Whatever Your Heart Desires


By Cherysse St. Claire

 

Part 5

There was no way around it; I had fucked up, big time. First things first; I did what every rape victim is supposed to do. Detective Dottie Henson of the police department’s Sex Crimes Unit took my report. She escorted me to the hospital to process a rape kit (neither of us expected anything usable to turn up after the shower I had taken), plus tox and STD screens (that thought was chilling).

“Ron” and “Terry” had struck before – several times. They usually dosed the girl’s drink at the bar during the initial pick-up, then took her somewhere more private, presumably a motel room. I was the second victim they had ‘played’ over time. They were slick and methodical. They were not employed at the health club as they claimed, and none of their previous ‘dates’ had been given an address or phone number. At that point, the police could not even be certain what their real names were or if they even lived locally.

The digital slide show had been a break; Danni’s appearance in it more so. I managed to convince Dottie to keep Danni out of the investigation, at least for now. She had been ready to put out an ‘all-points’ for my mate. Your husband saw you being raped, did nothing to stop it, then disappeared immediately after? And you aren’t at least a LITTLE suspicious? I reasoned with her. Given my unfaithful past, Danni would have no reason to suspect what she saw was anything but more of the same – taken to the most humiliating (for her) extreme yet. That would easily explain her sudden departure. If I didn’t appear in complete control of my senses, well, I was being fucked stupid and it wouldn’t be unusual for me to have a drink or two – or three – beforehand.

She still wasn’t buying it – until I showed her a picture of Danni. It was one of a series of photos I had had taken of her at one of those walk-in glamour photography studios in the mall.  Danni had been wearing a little cropped tank top that showed off her cleavage and hand span waist, a sinfully-short little flare skirt and platform ankle-strap sandals. Her navel piercing had healed by then and I wanted a portrait that showed off that cute little jeweled ring. I practically had to catch Dottie’s jaw in my hand and close it manually.

“This is your husband?” she asked incredulously.

“Noooo,” I responded with a grin, “this is my wife.”

Dottie had just shaken her head and smiled bemusedly.

“OK,” she sighed, “I see your point.”

She admonished she would still have to interview Danni at the earliest possible time. He – she, Dottie had corrected herself – was still a material witness to a felony sexual assault. More to the point, she was in danger. If we had noticed her in those digital images, the perps would, too. I hadn’t thought of that.

“I’m going to have a unit watch your house for a while,” she instructed.

“They wouldn’t come back again, would they?”, I gasped. “I mean, I can’t testify to anything other than they had been there and I had woken up the next morning with a headache and sore pussy.”

“No, but Danni can,” Dottie responded, “and they won’t know she’s gone. All they will know is she caught them in the act and would be able to testify against them. They might be tempted to come back to silence her – and you, too, if you were there at the time.”

I hadn’t thought of that, either. It was a chilling concept. So was my next thought.

“You are going to use us as bait, aren’t you?”

Dottie smiled, but not convincingly.

“It might not come to that,” she responded, “but we will be watching the house for now. Kristen, this is the biggest break we have had since this case was opened. I don’t mean to leave you or Danni twisting in the wind, but if there is any chance we can draw these creeps out into the open, we need to take it.”

The best way to put all this behind me was to immerse myself in my normal day-to-day routine. Harry, my boss, and the whole agency were solidly behind me. Harry couldn’t understand how my husband could walk out on me after so traumatic an event. We hadn’t told him about ‘Danni’, so I reiterated a sanitized version of the same explanation I had given the police. Beth, Jackie and Gwen were present – at my request – and backed me up. Harry understood, but still thought of Danny as “unmanly” for allowing it to happen in our marital bed in the first place. At the time, there was no way I could argue the point and win, so I let it drop.

It was hard at first; really hard. The initial blood work and all follow-up testing came back negative for all infectious agents. I was thankful for at least that much. It didn’t bother me to go home again, either; at least, as far as the rape was concerned. It was still Home and I would continue to live there. I had plenty of reason to blame myself for my victimization, but I didn’t want to dwell on that, either. What’s done is done.

My trauma was Danni. This deplorable incident had cost me the one treasure I valued above all others. I had not heard from her since and had no idea where she was or what she was doing. Our home seemed empty, sterile, bereft of warmth without her. Sometimes at night, I just wandered aimlessly from room to room, trying to recapture some faint essence of her to fill the void in my heart. The thought of seeking out casual lovers to fill that void revulsed me.

I went to get my hair done, as I always did. That was part of the routine. Lexi could tell something was wrong with me. I told her everything. Priests, bartenders and hairdressers; they hear it all. She was really sympathetic. It had been such an unreal chain of events and had led to such a tragic end. She hated that I had been assaulted that way. She was heartened to learn I was coping with it as well as I was – other than the loss of Danni of course…. Her reaction was not exactly what I had expected. Certainly, she commiserated with me, but it somehow seemed the news had not taken her completely by surprise.

As I arose from Lexi’s chair, I happened to catch sight of Celine at the same moment she spotted me. The stunning African-American recoiled as if stung, hastily turning away from me. That one, brief glance had spoken volumes. If she had been able to shoot daggers from her eyes, I would have been dead where I stood. I cautiously made my way to Celine’s station, mentally steeling myself for the miserable, yet necessary, exchange to come.

“Don’t even speak to me,” she hissed, busying herself with some trivial task. “I sure as Hell don’t want to speak to you!”

“I have to speak to you,” I replied with resolve, “whether either of us wants to or not. I have to know Danni is all right.”

Celine spun around to face me, cold fury in her eyes and voice.

“All right? You come to me after doing what you did, after everything Danielle did for you, and you ask me if she is all right? No, she is not ‘all right’. She may never be ‘all right’ again. I think she still trusts me, but that is all the emotion she is willing to invest in anyone right now. It is only out of respect for Alexis I don’t bust your punk ass right here and now!”

I repeated what I had told Lexi about my assault and why the police thought Danni was in danger. Whatever mistakes I had made, I didn’t want anyone to hurt her. Celine regarded me warily for a moment. Her face softened almost imperceptibly.

“You don’t have to worry about that,” she intoned. “I’ll take care of it.”

 At least I knew someone was in contact with my lover. I had instinctively respected the Nubian beauty the moment I laid eyes on her. She was defending Danni as a she-wolf would her pup. As much as it pained me to not be able to see or talk to my love, I understood she was in good hands. I tried to string together the right words to say, wishing I had Danni’s talent for it at that moment.

“I know you won’t believe this right now,” I began slowly, “but I do love her with all my heart. If the only way I can prove that is to stay away from her until she is ready to contact me, that is what I will do. I trust you to take care of her and I know you have her best interests at heart. I do, too, though I wasn’t very good at showing it. Just be good to her, please – better than I was. She deserves that.”

Celine opened her mouth to say something, then thought better of it.

“You need to go,” she stated without emotion, then turned away.

I did, without argument.

It was the tiniest of breakthroughs imaginable, but a breakthrough nonetheless. At least I knew Danni was alive. I didn’t know where, but was certain Celine did. Perhaps Danni was living with the Black girl. That would make sense. She would have turned to the only other person with whom she felt safe. I said I had instinctively respected Celine from the first time I saw her. I would have to do so now, setting aside my petty jealousy of Danni being with another woman.

I did what I set out to do. I went to work and immersed myself in my normal routine. I sold properties, went to lunch or for after-work drinks with my friends, then went home. Once in a while, they convinced me to go out to a club. Of course I got hit on, as was their intention. I was cordial. It felt good to at least carry on a conversation that wasn’t related to work. I danced some, too. It felt good to hold someone, feel their warmth. It just wasn’t the same. Their petty preoccupations with sports, their jobs, a new car or boat, and how they had been searching for a girl like me just seemed so banal.

I actually did take one of them home – once. His name was Stan something-or-other. He was… a man. That is the only way I can put it. He was attractive enough and had a nice body. The ‘package’ was okay, too – just okay. He fucked me routinely.  He came. I didn’t. I didn’t ever try to fake it. I was cordial enough afterwards and got rid of him as soon as I decently could. All the time he was in me, I was comparing him to Danni. There really was no comparison; Stan lost, hands down.

A couple of months later, a bizarre story was reported on the local news. Acting on an anonymous tip, police had raided a local motel room and apprehended two men wanted in connection with a series of sexual assaults on area women. Also confiscated in the raid were digital camera and video equipment, plus recorded digital disks allegedly containing evidence of previous assaults. Upon arrival at the scene, police found the room’s door forcibly opened and the men handcuffed, beaten… and, allegedly, sexually assaulted. Arraignment was pending their release from an area hospital. At that time, police had no suspects in the apparent vigilante-style attack on the pair. Further details would be made available as they were released….

And then I saw her. Gwen told our little group about a new club, Gotham. The four of us decided to check it out on a Friday night. The décor was dark, brooding, and heavily goth-inspired. There were lots of dark little alcoves and passageways to explore – or get lost in. Danni was on the dance floor with another girl. Her partner’s back was to me, but I couldn’t mistake my estranged mate’s gorgeous body and fiery copper tresses for anyone else.

Both women were dressed like little sluts, with deeply-plunging necklines, obscenely short skirts and perilously high stiletto heels. They were dancing really close, into the slow, sensual beat and each other. The entire room seemed to be fixated on them. Finally, the other girl took the ravishing redhead’s hand in hers and they strolled off the dance floor and into the corridor. I followed them, picking my way carefully through the crowd.

I searched room after room, corridor after corridor, trying to catch sight of the couple again. Had they left? Was that it; one brief glimpse, then she was gone from my life again? Just as I was about to give up in despair, I spotted them in a dark, deserted dead-end alcove. They were… fucking, right there where anyone passing by could see them. The act was so brazen, so extreme, so blatantly erotic, my pussy started gushing its juice. Like some lowly peeper, I couldn’t help but hide in the shadows and watch.

I reached under my skirt and began massaging my aching clit with two fingers, moving in a light, circular motion. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the erotic tableau before me; two beautiful women, one with a thick, meaty cock, fucking in public with reckless abandon. Is this what she and I had looked like? It had to be. The other girl’s face was hidden in the shadows. I had a clear view of Danni’s clit pumping in and out of her snatch. They were moaning desperately, seemingly moments away from release. So was I. I switched from massaging my clit to plunging the two fingers forcefully into my love nest, pumping hard in time with Danni’s thrusts.

The three of us came within moments of each other, their shrieks masking my own moans. My knees buckled at the force of my orgasm. I grabbed for the wall to steady myself. It was the first orgasm I had had since Danni left. Despite the tawdry circumstances, or perhaps because of them, it was an intensely fulfilling one. After a time, the pair composed themselves, straightened their disheveled clothing, and strutted confidently on, hand in hand. It was then I caught a good look at Danni’s partner. There was no mistaking that raven-haired beauty. And to think, I had been seated in her styling couch only two days before, as I did every Wednesday!

For the rest of the weekend, I fucked myself furiously with the biggest dildo I had, as that scene replayed over and over in my mind. I was obsessed with it, couldn’t get it out of my head. I came, too; savagely, ferociously, again and again. It was insane. In effect, my ‘wife’ had cuckolded me with one of my best friends – and I was getting off on it!  Perhaps it was because of the audacious, in-your-face boldness of the act, so much in keeping with the character of the relationship Danni and I had shared. It was almost like she had been fucking me in that dark, secluded alcove. In a way, she had.

At the office Monday morning, my girlfriends and I discussed our outing. The other three commented I had suddenly disappeared and wondered what had happened to me. I replied I had gotten caught up in a hot scene in another room and wound up going home early – all of which was true. Later, Gwen pulled me aside. She smiled, hesitantly at first, then with genuine warmth.

“I hope it was good for you, too,” she intoned. “I mean that, Kristen. You have been a good friend, even when I wasn’t. You don’t deserve to have been alone so long.”

I wasn’t exactly sure what she had meant by that, but I took it at face value and thanked her.

I had a decision to make. The smart choice was to find a new hairstylist ASAP. Even if she didn’t know that I knew, how could I face Lexi again after what she did? Then again, how had Danny faced me again all those times, knowing what I had done behind his back? I had been a lot more to him than a hair stylist. Lexi had been my friend a long time. Technically, she hadn’t cheated on me, hadn’t gone behind my back. Although we were still married, Danielle was currently fair game – and if she was going to be with anyone….

I kept my regular Wednesday appointment. Lexi was all smiles as she seated me in the plush, contoured couch. She was really animated, talking about anything and everything, yet saying nothing in particular. When she had finished with me, I rose from the couch, turned, and just looked at her. She was as animated as before, beaming radiantly. As I continued to silently gaze at her, the smile faded slowly from her face.

“What?”, she asked.

“I was there,” I softly intoned. “I watched.”

She knew what I meant. She stared at the floor, blushing. Then she looked at me again.

“I won’t apologize,” she stated evenly.

“I won’t ask you to,” I replied.

“What do you want to do now?”, she inquired guardedly.

“I want,” I responded, glancing at my watch, “to take you to lunch. Can you get away?”

The smile crept back onto her face.

“I can always make time for a good friend,” she chirped.

Understandably, lunch was a little awkward at first. We had gone to the little sidewalk café, around the corner from the salon, which was our usual haunt. I had to break the ice somehow, so I simply started with the first thing that came to mind.

“She looked good,” I began. “Actually, the two of you looked good together.”

“Thank you,” Lexi spoke hesitantly. “She really does look good, doesn’t she? You gave her the confidence, and Celine…”

She glanced down at the tabletop for a moment, then looked up again.

“How much did you see?”

“I told you. I watched. I was in the alcove with you, in the shadows. I – I masturbated while I watched her fuck you. I came when you did. That was hot.”

The conversation took off from there. When she asked it I minded, I was quick to reply “yes”, but followed up by pointing out I had no exclusive rights to Danni at that moment and Lexi had always wanted to find out how good I had it. She looked at me with a dreamy expression on her face and acknowledged the liaison in the alcove had been only one of many that night, and that she had almost not made it to work Saturday morning. When I commented Danni did know how to satisfy a woman, Lexi beamed.

“I probably wouldn’t want her full-time, the way you do,” she intoned enthusiastically. “I mean, I really like men, but, DAMN, Girl, I have never had another lover who could push my buttons like that!”

When she saw the misty look in my eyes, my friend took my hand in hers and gave it a little squeeze. She reassured me it was not over between my lover and me. Danni talked about me constantly, Lexi observed, and obviously missed me as much as I missed her. Lexi admitted she had related the details of my rape to my spouse, and how I had set it up to fulfill the fantasy of Danni and I having sex together with two guys.

Danni revealed how her entire transformation had begun with my revelation of that fantasy, and that it was a turn-on for her as well. She simply hadn’t been certain at that point how she felt about having sex with a man.

The issue of my casual affairs had hurt her much more than she let on. She hadn’t said anything about it because she loved me that much and wanted us to stay together. Danni had believed that, with her transformation at my behest and in light of how well things had been going in our relationship as a result, I had finally put all of that behind me. Then, when she had come home that night and found me in our bed, fucking the two men we had met at Friday’s, she had just lost it.

The revelation of what had actually happened that night had hurt Danni deeply. She had neverwanted anything like that to happen to me. My estranged spouse felt ashamed she had sat in the next room, doing nothing, while I had been so callously abused. She felt doubly-ashamed that she had believed me capable of acting so callously towards her.

It was my turn to stare at the tabletop, in an effort to hold back my tears.

“She didn’t know,” I sobbed quietly. “She had no way of knowing. She had every right to think exactly what she did. She wasn’t wrong. I didn’t even bother to ask her if she was ready to do it with me. All I could think about was how much I wanted that bastard Ron Randall. I deserved what I got.”

Lexi’s smile disappeared.

“Listen to me carefully, Kristen,” she intoned resolutely. “No woman deserves what you got. I know it. Danni knows it. You’d better know it. Even Celine knew it, bless her heart. She and Danni… took care of it with some of their friends.

My heart skipped a beat at the sudden vision. I suddenly remembered something from the salon this morning I wanted to ask. I hadn’t seen Celine in the salon that morning. Was she sick? Lexi looked ill herself when I asked. She replied that Celine would not be working at the salon anymore. I teased her about losing her to some other big salon, the same way she had snatched the gorgeous Black girl from the school.

I saw in her eyes that whatever the cause, it was not something to make light of. I squeezed her hand and apologized, stating that after the way Celine had helped Danni, both before and after our break-up, I could tell she was someone really special. “She was the best,” Lexi stated simply. Then, she brightened a bit, relating that her intuition was that Danni would be on my doorstep tomorrow if she hadn’t had something going on at that moment.

And there it was. That was what I had been afraid of all along. I sighed resolutely, asking if she and Celine were good to each other, the way Danni and I had been? If they were, I wouldn’t make trouble for them. Lexi stared at me, shaking her head. She replied she didn’t know how I had gotten that idea, but it had never been that way between Danni and Celine, that Celine would not have allowed it.

I didn’t understand that at all. Danni and Celine were obviously close. I wasn’t able to resist Danni’s charms and Lexi hadn’t been able to, either. The entire subject of Celine seemed to be one Lexi wanted to avoid at the moment, so I just chalked it up to Celine not being into T-girls as Lexi and I were, and let it go.

Lexi reiterated Danni had something big going on, something other than a personal relationship, but she was being very close-mouthed about it. The gorgeous T-girl was still mine, my friend asserted. It was just going to take some time for the hurt to heal, and for Danni to get her head straight and finish what she had to do. She really wanted me back, Lexi avowed. My heart was pounding. I felt dizzy.

“I want her back, too. More than anything.”

It was time for us to get back to our respective jobs. We arose from the table, walked out to the sidewalk, and hugged. My friend scrutinized me carefully.

“Are we OK?”, she questioned.

“More than ever,” I responded as I hugged her again.

“Prove it,” she challenged.

“How?”

Lexi winked.

“Gotham. Saturday night. You and me. Stop by the salon before closing. We’ll do dinner, then go out – just the two of us.”

“It’s a date,” I replied enthusiastically.

 

End of Part Five

 

since 11/28/04