Young Mother

by Janet L. Stickney
( Janetlynn17@Hotmail.com )

Ever since I can remember I have been enthralled by the sight of pregnant women, the way they dressed and looked, that glow of sorts that emanated around them, the way they seemed so at peace with themselves, and how, with other kids in tow, they almost always managed to remained relatively calm. I had tried stuffing a pillow under my shirt a few times, but that always left me feeling unsatisfied as I knew that I needed more, a lot more, in order to be able to capture what it felt like to be pregnant. But there wasn't much I could do about it, so I suffered in silence until something happened that changed everything.

"Have you decided on a costume?"

"I thought that you would think I was to old for that mom!"

"I'm wearing a costume, and I'm older that you are!"

"Yeah, well, no, I haven't decided on a costume, why?"

"I was thinking that for this years costume, you should really try to find or create some kind of costume that has at least some chance of being realistic! I mean, last year you went as what? A Yuppie? A suit and tie? You looked like you were going to dinner! No. This year I want you to be inventive!"

When I said it, my mouth had disconnected from my brain, and it just popped out. "Okay, how about a pregnant girl?"

"Pregnant? At your age? Being an unwed mother is really way out there I suppose, but…"

"Well, you did say be different!"

"Yes, but…" mom stood there looking at me for a moment, then…"Okay, I guess, but just how pregnant did you want to be? Full term, half? What?"

"How do I know? Maybe halfway?"

Mom finally agreed, but told me that I would have to go with her to get what I needed, adding with a muted glint in her eye and a sort of giggle, that she would make sure that I looked just as frilly and as much like a pretty young girl as she could manage, and that would be before she made me look pregnant! In my delight I almost screwed up, but held back the grin and merely nodded my head, unwilling to risk saying something that would let her know that my dream was finally being met. I had a hard day at school, since all I could think about was being able to dress as a pregnant girl, and as I walked around all I could look at were the girls, the way they did their hair, wore makeup, and acted, trying to remember it all, since I might need to know it later. That night after dinner, mom and I went shopping.

The first place she went wasn't where I thought she would go. She took me to a department store where she bought a bra, size 36C, and a package of maternity panties. Then she picked up several pairs of pantyhose before we left the store. From there she took me to a small shop that sold maternity clothes, picking out several dresses that she liked, but let me chose the one I liked. She also picked up a maternity girdle! From there we went to a popular men's fantasy store where she bought a pair of lifelike breast forms and several hip pads. Then shoes, which were low heels and a pair of flats. In the same store she also picked up a pair of cheap earrings, then we went home. By the time I had taken everything to my room I was sweating in anticipation of the time I could actually become that girl I had seen in my dreams so often, the unrealistic vision of myself as pregnant.

I wanted to try everything on right then, but mom told me that if I wanted to look like a woman then I would have to remove all of my body hair first, so I headed for the bath with a new razor in hand. We had a few months before the costume party, so I had plenty of time, but I couldn't wait, so I shaved myself, eager to begin, but since I only had one more day of school that week, mom suggested that we wait until the next night before I got all dressed up, and I reluctantly agreed. The minute I got home the next day I once again checked myself for stray hair, then, when mom got home a bit later, she and I began. First she gave me the panties to wear, then took me to her bedroom where she showed me how to do makeup, brushing my hair into a high, tight ponytail that she held in place with a small red ribbon. I put the bra on, and slipped the breast forms into the cups, really surprised at how heavy they were! Even after adjusting the straps, my boobs hung kind of low, but mom said that was normal for a pregnant woman, so I let it go. Once I had the pantyhose on, mom had me slip the maternity girdle on, which was very loose in the front, then she used pillows of course, but folded one and used the other to give me the right amount of roundness in front, those hip pads making me look a whole lot wider. With the girdle to smooth things out, I began to look pregnant!

Then came the top which she pulled over my head and tugged into place before she helped me get the jumper over my head. Once she zipped it up I put on the low heels and looked in the mirror. I looked just like a pregnant girl, only it was a 16 year old girl! Mom told me to join her in the kitchen, and as I started walking I felt very strange. I was definitely off balance! My boobs were bouncing, my tummy was swaying as well as my bottom, but I quickly regained my composure and went to the kitchen. Just trying to sit at the table was truly an adventure, but as soon as I was seated it became obvious that my bloated stomach kept me from getting close to the table, and my breasts were in the way! Mom watched me struggle as I discovered all that, grinning as I did my very best not to become an even bigger fool that I already was!

"You know what? I'm thinking that we should go somewhere, someplace where you can walk around. With all of that extra weight, it might help you get used to being pregnant. How about we do that? We can stop for ice cream on the way home."

"Do I have to?"

"Since you ask, no, but I really think that you should. I'll be with you, so there's nothing to worry about, and I want you to at least try it. Now take this" mom said as she handed me a purse, "and lets go.

It wasn't as bad as I thought, except for the way women looked at me. Clearly, I was a pregnant teen, and pregnant girls usually suffer from others morality. Mom told me to ignore them, so I did my best. As we walked through the plaza I began to enjoy the feelings I was having, the weight, the swaying, heavy breasts, the cute little jumper, everything about the entire experience thrilled me. Mom didn't say much until we had our ice cream and were sitting alone at a small table.

"How come you decided to start halfway? Why not full term? Or maybe not pregnant at all?"

"Huh?"

"What I mean is, most girls, at the very least they have a boyfriend before they get pregnant, then they sort of grow into their condition. But you started halfway! Why?" When I didn't say anything…"I can't remember ever seeing you dressed as a girl before, but seeing you now, well, I'm sure that you would be a very attractive young lady, and if you let me help you, I'll bet I could prove it! You would have boys flocking all around you!"

"Mom! I never said that I liked guys!"

"That's true, but at a minimum, as a normally dressed young lady, you'll get to experience what it's like to be a girl, possibly even have boys after you, then when you decide to be pregnant, you'll know a lot more about women, and maybe be able to put some feeling into this!"

"So, you want me to dress as a girl, but not a pregnant girl, just so I'll understand what it means to be a girl? Before I start looking pregnant?"

"Well, it's was just a thought, but yes. We have almost two months before the party, and that's plenty of time for you to experience what it's like to be a young lady, and on top of that, I'm willing to bet that you'll like it!"

"Me? Like being a girl? This is only because you told me that you wanted me to pick something different!"

"Of course, that's true, but you like it. You like being a girl. I can see it on your face."

"Mom! I…"

"Well, if you want to keep dressing as a pregnant girl, I guess that'll be okay too, but if you want to win the contest this year, then I think that you will just have to spend every moment you can as a pregnant girl. Otherwise you might not understand how awkward it is being pregnant. I'll help you, but I promise you that you will look as feminine as I can manage, because being pregnant is the most feminine thing there is!"

I didn't say anything, and spent the rest of the day and evening dressed that way. Things that I always took for granted, like flopping into a chair was impossible. I had managed to get used to having extra weight on my chest and a belly out to there, but the fun really started when I went to use the bath. It almost got serious before I managed to unwrap myself and sit down, and even then, I couldn't see a thing, what with that jumper flowing around me and all that stuffing billowing out in front of me. I got zero sympathy from my mom, who told me that women never could see what they were doing, and it got worse when they were pregnant, so I should just get used to it. That night I slept with the maternity girdle, bra and breast forms under a nightgown, mom telling me it was all part of my "learning experience". Not being able to roll over wasn't so hot, but I finally fell asleep, waking in a cloud of diaphanous yellow nylon. Later, after breakfast, mom and I went to my room. She told me that it was time for me to look like more like a girl than before!

After she pointed out the light stubble of hair on my body, I showered and shaved off all the hair that I could reach, then she sat me at her vanity and began to turn me into a teenage girl. According to mom, looking good was important, but looking natural would be essential, so I watched her as she began by using a gel on my hair then setting it in some rollers before she picked up the foundation and handed it to me. That's when I got my first real lesson in doing makeup. I was shaky a few times, but managed to get through it, and was once again, was very surprised at the difference just a little makeup made! Then she helped me get dressed, except that I had to wear a skirt rather than the jumper. It was knee length, but the huge bulge at my waistline still told the tale. After she brushed out my hair I looked just like an average girl, and if you didn't look at my bulging belly, I looked like a normal girl! Realizing my dream had sent my emotions crazy, and I couldn't help but smile when I saw myself in the mirror. There was only one problem, such as it was. From what I had learned on the Internet, most women gained more weight than a mere pillow could provide, which meant that while I looked pregnant, it just wasn't the same, and I wanted to be as realistic as possible.

After mom said I was ready, I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen to get something to drink. Mom was right behind me, pouring herself some coffee.

"Is there something wrong dear? You look…unhappy."

"Well, no, maybe, I guess it's okay."

"What!? You look just darling!"

"It's the pillow. It looks okay and all, but it's not the same is it? What I mean is, it's lighter."

"Aha! So that's it! Now I see it! How could I have been so stupid? You want to experience the whole pregnancy thing! How long have you wanted to try this? Being a pregnant girl I mean, and tell me the truth this time."

"For a while I guess, but I'm only curious, that's all!"

"I see." Then mom got a very strange look on her face. "Well, I suppose, if we thought about it long enough we could find a way. But wouldn't that mean that you would have to be pregnant every day? I mean, girls in that condition can't just quit being pregnant because they have to go to school, can they? If we do manage to find a way for you to enjoy this experience completely, what then?"

"I hadn't thought of that I guess."

"They do have schools for girls in your condition don't they? Maybe we can send you to one of those for a while!"

"Moooom!"

"It was just a thought" she said with a giggle, "forget I mentioned it." Mom paused, causing me to blush I guess, because she picked up on it right away. "Do you know a way to do what you want?"

"I saw it on the net mom. It's made for guys that want to experience what their wives do. It's made so it can get bigger, and it's made so that the weight is carried in the same place."

"Show me" was all mom said.

I showed mom the site, then let her scan through the pages by herself. I waddled back to the familyroom, for the first time content at the way I looked. I wanted more perfection, but what I already had made me feel somehow complete after all those years of wondering. I had just turned on the news when the doorbell rang; I heard mom tell me to get it, which I dearly didn't want to do, but when it rang again, I drew up my nerve and went to the door. Looking through the window, I saw a woman that I didn't know. Opening the door…

"Yes?"

"Hello!" the woman said joyfully, "My name is Margaret. I got word that a teenage girl was living here that was pregnant, so I stopped by for a chat, if that's okay with you."

"But I'm not…what I mean is…"

"Who is it honey?"

The woman said who she was, and again asked to chat with me, but mom demanded to know who called her, telling her that unless she knew that, nobody was talking to anybody.

"I can't say madam, I don't know! All I get is an address. I usually talk about prenatal care, birth control, those kinds of things. I try to help the girls get through their pregnancies easier, and deliver healthy babies."

"I am her mother, and I'll see to any of her needs if you don't mind. She has had all the prenatal care she needs, if that's any of your business."

"Your fine mothering didn't stop her from getting pregnant did it?" Before mom could answer her, the woman left.

When I shut the door, I started laughing, and couldn't stop. There I was, a boy dressed like a girl, with a pillow under my skirt, and that lady thought that I was really pregnant! She had to be blind! I looked over at mom who was still seething. She didn't say a word to me as she stormed into her sewing room and shut the door. When I went to school the next day I felt really strange. Hairless legs with denim rubbing on them was different, and I didn't waddle or have any trouble eating my lunch. It was like that for almost a week, then mom told me that come Friday night after school, I was going to be really pregnant, and she said it with a grin. I guessed that she had bought one of those things I had shown her, and it turned out I was right.

When I had that device belted on, complete with shoulder straps, mom started to fill it with water. As it grew heavier I realized that maybe being as much like a pregnant girl might now be so hot! I finished getting dressed, wearing the jumper and a blouse. The maternity panties and girdle fit better, and with those huge breasts of mine hanging out front, I was just about as pregnant as a guy could get. Mom told me to do my makeup, then she fixed my hair, laughing the whole time, because I sat there complaining about how heavy everything was. The adventure started when I had to go down the stairs. Being unable to see below my breasts made me plan ahead so to speak, but I got used to that, and while I was carrying a lot of extra weight, I reveled in it. Mom suggested that since the only clothes I had were what I had on plus one skirt, that maybe we should get a few other pieces just so she could wash them and leave me something to wear. I already knew that I looked good enough to go out, so I did not complain when we went to the mall. I forgot it was a major weekend night though.

Mom and I walked into the mall, and I didn't give a thought to the fact that someone might recognize me, after all, I didn't look like me by a long shot. We ambled through the mall, taking our time until we reached the maternity shop. I picked out another jumper and two skirts with tops or blouses while mom added a very nice navy blue dinner dress. On the way out of the store we almost literally ran into a girl I used to date and two of her friends.

"Oh! Sorry!" Gabriel, or Gabby as we called her said, then she recognized my mother. Without a word she looked at me, and I saw it in her eyes. She knew who I was. "Mrs. Ermantopz! Nice to see you again! And…?"

"I'm sorry Gabby. This is Debra."

"Hi Deb. How far along are you?"

"Five months" I said softly."

"Boy or girl? Do you know yet?"

"Oh. It's a boy, that's for sure"

Gabby knew who I was, yet she went on as if she didn't know me, and that question about the babies sex was her way of asking about me. She and her friends left with a wave of the hand, but Gabby did say that she might stop by the next day. It was all I could do not to throw up. I didn't want to actually be a girl, I only wanted to experience what it was like to be pregnant, at least that's what I kept telling myself. Mom shrugged it off as we headed for the shoe store to get me another pair of shoes. Shaken, I quickly became almost paranoid about being there, but mom told me to calm down, then dragged me into a jewelry shop and had my other ear pierced. More panties and another bra were added before we finally left the mall, but I was still shaken by having Gabby recognize me. And that name! Debra? Where the hell did mom get that? By the time we got home I was more than ready to quit, but mom told me that wouldn't change anything, the damage was done, so I might as well go with it and see what happened later. Easy for her to say!

That night I had to sleep wearing the device because, like mom said, "women can't just take it off, so, you can't either!" My back was killing me by the time I got up, and only just managed to get myself to the kitchen in the morning without moaning. Later, I went in the bath to shower, but couldn't get the device off because it would take two of us to get it off. Rather than fight it, I stepped under the hot water and began to scrub up, shaving as close as I could before I stepped out. Just as I slipped on the panties, mom came in, and using a small water jug, added more water to the suit! According to her, she was going to add some every day to simulate what it was like for women as the baby grew. I wore the skirt and blouse with my flats when I went to the kitchen to get some coffee. On the one hand, I was enjoying every minute that I was able to dress as a pregnant girl, on the other hand, it was very tiring, painful sometimes, and I had trouble doing many things, like simply going to the bathroom! I heard the doorbell, and a few moments later, Gabby walked into the kitchen, seeing me in all my glory, which meant no makeup, and my hair barely tolerable.

"Morning Deb! How's it feel being pregnant?"

"Awful! My back is killing me, and I can't do anything!" She laughed and sat down next to me.

"My sister just had her baby, and she went through the same things, so don't worry, it's normal!"

"All this for a costume party too! I had no idea it would be so…that I would feel like…"

"If you want, I'll ask my sister; maybe she'll loan you all of her stuff from when she was pregnant. It's just sitting there in her closet gathering dust!"

"Just how much stuff do you think I need Gabby? I mean, this is just for a party, so I…"

"But if you're going out in public like this, then I'll bet that you're dressing like this every day aren't you?" Without waiting for an answer…"That means that you'll need more than just a few things, and Barbara has it all! Don't be such a kludge Deb! Let me call her, and if she says okay, then we can go over there and you can try them on!"

I wasn't eager for anyone else to find out what I was doing and hesitated, but mom put an end to my hesitation by telling me that she had some errands to run, and having extra clothes wasn't going to hurt, even if I didn't wear them. Gabby waited while mom and I trudged back to the bedroom and she did my hair while I tried my hand at makeup. When I got the okay from her, mom spritzed me with some light smelling but very feminine perfume, handed me a lipstick, then set a purse on the bed before she left, telling me not to be very long. I looked in the purse and found a wallet that had all of my stuff in it, some tissue, and a brush. I added the lipstick, took it, and waddled down the stairs. It was unnatural for me to smile, but even with all of the pain, weight, and having to learn new things, inside, I really loved the feeling of being pregnant. Gabby met me at the foot of the stairs, and with a wave from mom, she and I left for her sisters house. On the way…

"You look terrific as a girl, did you know that? I never would have guessed!"

"There's nothing to guess Gabby! This is just a costume, nothing more!"

"Yeah, and I'm going to believe that. Every time I look at you you're smiling! Hell, you even sound like a girl!"

"Mom told me to raise my voice a little. She said it would make things easier. Those other girls I saw you with the other day, do they know?"

"They didn't recognize you if that's what you mean, and I didn't tell them either."

"Did they ask? What I mean is, how do we know each other?"

"Oh! I get it! "You're a friend of the family? How's that?"

"Fine, I guess."

She pulled into her sisters driveway, and after we were let in, I was introduced as her friend. Her sister Barbara had made some coffee and had some rolls, so she insisted that we have a chat before anything else. That was just about the most terrifying thing that I could think of. She had already had a baby, so she knew what to expect, what questions to ask, and worse, could describe in great detail every nuance of being pregnant. Not being actually pregnant, I couldn't say a word that wasn't true, or she might find out! Gabby ruined my delusion as soon as we sat down. She told Barb that I was really a guy, but practicing being pregnant for a party! That drew a stare from Barb, then a short laugh.

"Then I better fill you in on what to say, because I would suspect that a lot of women will want to know some details, and they'll expect you to know the answer! Won't they?" I nodded my head yes. "You're what? Four months, five? By now you should be starting to have back aches, sore feet, and maybe even feel the baby moving. You should know the babies sex, most of us do you know, and who the father is of course. But at your age, you might not want to say, just in case you scare him off. What size bra do you wear?"

I told her everything she wanted to know, and as it turned out, we wore the same size. When she asked and I told her how I was getting bigger, she laughed, telling me that she had gained almost 40 pounds during her pregnancy, and warned me that if I thought I was clumsy now, just wait! Then the three of us went to her closet and she started taking things out. Skirts, dresses, jumpers, nightgowns, panty girdle's, bra's, tops and blouses. Barb and Gabby both told me that I looked wonderful as a girl, although they both suggested that I get my hair styled a bit. I declined that advice since I still had to go to school, but Gabby didn't let it go, telling me that there were a lot of hairstyles that could be brushed out to look both feminine as well as masculine. Wearing my hair in a ponytail all of the time didn't leave me many options, and having my hair done would sort of complete the vision I had of myself, but I still said no. After I thanked Barb for the clothes, Gabby and I went back to my house, and the two of us put the things in my closet.

"Why not try on this one?" Gabby was holding out one of the skirts.

"Yeah, okay, why not?" I waited for her to leave, but she just stood there. "Are you going to leave?"

"Why? All you're doing is putting on a skirt, and it's not like I've never seen a pregnant woman before!"

"Yeah, I guess" I said, and unzipped the skirt then stepped into the other one.

We were in the familyroom when mom came home, her arms full of bags. Gabby and I helped her bring in the groceries, and while we were putting things away, Gabby mentioned to mom that she thought I should get my hair done! I said that we had already discussed it, and I had decided against it. Mom looked at the calendar and pointed to it.

"Aren't you girls off from school for two weeks? Starting on….Wednesday? Something to do with repairing the heating system?"

"That's right!" Gabby and mom both looked at me with a gleam in their eyes.

I knew it was coming, and it did, but something much worse happened. I was back in school as my old self for the two days prior to that fateful day, and like it always was when I had to be myself, I felt very strange. I was used to having the extra weight, wearing a bra, skirts or a dress. Something about all that relaxed me, regardless of what I was telling everyone. My protestations aside, not one person so far had believed me, starting with my own mother, and she was the one that dragged me into the salon the first day we were out of school. They cut and styled my hair, filed and painted my nails, did my makeup, and when they were done, I not only looked like an entirely new person, I felt like one. Mom and I were walking out of the salon when it happened.

"Hi there."

Turning, I saw a guy about 17 looking at me. "Hi" I said.

"You look familiar. Have we met before?"

"I don't think so" I said, lying through my teeth. "Sorry. I have to go now. Bye!" Once we were in the car, mom asked me who he was. "Matt. He's in my Math class."

"Sounded to me like he's attracted to you."

"Mooom!"

"Honey, boys do not just walk up and say things like that unless they are interested!"

"But all he said was Hi! What's so bad about that?"

"Boys are inherently shy around girls, so when he saw you, his normal reaction would have been to watch and not say anything. Because he didn't do that, he must have found you very attractive!"

"But I'm supposed to be pregnant! Maybe even have a husband or a boyfriend!"

"Many men find pregnant women very sexy honey, so why not you?"

"But I'm a guy! Your son, remember?"

"That's true, but how would he know that? And after all, we were walking out of a beautyshop! He simply added it up, and came to the conclusion that you are not only a girl, but you're pretty! Being pregnant might not even figure into it! Have you thought about that?"

"No" I said, sort of sulking. I had never once considered that a guy might find a pregnant girl attractive, and certainly not me. I simply could not envision myself being pretty enough to attract a guy, even if I wanted to, which I didn't. In fact, having a guy involved was never a consideration! My only focus was being able to look and feel as if I were pregnant, and that's all. When we got home mom added more water, then I looked at my reflection in the mirror. In a way I guess I did look okay, not like Gabby or Barb, but after my session in the salon, I looked enough like a girl that I could no longer deny, even to myself, that I liked the way I looked. My hair, once in a ponytail, was now set in a simple pageboy, which rounded my face and made me look even better, and of course, the makeup enhanced the rest.

About three that afternoon Gabby called, all excited, and wanted to come over. When she got to my house, she told me that Matt had called her, wanting to know if she knew a girl that was pregnant, telling her that he had seen me coming out of the salon.

"He is in love big time Jill! He thinks you're the prettiest girl he ever saw, and wants to meet you!"

"Gabby, I'm not a girl! Remember?"

"Maybe, but you don't look like a guy, that's for sure! Besides, what's the harm? All you have to do is smile and be nice, it's not like you're going to…"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Gabby, I can't! He already thinks he knows me!"

"So?"

"So, why do you want me to do this? You know this is only a costume…."

"Right. I forgot. A costume. One that you like so much that you actually glow, just like a normally pregnant girl would; a costume that you like so much that you had your hair, nails and makeup done. A costume that turned you into a very pretty girl. Well, you and I both know that this isn't just a costume any more girl, it's who you are! You know what I think? I think that you have become so attached to being a girl that you can't give it up now, even if you had to!" Gabby laughed a little, then…"Tell me. What happens after you "have" this baby?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"What I mean is, will you have another one right away? Or will you be like Barb and wait a while?"

"What if I told him it was just a costume?"

"Because then you would have to tell him who you really are, and I don't think that's what you want to do. He might tell everyone. Nope. Your only way out is to meet him. Maybe that way he'll go away, but I don't think so. Just about the only down side is that within a few months, he'll know that you won't be pregnant, and he'll expect to see you as a normal girl."

"This is just awful Gabby! This isn't what I planned on! I only wanted to experience what it was like to be pregnant! I wasn't looking for a boyfriend! You know that!"

"That's how most of us get pregnant!" Gabby said laughing, "we aren't even thinking about it, then whammo!"

Once again I felt trapped by own feelings. I certainly didn't want Matt to find out who I was, yet he knew that Gabby knew who I was, and after seeing me pregnant, he could reasonably assume that I had already had sex with a guy, and that meant that I was a girl! I sat there wondering what to do as Gabby took the initiative. She went to the door, and wagged her finger at me. With a sigh, I got up, grabbed my purse, and we left. Matt was in the front yard when we drove up.

"Hi again!"

"Hi."

"Matt, this is Jill."

"Hi Jill" he said as he took my hand in his.

"Hi Matt."

"Gabby tells me that you're not…attached."

"Gabby has a big mouth."

"Among other things. Is it true?"

"Yeah, I guess, why?"

"Well, I don't want to infringe on another guys woman, but if you're not attached, why not let me take you to dinner? Or a show?"

"In this condition?"

"What's wrong with your condition?"

"I'm pregnant!"

"All that means is that I'll have to walk slower Jill. Come on…say yes."

With a nudge from Gabby, and against my better sense, I nodded my head yes, and that night I went on my first date…with a guy. The dinner was very nice, and Matt was very attentive, all of which threw me. I wasn't used to being treated like a fragile Princess, but that's how Matt treated me. It was so new to me that I started to like it, which shocked me. When he took me home I let him kiss me lightly on the lips before I went in the house. In my room I undressed and went to bed, wondering how I could have allowed myself to be so stupid. I tried to put it out of my mind, and went on like always. At the end of the week mom had added enough water that I was starting to feel like I was carrying an ocean around, and with the party just a week away, I also wondered if I would continue to be pregnant for the remaining two months of my so called pregnancy.

On the day of the party I wore a very nice black dress with low black heels, perfect makeup and my hair once again done in the salon. I would have to return to school on Monday, which meant that I had two days left to decide whether I would remain pregnant or not. I didn't win anything, because I just could not stand up there and tell everyone that it was a costume. I had come, just like Gabby had said, to like being a girl. So many women came up to me and asked how far along I was, if it was a boy or girl, and so on that I just could not give up the way I felt. However, when I got home, I knew that I did not have any reason to maintain the fiction that I was pregnant, so I went in the bath, and "aborted" the baby by releasing all of the water. I removed the device, and for the first time I realized that my fantasy of being pregnant was only a cover up. I wanted to be a girl, a girl like Gabby or one of her friends, a girl that was pretty, yet didn't need to be pregnant to prove they were girls. As I lay in bed I knew exactly what I had to do, and made plans to do it the next morning.

After I got up the next morning, I didn't leave my room. Instead, I went in the bath and after sinking into the bubblebath, shaved myself all over one more time to make sure that I removed all traces of body hair. I put on my makeup, then one of my very few pairs of panties in my normal size, pantyhose, then a skirt. I kept the 36C bra because I liked having bigger boobs, but I had to fill the cups with socks to look right. I slipped on a blouse, brushed out my hair and stepped into the shoes before I left my room. When mom saw me her eyes went wide.

"What happened!? Why are you…you're not…"

"I lost the baby last night mom."

"But why? I thought that you…you better sit down and tell me what's going on here!"

"Mom I…" That's when I told her how I felt, what my being pregnant covered up, and how I figured it out. It took a long time, and while she listened, I could tell that she had already figured out some of it. It was very hard for me to tell her that I wanted to be a girl, yet after all that time being pregnant, I couldn't stop myself from saying what I felt, and why. But as much as I wanted to keep dressing as a girl, I still had to go back to school, at least one more semester, before I could even consider doing what I wanted to. In my mind, it was an eternity.

"To be truthful honey, I didn't mind when this was all for a costume, and although it was kind of nice being able to help you look nice, I'm not sure how I feel about this! You're my son, but you're now telling me that you want to be my daughter! Is it because of that costume? Being pregnant?"

"No, I guess I always felt this way. Being able to look pregnant for a costume party only gave me a chance to dress as a girl, and really hide the fact that I wasn't! How many pregnant boys have you seen?"

Mom didn't say much after that, except to tell me that I might as well stay dressed the way I was. About an hour later Barb called and asked if I could baby sit for a few hours, telling me that she and Gabby were taking an afternoon to themselves. Of course I said I would. The baby was all pink and giggling a lot. While I had no experience changing a diaper, I managed. I walked around holding the baby, unwilling to put her down for very long. I heard the bell, and went to the door. Opening it, I saw that same lady that had given mom and I hard time.

"I see you've had the baby! Now we really need to talk!"

"I'm okay Ma'am, but thanks anyway."

"I insist!"

"Have a nice day" I said as I shut the door in her face.

Barb picked up the baby later that day, and neither she nor Gabby said a word about my not looking pregnant. I went back to school, plodding through my classes every day. No matter what I did, my mind always returned to the girl I had become; I just could not shake how I felt. Matt called me a few times, and while I always spoke like a girl, I never agreed to go out with him. Mom and I tried to settle back into a routine, but the constant pressure I felt always compelled me to get dressed, usually on Saturdays. Mom never said a word, but I kept to myself, usually in my bedroom. Then Gabby showed up madder than hell.

"Jillian Marie!"

"What? Why are you so mad?"

"Matt just told me that he called you at least three times, and you turned him down flat every time! What's the matter with you? Matt is a great guy, and he likes you!"

"Gabby" I said, "I told you before that I'm not interested in guys!"

"Yeah, you told me that, and I think that you really believe it, but we both know that you want to be a girl, so why not?"

"What makes you think I want to be a girl? I never told you that!"

"If you don't want to be a girl, then why are you wearing that short skirt, makeup, and have your hair brushed out? Tell me that!" Then she got right in my face and poked a finger in my chest. "Both you and your mom are miserable, did you know that? She's downstairs knitting up a storm while you're up her pouting! What you both need is to go out somewhere! Get yourself a new skirt or something; have lunch, whatever! Jill, you're my friend, and I love you dearly, but I'm telling you that if you want to be a girl, then you cannot stay in your room all the time! I want you to go down there and tell your mom that you want to go shopping, with her, then the two of you make a day out of it! See what happens!"

"No matter what happens Gabby, I'll still have school, remember?"

"Yeah, that's a bummer, but we only have a few months left, so I know you can hang on that long!"

Mom knocked on the door and came in, a letter in her hand. When I read it I almost started laughing, until I looked at mom.

"That old bitch has taken out a court order, forcing you to appear! It seems that she wants to know the condition of your baby, the doctors name and that sort of thing!"

"But there isn't any baby" Gabby and I said at the same time.

"This is going to be fun, as long as you go along with it Jill."

"How?"

I found out how. Mom and I went shopping that evening, buying things that we both knew I would need, plus three skirts and some tops and blouses. In the next few days she and I made hair appointments, called our lawyer, and prepared to shake that old woman right to her shoes. In some ways it would be really ugly, in others, funny as hell. I was hoping that funny would win, because I was sitting right in the middle of it all. At the time, I had no idea that the paper covered family court, so I didn't even think about press coverage, which turned out to be both a mistake, and a blessing. On the morning of the court appearance mom and I went to the salon where I had my hair and nails done, then we went straight to the courthouse. Our lawyer, Gabby, her sister Barbara, the baby, mom and I all walked into court together and sat waiting. The woman that started all this came in, smug written all over her face. Once the court was in session…

"You are alleging mistreatment of a baby by a young mother named…Jillian?"

"Yes Ma'am" the woman said, "she refused me entry to her home for the express purpose of examining the baby, so we can only infer that there is a continuing problem."

Then she went on to detail all of her visits to our home, and our refusal to even talk to her. When she was done, my lawyer got up, walked to the center of the area in front of the judge, and began.

"As you know, for there to be an action brought by this woman or any of her staff, there must be a strong supposition that there has actually been some form of abuse, in this case, to said baby. However, she and her staff are required by law to prove the existence of said baby prior to any action. Let me bring into evidence the following:

An invitation to attend the annual costume party which was held at the convention center.
The birth certificate of said young mother.
This device, which allows a male to experience the joys of motherhood, the same as a female would.

I would also like to bring into evidence the baby in question, and the real mother."

Our lawyer detailed for the court the exact reason I had been dressing as a pregnant girl, how I managed to look pregnant, and who the baby was and belonged to. As I sat there watching I saw the woman falling deeper into her chair as our lawyer shredded every one of her of actions. When he handed the judge my birth certificate and she looked up at me, I saw her grin, then quickly turn somber again.

"As you can see your honor, there never was a baby borne by my client. It was all water. The baby she saw belonged to another woman, who had entrusted her child to the safekeeping of my client for the purpose of a shopping trip. In other words, my client was baby sitting. I ask that these scurrilous charges be dismissed, and this woman be censured for her inept actions. We also demand attorney fees and some punitive damages to be paid to my client for the abuse fomented by this woman and her staff."

The judge ripped into the woman without mercy, demanding to know the name of the person that had turned in the initial report. When she could not, telling the court that it was an anonymous tip, she was ordered to stand up and detail all of the requirements she must go through to initiate actions against someone. Clearly, she had failed on every single point. When the judge showed her my birth certificate, she visibly cringed.

"This is the most egregious distain for the rules I have ever seen in my court madam. In your zealousness, you have violated every tenet of the law in both spirit and in fact. Because you have disregarded every single rule you must operate under, and having caused this defendant undo pain, abuse, and humiliation, you are ordered to write a formal apology, resign from your post, and you personally must pay the defendant the sum of ten thousand dollars plus all attorney fees. You have three days to comply with this order, or you will be arrested and taken into custody."

The woman was crying as she turned and looked at me. Mom took my hand and we started to leave when the judge asked us to join her in chambers. Our lawyer was with me when we walked into the room.

"Please, sit down." We sat, then… "Tell me, why didn't you tell her that you are a male? It would have stopped all this right away?"

"Her tone was very confrontational" mom said, "and we never got the chance. That's why we refused to talk to her. If she could not tell the boys from the girls, well, that's her problem, not ours."

"Yet your son is sitting right there, the perfect vision of a young lady! If I had not been told, I wouldn't have known either!"

""Having Jill appear today was my idea your honor." My lawyer spoke with laughter in his voice. "The woman needed to see her like this, so when I proved our case, she wouldn't have any idea it was coming. She had to be relaxed and sure of herself in order for the full impact of what she had done to hit her."

"Well, you are a very pretty girl Jill, and I can see why she was in doubt. Thank you for your time, and on behalf of the state, I'm very sorry that you had to be put through this travesty of justice."

As we filed out of chambers, camera's started clicking away, and that's when I realized that I had just made the news. There wasn't anything we could do except walk through the gauntlet of press people shouting questions and taking pictures. My lawyer stopped, motioning us to go ahead while he dealt with the press. Once I was safely in the car, I swallowed hard, knowing that I had just made the front pages, and just knew it was going to be bad. By the time mom and I got home our voice mail was full, most of the messages from people wanting interviews. I wanted to change right away, but mom suggested that I stay the way I was, at least for a while, until she could reach our lawyer for advice. My life had just been flushed into the can, and there wasn't one thing I could do about it, which was clearly defined that night on the news. Pictures of us leaving the court, most focusing on me, were shown, the announcer detailing the reason I was there, and what the verdict had been. Our lawyer told them the reason I had been there dressed as a girl, which received modest approval as compared to the woman that had started it all. That night, as I washed up, I knew that I was going to be inundated by questions the minute I stepped into the school, and half toyed with the idea of going as Jill, but quickly dismissed that thought as foolish. It was going to be bad enough as it was.

From the moment I stepped into the school kids were pointing their fingers at me, whispering, then a few laughing. I wanted to run to class, but I kept telling myself that I had done nothing wrong, and managed, with great will power, to walk to class, which happened to be Civics. Expecting to have the whispering and laughs continue, I was a bit surprised when it didn't happen. Then the teacher stood up.

"I'm sure that we all saw the news last night, which exposed one of the students, who tried to create a worthy costume for a party, and got caught up in the machinery of the state. The fact that a state official caused this to happen, and who has been relieved of all duties by both the courts and the Governor, is not the fault of this student. That means that no judgment can be made about this student. As you all know, the reason for the costume was very detailed, and we all got to see how the courts can and will rule against the state when an official does something wrong. If you would like to discuss the working of the court, we can do so, but any discussion about the case concerning this student is off limits unless he agrees. Understood?"

Everyone was in agreement that the woman had been wrong, and they all accepted that it was only a costume, yet the undertone was there, until Marcie said it. She wanted to know why, if it was only a costume, I had obviously had my hair done, then appeared in court that way. She said that I looked "cute", then wondered if I had any plans to do it again. She said that she thought it was "Yucky", but wouldn't mind if I decided to dress like a girl! I was shocked to hear her say that, but then again, nobody else supported her. I kept my mouth shut and simply let the class talk about whatever they wanted to. I figured silence was golden at that point, and by not talking, I couldn't say something I shouldn't.

Matt was mad as hell, and almost slugged me, but stormed off instead. Gabby stayed close, telling me that if I decided to become Jill again, all I had to do was call her. I never again got dressed up, and kept my feelings to myself. I had become a novelty, even after a week or so and the furor died down. I never again asked a girl on a date for fear that I would suffer sharp barbs again, and until I graduated, I remained a low key as possible. Since then I have gotten dressed a few times, but always refused to go anywhere. The stain of publicity had soured my openness, causing me to retreat right back to where I started from, my bedroom. The money I received was put in a savings account, which was mine to spend, but I never touched it, afraid that if I did, I would find myself tumbling back into the endless cycle of trying to be what I wasn't, a girl. To this day I have only managed to make it as far as the familyroom when I do get dressed up, the constant fear of humiliation causing me to withdraw into myself.

We never did find out who reported me as an unwed mother, and I have nothing but contempt for that person, because I might have been able to be myself if I had not been forced into court. The biggest lesson I learned in all this is being pregnant is a bitch, but facing yourself in the mirror is worse, especially when the only thing you hold on to for comfort is doubt. It corrodes self esteem like acid does to metal, and leaves no room for hope, which I am fresh out of.

since 8/19/06