.
However, as he walked down the hall, he couldn't shoo away the nervousness
creeping into his heart.
A million thoughts
competed for space in his head, but the thought of seeing his mother as his
self led the pack. Does she know? he wondered. Did she figure it out, that I'm
Olivia Wilson? Does she know that was me in the clothes and makeup? For
Christ's sake, I was smoking in front of her! He suddenly regretted inviting
his mother into Olivia's kitchen that day.
Oh God, a cigarette
would be unbelievably good right now, he thought. He wished he hadn't spit out
his nicotine gum before coming inside. He took a breath to calm his self,
trying to ignore his cravings, then stepped into the living room.
"Hi mom," he
said with an affectionate grin.
Carol leapt to her feet
with a wide smile and wrapped her son in a fierce hug. "Oh honey, I
missed you so much!" she said, kissing him vigorously on the cheek.
"Welcome
home!" Danny said as he hugged his mother tightly, "I missed you. I'm
so glad you're back."
"Oh, me too,
baby," said Carol, careful not to burn him with her cigarette, "Merry
Late Christmas."
"Merry Late
Christmas to you too," chuckled Danny as he breathed in the scent of
perfume from her neck.
Carol pulled away from
her son and took his hands in hers. "Are you hungry?" she asked
sincerely, "Do you want something to eat?"
"No thanks, I'm
good," said Danny as he led her to the couch and sat down next to her.
"I ate with Jimmy and Mrs. Wilson."
Carol nodded.
"Okay. So do you want to open your presents now?"
Danny shrugged.
"In a minute. There's no rush." He subtly scrutinized her, already
knowing the answer to his upcoming question. "So how'd it go in
Colorado? Did you and Ted have a good time?"
Carol exhaled as she
put out her cigarette in the ashtray. "Yes," she said. "We had
a marvelous time, but we both missed you a lot. I wish you would have come up
and stayed with us for a few days. You would have had such a fun time skiing."
"Yeah, I
know," said Danny. "But it was cool hanging out with Jimmy and his
mom. I'm just glad you and Ted had such a good time. You didn't need me
tagging along and spoiling it."
"Well you know
dear, I'd appreciate it if you didn't think of being with Ted and I as tagging
along. I love him, you know. And like it or not, he's a big part of my life.
That makes him a part of your life too."
"I didn't mean it
like that," said Danny. "Ted's a great guy. I'm glad you like
him."
"I love him,"
corrected Carol, as she removed a cigarette from her pack of Virginia Slims and
lit it. "As a matter of fact, I love him so much that I-"
She stopped short of
telling him of her engagement. Perhaps this wasn't the right time. "It
can wait," she said. "Don't you want to have Christmas?"
She didn't need to
finish the sentence. Danny knew what was coming. She'd already told him in
Olivia's kitchen, but he wasn't supposed to know about it.
Danny smiled,
understanding that his mother wasn't quite ready to drop the big news on him.
"Sure. Okay Mom. Let's have Christmas."
*****
Danny and his mother spent the next hour taking
turns and opening their presents. During his Olivia masquerade, he had bought
his mother a few presents on Olivia's credit card. He made sure that they
weren't so expensive that they couldn't have been bought using his saved-up
allowance. It was one less thing to explain he figured.
It was nice, but
although neither of them would admit it, the feeling in the house wasn't quite
Christmas. The music and the fire simply couldn't make up for the day on the
calendar that had come and gone. Carol had never intended to, and would never
have done it intentionally in a million years, but somehow she had missed
Christmas Day with her own child. Nothing she could do would make up for that,
no matter how hard she tried.
"I'm sorry I
didn't get you a tree," said Carol, feeling unbelievably guilty at the
lack of Christmas decorations around the house. She leaned forward on the couch
and lit a cigarette, "I just thought you'd think it was a little cheesy,
that you were getting too old for it."
Danny smirked. His mom
was right. Until he slipped into Olivia's life, he did think Christmas trees
and decorations were cheesy. But something about experiencing life as a mom
showed him that it wasn't just a tree. It was a symbol of family and love and
togetherness. He wondered if his mom felt that way too, but was trying not to
force it on him so he'd think she was cool.
"That's okay
Mom," Danny said, patting her reassuringly on the knee. "We don't
need a tree. We did the tree thing at Jimmy's anyway."
"I'm glad you had
one."
Danny nodded as he
remembered putting it up for Danny. "Yeah. It was kind of fun decorating
it."
"That's
nice," Carol said, but there was a touch of hurt in her eyes.
They sat on the couch
together, surveying the aftermath of their Christmas gift giving. The floor
was littered with torn wrapping paper.
"I'll clean
up," said Danny as he pushed himself off the couch.
Carol caught his arm.
"No honey. Let it be. I'll get it later. Lets just sit here and talk a
bit. It feels like forever since I've seen you."
"Okay," said
Danny. "So what do you want to talk about?"
"Lots of
things," said Carol. "But I don't know where to start. She took a
puff from her cigarette and exhaled toward the ceiling, waving the smoke away
with her hand. Danny watched the smoke dissipate, desperately trying to curb
his cravings.
"So you really had
a good time at Jimmy's while I was gone?" Carol asked.
"Well, yeah Mom.
It was awesome, but I'm glad you're back. I missed you."
"I missed you too,
sweetie, more than I could ever tell you. Speaking of telling people things,
is there anything you want to tell me?"
"Like what?"
asked Danny cautiously, wondering if maybe she was on to his secret.
Carol shrugged.
"I don't know. That's why I'm asking. Its just that we don't talk like
we used to. You're getting older and doing your own things, and I've been so
busy lately. I feel like I haven't been there for you."
Danny smiled
reassuringly. "Gee Mom, don't get all worked up over missing Christmas
Day. It wasn't your fault. You got snowed in. It's no big deal."
"Its not just
Christmas, honey. Its everything. You're not a little kid any more. You're
growing up and your whole life is changing. And I'm sure it hasn't helped not
having a father around."
"Mom, you did good
and you're doing great. I'm fine. I didn't miss out on anything. You're an
awesome parent. Believe me, I know."
"What do you mean
by that?" Carol asked, puzzled by the comment.
Danny shook his head,
mentally chastising himself. At least he hadn't said it in his Olivia voice.
"Nothing. What I mean is that if I never told you before then I'll tell
you now. You're all the parent I've ever needed."
Carol sniffed and wiped
the moisture from her eyes. "I've never even talked to you about sex,
have I?"
Danny felt the heat
rise to his cheeks. "No, but its not like I'm clueless. I think I
understand things pretty well."
"Do you?"
asked Carol.
Danny blushed bright
red as he thought of Norman. "Oh yeah Mom. I know some things. Not a
lot, but I know some things. Hey. Maybe we should talk about something
else."
"Why? Are you
uncomfortable talking to me about sex?"
"No offense, but
yeah. You're my mom. Its just kind of weird."
"Would you feel
more comfortable talking to Ted about it?"
"Mommm!"
whined Danny. "Don't do this to me. You're embarrassing me!"
"I'm sorry,"
said Carol as she leaned forward and put her cigarette out. "I didn't
mean to make you uncomfortable. I know sex and sexuality are awkward
subjects. Its just that I would hope you would come to me if you had a problem
or if something was worrying you."
Danny nodded without
speaking as he stared at the fire and listened to the music. All this talking
to his mother was giving him a headache. He reached up and rubbed at his
temples while staring at his mother's crushed and bent cigarette filter as it
smoldered in the ashtray. This sucks, he thought.
Carol looked at him
with concern. "Maybe you and Ted should spend more time together. Would
you like that?"
Danny pushed down on
his thighs and dried his sweaty palms against the coarse fabric of his jeans.
"Sure," he said. "Sounds like fun. Does he play video
games?"
"He might, but I
was thinking of something more outdoorsy. You know, father and son type of
stuff. He could take you fishing. That would be fun, wouldn't it? You loved
fishing when you were little!"
"Mom, no offense,
but like I said, Ted is a great guy, but I don't need a dad."
Carol nodded as she
took a cigarette from her pack and lit it. Telling him about her and Ted and
the move to Colorado would be harder than she thought.
"I understand what
you're saying," she said through her exhale. "I'm not trying to push
him on you and he doesn't want to replace your father. Its just that things
are about to become a whole lot different."
Why doesn't she just
come out and say it, wondered Danny? "Okay Mom. I can tell you got
something to say, so just say it. What is it? You and Ted are getting
married. Aren't you?"
Carol blinked as if her
mind had just been read. She narrowed her eyes and looked him in the face.
"Did Mrs. Wilson tell you?"
Not exactly, Danny
thought. I just wish you had told me before you told someone you thought was a
total stranger. "No, she didn't. But I'm not stupid. What's the big
deal? Did you think I'd be mad? I want you to be happy."
"And I want you to
be happy too, sweetheart, but there's more to the story and I don't think
you'll like it."
"Well then,"
said Danny evenly as he placed his hand reassuringly on his mother's thigh,
"Tell me. We'll never know if you keep me guessing. What is it? You can
tell me any thing."
Carol took a deep
breath and steadied her nerves. "Ted got a promotion. He's being
transferred to Colorado. She paused to study her son's expression. He's going
to be so upset, she thought. His face was blank, void of emotion. "Of
course we're still getting married," she continued, "So that means
we'll have to sell the house and move with him."
"I see," said
Danny.
"That's it?"
asked Carol, "That's all you've have to say? No arguments? No
hysterics?"
Danny looked at her
with a slight frown. "What do you want me to say, Mom? You and Ted
already made up your minds and you didn't stop to ask me. Is it going to make
a difference if I tell you I don't want to go? Cause I don't. I like it
here."
"Its a fresh
start," said Carol. "Things could be different."
"What do you mean
by that?" asked Danny.
"I don't know
exactly, but you haven't been yourself lately. I can't put my finger on it,
but you're different. Maybe a new place and a fresh start would be good for
you."
"I have friends
here, Mom. Did you and Ted think about that? I'm not just some dog that
travels around with you. I've got a life too!"
"Friends? I
suppose you're talking about Jimmy Wilson."
"Well yeah, but
not just Jimmy. I've got lots of friends."
"But he's your
boyfriend isn't he?"
Danny's jaw dropped. He,
or rather Olivia, was responsible for planting the seed of hypothetical
confused sexuality in his mother's head. But it had nothing to do with Jimmy.
"My what?" he
asked in shock. "Jimmy's not gay!"
Carol took a deep
breath and steadied her nerves. "What about you, Danny? Are you?"
she asked.
A small voice from
within pleaded with him to tell her what had happened. Maybe she could help
him makes sense of his feelings. But Danny ignored that voice out of fear and
shame. "Why would you even ask such a thing?"
"Because I'm your
mother and I love you. That's why. I'm not accusing you of anything. It
isn't like that. I just want to help."
Tell her, begged the
small voice from within. "I'm not gay," said Danny defiantly.
"Are you sure,
honey? Because its okay if you are. Ted and I had a long talk about things
and we've both agreed to support you all the way. It doesn't make a difference
to us one way or the other. We love you no matter what."
"What? You told
Ted I'm gay? I never said that. What are you trying to do to me?"
Carol nervously backed
up and lit a cigarette. "I didn't exactly tell him you're gay. I just
asked what he'd think if it turned out you are- just in case."
"Just in
case?" asked Danny. "Well then, that's all right I guess," he
added sarcastically.
"Please don't be
mad at me, sweetie. I'm just trying to help."
"Any thing else I
should know? You know, for the next time I see Ted? I want to make sure I'm
completely humiliated and embarrassed, seeing as how we're going to be family
now." Danny took a deep breath and crashed against the back of the
couch. This was his doing. He'd laid the groundwork for this moment, but now
that it had come, he was running from it like a scared rabbit.
"Mrs. Wilson also
said something about how she thought you might be smoking."
Danny swallowed through
the lump in his throat as a tear rolled down his cheek. "I don't smoke
pot. You know that."
"There are a lot
of things I thought I knew, but I'm not so sure anymore." She leaned
forward and ashed her cigarette. "Mrs. Wilson wasn't talking about pot.
For what its worth, I don't think you're the kind of boy who would take drugs.
She thought you might be smoking cigarettes. Are you?"
Danny closed his eyes
and dug his short nails into his moist palms as his pulse quickened. Say yes,
he thought. Just tell her. She'll understand. She'll be angry but she'll
understand. She started when she was a kid, too. He opened his mouth to answer
her. The confession was on the tip of his dry tongue, but it rolled back into
his throat at the last second. "No," he said.
Carol's heart began
beating again. She sighed with relief. "Thank God," she said.
"I was so worried."
*****
Norman's cheek burned as he held the phone to
his ear. His mother had an uncanny knack of making him feel responsible for
every bad thing that happened to him. "I didn't do any thing," he
said into the receiver. "I don't know why she broke up with me. She
wouldn't say."
"I don't
understand, Norman," said his mother. "You told your father and I
that Olivia is the love of your life."
"She is."
"And you're just
going to let her walk away?"
"What else can I
do, Mom? She broke up with me, I didn't leave her. She doesn't want to see me
again."
"A woman doesn't
always mean what she says. You should know that by now. Do you think there's
someone else?"
"Of course there
is, Mom. Haven't you heard a word I've said? It's her son. She doesn't want
to get close to me because of Jimmy."
"Then make friends
with him."
"Don't you think
I've tried? I bought him playoff tickets for Christ's sake!"
"Watch your mouth,
son. You'll just have to try harder if you really love her and want her
back."
"Forget it
Mom," said Norman. "It's over. Olivia doesn't want to be with me,
and I won't force myself on her if she doesn't want me. I just called to tell
you that I wouldn't be bringing her with me. As a matter of fact, under the
circumstances, I don't feel much like coming over myself. Do you mind if we do
this another day?"
"Suit yourself,
honey, but your father will be extremely disappointed. He was really looking
forward to seeing you and meeting Olivia."
Norman hung up the
phone and rubbed at the headache behind his temples. Olivia had blindsided him
with the break up. There were times when he had recognized the distance
between them, but he had thought he was closing the gap. She had pleaded for
him to understand that it wasn't him. How many times had he said something
similar to a woman? It's not you, honey. It's me. Had he put too much
pressure on her? Was that it? He replayed the last moments of their final day
in his mind as he opened a beer and rested his elbows on the kitchen counter.
*****
Perspiration from Jimmy's hand soaked the piece
of notebook paper with Brenda's name and number on it as he tilted the empty
glass of Coke and chewed the ice. She was nice enough, and so was he. Nice
wasn't the problem. How in the hell do you ask someone you hardly know if it
would be all right if you moved in with her? That's insane, he thought as he
wiped the condensation from the glass with his index finger.
He hated asking anyone
for anything. He took great pride in his resourcefulness. He smirked at the
idea of any of his friends living on their own as he had done, fending for
themselves. But for three weeks he hadn't fended for any thing. He'd been a
kid- a kid with a mom that loved him.
The phone in his hand
rang to life, startling him. Without pushing the receiver, he read the display
on the Caller ID. It was Norman, calling for Olivia. He winced and set the
screaming phone on the table.
It was the second time
in an hour that the teacher had called and Jimmy knew it was only a matter of
time before Norman showed up at his door, looking for a woman who didn't
exist. He closed his eyes and thought of school. Break was almost over. He'd
have to go back. If he didn't return, the school would investigate. How could
he face Norman, knowing what he knew? Certainly the teacher would try to get
to Olivia through him, her son.
He picked up the phone
and dialed Brenda's number.
*****
Danny slammed the door to his locker shut as the
second period bell chimed. He was about to lift himself off his knees when he
came face to face with a familiar looking pair of gray wool trousers. He
looked up to see Norman's face staring down at him. A surprised squeak slipped
past his lips.
"You're Danny
Brown, aren't you?" asked the teacher.
Danny nodded from
below.
"You're a friend
of Jimmy Wilson's, right?"
Danny nodded again.
"He hasn't been in
school all week and I'm worried about him," said Mr. Dinsmore. "I
called his home and his phone has been disconnected."
"I think he
moved," said Danny weakly.
"Where to?"
"I'm not sure. He
didn't say. It all happened in a hurry. He said something about his mom
getting another job some place. I better get going or I'll be late for
class."
"Hold on for a
second," said Norman as he dug a piece of paper from his pocket. "I
want you to do me a favor the next time he calls you. Give him my phone number
and ask him to call me," said Norman as he placed the paper in Danny's
hand.
"Sure Mr.
Dinsmore, but I don't know if he'll call me. I haven't talked to him since he
left."
Norman nodded.
"Okay. Just give it to him if he does."
*****
Carol was closing the oven door on a batch of
cookies as Danny's bus stopped outside the house. She poured herself a cup of
coffee, lit a cigarette, and sat down at the kitchen table and waited for him
to come in.
"Hi sweetie. How
was your day?"
"Good," said
Danny as he hung his book bag on a chair and made a beeline
for the fridge. "Except I got a ton of homework."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, so I guess
I won't be able to go out with you and Ted tonight."
"It's Friday and
you have the whole weekend. Couldn't you do it tomorrow?"
"I don't know
mom. I don't think so. It's a bunch of stuff. I got to do
a term paper too."
"I see," said
Carol.
Danny could see the
hurt in his mother's face and it made him feel bad. It wasn't like he was
trying to get out of seeing Ted. It wasn't like that at all. He just needed
time for him self but he couldn't tell her that. "Its not what you think
Mom. I'm not trying to avoid Ted. I just got a lot of work to do."
"If you say so
honey."
Danny opened a can of
Pepsi and sat down with his mom at the table. "So how's it going with the
house? Has any one stopped by to look at it?"
Carol ashed her
cigarette and took a puff. "As a matter of fact, the agent did call
today. She says she thinks someone is going to make an offer."
"That's
good," said Danny as he took a swig from the can.
"I guess, but she
said they were trying to low ball us."
Danny shrugged.
"Have you heard
from Jimmy lately?"
"Uh-huh. I talked
to him yesterday. He says he likes his new school."
"You miss him,
don't you?"
Danny nodded.
"Yeah, its funny. I thought I'd move first. I never thought about him
going," he lied.
"Is his mother
still dating the teacher? What's his name? Mr. Dinsmore?"
"No. Jimmy said they
broke up. One of those long distance things. I think she likes him and every
thing, but it's just too much to deal with."
Carol shook her head.
"I know what she means by the distance. That's why we're selling the
house and moving with Ted. But in a way it surprises me. That day I was over
there, I could have sworn those two were in love." She finished her
cigarette and put it out in the ashtray. "True love is so hard to find.
I hope she's not making a mistake."
"Me too,"
said Danny thoughtfully.
"Okay," said
Carol as she stood up from the table. "You can get started on your
homework and I'll get started on my make-up. Let Ted in and be nice to him,
will you?"
"Sure Mom,"
he said as he turned his cheek for a kiss. He watched her leave the kitchen
for her bedroom and pulled out the cell phone from his pocket and dialed
Brenda's number.
Brenda recognized the
number on the Caller ID and answered it on the second ring. She scolded him
for not calling more frequently. She told him that if he had called ten
minutes later he would have missed her as she was on her way to the salon.
Danny heard the
familiar click of a lighter on the other end of the phone and the sound of
Brenda's breath as she exhaled. He thought of how she must look with the long
brown cigarette between her fingers. He picked a pen off the kitchen table and
held it as he would a cigarette.
"Still smoking
Mores?" asked Danny.
Brenda exhaled.
"Sure am sweetie. Are you still sneaking your mom's Virginia Slims?"
"Yeah, but its not
like I have a choice. I tried to buy a pack of Benson and Hedges yesterday and
the guy at the store carded me."
Brenda giggled.
"The same guy that used to sell them to you when you were dressed like a
woman? The same guy who you said was always staring at your tits?"
"Yeah, that
guy," said Danny. "He doesn't do that any more."
"Poor dear,
giggled Brenda. "I bet you just hate smoking those girly
cigarettes."
"Well it does make
it hard to smoke when I'm out. People would laugh if they saw me smoking those
things."
"Why do you say
that?" asked Brenda? "Do you think you'd look any less silly smoking
a Marlboro?"
Danny sighed into the
receiver. She was right. It wasn't just the brand. It was everything. He'd
smoked in public before and it wasn't any thing like he'd remembered as a
girl. People shunned him and looked down their noses at him.
"I'm sorry,
sweetie. I was just playing. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'll get
Jimmy. I know you called to talk to him."
"Yeah, but I wanted
to say hi to you too. Thanks again for letting Jimmy move in with you and for
signing that quick claim deed. You really saved our lives."
"I know,"
said Brenda. "Hang on and I'll get him for you."
Danny sucked on the pen
as he waited for Jimmy.
"Hey man. How's
it going?" asked Jimmy.
"Not bad. Mom
hasn't sold the house yet, so we're still here. So how are you and Brenda
getting along?"
"She's cool. She
smokes as much as you do but she's not as good a cook."
"I heard that
Jimmy Wilson," said Brenda in the distance.
"Just
kidding," shouted Jimmy away from the phone. "I loved what you did
to those hotdogs last night. What do you call that yellow stuff you put on
them? Mustard?" Jimmy laughed.
"Be cool
dude," said Danny. "You got no where to go if she gets mad at
you."
"Don't worry about
me. She knows I'm kidding her. We had spaghetti last night and it really was
almost as good as yours."
"Good deal,"
said Danny as he looked down the hall before slipping into the garage.
"Hold on a second. I'm going to put the phone down and light a
cigarette." Before Jimmy could answer, Danny laid the phone down and lit
a Virginia Slim and returned the pack to his pocket. He exhaled into the
receiver. "You still there?"
Jimmy grunted.
"I saw Norman
today and he gave me a message to give to you."
"Oh yeah. What's
that?"
He gave me his phone
number and asked me to give it you. He wants you to call him."
Jimmy snickered.
"Did he try to kiss you?"
"Knock it off
dude. That's getting old. Whatever that was is over. I'm not like that any
more and I don't think I ever was."
"Whatever you say
dude, but that's not what Brenda says. She says you're still hot for
teacher."
"Fuck you!"
"Get over it. I'm
just joking."
"Well it aint
funny. Look what's happened?"
"Nothing happened,
said Jimmy. "It's just life. Norman didn't make your mom want to marry
Ted and move to Colorado."
"I guess not, but
it still changed things. Look at you. You're living at Brenda's. Don't you
miss your house?"
"Sure, but this
beats winding up in some shelter or with foster parents. So you really think
you're over him. You don't really love him?"
"I'm a guy and
he's a guy and he's old enough to be my father. What do you think?"
"I don't
now," said Jimmy. His tone was serious and nonjudgmental. "But if
you want to talk about it to someone, you know where to find me."
"Okay man,"
said Danny as he dropped the cigarette to the garage floor and stepped on it
with his sneaker. "I gotta go now. I just wanted to tell you that I saw
Norman up close today and he didn't recognize me. I think everything is going
to be okay."
"Sure it is,"
said Jimmy.
"Okay then. I'll
call you later," said Danny. "Bye." He turned off the phone
and slipped it back in his pocket. He picked up the cigarette butt off the
floor and threw it out beside the driveway where it rested unnoticed in the
grass. He was about to turn around and go back in the house when Ted's car
rolled up the driveway.
What the hell, he
thought. I'll meet him halfway. No sense in pissing the guy off any more than
I already have. He waved and approached the car.
Ted stepped out of the
car with a salesman's smile and shut the door behind him. "How ya doing
sport?"
"Great," said
Danny. "And you?"
"Couldn't be
better," said Ted as he extended his hand. "What's with the school
clothes? I'm taking you and your mom out to a nice dinner."
"Yeah, she told me
about that. Thanks, but I'm jammed with homework. I got a term paper that's
due and stuff like that."
Ted nodded at the
excuse. "You and I really haven't had a chance to talk since I proposed
to your mom and with the way things are, I can't help but feel you're not too
happy about all this."
Danny shook his head.
"I know what it looks like but it's not like that. I'm not saying I want
to move but I'm glad you and my mom are getting married. She loves you and I
think you're good for each other. Its just not personal if that's what you're
thinking."
"You know Danny, I
was your age once. Fifteen, Sixteen, it's a tough age. It's confusing. If
there's anything you want to talk about, I want you to know I'm here for
you."
"Thanks Ted. I
appreciate that, but I'm okay. You'll make me feel bad if I think you and my
mom are worrying about me instead of having a good time."
The sound of the
kitchen door slamming against its frame in the garage caused Danny and Ted to
look toward the house where they saw Carol strolling toward them dressed to the
nines.
"You look fabulous
honey," shouted Ted.
Carol touched her chest
and feigned false modesty.
"Yeah mom. You
look great," said Danny. "When did you get that dress?"
"Oh this?"
asked Carol as she tossed her hips. "Lets just say I did a little
shopping with Ted's credit card while he was busy with his meetings."
"Money well
spent," said Ted.
"Are you sure you
won't change your mind and have dinner with us honey," asked Carol?
Danny put his hands in
his pockets and shook his head. "I'm fine. I'll heat up a hotdog in the
microwave. You all just have a good time and try not to talk about me behind
my back."
"We worry about
you honey."
"Your mother's
right," said Ted as he put a fatherly hand on his shoulder.
Danny felt the urge to
move but stood his ground so as not to offend Ted. "It's like I said.
I'm fine. But I'll tell you if anything's bothering me. You better go or
you'll be late."
Carol kissed him on the
cheek and Ted punched his shoulder. It actually stung a bit, but he tried not
to show it. He waved at them as Ted backed the car down the driveway. He
stood on the pavement and followed the headlights until they were out of sight
before turning back to the house.
I thought they'd never
leave; he thought to him self as he pushed open the door to the kitchen and lit
a cigarette. He sucked down a lungful of smoke as he looked at his watch. It
was only six o'clock. That meant he'd have at least four or five hours to
smoke his head off while playing dress up in his mother's clothes. He opened
the cupboard and reached for his mother's carton of Virginia Slims and removed
a fresh pack before heading upstairs to his mother's bedroom.
He was giddy with
excitement and haunted by guilt as he rummaged through his mother's dresser.
He couldn't help but notice the finery of his mother's silks as he held them up
for inspection. These are some nice panties, he thought.
He'd been home for a
week and this was the first opportunity he had to dress up. He stripped off
his clothes and threw them in to a pile, breathing a sigh of relief as he
stepped into the panties and allowed the elastic band to snap against his
waist. He swallowed hard as his penis expanded and pushed against the silk.
God, I'm such a faggot,
he thought as he sat down on the bed and slipped his feet into the hose and
pulled them over his shaved legs. He didn't want to do this. He swore up and
down that he wouldn't but here he was! He got up from the bed and walked
toward his mother's closet. It beckoned him in the way heroin calls for an
addict. He brushed his hand across the dresses and blouses as they hung from a
tension rod on hangers. Why had he never noticed his mother's clothes before?
She had terrific taste! Fantastic! Fabulous! God, I'm such a freak. I can't
help myself. His hand came to rest on a simple white blouse. He plucked it
from the closet and held it in his hand as he searched for the skirt that would
best do it justice. Ah yes, he sighed. This is it. This will do.
He laid the skirt and
the blouse on the bed and walked back to his mother's dresser and chose a bra
from one of the drawers. He cursed himself for having left the breast forms
back at Jimmies. But he had done so on purpose. This was exactly the kind of
thing he was trying to avoid. Oh yeah, just like the cigarettes. He wasn't
going to smoke either.
He put his arms through
the loops of his mother's bra and expertly fastened the hooks behind his back.
I need to stop this, he thought, as he stuffed the cups with panties from his
mother's drawer.
He was still arguing
with himself as he buttoned the blouse and stepped into the skirt. He
rationalized that it wasn't so bad. It was just clothes. What's the harm?
It's not like I'm going to put on make-up, well just a little, maybe. He lit a
cigarette and sat down at his mother's vanity. This isn't even my color, he
thought as he pulled the cap from his mother's lipstick. What the hell, it
still feels nice, he thought. And what was the deal with the blush? Did she
buy it on sale at Eckerd's? Okay, maybe just a little, he thought as he
brushed his cheeks. He didn't stop until he'd done his eyes and his nails.
All that was left to do was his hair, but since he'd left his wig at Jimmy's,
he'd just have to do without. I wouldn't have worn it even if I had it, he
told him self.
He stood up from the
vanity and lit a cigarette. I need a better view, he thought as he walked over
to his mother's full-length mirror. He held the cigarette beside his cheek and
threw his hips out, striking a pose.
The first thing he
noticed was that with his short hair and light make-up, he looked more like a
young woman than the middle aged Olivia Wilson. There was a resemblance, but
it was fleeting. Nonetheless, he was gorgeous. The other thing he noticed was
the way his skirt poked out in the front. He pulled up his penis with his hand
to make it less obvious but even that didn't help much. He was absolutely
disgusted by his lack of control and the excitement he felt. He gritted his
teeth as a tear formed at the corner of his eye. Fighting the feeling was
useless. He had lost the battle and the woman within had won. To the victor
go the spoils, thought Danny as he wrapped his lips around the cigarette and
pulled the smoke deep into his lungs. He exhaled toward the mirror and watched
as the corners of his lips turned into a sultry smile. He sighed with relief.
"Fuck it," he said. "I'm a woman."
He picked out a pair of
high heels from his mother's closet and squeezed his feet into them. They were
a little small, but it was better than going without. He chose a purse that
seemed to go with the skirt and threw it over his shoulder and made his way
down stairs.
This is who I am, he
thought as he poured a glass of wine from his mother's bottle in the fridge.
He took a sip and smiled at the lipstick stain he'd left on the rim of the
glass. He lit a cigarette and alternated between puffs of smoke and sips of
wine until he'd finished the glass. The wine did little to ease his shame.
What was he ashamed
of? He laughed out loud at the question he had posed to himself. Did he
really have to ask? He lifted his hand and let it rest upon the stuffed cup of
his mother's bra. Real women are so lucky, he thought. They don't know how
lucky they are. For a split second he found himself resenting women like his
mother, Brenda and the late Olivia Wilson. They didn't know how good they had
it. How could they? They took their femininity for granted. It just wasn't
fair.
He took a seat at the
kitchen table and made use of his mother's ashtray while he struggled to make
sense of his feelings. He looked at the pack of Virginia Slims and thought
about his mother. He loved her. He lifted the cigarette to his lips and
inhaled the smoke deep into his lungs, mentally imitating her, feeling the
smoke and the clothing from her point of view. It was so much different than
how he had perceived it as her son. I'm just like her, he thought as he took
another puff from the cigarette. The thought filled him with pride. But what
would she think if she saw me like this? The shame rolled back.
His mom had said he
could tell her anything. But this? She wouldn't understand. How could she?
He didn't understand it himself. She had thought he was gay. Even so, it
would have meant he was still a boy and her son. He looked down over his
padded breasts to the skirt flowing over his thighs. This isn't gay. This is
something else. And whatever this is, it's fucked up. He put out the
cigarette in the ashtray and lit another one.
He wondered why there
had to be so many different rules for guys and girls. These are just clothes,
he thought as he stroked his penis through the skirt. But he never felt this
good in jeans. In a perfect world it wouldn't matter what he wore or that he
smoked. But this wasn't a perfect world and he knew it.
It wasn't just the
clothes. It was everything else about being a guy or being a girl. He thought
about Ted and his mom. They were both people, but Ted was the guy and that
made him the leader. He was the one with the big important job. He was the
reason they were moving to Colorado. As a woman, his mother took a back seat
to Ted. Her role was to support him, to be there for him, to comfort him. It
could never be the other way around. Men don't serve women. Women serve men.
He himself had served Norman.
Danny took a puff from
his cigarette as he thought about the teacher. What was he doing now? He
cringed as he thought of how he'd hurt the man. He'd broken Norman's heart.
For as long as Danny lived, he would never forget the pain in Norman's eyes
when "Olivia" broke up with him.
I miss him, he
thought. I miss the feeling of belonging to him, of being his girlfriend.
Danny had felt safe in the teacher's embrace. And he had enjoyed making Norman
feel like a man. Still, those feelings came with much reservation. It wasn't
in his nature to love a man, but Norman wasn't any man. He was Norman. It was
different, but how? Danny didn't know why it was different but it was. Ted
was a man, and a good looking man at that, but Danny wasn't attracted to him in
the slightest sense.
As far as Danny knew,
he had always liked girls. He'd never even considered the idea of becoming
another guy's lover until Norman. And Norman was straight! For some reason
that mattered to him a great deal. He him self wasn't gay and he didn't want
to be with a gay man. What was he thinking about? This is insane! I don't
want to be with a man at all, but...if I were a girl- a real girl, I'd want to
be with Norman...
*****
Norman slipped the bartender a few bills and
sipped at his imported beer, the latest of several he'd had in the past couple
of hours. He looked around the bar, studying the other patrons. How many of
them were also here drowning a broken heart?
He spied a very
attractive red-head dressed in fashionable business attire sitting a few stools
down. He couldn't help but notice that she bore a striking resemblance to
Olivia and tried not to stare, but he still studied her out of the corner of
his eye. She reached into the purse and pulled out a familiar gold box, the
same brand of cigarettes that Olivia smoked.
Of course, Norman
thought sullenly. She would be a smoker.
"Excuse me, do you
have a light?" the woman asked as she moved down and sat next to him.
Norman instinctively reached
for the lighter he'd carried while dating Olivia, but it wasn't there. He'd
stopped carrying it. There wasn't any need to. He reached into a nearby bowl
for a book of matches, sparked a match to life and offered the flame. The woman
leaned forward with a smile and placed her cigarette to it.
"Thank you,"
she said, exhaling, "Such a gentleman."
She offered a
well-manicured hand. "Hi, I'm Connie."
Well, at least her name
isn't Olivia, Norman thought sullenly as he shook her hand with a
self-deprecating smirk.
"I'm Norman. Nice
to meet you."
*****