Shown the Way
by Valerie Hope
"Justin. Wake up, Justin."
He groaned feebly, trying to roll away from the cruel light
assaulting his comfortable darkness. His hands were restrained,
as were his legs. He had no choice but to open his eyes.
"Where " he managed through cracked and swollen lips.
"We found you. Three days ago. It's taken us that long just to
find out who you are."
"Klaus. Where's Klaus?"
The imposing silhouetted figure only shook his head. "Your
partner didn't survive, Justin. I'm sorry. You have my deepest
condolences."
Justin coughed, and it awakened fresh agonies in his chest and
neck. Cool hands reached from the sunlit haze around him and
tried to ease his pain.
Poor Klaus. A good cop. Didn't deserve to die. But that was the
way of the badge, these days. You have to know what you're
getting into when you sign on the dotted line. You weren't there
to protect and serve anymore. It was a war out there, and Klaus
had been a good soldier. Like himself.
"Where am I?"
"You're resting in St. Ambrose's ICU. You were shot up pretty
badly," the man said.
"Are you a doctor?"
"No," the silhouette said, stepping forward. He wore military
fatigues and his hair was cropped short in the style of the
modern soldier. His left pectoral bore the ribbons of many, many
campaigns and the scar which descended from his left eye to the
base of his jaw was yet another testament to his valorous
service. "I'm Colonel Bream. You don't know me."
"What do you want with me?"
"I heard about what happened to you and your squad. I thought I
could come and discuss a few things with you."
"What things?"
The Colonel gestured to a chair just inside Justin Abbott's
field of vision. "May I sit?"
Justin managed a feeble nod. The Colonel sat heavily, betraying
fatigue. He held out a hand and an unseen aide placed a folder
into it. The old soldier leafed through it casually.
"Detective Sergeant Justin Washington Abbott, Metro Police Rapid
Response. Twice decorated for valor in the face of danger.
Wounded seven times - eight, now - in the line of duty. Due to
receive the Municipal Cross for dedicated service to the people
of Metro South commonwealth. Joined the Metro Force in 2003
after four years' service in the Army as an infantryman.
Promoted from patrolman to detective in eight years. Very
impressive. Of late, placed in command of Third Unit Rapid
Response Team in accordance with Federal legislation against the
cartels. Your last assignment was to gut the courier system of
the Malaggio cartel."
"I almost had the sons of bitches, too," Justin spat. "We were
set up. Somebody tipped Malaggio and his boys off. We were taken
down like rookies."
"I know, son," the Colonel said. "Only six of your unit
survived."
Justin shut his eyes to keep back tears of frustration and
anger. Six left out of twenty-four. So many good men and women
lost. "Who?" he choked.
"Jerry Cabot, Everett Keith, Marlon Tompkins, Larry Kelly and
Peter Karanikov are in ICU, in about the same shape as you. Gene
Delveccio is still unconscious."
"That's my whole fire team," Justin said. "What happened to the
rest?"
"When you penetrated the warehouse the Meraggios moved in
outside. They eliminated your entire perimeter with a chemical
attack."
"That bastard gassed my boys," Justin said bitterly.
"They didn't live long. Mop-up was quick. The perimeter teams
weren't the real target. Apparently, Giancarlo Meraggio has a
personal score to settle with you."
"I personally captured over half his annual income last year,"
Justin said. "He swore he'd take me down. I didn't let him get
close. Until "
The Colonel put a warm hand on his arm. "Rest easy, Detective."
"Tell me the rest," Justin said softly.
"He'd rigged the warehouse. The counterfeiting presses and the
labs you found were all fakes. You led your men into a bomb. To
your credit, you managed to get your fire team into the office,
which had its own ceiling and concrete retaining walls. It's the
only reason you and your boys are alive. Klaus Mueller and Tommy
Duncan were closest to the doors and they didn't make it. The
rest of you sustained major injuries but were alive. The Metro
Force carried you out in body bags to make it look convincing."
"So Meraggio thinks I'm dead," Justin said.
"We hope so," Bream said. "But that's not why I'm here."
Justin struggled to sit a little higher, tired of looking like
an invalid. "Then why?"
"I'm recruiting," Bream said. "You and your men are all
honorably discharged under Article Nineteen. You're pulling your
pension as we speak, Detective. And under conventional
rehabilitation, you and your men aren't going to be back in
action unless it's pushing papers. But the Army has avenues that
the Metro doesn't. I'm offering you and your men a chance to
take another shot at Meraggio."
"Explain," Justin said, obviously interested.
Colonel Bream was very matter-of-fact and brisk. "You realize
that you have lost both your legs, Detective?"
Justin knew. Somehow, he'd known while he was asleep. He'd
thought that if he hadn't mentioned it, hadn't looked down at
them, then it hadn't happened to him yet. No more running in the
mornings, no more racing Jerry and Marlon up the stairs to the
briefing room on Friday. He sighed heavily - no use bitching
about it now, so Meraggio had taken his legs away - and nodded.
"All of your men are similarly injured. Everett Keith is gone
from the waist down, dependent on dialysis simply for survival.
Peter Karanikov lost his arms and his sight. Marlon Tompkins is
paralyzed from the neck down and is breathing on a respirator.
All of you can be repaired to a certain extent, but only after
years and years of conventional rehabilitation."
"Define conventional rehabilitation."
"I mean medical science as it stands right now," Bream
clarified. "Even the best geneticists and surgeons in the world
can't grow you new legs. I'm sorry."
"And you have an option," Justin asked skeptically.
"You may not consider it as such, but it does give you an
opportunity to be whole again and also to get another shot at
Giancarlo Meraggio."
"I'd sell my soul to the Devil himself for that," Justin said
bitterly.
Bream reclined, handing the folder back to his aide. "Be careful
what you wish for, Detective."
There was a long pause. Justin finally broke the silence. "Go
on. I'm listening."
Bream sat forward and regarded Justin over steepled fingers.
"Are you familiar with the name Shamir ibn Rakad al-Hassra?" he
asked.
Justin beetled his brow. "He's suspected of funding the cartels
when they first formed in the late 90's," the detective said.
"He's untouchable. Lives in a fortress in the Caribbean and has
a standing army all fanatically loyal to him. Believes that his
work is going to rid the world of the United States for the
glory of Allah or some idiot shit like that. Nobody can prove
it, but the rumor is that he runs the four cartels somehow -
Meraggio for counterfeiting and fraud, Luccese for drugs, Nkembe
for slavery and gunrunning and Mendoza for slavery and gambling.
Some of the real freaks in Washington still think that al-Hassra
has some kind of 'master plan' and he's using the cartels to
bring it about."
Bream nodded. "And the Federal government wants to know what
that plan is. And we want al-Hassra killed and all his cartel
heads either dead or in prison."
"No can do, chief," Justin said. "al-Hassra can't be extradited
and he can't be dug out. There's no way for the U.S. to pull it
off."
"That's why God created Covert Ops, son," Colonel Bream said
simply.
Justin wasn't amused. "So you want to send some spooks in and
take him out. Where do me and my boys fit in?"
"We need you to do it," Bream said. "You know more about how the
cartels work than anyone in the country. You've fought them all
at one point or another. You know how they keep themselves
informed and how they keep themselves supplied."
Justin laughed a bitter laugh. "Us? Wasn't it you who just told
me that we're shot to shit and most of us are in pieces?"
"Yes, son, it was," Colonel Bream said patiently. "What if I
told you there was a way for you to get a whole new body?"
"I'd say you need to consider smoking something legal," Justin
said.
Bream motioned and the aide stepped from beyond the haze of his
vision's limits and dropped an impossibly overstuffed file
folder on Justin's bedside.
"Project Hierophant," Bream said. "An initiative begun in the
1980s involving cloning and recombinant DNA. A first stab at
eugenics, some said, creating a more pure and efficient human
being for the future. It was the real reason behind the Human
Genome project at the turn of the century. Project Hierophant is
the fusion of about six different areas of genetic science. Now
it's advanced past the prototype stage, but we have to have
volunteers. There are too many ethical and moral problems to
just draft people. Half our research team would walk away if
they thought for an instant that we'd coerced anyone. I
approached you and your men because they had the least to lose.
"I checked," Bream went on. "None of you have any family or
connections, no wives and few prospects. You're the perfect
candidates."
"To become some kind of superheroes? It sounds really cool,
Colonel, but it doesn't get us any closer to al-Hassra. Unless
you're counting on making us look Middle Eastern and training us
to speak Arabic and shit like that."
"He'd never trust you enough to let you close," Bream said.
"al-Hassra is paranoid about who he lets close to himself, even
in that fortress of his. He's guarded almost every minute of
every day, particularly when the cartels are near him. Sending
you in like that would mean you'd have to be in the military
force on the island and you'd be kept far from where anything
important was going on."
Justin's brows lowered. "So how are you planning to get us close
to this puke?"
Bream's tone was controlled and even. "He takes his pick of the
slave trade as they're brought through to serve as his household
staff."
"So we'd be what? Butlers? Shoeshine boys?" Justin asked.
Bream cleared his throat. "You'd be his harem," he said simply.
Justin didn't grasp it straight away. "What, you mean
al-Hassra's homosexual? I thought that was some kind of sin
against Allah or whatever Holy shit! You can't be serious."
Bream only nodded.
"You want to make us all into chicks?" Justin asked.
"Not ordinary 'chicks,' Detective," Bream said. "In addition to
having all your skills, memories and intelligence, you'd have
physically perfect bodies. Immune to most infectious diseases,
enhanced strength, senses, stamina - you'd probably be more
efficient soldiers than you were before the attack. We'd see to
it."
Justin sank back in the bed. "But "
"Over half the world's population is women, detective," Bream
said. "They don't seem to think they have it so badly. And you'd
be doing your country a great service in addition to getting a
chance to take down Meraggio and his boss for all time."
"The other boys?"
Bream looked through his clipboard. "Keith and Tompkins have
agreed. They said that they didn't have the equipment to be
called men anymore anyway, so they don't have anything to lose
and they get a shot at Meraggio.
Karanikov is still thinking it over, as is Cabot. Kelly said he
wanted to wait and see what you said about it before he made a
decision, and as I said earlier, Delveccio is still unconscious
- although I feel that he's going to go the same way as Keith
and Tompkins, since he too will be paralyzed from the neck down
and is missing one of his legs."
Justin stared at the ceiling. "How soon do you need your answer,
Colonel?" he asked.
"ASAFP," the Colonel said "You'd be in the Project for three
months before you were ready to move. If al-Hassra does have
some kind of 'master plan,' then we're working against the clock
anyway."
Justin closed his eyes. "Put me down in the 'still thinking
about it' column," he said. "I'll have an answer for you by 0900
tomorrow."
The Colonel stood "It may be your only chance to get even," he
said.
Justin ignored him.
* * *
The Colonel and his aides came back at 0900 sharp, as Justin
expected. Justin was being moved by a horde of none-too-gentle
nurses into a more suitable position for talking.
"Good morning, Detective," Colonel Bream said brightly. "You
look like hell."
Justin managed a wry smile. "I feel like hell, thanks."
"Sleep well?" the Colonel asked.
"Not a wink," Justin answered. "Dreams."
"An unfortunate side effect of combat," the Colonel said with
eyes that spoke volumes. Justin knew in that instant that the
Colonel was a victim of sleepless nights himself.
"China?" Justin asked quietly.
"Quangxiu Province," he answered just as quietly. "But that's
not why I'm here."
Justin sighed just as his ruined body was lowered into place and
the nurses dismissed. He fixed the Colonel with his
hundred-mission stare. "I have some conditions, and some
questions."
"Understandable," the Colonel said. He raised an eyebrow towards
his chair of the previous day, and Justin nodded in response.
"Can you guarantee the success of this procedure?" Justin asked,
tapping the folder for Project Hierophant that the Colonel had
left with him overnight.
"No," the Colonel answered. "But we've tested it. It's not
lethal, or really dangerous anymore, not like it was six years
ago. The real problem has always been the psychological effects
on the subjects. They tend to develop emotional and mental
disorders at a frightening rate."
"Have you ever changed anyone's sex before?"
"No human," Bream said. "We will have some of the top experts in
gender psychology in the world attached to the project if you go
through with it, however. No effort or expense will be spared
for you or your men's safety and well-being."
"Good," Justin said. "Is the process reversible?"
Bream shrugged. "We simply don't know. We've never tried before.
Medically, I believe it might be. But the human psyche is a
fragile thing. I don't know if it could survive the trauma of
two transformations. As it is, only the remarkably strong and
resilient can survive one transformation without ill effects."
"What happens if something goes wrong during the procedure?"
"In all likelihood, you'll die," Bream said. "We're effectively
going to chemically transfer your brains into new bodies. If
that chemical balance is skewed, somehow, then the new body
simply won't wake up when we revive it. It will be painless for
you and your men. You'll go to sleep, and if you wake up it will
be in a new body."
"What're the odds?" Justin asked.
"About a 5 in 6 chance of surviving the physical procedure and
about a 2 in 5 of keeping it together mentally afterwards. But
those are rough figures and they're based on old results.
The project personnel get better every single time they run the
procedure on a subject. Every subsequent project learns from its
predecessors. You and your men will benefit from nearly 40 years
of testing and experimentation. It's the best shot we can give
you."
Justin nodded. "What happens afterwards? After the mission, if
it's successful?"
Bream nodded, expecting the question. "You will all be provided
with identities and an income at government expense. You can
keep the option of serving your country if you like, or we can
debrief and release you as private citizens. You can return to
your homes if you wish or relocate. The government will take
care of it all through the Witness Relocation Program."
"Good," Justin said. "Now, supposing we go through with it and
one of us cracks up during the mission. What then?"
Bream gave the most important answer he'd given all morning, The
one which Justin would base his decision on. "You're in command
of your unit, Detective. You decide what it is your unit will
and won't do by situation. You'll have your mission and the rest
of it is at your discretion. Your service record is more than
exemplary enough for us to trust you implicitly in the field."
Justin nodded. "I'm glad you see it that way."
Bream chuckled. "And I'm supposed to believe that you would have
volunteered if I hadn't given you that exact answer?"
Justin returned the chuckle. "Guess soldiers don't change, no
matter what uniform they're in," he said. "Okay. I just have two
conditions."
"What are they?"
"This has to be a unanimous decision by me and my men. One stays
out, we all stay out. We're two men short of a full fire team,
and we've all worked together before. We don't have the time to
both learn everything we need to learn, go through the project
and train up two rookies. Even shorthanded, we can work together
better than we ever could with new personnel."
Bream smiled. One by one, he laid signed documents in Justin's
lap, naming them off as he did so. "Marlon Tompkins. Everett
Keith. Jerry Cabot. Peter Karanikov. Gene Delveccio - he woke up
this morning at 0600. The only one left is Larry Kelly, and he
said he'll sign if you sign."
Bream passed an unsigned, blank release form to Justin with a
pen. The Detective looked at them as if they were live snakes
for just a moment, then steeled himself with an effort and took
the pen in his hands. A new life, a chance to walk again, a
chance to get some revenge on that sack of slime that had killed
his command.
Only at the cost of his gender and his identity. He closed his
eyes and saw Giancarlo Meraggio, wearing a $3000 suit paid for
with the blood of his comrades and his friends.
He signed the document.
Bream took it instantly, passing it to an aide with a whispered
instruction to go to Kelly immediately. He looked at Justin
proudly, and even with a touch of fear in the respect. Any man
who would sell so much just for revenge
"You mentioned a second condition," Bream prompted.
"Yeah," Justin said. "Can I be a redhead?"
* * *
Justin had been glad to see his men, just for an instant, before
he was put into life support for the trip to Fort Craig, a top
secret medical and training facility in the Tennessee mountains.
They were battered and broken, missing pieces, but they were
still his boys. Except that they wouldn't be for much longer.
Justin barely made out the outline of the cargo door of the helo
they were moving into through the tiny little window in his
containment unit - called 'tin cans' in military parlance - and
then only got the sensation of movement and acceleration.
A voice came over the intercom built into his tin can after
about thirty minutes. "Good afternoon, Lieutenant," someone said
over the connection.
"Lieutenant?"
"Your new rank in the United States Army. If you can feel, we've
placed something under your left hand. That's a Bible. Now, if
you'll repeat after me: I, Justin Washington Abbott, do solemnly
swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the
United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I
will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will
obey the orders of the President of the United States and the
orders of the officers appointed over me, according to
regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me
God."
Justin repeated the oath and closed his eyes. No longer a cop,
then, and back to being a soldier. It wouldn't have bothered
him, ordinarily, to just be plain old Justin Abbott and let
people tag him however they wanted, but soon he wouldn't be
Justin Abbott anymore.
"We're going to put you to sleep for a bit, sir. We'll be giving
you mild sedatives over the remainder of the flight to keep you
still more than anything else," the voice said. "Also, Project
Hierophant is going to begin you on a program of somnolent
learning to help ease your transition to your new body. Just go
to sleep and we'll start trying to teach you some of the things
you need to know."
"Roger that," Justin said. "Go ahead."
He began to feel drowsy and heavy just as he heard a voice over
the intercom, seeming coming out of the very air around him,
accompanied by strange, atonal music which made Justin think of
Thanksgiving at his mom's house. "There is nothing wrong with
being a woman. Your capabilities as a soldier and a human being
are not decreased in any way. Women are superb combatants,
organizers, commanders and technicians. Being a woman can be a
very joyous thing."
* * *
Justin awoke to a feeling of movement. He opened his crusted
eyes to see fluorescent lights marching by in an endless line
through the little window of his tin can. He felt like he
weighed a ton - the effects of the sedatives, he knew - and he
began to feel the first real effects of the fear that he'd
suppressed up until this point. He wished that there were
someone there he could see and talk to, someone he could be
strong for so he wouldn't have to acknowledge the fear and panic
he was feeling.
He chuckled, breaking the fear's hold. He'd wanted to bolt and
run. He wouldn't have gotten far on stumps, he told himself
wryly. And get two feet from that IV tube and you'd be one sick
little gimpy puppy. Hell, at least he wouldn't have to worry
about that anymore soon. He didn't care how great they looked in
stockings and heels, just as long as he had legs again.
He thumbed the intercom switch. "Where the hell am I?" he asked.
"How are my men?"
The orderly peeked through the little window in curiosity before
speaking. "You're at Fort Craig, uh sir. You landed about an
hour ago. Your men are fine, sir. They're right behind you.
Everybody's groggy but the vitals are strong."
"Good," Justin said. "Thanks, son."
"You're welcome sir."
Justin closed his eyes in hopes of getting some real,
non-drug-induced shuteye before the party started. He was
snoring lightly by the time he passed through the molybdenum
steel gates which shut Project Hierophant away from the rest of
the world.
* * *
Dr. Abell Norman surveyed the seven bodies floating in the
nutrient goo which kept them biologically alive, just waiting
for host intellects to be implanted to animate them. He rubbed
his graying beard thoughtfully and then shook his head as he
returned his attention back to Colonel Bream.
"I feel like a teenager drawing naked women in the back of his
history book," he said. "I can't believe you sent me pictures
from Playboy magazine to start the specifications from."
Bream chuckled. "al-Hassra has very specific tastes in women. We
have to be sure that he picks our people to be closest to him."
"I don't see how he can turn these away," Norman said, returning
to his notes. "They will be fully mature and ready to receive in
another nine hours, Colonel. The modifications and enhancements
you suggested are all in place and appear to be biologically
responsive."
"Excellent work, Dr. Norman. We'll have your subjects prepped by
1600, and you estimate that the new procedure will be concluded
for better or for worse by 1900."
"Correct," Dr. Norman said.
Bream did a quick time-table in his head, thinking aloud. "We'll
move them to the new sleeping units by 2000 hours, then, and by
2100 they should be ready to meet Dr. Richardson, don't you
think?"
Norman nodded, checking over his notes against a table printed
on a clipboard. "They should all be in REM sleep by then," he
said. "We can't determine the exact hour - we can't put them all
out because the new bodies have enhanced resistance to drugs -
but that's a good rough estimate."
"I'll be interested in seeing how Dr. Richardson works," Colonel
Bream said.
Norman chuckled. "I met her yesterday," he said. "She's very
good."
Bream cocked an eyebrow. "How good?"
"She could talk you into heels and a miniskirt if we gave her
the time, Colonel."
* * *
He found awareness. Somewhere - it didn't matter where. It
seemed safe. A pool of light in an endless darkness. Feet
stepped on something firm, lungs breathed something and the
heart beat. Alive was all that mattered.
"Hello," a voice said, emanating from everywhere and nowhere all
at once. "How do you feel?"
"I don't," he replied.
"Don't you? And why is that?"
"I think I'm dead," he replied.
"Oh, no, you're not dead. But neither are you truly alive."
"What do you mean?"
"You're somewhere in between. Somewhere a little of both."
"Who are you?" he asked.
"The question is, who are you?" the voice replied.
"I asked first."
"I'm a friend," the voice replied. "Can you trust me that far?"
He looked around at the endless blackness beyond the hard-edged
pool of white light. "I guess I don't have a choice."
"Not so," the voice said. "You always have a choice. You could
surrender."
"I'm not very good at that," he said.
"Can you tell me your name?" the voice asked.
"Justin Abbott. Lieutenant Justin Abbott."
"Pleased to meet you, Lieutenant."
"Yeah, great," Justin said. "Where am I?"
"Where do you think you are?"
Justin chuckled. "You must be a shrink."
"What makes you say that?" the voice asked.
"A normal person would have just answered me."
"You're very perceptive," the voice said. "Although I'm not sure
how to feel about not being classified as a 'normal person.'
Yes, I am a psychologist. I'm here to help you."
"I'm not crazy," Justin finished.
"Everybody is a little crazy," the voice said. "I just have to
make sure you're the right kind of crazy. And saying that you're
not crazy, well, that tells me that you have something to hide,
Lieutenant."
"Who doesn't?" he asked.
"Touch‚," the voice said. "Why are you hiding things?"
"Because they're nobody's business but my own."
"Ever consider talking to someone about them?"
"Nope," Justin said.
"Any reason why?"
"Because I can take care of myself. I don't need other people
interfering."
"You don't like other people very much, do you?"
Justin shrugged. "Some of 'em are all right, I guess. Others I
can give or take. Too hard to tell which is which."
"So you don't trust anybody."
"Roger that," Justin said. "It's worked for me so far."
"It just seems kind of lonely, that's all," the voice said.
"The world's a lonely place," Justin offhanded.
"Don't feed me bullshit, Lieutenant," the voice said. "That's a
pat answer, a rehearsed line. Give me the straight truth. Are
you lonely?"
"Yeah, I am," Justin spat. "What's it to you? Wanna fuck or
something?"
"No, but you obviously do," the voice said. "We were talking
about trust and all of a sudden you're talking about sex. It
must be on your mind pretty heavy to make that leap. How about
it, Lieutenant? You horny today?"
He smirked. "I'm horny every day," he said. "Comes with the
territory."
"How, then, do you expect to get laid if you don't trust anyone?
It must not work very well if you're lonely all the time."
"Fuck you."
"When's the last time you got some, Lieutenant?"
"Go to hell," Justin spat.
"No, really. When's the last time you got laid? A week ago? A
month?"
Justin's voice was acid. "Three years," he said. "You happy?"
"No, I'm not happy," the voice said. "That's terrible. A man who
is so lonely and so horny not having any way to look after his
own needs. It's tragic, really."
"Yeah, a real tragedy," he said. "Get to the point."
"I was just thinking that maybe if you opened up a little, tried
to trust somebody, maybe you'd be able to fill that void."
"I have a perfectly good right hand," Justin said. "And it's
better than a broken heart."
"Have you had your heart broken before, Lieutenant?"
"Who hasn't?" Justin shot back. "I notice we're talking a whole
lot about me. What about you? You're just some goddamn voice in
the dark, I don't know you. I don't trust you. And I'm supposed
to tell you my life story? Fat fucking chance, voice."
The voice chuckled. "Fair enough. Ask me a question, then."
"When's the last time you got some?"
"Two nights ago. I'm very happily married."
"Goody for you," Justin said. "Did you come?"
"Several times. My turn," the voice went on. "Why did you sign
that paper?"
"Because it's a chance to have legs again. It's a chance to get
back at Meraggio, maybe even kill the motherfucker," he
answered.
"Oh," the voice said. "That's all?"
"What else would there be?"
"I dunno," said the voice. "Maybe you wanted to know what it was
like to be a woman, for instance."
"Don't be stupid," Justin said. "I was born a guy. I was raised
a guy. It's all I know."
"Didn't you ever wonder, though, what it must be like?"
"I guess so," Justin said. "Once or twice, when I was a kid. I
never really thought about it."
"Tell me something," said the voice. "When you were a kid and
you wondered what it would be like. What were the things you
wondered about?"
"Sex," Justin said with finality.
"What it felt like to be with a man, you mean?"
"Not really," Justin replied. "I wasn't interested in men. I
just wanted to know what it felt like, I guess. Like I said, I
really didn't think about it much."
"Did you wonder what it would be like to look good? To turn men
on like girls turned you on? To look and dress like the women in
the magazines?"
"Nope, nope and nope," Justin said.
"Then why did you ask Colonel Bream to be a redhead?" the voice
asked.
Justin snorted. "It was a joke. You know, humor? Surely you've
seen pictures."
"Cute," the voice said. "But you had to have thought about it,
when you were thinking it over the night before. What kind of
woman you were going to be."
"All I was thinking about was the chance to kill Giancarlo
Meraggio. If I have to be a chick to do it, then I'll be a
chick. If I had to be a fire hydrant to do it, then I'd be a
fire hydrant. I don't care what it costs me so long as that fat
fuck dies screaming."
"Did you think about it, the night before? What you'd look
like?"
"Sure. A little."
"What did you come up with? Did you have a 'dream girl' in mind?
Somebody from your past, maybe, or somebody you remembered from
a movie? You can tell me. I won't let anyone know."
Justin relaxed a little. It was more the reaction that he'd get
from his boys that kept him from answering with complete candor,
really. He'd never liked being the butt of the joke, and like
all cops, respect was something very important to him.
"Okay, sure," he said, sighing. "Yeah, I had a thought. But it
was only that - a thought. I didn't dwell on it, I didn't think
about it for more than about a second, nothing."
"Who was she?"
He blushed a little. "She was a Playboy centerfold back in the
90s, named Tylyn John. She was hot as hell. I thought she was
the best looking woman I'd ever seen, and I thought that if I
had to look like a woman I could do worse than looking like her.
And that was it, okay?"
"But she held on long enough for you to ask to be a redhead.
Tylyn John was a redhead, right?" the voice asked.
"It was a dye job, but yeah," he said. "I only asked that
question because a) it was funny and b) I like redheads. Is
there any crime in that?"
"No crime," the voice said, "I'm just interested. Do you mind if
I'm interested?"
"Shrinks are never interested in anything that doesn't get them
the dirt on the head they're shrinking," Justin said.
"Well, look at it this way, then," the voice said. "You and your
men are all going to be women. Every last one of you. So how can
I use this 'dirt' against you? When you're a woman, do you think
you're going to be a 'fag' if you want to look good?"
"If I want to look good for men, you mean," Justin shot back.
"No, if you want to look good for yourself," the voice said.
"You said it yourself. If you have to be a woman, you at least
want to be a beautiful woman. You could do worse. That means
being a beautiful woman like Tylyn John is as good as it gets
for women."
Justin held his head. "I don't wait. You're talking in circles."
"I have to. I'm a shrink. It's in the bylaws."
"Do you or don't you want to be a beautiful woman?" the voice
asked.
"I guess I do," Justin said.
"So why are you worried about being called a 'fag?' Or people
laughing? Or wanting to look like a centerfold? Aren't
centerfolds for the most part beautiful women?"
"Yeah," Justin said, still confused.
"And you said it yourself. You want to be a beautiful woman."
"I never said that," Justin accused.
"Sure you did. Just a second ago. I asked, 'do you or don't you
want to be a beautiful woman' and you said 'I guess I do.' That
says to me that you want to be a beautiful woman, and it doesn't
even take a degree from Berkeley to figure it out."
"You're twisting my words around."
"I'm not interested in your words," the voice said. "I'm
interested in what you're feeling. So you want to look like
Tylyn John. Big deal! She's a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face,
sexy body, hair any woman would kill for. I'm looking at a
picture of her right now on the computer, as a matter of fact.
You have excellent taste."
Justin could remember clearly getting that magazine when he was
in college and being absolutely dumbstruck at the picture of
such a gorgeous woman. The look on her face made it seem like
she had the pictures taken especially for him.
"What are you thinking about, Lieutenant?"
"The first time I saw a picture of her," he said absently.
"How did she make you feel?"
"Horny," he said. "And I don't know the word for it."
"Try," the voice bade.