A Mother's Love
By slimv and Victor G.
Part 12
“Damn Mom! You sure can suck cock!” shouted Jimmy as he slapped his
knees and roared with laughter. “Look at her go!”
“That's
not your mother,” said a woman's voice. “That's not even a real girl,” she
giggled.
Danny
recognized Brenda's voice. What is she doing here? And why are she and Jimmy
being so mean?
Danny
tried in vain to see the shifting, hazy images around him, but somehow his
vision couldn’t focus in on them. He struggled to breathe, but something
blocked his airway. His eyes bulged with horror as his mind connected the dots
in the darkness. He was being raped! Not up the ass but in the mouth. He
struggled to pull away, but two strong hands held him in place firmly and
painfully by the ears.
“So
you want to be a girl, huh, Danny?” sneered the male voice from above. “Then
you'll love this, sissy boy!”
“Stick
it in his ass when you're through, Mr. D!” shouted Jimmy from somewhere in the
swirling room.
“Looks
like our little Danielle is hot for teacher!” taunted Brenda.
“Just
another bimbo,” grunted Norman as he ground his hips against Danny's face. “But
he’s the best head I've had in a long time, better than that little slut Ashley
Bane, that's for sure!”
Danny
screamed himself awake and bolted upright in the hospital bed. In a panic, he
clutched at his chest, terrified at what he expected to find there. To his
surprise, beneath the flimsy hospital gown was his usual flat, boyish chest. He
collapsed back on the bed, confused but relieved.
“Bad
dream?” a nearby familiar male voice asked gently. Danny looked over to see Ted
sitting in a chair next to the bed, a magazine in his lap.
“Ted?”
Danny asked, propping himself on one elbow. “What are you doing here? Where’s
Mom?”
Ted
sat the magazine aside and leaned forward, a genuine look of concern pasted to
his face. “She’s outside having a cigarette. She feels terrible about what she
almost let happen to you, and she’s been pacing the floor all night and this
morning waiting for you to wake up so she can apologize.”
Danny
reached down under the covers to feel his crotch, reassuring himself everything
was as it should be. He didn’t care if Ted noticed or not.
Ted
smiled awkwardly. “Don’t worry. Everything’s still there. You just got a heavy duty
dose of anesthesia, that’s all.”
“What
happened?” Danny replied. “Why’d they stop?”
“Dr.
Avery – he works with Dr. Limpke – he had a talk with your mother after they
put you under. It seems that Limpke didn’t have your best interests in mind
when she recommended the procedure. I think she was just looking to tweak her
own research and was using you as a guinea pig. She might end up losing her medical
license over this.”
Danny looked under the sheets at his unaltered body. For a moment, he
felt a twinge of guilt that Dr. Limpke was in so much trouble, but he reminded
himself if she’d gotten her way, he’d be a girl now. He looked at Ted
curiously. “I guess I still don’t understand everything, but I know I didn’t
like that doctor. She did seem to be pushing me into this surgery against my
will. I didn’t know what to do.”
“Yeah, I know. But it’s all okay now,” Ted said, leaning forward to pat
him on the arm.
Danny smiled awkwardly. “Thanks, but to be honest, you’re the last person
I expected to see after what happened in the kitchen.” He shook his head and
turned away. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget that look on your face when you
and Mom walked in and saw me, well you know, when I was doing that stuff in the
kitchen.”
Ted
looked away and shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. “Yeah, I’m sorry about
that, too. I completely overreacted.”
Danny
focused on the olive drab wall as he spoke. “No, not really. I don’t blame you,
I’d have done the same thing I if were you,” he said, feeling a tidal wave of
embarrassment.
Ted
understood how difficult this was for Danny to admit and smiled kindly. “Hey,
it’s no big deal. Most boys your age fool around with themselves at one time
or another.”
“Maybe
they do,” said Danny humbly, “but not in their mother’s clothes.”
Ted shrugged, uncertain of how to respond. “I think you’re right about
that, but I’m not going to judge you over it. And it’s certainly no reason to
cut you up for some stupid experiment. You just need a little help, that’s
all.”
Danny nodded, wondering just what kind of help Ted meant. He looked at
his mother’s boyfriend and smiled weakly, realizing that they were slowly
bridging the gap between them. He didn’t want to ruin it by saying the wrong
thing. “Thanks, Ted. Thanks for understanding.”
Ted smiled back. “You bet, pal.” He leaned forward with a genuinely
concerned expression. “Look, don’t be too hard on your mom, okay? She’s been
through a lot the past couple of weeks. First off, she feels completely
horrible about missing Christmas with you and now she feels threatened by this
Olivia woman, like you’re being taken away from her.”
Danny sat up in bed. “She feels threatened… by Mrs. Wilson?” Danny made
sure to call Olivia by the name he was supposed to call her in front of others.
Still, it seemed unnatural to talk about Olivia in the third person, as if she
were another person entirely.
Ted nodded. “Yeah, she does. Think about it. You’ve always spent a lot of
time at Jimmy’s and then you end up spending Christmas Day with someone else’s
mother. How do you think that made your mom feel?”
She could have made it back here if she really wanted to, Danny
thought glumly. And besides, I wasn’t spending that time with someone else’s
mother. I spent it as someone else’s mother.
“I guess it didn’t make her feel very good,” Danny replied hollowly.
“Look, your mom’s ready to pull her hair out over missing Christmas with
you. And believe me, we really did try to get back here Christmas Eve. We just
didn’t count on that blizzard shutting everything down. So if you want to blame
someone, blame me. It was my idea to stay longer. I’m the one that messed
things up.”
Danny picked at the lint on his blanket, trying not to appear like a
pouting child. Be careful what you wish for, he thought. Although he wouldn’t
admit it to Ted, he’d set his mother up to fail him. As Olivia he’d told her
to take his time. As him self, on the phone with her, he’d practically begged
her not to rush home, so he could have more time as Olivia. So why was he
taking it out on her now? Why was he making her back pedal? As Olivia, he
hadn’t needed a mother. It was enough for him to be Jimmy’s mom. But that
wasn’t the case now. He was lying in a hospital bed still groggy from
anesthesia. He’d awoken from a terrible dream. He needed his mother now.
This must be how Jimmy feels, but worse, he thought. “I know it’s nobody’s
fault,” he said, not sounding convinced, “I was just disappointed, that’s all.”
“I know, buddy, and I feel just as bad as your mom does about it all. Just
take it easy on her, please,” Ted said, “Her head’s not in the right place. She
feels like you’re slipping away from her. And then when she found you in her
clothes masturbating and smoking her cigarettes… It threw her for a complete
loop, and she’s having a little trouble getting over it.”
“She could have listened to me. I was just experimenting. I don’t really
want to be a girl.” No, not a girl, he thought. Ashley Bane is a girl.
Olivia Wilson is a woman. It’s different.
Ted nodded sympathetically. “I agree. She should have listened to you.
But that quack Limpke was very persuasive, especially to someone in your mom’s
fragile mental condition. It didn’t take much to get your mom to go along with
her idiotic ideas. Besides, Carol really thought she was trying to help you.”
Help me? Danny thought incredulously. By cutting me up like some lab
rat? He sat back in bed, rubbing his eyes in frustration. God! He was so
confused! Nothing about any of this felt right. Apples and oranges, he
thought. Just because they’re both fruit doesn’t make it the same thing.
Danielle isn’t Olivia and Olivia isn’t a girl. And me? I’m the biggest loser
of all.
He shook his head and pushed aside the thought. “I know, Ted. But I can’t
believe any mom would let that happen to their child.”
I’d have never done that to my son. I’d have listened to him before I
listened to some crazy doctor trying to further her own ends. I’d have
protected him, the way a good mother should. But isn’t this my fault too? I
never said anything. I never told her the truth. I couldn’t. I had to
protect Jimmy and Norman.
Ted was trying to find the words to respond when the door swung open and
Carol walked in, wearing worry on her face. Danny could see streaks in her
makeup where she’d been crying. When she saw her son sitting up in bed, she
squealed with delight and ran to his bed.
“Oh baby!” she said, wrapping her arms around him and kissing him
violently on the face and head as she burst into tears. “I am so so sorry!”
She pulled him tightly to her and began crying. “What was I thinking?
What was I going to let them do to you?”
She rose up and took his face in her hands. “You tried to tell me. You
tried to tell me and I didn’t listen. What kind of a mother am I?” She pulled
him back to her in another fierce embrace, tears streaming down her face. “I’m
taking you home today and we’re going to leave this awful place, okay, honey?
And I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
Danny awkwardly hugged her back. “It’s okay, Mom,” he said, trying to
sound sincere. But inside, he wondered if things would ever be the same between
them.
*****
Later that day, Carol and Danny pulled into their driveway. Danny looked
at the yard quizzically.
“Where’s the For Sale sign?” he asked.
“There’s been a change in plans,” said Carol as they got out of the car
and grabbed Danny’s things. “Given what’s happened, I took it off the market
until we could get things more situated with you.”
“What? We’re not moving?” Danny asked, an alarming thought creeping into
his mind. “You and Ted aren’t breaking up, are you? Not because of me?”
“No honey, of course not,” Carol said reassuringly as she unlocked the
front door of the house and let them in, “Ted and I love each other very much
and we both love you. I’m hoping that some day you’ll understand how much he does
love you.”
Danny thought about Ted’s unquestioning support in the hospital. “So… Ted
got his old job back?” he asked hopefully, wondering if he’d see his mother’s
boyfriend again.
“No. He’s still taking the promotion,” said Carol with a small frown.
They set Danny’s things down in the hall and walked to the kitchen.
Weird, he thought. It’s my home but it’s not my home. Deep down, he missed
living in Olivia’s home. It had just been a house when he had visited as
Jimmy’s friend. But as Olivia, he had made it much more. He had turned it
into a home for the two of them. Despite his mother’s efforts, this home was
not as comforting as Olivia’s.
Carol led him into the kitchen and sat at the table. She pulled a pack of
Virginia Slims from her purse and lit up. On the way home from the hospital, she’d
given her son an ultimatum to quit smoking. He had asked if they were quitting
together and she’d said no, citing her privilege as an adult woman and mother.
But she had offered him her unwavering support in his own attempt to quit.
Hypocritical? Perhaps. Responsible and justified? Absolutely.
She looked at Danny as he sat down across from her. “Ted’s still going on
to Colorado, honey. We’ll join him later, once we know everything’s okay.”
“What does that mean?” Danny asked, alarmed. “You mean once I’m
okay?”
“No, honey, that’s not what I mean,” Carol replied, a little too
defensively, “I just mean once we’re sure everything is all right. With
the house and all. Nothing’s changed, we’ve just postponed things for a little
while, that’s all.”
Danny frowned as he mentally translated her excuse. What she meant to
say is that they would move when she was certain her freak of a son was okay.
Why not say what she really means, he thought as he cast an envious look at his
mother’s pack of Virginia Slims. God, I’d love one of those right now, he
thought as his eyes honed in on his mother’s exhale. He turned his thoughts
back to the problem at hand. Things aren’t going to get any better until I
pitch in and start talking. I have to let her know that I’m going to be
alright so she can get on with her life.
“You know, Mom, I’m really sorry about what happened. I never should
have… I shouldn’t have done that in your clothes.”
“I know, sweetie. It was wrong,” Carol replied, trying to block out the
image of her son wearing her makeup and clothes and smoking her cigarettes,
masturbating. She shuffled uncomfortably in her chair.
Danny sensed her uneasiness, but he knew he had to stop her from making
yet another rash decision that would affect both their lives. He leaned forward
and gripped her hand. “It happened though, Mom, and I can’t make it go away.
But I promise I won’t ever do it again.”
Carol smiled sadly and squeezed his hand. “Don’t make any promises you
can’t keep, honey. You’re a boy and you can’t stop nature. Just don’t do it in
my clothes, okay?”
Danny chuckled awkwardly. “Never ever again.” He got up to pour himself a
glass of water to take his mind off his nicotine cravings and sat back down. “I
just don’t see why you and Ted have to screw things up because I screwed up so
bad. I know we’ve got a lot to deal with but we can do it in Colorado. We
don’t have to stay here because of me.”
“Yes we do,” said Carol as she took a nervous drag from her cigarette.
“Dr. Limpke is a quack and a total bitch, but she was right about one thing.
You did what you did and feel the way you do because of me. I didn’t do enough
to help you. I should have spent more time with you.”
Danny shook his head vigorously. “That’s not true, Mom! You’re a
wonderful mother and I love you very much. You didn’t do anything wrong!
Don’t let her get in your head like this. It’s like you said. She’s a quack!”
Carol smiled sadly. “You’re sweet, honey, but don’t try to make me feel
any better. I’ve had a lot of time to think about things and she was right. I
haven’t spent enough time with you. I’ve been a full-time employee to my job
and full-time girlfriend to Ted but I’ve only been a part-time mother to you and
I’m going to do something about that starting now. I know I’ve got a lot to
make up for but I’m going to do it one day at a time.”
She took a deep breath and put out her cigarette and, without even
thinking about it, took another from the pack and lit it. “I’m not saying it’s
going to be easy. These feelings you’re having about being a girl or being
like me, we’ll see someone about them. Someone who really knows what they’re
talking about this time. I know we’re not going to solve the problem overnight,
but we’re going to get through this. Together.”
Carol guiltily looked at the cigarette in her hand and stubbed it out in
the ashtray. She then got up from her seat and took a small box out of the
kitchen cabinet. She pulled something from the box that looked like a square
band-aid.
“I got these nicotine patches that time you went on a rant about wanting
me to quit. They didn’t work for me but maybe they will for you. There’s only
three left, but I’ll get you some more tomorrow,” she said as removed the adhesive
from the patch. She had Danny pull his shirt collar aside and then stuck the
patch against the bare skin on his shoulder. “It will help a lot with your
physical craving, but it won’t work unless you get your mind straight and focus
on quitting. You have to make your mind up that you won’t smoke anymore.
Promise me Baby that you won’t smoke like Mommy.”
“I promise, Mom,” Danny said, fighting back the tears as he ran his
fingers over the patch. He knew she was only doing what she felt was best for him.
Any mother would do the same for her son. And as a mother, he did the same for
Jimmy by convincing him to quit smoking. But he wasn’t Jimmy and he didn’t
exactly feel like himself, either. This was different and he wanted to tell
her so. By making him quit smoking, she was taking a part of Olivia away from
him. And that meant she was taking Olivia away from Jimmy.
“I know you must think I’m a terrible hypocrite,” she said as she looked
at her pack of Virginia Slims lying on the table, “But I’m not trying to be.
I’m an adult woman, Danny, and you’re a fifteen-year-old boy. You’re my child
and I want to do what’s best for you. I know that Mrs. Wilson and I have set
terrible examples for you and Jimmy by smoking in front of you. Things like
that wouldn’t happen in a perfect world, but this isn’t a perfect world.
Smoking is an adult habit. It’s acceptable for Mrs. Wilson and I to smoke,
drink, have sex, vote for the president of the United States, and do whatever
else it is that adults do because we’re adults. It’s that simple.”
She looked at him and tried to gauge whether or not he was absorbing her
reasoning. “I know you’ve been smoking for a while now, so I’m not going to
insult your intelligence by suggesting you don’t really like it or you’re just
doing it to look cool. But this isn’t about whether or not you like to smoke.
This is about me telling you that you can’t do it anymore. Do you understand
what I’m saying?”
Danny shook his head. “I guess so, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’m
almost 16 you know, so that means I’ll be able to smoke in a couple years when
I turn 18. So what’s the difference between a couple of years if I’m probably
going to do it any way?”
“A couple of years is a long time for a boy your age. A lot of things
can happen between now and then.”
“Like what,” asked Danny?
“Well for starters, you could get a girlfriend who doesn’t smoke and
doesn’t want you to do it either.”
“Oh, so you’re saying I should fall in love with someone who doesn’t
really love me for who I am. It seems to me that if someone really loved me,
it shouldn’t matter if I smoked or not. Ted doesn’t smoke and I never see him
getting on your case about quitting.”
“That’s because he doesn’t get on my case. But this isn’t about me.
It’s about you. Just wear the patch and don’t smoke, okay? When you’re an
adult you can make the decision for yourself but until then, it’s my choice.”
*****
Later that night, trying to fall asleep, Danny lay on his bed, touching
his flat chest through his cotton pajamas. He juggled thoughts of things that
could never be and things that had almost come to pass. Would it have been so
terrible, he wondered, if Dr. Limpke had gotten her way? It wasn’t what he
wanted but if it had happened, could he have grown up to be a woman just like
Olivia? Could he have had a son like Jimmy and a husband like Norman?
I don’t want to be like Olivia, he thought. I want to be her and that’s
a whole lot different. None of it matters if I can’t have Jimmy and Norman.
I’m better off being me.
He moved his hand from his chest to his shoulder and felt the patch. “If
I was Olivia, I could have a cigarette,” he whispered to himself before closing
his eyes and falling off to sleep.
Carol looked inside Danny’s room and gazed down upon her sleeping son.
She closed the door once she was satisfied that he was indeed asleep and safe
in his bed under her roof. He’s safe, she thought. No thanks to me, but he’s
safe.
After taking off her makeup and choosing a nightgown, she stood in front
of her closet looking at her favorite dress, the one Danny had desecrated in
the kitchen. How many other things of hers had he defiled?
She turned on the TV and lit a cigarette before climbing into bed. Why
does everything have to be so hard, she wondered? She’d almost allowed an
unethical doctor to mutilate her son against his wishes. He’d begged her not
to go along with it, but she had overruled him and sided with a doctor who knew
next to nothing about him.
It bothered her that she had sought an explanation from a doctor before
asking her own son to explain the problem first hand. “I never even listened
to him,” she said out loud.
And what have I done since we got home? Nothing! I put a nicotine patch
on his arm and told him not to smoke. I never asked him why he did what he did
or why he feels the way he does.
Ignore the problem and it will go away.
Ignore the problem and it will blow up in my face.
She put out her cigarette and stared at the television while questioning
her competence as a mother.
She bowed her head and prayed. “Please god, help me do what’s best for
my son.”
*****
“Thanks for coming over, man,” said Danny as he pushed his thumb against
the Play Station’s control, nearly lopping off the head of Jimmy’s knight, “I
don’t get to see you as much now that you’re living with Brenda and going to
another school.”
“Yeah, I know, sorry about that, dude,” Jimmy grunted as he concentrated
on the game, mashing his fingers against the game controller, trying to keep up
with his friend. “It’s not as easy to get over here from across town.”
Danny nodded solemnly, not wanting to admit how much he missed his
friend. “But I still miss seeing you everyday. And so does Ol–”
“Damn, dude!” Jimmy interrupted, oblivious to what his friend was about
to say, “You sure play a hell of a lot better without those long nails.”
Danny glanced at his bedroom door, making sure it was closed so that his
mother couldn’t overhear them. Making sure it was all right, he turned his
attention back to the game. “I’ve always been better than you, bud,” he said as
he plunged the sword into the opposing knight’s armor, winning the game. “I
just let you win when I was your mom. That’s what moms are supposed to do, you
know. Make their kids feel good about themselves.”
Jimmy looked sideways at his friend, noticing the scowl of disappointment
on Danny’s face. He tossed the game controller aside and turned to face him. “Hey
man, I know you’re mad at your mom, but she’s still your mom. You said it
yourself, you kind of wanted it to happen.”
Danny thought about his response for a moment. “Yeah, but not like that.
This thing I’m feeling, whatever it is, I don’t feel it because I want to be a
girl. It’s not the same if I can’t be your mother. That’s who I wanted to be,
not some girl.”
“I know,” said Jimmy. “It took me a while to figure that out. You said
it all the time, but I didn’t really get it until Brenda explained it to me.”
“Is she really as bad of a cook as you say?”
Jimmy rolled his eyes. “Worse,” he said, “She can barely boil water.”
Danny chuckled. “But you like her, though, right? She’s taking good care
of you?”
“Well yeah, but not like you did. She’s more like a friend.”
“Well, what’s so bad about that? You and I are friends. Best friends.”
“Yeah, we are now, sitting here like this, but it was different when you
were my mom. I know it sounds weird, but I really respected you because you
were a great mother.”
Danny felt a wave of sadness. “And now that I can’t be her anymore, it
feels like you lost her again, doesn’t it?” he asked.
Jimmy nodded with a wry smile. “Yeah, I guess it does. To be honest, I
was kind of worried about coming over and seeing you today. I mean I wanted to
and everything, but I was wondering what it would be like because I knew it
would be different.”
“Then why are you smiling at me like that?” asked Danny
“I don’t know. It’s nothing. I guess I just miss the way you used to
smell, like cigarettes and perfume and makeup. You used to smell like my mom
and now you smell like some dumb kid with a nicotine patch on his arm. How’s
it working anyway?”
“It sucks! I hate it.”
“Yeah, Brenda couldn’t believe it when I told her you quit smoking.”
“So tell me about the house again? You had it all sold and then the
buyer backed out?”
“All I know is the bank didn’t give him the loan like he said they
would.”
“What about all your stuff? Is it still in the house?”
“Yeah, for the most part. I got a lot of my stuff, but I never got the
chance to go back and get my mom’s. I was afraid Norman might be watching the
house.”
Danny felt a small shiver knowing that Olivia’s things weren’t shoved
away in some storage facility somewhere. “Cool,” he said, trying to play off
his excitement.
Jimmy paused for a moment, unsure of what to say. He looked at his friend
uncertainly. “You know, since I haven’t sold the house yet… maybe my mom could
come visit again sometime? Just for a night or so? I kind of miss her. I mean,
you. I mean, you as her. I mean, I miss my real mom, but I miss you as my mom,
too.”
Danny’s heart leapt for joy. He fought the urge to hug his friend in a
motherly fashion. But the feeling was quickly replaced by one of uncertainty.
He looked away, unable to meet his friend’s hopeful gaze. “I… don’t know,
Jimmy. Things are too crazy right now, you know? I mean, with my mom being back
and all.”
Jimmy
nodded, understanding his friend’s confusion. “Yeah, no problem. I just thought
she might want to come back sometime.”
Danny looked at him, tears welling up in his eyes. “Yeah, maybe.
Someday.”
“Okay,” Jimmy said, sounding a little disappointed. He looked at his
watch. “Hey man, I’ve gotta go. I’ve got some studying to do.”
He stood up as did Danny and they both walked to the bedroom door.
“See ya, man,” Jimmy said.
Danny reached out and pulled his friend to him in a fierce, motherly hug.
“I’m sorry, honey. I just can’t be there right now,” he said in his Olivia
voice as he stroked Jimmy’s hair affectionately.
Jimmy felt tears forming in his eyes. “I know.”
He pulled away, wiping the tears from his eyes. He placed his hand on the
doorknob, then turned back to Danny.
“You’re a better mom to me than she is to you,” he said, gesturing toward
the living room and Carol.
Danny frowned. “I know. She’s really trying hard, but it’s not the same
as it was before I got to know what it was like to be a mother. And it’s never
going to be the same between us again. I know I look like a kid, but I don’t
feel like one anymore. Too much stuff happened. She wants to be my mom and now
I just want her to be my friend.”
“Yeah,” said Jimmy, “and I want my friend to be my mom. What can I say?
Life isn't fair.”
He turned and exited the bedroom, making sure his eyes were free of
tears. He then walked into the living room, past Carol watching TV on the
couch.
“Goodbye, Jimmy,” she said pleasantly as he passed. “Are you sure your
mother can’t come in for a while?”
Jimmy tried to suppress his irritation at her. She was the reason his mom
wasn’t coming back, but he couldn’t ever tell her that. He forced a smile on
his face. “Oh, she’s not coming by to pick me up here, Mrs. Brown. I’m going
over to Frank’s for a while and she’s going to pick me up there.”
“Okay, well tell her I said hello. I really like your mom. We’ll have
to do lunch together sometime.”
“I’ll tell her, Mrs. Brown,” said Jimmy, glancing toward Danny’s bedroom.
*****
“It's been a long time since you've gone to the mall with me,” said Carol
as she stood in front of the store directory kiosk, “I’m glad you came.”
“Yeah, me too,” Danny said, slightly uncomfortable. He usually went with
Jimmy or one of his other teenaged friends, but he didn’t feel like going to
any of his old adolescent favorites. He wanted to look around on his own, maybe
check out some women’s fashions. Or look over the makeup counter at some of the
higher-priced stores. But to do that, he’d have to get rid of Carol. “Hey Mom,
do you mind if I just take off by myself for a while and meet you back at the
food court?”
Carol looked at him with a slightly hurt look in her eyes. “I was hoping
we could spend some time together, but I guess it would be okay. Meet me back
here in about an hour or so?”
“Sounds good. Thanks Mom!” he replied excitedly.
Carol stood by the directory and watched her son walk away until he
blended in with the crowd. I suppose he needs his space, she thought. But
then again, isn't that part of the problem? Maybe I gave him too much space.
Walking through the mall was like a trip down memory lane for Danny. He
had loved to come here as Olivia. Ooh there it is, he said to himself.
His eyes danced with delight as they devoured the racks and walls of
Victoria's Secret. Damn I miss this place, he thought as he picked up a racy
red negligee. The penis in his trousers took notice as his fingers skimmed
across the soft silk. I could buy it if I want, he thought. I still have
Olivia's credit card. Yeah, right, like anyone is going to think I'm her
looking like this.
“Can I help you?”
Danny turned around with the negligee still in hand to find a woman about
his height but twenty years his senior.
His face burned with shame. How long had she been watching him? Could
she tell?
“No,” he said. “I'm just looking around.”
“Are you looking for anyone special? A girlfriend perhaps?”
“No,” said Danny as he returned the gown to the rack. “I was just
looking.” Oh, how dumb did that sound, he wondered as he walked briskly out of
the store.
He continued his tour of the mall, but made a conscious effort to be more
discreet. He wandered into some of the more upscale stores and looked over the
women’s winter fashions. He found several things that he thought would look
great on Olivia, skirts and blouses and sweaters. He almost broke down and
bought a fabulously expensive pair of chocolate brown Italian leather
high-heeled boots, but he knew he’d never be able to explain the purchase to
his mother. They didn’t even wear the same shoe size, Olivia wore slightly
larger footwear. He thought against it and moved on to another store. Eventually
his browsing time drew to a close and he made his way to the food court.
He was looking for somewhere to eat when he heard a familiar voice call
out pleasantly.
“Hey kiddo,” Brenda said, “Haven’t seen you in a while. A few weeks at
least.”
“Hey there yourself,” said Danny as he sat down beside her, “I’ve been
pretty busy.”
“Yeah, Jimmy told me what happened,” said Brenda. “He said you were really
upset about it. I'm not sure I get it, though. Are you upset because it
almost happened or because it didn't happen?”
Danny shrugged. “A little of both, I guess. Yeah, I had a chance to be
female full-time, but I wasn't going to be Olivia. My mom was going to call me
Danielle. It's not the same thing.”
“Okay,” said Brenda, “so now you're neither. You're just plain Danny
Brown. How do those shoes fit?”
“Real tight. It's hard being a kid again after I was an adult. I didn't
know how bad it sucked until I grew up and had to go back. Nothing is the same
as it used to be.”
“Oh, I don't know,” said Brenda. “I don't think anything around you has
changed. I think you're the one who changed.”
“Yeah, I guess so. Whatever. It still sucks.”
Brenda shook her head. “I can tell by looking at you. You seem pretty unhappy.”
She made a sweeping gesture with her hands. “It’s you but it isn't you. I
know you don't want to hear this, but I liked you much better as Olivia. You
were a strong, powerful, attractive woman, Danny. You had the world by the
tail and look at you now. You're a stranger in your own skin.”
Danny nodded, then furrowed his brow. “Maybe. Can I ask you a question?”
“You can ask,” said Brenda, “but that doesn't mean I'll answer it.”
“Why did you do all that for me? Help me with the makeup and the clothes
and stuff? Why did you even care? You didn't even know me and you hardly knew
Jimmy.”
“For starters,” said Brenda. “I still care. As for why I care, I
suppose you'd say I'm trying to make up for something I didn't do several years
ago. You're not the first boy I met who needed to be female. This other boy I
knew was the son of the woman who owned Beautiful Secrets. I worked for her
and I bought the salon after her son committed suicide.”
“Were you mean to him?” asked Danny.
“No, but he needed a friend and I sided with his mother instead. She
thought she could fix him, but she couldn't. I couldn't help him and maybe I
can't help you, but I like myself better for trying. I hope you won't do
anything stupid.”
Danny
smirked. “I already did. I made a fool of myself in Victoria's Secret.”
Brenda laughed gently. “It took a lot of balls to go in there dressed as
you are.”
“That's the problem,” said Danny. “I have balls.”
“You're right, Danny. It is a problem because you won't be a kid much
longer. It’s a lot easier to make the change now than later, before your body
completely changes.”
“You mean go ahead and have that surgery anyway?”
“I mean, kiddo, just do what makes you happy.”
“Me or Olivia?” Danny asked.
“Do it for whoever will be happiest. Just find out who it is.” She stood
up and pulled a red pack of More cigarettes from her coat pocket. “I’m off for
a smoke.”
“Wish I could join you,” Danny said, pulling up his sleeve to show the
nicotine patch on his arm.
“Good for you, kiddo. You shouldn’t be smoking anyway.” Brenda smiled
impishly and leaned forward conspiratorially. “But if Olivia ever makes it back
over here, tell her I’ll meet her in the smoking area.”
Danny chuckled. “Okay, I’ll tell her.”
Brenda hugged Danny. “Take care of yourself, kiddo.”
“You too, Brenda. I’ll see you around.”
Brenda strutted off, passing Carol, who walked up holding a tray of food.
She sat down next to Danny with a perplexed expression.
“Who was that, honey?”
Danny shrugged it off. “That was Brenda. She’s a friend of Jimmy’s mom.”
“Oh, I see. How is Olivia, by the way? I haven’t seen her in a while.”
She’s right here, Danny thought sadly.
*****
Carol was going through her things in the dryer, carefully taking
inventory and making sure nothing was missing. As she heard the sounds of the
TV coming from the living room, she chastised herself.
No, he promised he wouldn’t do that anymore. He’s a good boy. He’ll stay
out of my things.
But as she put everything into the laundry basket, she noticed something
missing…
“Danny, where is my green blouse?” Carol called out toward the living
room, a distinct irritation in her voice.
“What? How the hell should I know?” Danny replied just as tersely as he
absent-mindedly flipped through the channels. His nicotine addiction had him on
edge lately, and weekends – without school to occupy his mind – were the worst.
All he wanted to do was spend a Saturday afternoon watching TV without being
bothered. Especially with a veiled accusation he’d done something with his
mother’s clothes.
Carol stomped into the room, standing in front of the TV and blocking
Danny’s view. “Don’t use the tone of voice with me, young man,” she demanded,
“I asked you a question.”
“Then ask it nicely, and don’t be such a bitch about it,” Danny sneered.
Carol leapt forward, yanked the remote from Danny’s hand and turned off
the TV. “You watch your mouth in my house! Where’s my blouse, Danny? What did
you do with it?”
Danny looked at her in disbelief. “You think I’m stealing your clothes?
That I’m still doing stuff in them?”
Carol raised her hands defensively. “No, it’s just – just – that’s my
favorite blouse and I wanted to wear it tonight for Ted. Before he goes away.”
Danny stood up to face his mother, shame etched all over his face. “No,
that’s bullshit, mom! You hardly ever wear that blouse! You just couldn’t find
it and you think I did something with it!”
Carol realized she’d gone too far. “Danny, if you want to talk about
this–”
“There’s nothing to talk about! I’m not a freak! I just want to…” Danny
felt his hands trembling. He wanted to tell her so badly, tell her everything.
But somehow, nothing came out.
Tears in his eyes, he pushed past her and ran to his bedroom. Carol
started to follow, but thought better of it. She sat down and rubbed her
temples.
Way to go, she thought to her self. What are you going to next? Burn
down his bedroom?
After a few minutes, Danny stormed back into the living room, a backpack
slung over his shoulder. He didn’t even look at his mother as he made his way
toward the front door.
“Where are you going?” Carol asked.
“Your son the freak is going out,” Danny growled as he flung open the
door, “And I never touched your damn blouse.”
He slammed the door closed behind him, leaving Carol sitting there in
stunned silence.
*****
Ted knocked several times on the door, waiting for Carol or Danny to
answer. No one came, so he let himself in. He found Carol sitting on the couch,
crying and chain-smoking, oblivious to her surroundings. A half-empty glass of
wine sat on the coffee table in front of her. In her free hand, she clutched a
green blouse.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” Ted asked, as he rushed forward and sat next to
her.
“I’m a horrible mother,” Carol replied, tears streaming down her face. “I
can’t do anything right with him anymore.”
“What happened?”
Carol held up the blouse. “This, this stupid little blouse. I couldn’t
find it anywhere so I accused him of stealing it. I thought he was wearing my
clothes again.”
“Was he?”
Carol looked at Ted in shock. “No, of course not! He promised us he
wouldn’t!” She looked forlornly at the blouse. “I found it at the bottom of the
hamper. It was my fault. I should have trusted him.”
Ted pulled her to him and gave her a gentle hug. “Hey, hey. It’s okay.
Where’s Danny now? I’ll go talk to him, smooth things over.”
Carol glanced at the front door. “He left. He was so angry, Ted. I’ve
never seen him like that. And I thought he was going to tell me something, but
he just grabbed his stuff and walked out.”
“Where?”
“I don’t know. He just left.”
Ted rocked her back and forth gently. “Hey, it’s okay. He’ll come back
when he’s ready. He’s just out blowing off some steam.”
“I know, but is this how it’s going to be between us from now on? With me
accusing him of all kinds of crazy things? He’s going to start hating me.”
“No, he won’t. You guys have just been through a rough patch, that’s all.
He’s almost 16, everything gets blown out of proportion when you’re that age.
It doesn't mean he hates you.”
Carol leaned forward and drained her glass of wine. “He’ll be 16 this
summer. And then he’ll be graduating in a couple of years and off to college.
I just don’t want to ruin whatever time we’ve got left together.”
“You won’t, honey. You’ve just got to try to be a better mom.”
“Thanks for the encouragement,” said Carol as she crushed out her
cigarette and lit another one.
“I could support you better on this if you and Danny were coming to
Colorado with me. We could be a family there. I could help you with him.”
“You know I can't leave yet, not with Danny like this.”
“As a matter of fact, Carol, I don't know that. He's still the same
person. It won't matter if he's in Georgia or Colorado.”
“Can we talk about something else?” asked Carol, “It’s been a terrible
day.”
“Sure,” said Ted. “It's Saturday. What are we going to do tonight?”
Carol smiled sadly. “Yeah, getting out of the house sounds good. Let me
get changed and we can go have dinner somewhere. Danny’s probably over at
Jimmy’s playing video games. I’ll call Olivia in a little while, once Danny’s
cooled off.”
*****
Danny stood in front of the pay phone with the receiver to his ear,
trying to hide his tears from the people walking by.
“Jimmy?” he said, “It’s me. Can we still get into your house?”
“Dude, are you okay?” Jimmy replied, “You sound like you’ve been crying.”
“I-I can’t stay at my mom’s house tonight, I don’t want to be there. But…
I need to be around my family.”
A lump rose in Jimmy’s throat. He knew what his friend was asking.
“You’re the only family I’ve got,” he whispered.
Danny wiped the tears from his eyes, then looked around so that no one
could overhear him. He whispered in his Olivia voice, “I’ll always be there for
you. You’re my son and I love you.”
Jimmy closed his eyes. “I love you, too, Mom. Come back home. The spare
key is still there. You can let yourself in and I’ll be there in a little
while.”
Danny smiled. “Give me a couple of hours to get ready. I’ll let myself
in. I’ll see you soon.”
Jimmy smiled warmly. “I’ll see you soon, Mom. Bye!”
“Goodbye, honey.” Danny hung up the phone and walked down the street with
a wide-open grin. Olivia Wilson was coming home.
*****
Danny found the spare key in the flower bed and let himself in. He walked
through the house, feeling a touch of sorrow that he wasn’t living there
anymore. He only had a few weeks as Olivia, just the length of his Christmas
break, but he quickly came to think of it as home, his real home.
He made his way to bedroom, his hands slightly trembling. He threw his
backpack on the bed and looked around the room. He closed his eyes and took a
deep breath, savoring the faint residual scent of cigarettes, makeup, and
perfume. He walked around the room, gently touching her things, each one
evoking a warm memory of his time as Olivia.
You could still be a girl, Danny, the voice in his head whispered.
Just tell your mother. It’s not too late.
But I don’t want to be a girl, he thought as he admired the stylish,
feminine, comforting touches of Olivia’s bedroom. I want to be a woman. I want
to be a mother. I want to be Olivia Wilson.
But why do you want to be an old woman? Why not be a young hottie? Why
live a life that’s already been lived? You want that? With all of her flaws and
vices?
Especially her flaws and vices, Danny thought as he reached under his
shirt and peeled the nicotine patch away from his arm. He rummaged through his
backpack to find the elegant Louis Vuitton cigarette case that Norman had given
him for Christmas. He carefully pulled out a long white Benson & Hedges 100
from it and placed it between his lips. He sparked his engraved gold Calibri
lighter to life and lit up, taking a long, slow drag. Holding the warm smoke in
for a few moments and savoring it, he deliberately mimicked the actions of an
adult woman who’d been addicted to cigarettes for many years.
“It’s part of what makes me who I am,” he said in
his Olivia voice as he tilted his head back for a smooth, femininely graceful
exhale.
You promised your mother you weren’t going to smoke.
No, Danny promised Carol he wouldn’t smoke. I’m Olivia. I’m an adult and I
smoke.
He shut off the voice inside his head and set the cigarette into the
ashtray on the vanity. He hurriedly began pulling off his boy clothes until he
stood naked before her bedroom mirror. He looked over his boyish, slender body.
“It’s only for tonight,” he said. But inside, he hoped it was a lie.
He walked over to the dresser and pulled open the bottom drawer. He moved
aside some of Olivia’s old undergarments to reveal his body padding. He’d left
them behind so that Carol wouldn’t accidentally find them in his things. First
he tucked his testicles and penis up and away and slid his panty gaff over
them. Satisfied that his privates were very well hidden and that he now had a
smooth, feminine-looking front, he slid on his panty hose, smoothing them out
over his legs. He loved the way the hose made his legs look more shapely, but
he frowned slightly as he spotted a few tell-tale hairs poking out from the
nylon. However, he knew he couldn’t shave them away. He had to go back home
sometime, and Carol would definitely notice if he returned with smooth,
hairless legs. He made a mental note to choose an outfit that would hide them.
Into the waist area of the panty hose, he inserted the hip and bottom
padding into place, giggling at his change in body shape. Next he glued his
breast forms onto his chest, slipped on a black silk bra and nestled the forms
into the cups. He then smoothed his short hair back and pulled the snug nylon
wig cap over his scalp, tucking away any stray hairs.
Wearing just the wig cap, his body padding, bra and panty hose, he sat
down at the vanity, eagerly anticipating the final result of his drastic change
in appearance. He took a final puff off his cigarette, then chained another off
of it before crushing it out in the ashtray. Setting down the fresh cigarette,
he began putting on his makeup, losing himself once again in the identity of Olivia
Wilson, an adult woman and mother.