"Don't be mad
at Danny, Mrs. Brown. It isn't his fault. The things that happened in the
past and the things that will happen in the future are directly attributable to
you."
Carol gasped!
"Are you saying that I had something to do with this? He may not have had
a father but I did my best to raise him and I certainly didn't raise him to do what
he did in the kitchen!"
"I'm not
suggesting you did. You were just being your self and in this case, that's all
it took. "Don't you see Mrs. Brown? Danny loves you very much. He loves
you so much that he wants to emulate you. You're his role model."
Carol was relieved
that Dr. Limpkey wasn't berating her, but she hadn't relieved her of
responsibility in the matter either, and this was unsettling. She couldn't
bare the thought of being responsible for what she had seen in the kitchen.
"What about Jimmy Wilson," she asked? "Did you ask him about
Jimmy."
"Mrs. Brown. I
assure you that Jimmy and Danny are not lovers. I've been doing this for a
long time and I know how to do my job. I can tell when people are lying to me
and Danny has been as honest as possible, considering the circumstances. No
one is blaming you. It's not like that. I'm just trying to tell you that
Danny loves and admires you. He's not emulating Jimmy Wilson. He's emulating
you. He wants to dress like you and smoke like you. In short, Mrs. Brown, he
wants to be you."
"He does?"
asked Carol."
"Yes Mrs.
Brown."
Carol looked at
Danny. Her anger was replaced with a look of astonishment. "Is this true
Danny?"
They boy swallowed
hard. "I don't know Mom. It's just kind of hard to talk about. I don't
think I'm sure of anything any more."
Carol was
flabbergasted. "When did this happen? Why didn't you say something so we
could have at least talked about it? I could have gotten help."
"I don't know
mom. I guess I thought you'd be mad." His stomach was churning. What
had he done? How could he undo it? "I'm sorry mom. I won't do it
again. I promise."
"It's not as
easy as that," said Dr. Limpkey. "You can't go against your
nature."
"What are you
talking about?" cried Danny. "This isn't my nature. I'm not gay.
It's not like that at all."
"Relax Danny.
I never said you were gay, but what would it matter if you are?"
"Then you're
saying he's straight," asked Carol?
"I'm not saying
that either. At this point in the conversation, I'm willing to say there's a
young woman inside Danny who needs to be seen and heard."
Carol rubbed at the
budding headache behind her eyes. "I'm not a doctor, but I read a little
about transgendered people before we came here, and there's something that just
doesn't make sense. I found him in the kitchen wearing my favorite outfit and
smoking cigarettes. That's okay...no, it's not okay, but it makes sense. But
what doesn't make sense is that he was masturbating. I'm a woman and I don't
get aroused when I wear my clothes. So if Danny thinks he's supposed to be a
woman, why did he get excited about wearing my clothes? Shouldn't that have
felt natural to him?"
"That's very
perceptive of you Mrs. Brown, and you're absolutely correct. It doesn't make
sense, at least not from the traditional point of view. Most of my patients
are confused about their gender, meaning they are boys who believe they should
have been born girls. They literally believe they're in the wrong body. Dressing
as a woman doesn't excite them. It makes them feel adequate. The same is true
of Danny. His arousal didn't originate from dressing in your clothes or
smoking your cigarettes. They helped him feel feminine and womanly. Danny was
aroused because he was fantasizing about having sex with a man as a
woman."
"Oh my
God," Carol gasped! "Who was it?" She looked at Danny
accusingly.
"Relax Mrs.
Brown. I wasn't giving you a literal interpretation. I was just speaking
figuratively. Danny's fantasy lover is a composite of all the important men in
his life and yours. This includes his father and your fiancé, as well as
professional athletes, movie idols, and probably even some of his
teachers."
Danny flinched.
"Then we put an
end to it right here and now," said Carol firmly.
"I wish it were
that simple Mrs. Brown, but it's not. We can't extinguish Danny's true
feelings. But we can help him make peace with them. By telling Danny to
suppress his nature you are in affect telling him to conceal it. He tried that
already and you were a witness to the explosive result in the kitchen. This
time it was you who found him in the kitchen. The next time it will be his
future wife or children, and what would happen then? My practice is full of
patients who fell out of the closet by accident. Their lives are in shambles
and I do my best to help them pick up the pieces. We can never 'fix' what
happened to Danny, but we can support him and lead him down an appropriate path
that will at least give him the opportunity to create a happy and meaningful
life for himself."
Danny receded into
the couch like a disinterested third party as his mother talked to the doctor
about his future. His heart filled with remorse and shame as he mentally beat
himself for letting things get so out of hand.
He didn't understand
what they were talking about. Suppress it. Acknowledge it. Support it.
Support what? Was Dr. Limpkey serious about his mother letting him be a girl?
He certainly hoped not.
"So you're
saying I should encourage this," scoffed Carol?
"Do you love
your son Mrs. Brown?"
"Of course I
love my son!"
"Then you
should learn to love him as your daughter."
"I'm
sorry," said Carol. "But this is hard for me to digest. I brought
Danny to you because I thought he had some kind of psychological problem you
could help him with. Aren't there pills for things like this?"
Dr. Limpkey shook
her head. "I appreciate how difficult this is for you. Do you remember
when you called to schedule an appointment?"
Carol nodded.
"You said you
wanted to help Danny. You told me you could handle anything. You thought he
might be addicted to cigarettes and you were right Mrs. Brown. Are you
prepared to deal with his nicotine addiction?"
"Of course I
am," said Carol.
"You also said
you were prepared to deal with Danny's sexual orientation. Gay, straight, it
didn't matter to you when we talked on the phone. But now you're hedging on
the subject of his preferred gender. Why are you having difficulty allowing
Danny to explore and express his feminine side?"
"I don't
know," said Carol. "Gay is gay. It would be different, but not that
much different. I mean he'd still be Danny. He'd be my son, but this, what
you're talking about, it's so much different than anything I ever imagined."
"Really Mrs.
Brown? You mean to tell me that you never suspected Danny of
cross-dressing?"
Carol sighed.
"Well, there was this one time a couple weeks ago when I came back from
Colorado and went to the Wilson house to pick him up. There was this moment,
it was probably the lighting or something like that, well I looked at Olivia,
Jimmy's mom, and for just a moment or two, I thought she looked like
Danny."
"Okay,"
said Dr. Limpkey. "Lets talk about that. Who did you really see when you
went to the Wilson house? Was it Olivia Wilson or was it Danny in a
dress?"
"It was
Olivia."
"Exactly,"
said Dr. Limpkey. "Of course you saw Olivia because it really was Olivia,
but your subconscious saw Danny in a dress, because you've suspected Danny of cross-dressing
for a very long time. Haven't you Mrs. Brown?"
Carol nodded
thoughtfully as she processed the doctor's words. "I suppose that does
make sense. So you're saying I kind of knew about Danny all along but I was
blocking it out?"
"That's exactly
what I'm saying Mrs. Brown."
Danny fought the
urge to puke as the inevitable unfolded in front of him.
"But Ted and I
are getting married. We're moving to Colorado. There's so much to do. This
isn't the right time. Is this something we can do later, after we get
situated?"
"On the
contrary Mrs. Brown. This is the right time. The timing couldn't be better.
You and Ted are starting a new life and so is Danny, as your daughter, as
Danielle."
"Danielle,"
asked Carol?
"Danny is
obviously old enough to choose a name for him self. But a similar sounding
name would make things more convenient."
"So on the
weekends he'll be Danielle and through the week, like when he goes to school,
he'll be Danny?"
"No Mrs.
Brown. He needs to be Danielle seven days a week in order to fully appreciate
what it will be like to be a woman. He'll need a new wardrobe that he can call
his own and he'll need a new female identity."
"Identity,"
asked Carol? "You're talking as if the change will be permanent."
"It's a distinct
possibility. If you want my professional opinion, and I know you do, since
that's why you came to me in the first place, I believe Danny should have
gender reassignment surgery as soon as he turns 18."
Dr. Limpkey took a
deep breath and continued. "The only reason I'm saying Danny should wait
until he's 18 to have the surgery is because that is the minimum age
requirement. In all likelihood he'll have to wait even longer if he takes the
traditional route to becoming a female. There's a lot of red tape
involved."
"I would think
that's a good thing. What if someone changes their mind?"
"With all due
respect Mrs. Brown, I gave Danny a thorough examination and that argument
doesn't hold water. Take a good look at your son Mrs. Brown and tell me what
you see."
Carol looked at
Danny sitting beside her and studied him from head to toe. "What am I
looking for," she asked? "This is my son. I gave birth to him. I
know every inch of him like the back of my hand."
"Take a look at
this physical features. He's a very pretty boy Mrs. Brown and he'd make a very
beautiful woman."
"Okay. But
like you said, he can't have surgery until he's 18, so what's the rush?"
"His body is
changing Mrs. Brown. His personality is becoming increasingly feminine but his
body is becoming increasingly masculine at the same rate. The longer treatment
is withheld from him, the more difficult it will be for him to pass as a
woman."
"I'm not sure I
understand you," said Carol.
"I want you to
look at some pictures Mrs. Brown," said Dr. Limpkey as she pulled two
photographs from a manila folder on her lap. "These are before and after
pictures of one of my former patients."
Carol and Danny both
looked at the photos.
"The one where
he's a boy was taken when he was Danny's age. You know he's a boy just by
looking at his hair cut. However, he's a very pretty boy, much like Danny.
Notice his cheeks and the small Adam's apple. His skin looks soft."
Carol and Danny
agreed with the doctor's description.
"Now I want you
take a look at the same patient after he completed his sex change
surgery."
"He looks like
a guy dressed like a girl," said Danny.
"My point
exactly," said Dr. Limpkey. "He wasn't able to get his surgery until
he was 22. And his body had matured and become masculine by then."
"I see what
you're saying," said Carol. "But it isn't making me feel better. If
anything, I feel worse. You're telling me that Danny needs the surgery right
away but he can't have it."
"I'm telling
you this because Danny doesn't have to suffer the same fate. We have the
ability to stunt Danny's masculinity while enhancing his feminine features. We
can prepare him for life as a woman but we need to start now while he's still a
blank canvas, so to speak."
"This blank
canvas you're talking about," said Carol, "you're saying you can help
Danny become a girl without getting the surgery?"
"Not exactly,
but close. He'd still need the surgery and the sooner the better. I'm just
saying that we have the to paint Danny's blank canvas into a woman. We can
prepare him physically and emotionally for the changes he will undergo. We can
make the transition smoother and improve the end result."
"How would you
do this," asked Carol?
"We'd use an
aggressive combination of experimental female hormones and a new DNA based
cosmetic surgery."
"When you say
'new' and 'experimental', are you saying it's dangerous?"
"Not at all.
Danny's health would never be in jeopardy. The process is 'new' and
'experimental' because it's still in developmental stages and awaiting FDA
approval."
"Then maybe we
should wait until the FDA approves it. I don't want my son to be a guinea pig
for some hair brained experiment."
"He wouldn't
be a guinea pig Mrs. Brown. I know what I'm talking about because I developed
the process and it's my study that's awaiting FDA approval." Dr. Limpkey
grinned like a Cheshire cat. "Mrs. Brown, this is Danny's lucky
day."
The expression on
Carol's face brightened as Danny's dimmed.
"How does it
work," asked Carol?
"As I said earlier,
it's an aggressive combination of hormones and cosmetic surgery. The process
it self isn't new. We've been treating pre-op transexuals for decades using
the same approach. What makes my approach different is the type of hormones
being used and the tissue replacement technology utilized in the cosmetic
surgery."
"The female
hormones are derived from sheep rather than humans."
"Sheep?"
Dr. Limpkey nodded.
"Don't be alarmed Mrs. Brown. Humans and sheep share many DNA
characteristics. It's completely safe and much more effective than human based
hormones. Danny would only need three injections over a one-year period and
the positive affects of the hormones will be almost immediate. As a matter of
fact, the initial injection of hormones will cause his hair to grow 12 inches a
week for the first three weeks. Of course we'd need to remove Danny's
testicles before giving him the injection."
Danny pinched his
thighs together and winced.
"You'd castrate
him," asked Carol.
"Of course we
would," said Dr. Limpkey with a straight face. "It's a common
procedure. Castration interrupts the production of male hormones. Besides
Mrs. Brown, if Danny is going to become a woman, he won't need testicles. Will
he?"
"No. I guess
he wouldn't," said Carol.
"Cosmetic
surgery is the other part of the process."
"Breast
implants," asked Carol?
"Yes, but
instead of using saline or silicone, we use human donor tissue. The sack
membrane that holds the tissue is actually dissolved by the sheep hormones and
this will allow the tissue to bond with Danny's body. His body's immune system
will accept the tissue as his own. We'll use it in his breasts, hips and
buttocks to help him achieve a more look. His body will be indistinguishable
from that of a genetic female, except for his penis, and it will be
reconstructed into vagina when he turns 18. That's another nice thing about
our program Mrs. Brown. Our participants are on the fast track to GRS. His
surgery won't be delayed by red tape."
"This sounds
amazing. It's so science fictionish," exclaimed Carol.
"It's
revolutionary Mrs. Brown. Once this process is approved, it will forever
change the way we help pre-op transexuals realize their true potential."
"It all sounds
so wonderful, but I've always heard how expensive experimental procedures are.
Ted makes good money, but I'm afraid this might be out of our reach."
"That's the
best part Mrs. Brown. Danny would receive the treatment free of charge if you
allow him to participate in the study. Otherwise you're right. The cost would
be in excess of $100,000, but that would be irrelevant because the procedure
isn't available outside of my project."
Carol gasped.
"Are you saying you'd give Danny the procedure for free?"
"That's exactly
what I'm saying Mrs. Brown."
"I can't
believe it," said Carol. "It sounds almost too good to be true. I
can't wait to tell Ted about it and of course Danny and I still need to discuss
it. But it sounds so incredible. When do you need answer?"
Dr. Limpkey looked
at her watch. "I know this is a huge life altering decision but
unfortunately I need your answer in the next ten minutes. The deadline for
registering participants with the FDA expires at five PM today, so I need your
answer now."
"If I said yes,
when would you do the surgery?"
"Almost
immediately. We'd admit him to the hospital tonight and perform the castration
and give him the first injection. We'd perform the cosmetic alterations in the
morning."
Fear coursed through
Danny's veins as he realized how perilously close he was to becoming a girl- a
girl living in Colorado, one without Norman Dinsmore as her boyfriend and Jimmy
Wilson as her son. He wouldn't even be a woman like Olivia. He'd just be a
girl. "No Mom. That's not what I want. I want to be a boy." His
plea for sanity fell on deaf ears as he felt his mother's hand come to rest on
his knee.
"Can I be there
with him when you do it," asked Carol?
"Of course you
can," said Dr. Limpkey sympathetically. "You can be in the room
tonight when we do the testicular procedure and give him the injection.
Afterwards, he'll be given a sedative to help him sleep through the night. He
won't wake up until he's in recovery after the surgery."
"So it won't be
painful?"
"You have my
word on it."
"How long will
he have to stay in the hospital?"
"Not long at
all. It's almost like outpatient surgery. He'll be able to go home within
hours of waking up. You can take him shopping afterwards."
"That's
amazing," said Carol! "Then I should bring some new clothes to the
hospital with me."
"Absolutely,
but I'd suggest a skirt and a loose fitting blouse. He'll be a little sore and
we don't want his clothes to be too constrictive."
"What size
should I get him?"
Dr. Limpkey looked
at Danny and studied his physique and compared it to his mothers. He'll be the
same size as you except for the breasts. You look to be about a 'D' cup.
Danny's implants will fill a 'C' cup at first but once the membrane dissolves
and the hormones kick in, he'll start to grow. I'd say he'll be a 'D' cup like
you in three months or so."
Danny couldn't keep
from staring at his mother's chest. "You mean my breasts will be as big
as hers?"
"Don't worry
honey," said Carol as she patted his leg. "Tylenol helps with the
back pains." She turned to Dr. Limpkey and asked, "What about after
the surgery. This would be so much easier if we weren't moving to Colorado.
Is there some kind of after care follow-up? How do I treat him? Is he going
to be different? There's just so much I don't understand. This is all
happening so fast."
"It's not as
overwhelming as it appears," said Dr. Limpkey calmly. "I'll keep it
simple. Treat Danny just as you would if he had been born your daughter. He's
going to be a girl and you and Ted should treat him as gender appropriately as
possible. You'll also need to bring him back for an office visit in four
months for another injection. There will be one more injection four months
later, and the gender reconstruction surgery will be arranged for his 18th birthday."
"What about
dating," asked Carol? "Should Ted and I encourage him to date
boys?"
"Absolutely,"
said Dr. Limpkey. "Danny's sexuality is undeveloped at this point. In
layman's terms, he could go either way or swing both ways."
"You mean he's
bisexual," asked Carol?
"In a manner of
speaking, yes. But my colleagues and I feel our patients get the maximum
benefit from gender reassignment if their sexuality is confirmed one way or
another."
"By 'one way or
another' you're saying that he might decide he likes women after the surgery?
So he'd be a lesbian?"
Dr. Limpkey nodded.
"It's possible. Would that be a problem for you and Ted?"
"No. I suppose
not. But it just seems that if Danny goes to all the trouble of becoming a
woman, it would make more sense for him to like men."
"I agree.
Being a woman who is attracted to men has its advantages considering the
present political climate and the overall perception of society in
general."
"But Mom,"
said Danny! "I don't want to date boys."
"Relax
Danny," said Dr. Limpkey. "You might feel differently after the
hormones kick in and you have a chance to adjust to your new body. Besides, no
one can force you to date a boy if it's not what you want to do. I'm just
saying your mother should encourage you to explore your femininity. We're
trying to compliment the natural order of things- not change them."
Dr. Limpkey looked
at them both and then looked at her watch. "Are there any other questions
I can answer for you in the next couple minutes or so?"
"Well there is
one," said Carol. "When I was reading about transexuals, I thought I
read where people shouldn't smoke if they're taking hormones."
"That's been
the general consensus among my peers and for good reason, but it doesn't seem
to help our patients kick their habits. The good news is that the sheep
hormones don't interact negatively with nicotine, so it's not as big a problem
as it is with traditional hormones. That's not to say Danny shouldn't give up
smoking if he can and the same goes for you Mrs. Brown. But his risks from
complications due to smoking won't be any greater than yours or the genetic
female population in general. I'll leave that decision entirely up to you and
your new husband. But you might want to consider the fact that Danny has an
emotional attachment to cigarettes because of your smoking and his need to
emulate you. However, we don't allow our patients to smoke 12 hours prior to
surgery, so if you want him to quit, this is as good as time as any since he'll
be sleeping through the most painful part of nicotine withdrawal."
Carol nodded her
understanding and added that she'd give the matter some thought. She then
looked at her son. His expression of fear and confusion pained her.
Danny recognized
this moment as his last opportunity to speak up and tell the truth about what
had really happened. Doing so would put Norman in jeopardy and it would cause
his mother to have second thoughts. If Dr. Limpkey was serious about them
having to make a decision on the spot, Norman's name would be enough for her to
call the whole thing off. She'd want to know more. The offer would expire.
He'd retain his life as a male in exchange for Norman's reputation.
He closed his eyes
and gritted his teeth. Why was he fighting this? Hadn't he already decided
that he wanted to be a girl? He and Brenda had talked about it. It was the
only way for him to have a chance of keeping Norman and to be Jimmy's mother.
And that was the only reason he'd even considered having a sex change- for
Norman and Jimmy.
But this was
different. Norman and Jimmy weren't a part of this male to female equation and
he knew it. His mother and Dr. Limpkey weren't talking about turning him into
Olivia Wilson. This was about him becoming Danielle Brown, his mother's
daughter. It was one thing to sacrifice his masculinity in exchange for having
Norman and Jimmy, but it was another to just give it away. But by giving it
away, he'd be protecting the ones he loved most.
He opened his eyes
and looked directly at his mother. "I want to do this Mom. I want to be
your daughter more than anything in the world."
"Oh
sweetie," exclaimed Carol as she hugged up her boy. "I love you so
much. I'd do anything to make you happy."
Dr. Limpkey smiled
with relief as she removed a stack of forms from the manila folder on her lap.
*****
Danny tried his best
to be brave as he held his mother's hand but he couldn't stop the silent tears
from raining down his cheeks. Although he'd never witnessed an inmate's death
by lethal injection, he imagined it must look and feel something like this.
The difference being that he hadn't been offered a last meal or cigarette. The
nurse was standing over a tray of surgical equipment drawing anesthesia from a
vial into a syringe.
"I'm scared
Mom."
"I am too
sweetie, but its what you want, right?"
"Sure it
is," said Danny with a weak smile.
Carol ran her
fingers through his hair. "Dr. Limpkey said your hair will grow two
inches over night. That's amazing isn't it?"
Danny nodded.
"I guess you won't be after me all the time about getting a hair
cut."
Carol kissed him on
the forehead. "Not so fast, we can go to the salon together now. I saw
this place at the mall called Beautiful Secrets. Maybe I can make us an
appointment when you're feeling up to it."
Danny recognized the
name immediately as Brenda's salon. He grinned through the irony. "That
sounds nice Mom. I'd like that."
The nurse walked up
to the gurney and made small talk while swabbing the vein in his arm with
alcohol and telling him he'd feel a slight sting.
Danny flinched as
the needle broke his skin. He breathed in deeply, smiled and closed his eyes.
Dr. Limpkey arrived
several minutes later with a male doctor. She walked up to Carol and put a
reassuring hand on her shoulder. "You made the right decision Mrs.
Brown."