By L. Rochelle
(c) 1999 (c) 2000 L. Rochelle
lrochelle@zdnetonebox.com
This is my first attempt at writing of any kind, let alone a story. Please keep in mind that this is a work in progress and may be changed to reflect and enhance events that may occur as the story unfolds. I have decided to go ahead and post this story in an uncompleted form to Fiction Mania's Mailing list in the hopes of receiving some input and criticism. Also, I would like to point out that this story thus far contains no sex, but has a TG theme. So, if you are offended by such a story or are underage (-18), please deposit in the circular file.
At this point, I would like to thank several people for their patience and understanding. To ChilliTNG, thank you for editing this hack job and providing the instruction that I sorely needed to be able to write at all. To Janice Dreamer, for your kind words of praise for my developing writing abilities as well as a second editor. Thank you for taking the time to post this story to the list for me. And last of all I give special thanks to Wendy J for your encouragement and input. Your friendship and love has been an inspiration to me. I also thank you for believing in me and my abilities even when I wouldn't believe in myself. To all three of my dear friends I love you all and count myself lucky to consider you as the best of friends.
Sapphire has exclusive rights to archive this story at Sapphire's Place. All rights to "Making Lemonade" is mine alone.
Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
Janet sat in the tiny cubicle in the dressing room at the bridal shop, reflecting on the past four days. Had it only been four days? It seemed like a lifetime, and maybe it was. All she really knew was that she wasn't the same person who'd had Thanksgiving dinner with the Fishers. She shook her head in amazement. If someone had told her four days ago that she would be a female model and love it, she would have though them insane, especially after the Halloween nightmare. But here she was, finishing up her first paid photo shoot, and she had to acknowledge the fact that she'd loved it.
All things considered, the day had gone rather well. It wasn't until the end of the shoot -- well, the end as far as Janet was concerned -- when everything went wrong. Janet had to admit to herself that, even though the predicament couldn't have possibly been any worse, she wasn't feeling at all hopeless. She felt rather strange about that fact. Until a few days ago, life itself had seemed hopeless. But now, she not only felt like she had a future, she was looking forward to it. "Oh God, please. If this is all a dream... don't let me wake up," she silently prayed.
Was being a girl really that easy for her? Charlie seemed to think so. Sylvia treated her like she was, and she'd only known about her for less than a day. Mr. and Mrs. Fisher were noncommittal, but Janet was now realizing that they, too, saw her as a girl. Donna and Karen, in general, reacted to her as a girl, but, at times, displayed jealousy and hurt feelings.
Janet was pretty sure of the reasons for Donna's reactions. Donna had been pretty open about her feelings for Janet. Or, were they for Mark? Now that she thought about it, Donna had professed her love to Mark, not Janet, even though she had said "I love you" to Janet. Deep down, Janet knew those words were meant for Mark.
Karen was an enigma for Janet. She showed feelings for Janet that she hadn't previously shown for Mark. Did she feel Mark was beyond her and Janet made it easier for her to show her feelings? Somehow, she didn't think so. Certainly, Mark was handled with kid gloves; the girls were afraid to upset him too much because he might withdraw into his mental world. It seemed easy for him to live in his own reality, alone. Was Janet more stable than Mark?
Janet was intrigued with idea that Mark was someone else. Someone who seemed to be fading away to a point where he never really existed. She saw that Mark spent his life in a perpetual depression and was totally unaware of his state. He was so afraid of the world and his part in it that he learned to remove himself from it. He had given up on life, unable to imagine a joyous future, unable to truly care about anything except making sure he wasn't the cause of anyone else's pain. Mark only existed; Janet was determined to live. She wasn't going to bury her head in the sand.
Sitting back and closing her eyes, Janet relived the last few hours and mentally compared her reactions to how Mark would've handled it. She remembered when she entered the mall that morning and every eye was fixed on her. Her initial reaction had been an almost overwhelming terror, but that had dissipated rapidly when she recognized the stares for what they were -- admiration of her beauty. She was left with a sense of pride. She held her head high, smiling at anyone she made eye contact with. Mark would've felt shame, withdrawing into himself. Hell, he probably wouldn't have been able to remember anything that happened after that. Chances are that he wouldn't even have been able to finish out the rest of the day.
The other girls must have noticed the difference between Janet and Mark, too. They would've surrounded Mark, trying to provide some protection. But instead, they dropped back, allowing Janet to occupy center stage. Janet found it interesting that she hadn't been aware of what the other girls had done at the time. Now that she thought about it, she could also remember the hushed conversation that the other girls had tried to not let her hear....
Karen had looked over at Donna and saw the sadness in her eyes. "Donna? Are you all right?" she had asked.
Donna gazed at Karen, unable to hide her sense of loss. "He's gone," was the only thing she could get out as she stifled the welling tears.
"I know," replied Karen as she wrapped her arm around Donna's shoulders. "You really loved him, didn't you?"
Donna could only nod slightly as she continued to wrestle with the threatening tears. A moment later she took a deep breath and said, "I still do. Oh... Karen, what am I going to do?"
Karen gave Donna a little squeeze with the arm she had wrapped around her shoulders. "I really don't know what you should do about Mark, but I think we need to make sure Janet knows she has friends that are there for her. As hard as it is for you, just think what she must be going through."
Donna looked up at Janet walking ahead of her. She noticed Janet's poise and confidence. "I think Janet's handling it pretty well. I'm worried about Mark, though."
"So, she's noticed it, too," thought Karen. There was a distinct difference between Janet and Mark that was readily apparent if you knew both. As much as she loved Mark -- and she loved him dearly -- Karen felt certain that Janet was the better choice. She did, however, feel a little guilty -- Janet appealed to her in ways Mark never did.
Donna and Karen were forced to file their concerns for later contemplation when they looked forward just in time to avoid running right into Janet, who had stopped in her tracks directly in front of the bridal shop. Donna looked up at Janet, concerned about her state of mind, and thought she saw Mark make an appearance. The emotions that played across Janet's face were so varied and short lived that Donna couldn't be absolutely sure of what Janet was feeling.
The corners of Janet's mouth tilted upward slightly as she remembered her reaction to the barely controlled chaos of the bridal shop. Her first response was panic, but that disappeared nearly as fast as it reared its ugly head. Next, she felt overwhelmed, but that, too, was quickly dissipated. Finally, she was left with a confidence and excitement that she couldn't ever remember experiencing. Nothing in her whole life had ever inspired a feeling of anticipated joy before and she was determined to hold on to it.
The activity within the bridal shop seemed completely disorganized. In the main showroom of the shop, several girls were milling around. Some were chatting excitedly, while others were casually going through the racks of formalwear. Two women were with one of the girls, holding sample cards up close to her face and making notes in a leather bound notebook.
Cindy, the shop manager, was on the other side of the showroom with four other women. Two of the women had their arms loaded with several gowns, while the other two were hurriedly responding to Cindy's orders. Cindy had another leather bound notebook that she would look at and then issue orders.
Nearly out of view of the showroom, Janet caught glimpses of John and Carol directing a half a dozen assistants. The assistants appeared to be scurrying around, nervously trying to keep up with John's barked commands. Janet cringed slightly as she tried to imagine how it would be working with the man.
Cindy was the first to see Janet and her entourage and immediately went to John and Carol. Carol briefly glanced to the front of the shop and then called to someone in the dressing rooms. John visibly brightened and both he and Carol made their way to the group.
Charlie gently pushed through the group to end up standing next to Janet. He really wasn't sure why he felt the need to be next to her; he just did.
As they approached, Carol said to John, "See, don't they make a lovely couple?"
Charlie wasn't entirely comfortable with Carol's comment. Part of him was intrigued with the observation, but, mostly, he felt confused and unsure of how he felt. For reasons he couldn't define, the thought of him and Janet as a couple seemed wrong. At first, he figured it was because Janet was a boy, but he soon realized that there was more to it than that. She was not a boy, no matter how hard he tried to think of her as such.
"You get lovelier every time I see you, my dear," John said sweetly, gently placing a finger under her chin. The sugary tone of his voice was laced with a deviousness that reminded Janet of ant poison -- the ambrosial attraction that turned out to be a deadly trap.
"Charlie, if you would go on up to 'Marcus Wilcox', they are waiting for you. Afterwards, please return here," Carol said in a businesslike manner.
"Be quick about it. We have a very busy day," John added in his self-righteously commanding tone. He then bellowed, "Susanne!"
Susanne had just made her way to the group gathered near the front of the shop when John yelled. She was having a rather difficult time stifling her anger. After all, she didn't work for him anymore and she wasn't willing to take his abuses any longer.
Janet's quick mind took in John's attitude and Susanne's reaction to it. "Mr. Carlton..."
"Ahhh... you may address me as John, my dear. After all, we shall be working together," he interrupted.
"MR. CARLTON," said Janet, unaffected by his sweet placation. "Susanne is now employed by me. NOT YOU! You shall treat her in a civilized manner."
"My dear, you will find it unwise to provoke me. I can be your best friend or your taskmaster. I can make you a superstar or let you slip into obscurity. The choice is yours."
"Mr. Carlton, it appears you are the one who needs to be on his best behavior. None of this was my idea or my choice. Since you found it necessary to railroad me into this, I think it is you who needs me, not the other way around."
John's anger rose exponentially, but he kept it under control. As much as he required everyone around him to bend to his will, he knew Janet was right. If he wasn't careful, this one would end up controlling him. He knew she was intelligent -- the mesmerizing quality of her eyes betrayed it -- but he was now starting to see she possessed something lacking in most intellectuals; common sense. He was going to have to take care not to underestimate her again.
He turned and stalked off to the stage area of the shop, leaving a startled assemblage in his wake.
Susanne was the first to regain her composure. It was going to be a pleasure working with this one. "Janet, sweetie, John is correct in that we do have a busy day ahead. So, shall we?"
As Susanne led Janet back to the dressing rooms, Carol's thought processes rebooted and she addressed the rest of the group. "Charlie, if you would please," she said, gesturing towards the mall.
Charlie, still in shock, looked at Carol, shrugged, then left the bridal shop. Mr. Fisher accompanied him, wanting to get away from the madhouse. Charlie had a renewed admiration for Janet. The girl had spunk.
"Donna and Kelly, please wait with the rest of the models," continued Carol, the business woman returning. "Mrs. Fisher, you and your party are welcome to stay. Are you sure you and Mr. Fisher wouldn't reconsider your participation today?"
"I think not," replied Mrs. Fisher politely, "but, thank you."
"I understand. I'm not the least bit satisfied with the way things were handled, either."
"Why would you hire a man like him?"
"He's the best in the business. This isn't the first time I've hired him and probably won't be the last, either. In the fashion world, you learn to tolerate the eccentricities of those who are necessary in obtaining your goals."
"No! I'm sorry, Carol, but I can't agree. No matter the reasoning, the ends never justify the means. It might serve you better to remember that in the future," chided Mrs. Fisher.
"Well, I've no desire to get into a debate. Suffice it to say, I'm in an industry that requires me to make decisions that conflict, on occasion, with my own sense of morality. I wouldn't survive the intense competition otherwise.
"Anyway, I've quite a lot to do yet. Make yourself comfortable. Help yourselves to the refreshments and buffet set up near the dressing rooms." Carol then entered the manager's office and shut the door behind her. She knew that the arguments she produced for Mrs. Fisher were the same ones that she used to convince herself. Was she right to compromise her morals for success? At the moment, she had her doubts.
"Oh... My... God," sighed Janet as she collapsed onto the little couch in the back of her changing area. She twisted her head around, releasing the pent up tension. "I can't believe what I just did."
Susanne sat down next to Janet. "I'm a little shocked as well." A smile formed on her face as she continued, "It certainly was a pleasure seeing John so humbled."
"Oh, Susanne. I don't know what got into me, but I'm gonna really need your help. I can't let Mr. Carlton think he owns me. Will you help?" Janet's voice betrayed her trepidation.
"Janet, I work for you. I'm here to help you in any way I can."
During Susanne's reply, Janet was shaking her head in disagreement. "No, Susanne. I need the help of a knowledgeable friend, not an employee. I need you to work WITH me, not FOR me. I'm really in the dark here and I need you to feel free to put your foot down if I'm going over the line. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm not sure what I might do. God, Susanne, I'm really scared."
The two embraced as Susanne replied. "Honey, it'll be a great pleasure working WITH you. And I wouldn't worry too much about crossing the line. Your kindness and your genuine concern for others are a large part of your makeup. I think that, no matter what happens, your good nature will prevail."
They hugged for several quiet minutes, until the entrance of Carol, Jacqueline, Kim, and Dennis. After that, the rest of the morning went by in a blur. Janet barely had time to take a breath, let alone think.
Janet had made eight dress changes and six makeup and hair changes, John showing his displeasure with all but the last. Charlie and Mayhem had returned to the shop decked out in tuxes just as she appeared in her first dress. They both looked so handsome in their formal attire that Janet felt uneasy about the thoughts running through her mind. When had she started seeing guys as handsome?
Janet found it strange that John still took nearly a hundred pictures of her in each of the dresses he disliked. Photos were taken of her and Charlie, her and Mayhem, and even several with the other models. She even had to pretend to dance with Charlie, Mayhem, and an older gentleman who was supposed to be the bride's father. By the time John was satisfied with Janet's dress, it was nearing noon.
John glanced at his watch and decided that he'd gotten all the shots he needed for the moment. "Listen up, everyone. We'll continue in the mall at one o'clock."
Upon returning to the dressing room, Janet was instructed to remove the gown she was wearing and would be wearing the rest of the day. The dress was altered slightly; mostly, the waist needed to be taken in an inch, which was only pinned. Carol wanted the alterations made permanent. Janet removed the gown with the help of Jacqueline; there were scores of tiny pearl buttons running up the back of the gown. She then donned one of the short silk robes and made her way out to the buffet.
Janet wasn't really all that hungry but she knew she needed to eat something. She picked up an apple and a pear and made herself comfortable on the steps of the stage. A few minutes later, Donna and Kelly joined her with one of the other models in tow.
"Are we having fun yet?" Donna asked, teasingly.
"Actually, yeah. Changing all the time is getting a little old, though."
"I'll bet. How many gowns did you wear, anyway? Seven? Eight?"
"Nine. Along with six makeup and hair changes. And my feet are killing me. I sure hope I can get used to this," replied Janet, trying not to sound like she was complaining as she looked at Donna. She briefly glanced at the other girl who had accompanied Donna and Kelly.
"I'm sorry. Where are my manners?" Donna apologized, noticing Janet's recognition of the other girl's presence. "Janet, this is Cassandra. Cassandra, Janet."
"Cassandra, it's nice to meet you," said Janet politely. She wasn't sure what else to say. The other models had been glaring at her all morning and she felt a little uneasy.
"It's nice to meet you, too. I must say, you're not what I expected."
"Oh," said Janet, her spirits sinking. "I don't know why Mr. Carlton chose me... I mean... you're all so beautiful... and I'm..."
"Just as beautiful," reassured Cassandra. "After watching you all morning, I think Mr. Carlton made the right choice. You have a presence that captures the attention of everyone around you."
"Thank you, Cassandra," Janet replied, feeling a little more upbeat, "but..."
"But what?" she interrupted. "My God, girl. You really aren't what I expected. You seemed so self-assured in front of the camera."
"Well... it's like this," said Donna, coming to Janet's rescue. "Until a few months ago, Janet thought she was ugly. She even avoided mirrors, if you can believe it. I think she still can't believe she's beautiful."
"You're kidding, right?"
"I kid you not. When we first met, she had a hard time believing that anyone wanted to be friends with her. I'm still trying to get her to dress more fashionably. You should see what she wears to school."
"Donna, please," Janet pleaded. She was afraid Donna wold reveal too much and Cassandra seemed smart enough to put two and two together and come up with the right answer.
"Janet, chill," said Cassandra. "To be honest, you seem... more human. We all thought you were stuck up... I mean... you didn't seem very friendly."
"I don't mean to be, Cassandra. It's just..."
"Please, my friends call me Cassy."
"Okay, Cassy. I've never really been good with people. I just can't seem to think of anything to say that doesn't sound stupid. So, I just keep to myself."
"Look who I ran into," said Karen, capturing Donna's and Janet's attention. With Karen were Sylvia, Nancy, Diane, and Kathy.
Janet flinched slightly, but Donna's lack of surprise made her realize that she should've expected the other girls to find out. After all, there were no secrets between them, but she still felt a little concerned. She was wise enough to know that secrets have a tendency to come out into the open at the worst possible time. Anyone who thought otherwise was a fool. And usually, the more who knew the secrets, the harder they were to conceal. For Janet, the question wasn't whether or not her secret would be known, but when and how it would be revealed.
"Well, I must say, you'll make someone a lovely bride some day," teased Diane.
Janet stared daggers at Diane for a brief moment, then smiled hugely and replied, "And you'll make a handsome husband some day. Of course, you'll have to watch your expanding hips closely."
Diane returned Janet's smile, licked the tip of her right index finger, and made a stroke in the air, indicating "score one for you". That was one of the things Janet liked about Diane; she could take it as well as she dished it out.
Nancy and Kathy stared in amazement at the quick wit of Janet. This response was so unlike Mark, who would've hung his head in shame. They both delighted in the blossoming personality of Janet, Kathy more so than Nancy, though. Kathy loved Mark as deeply as the others, but felt sorry for the shy boy who couldn't stand on his own emotionally. Janet was turning out to be who Kathy dreamed Mark would become.
Nancy, on the other hand, was torn between the happiness she felt for Janet and the loss she couldn't help feeling. One of the things that attracted her to Mark was that he needed the encouragement and positive stroking she got great pleasure in giving him. She loved seeing his spirits rise when she stroked his ego. Janet appeared to need none of that.
"Listen up, everyone!" came John's booming voice. "It's now twelve thirty. I would like to be ready to begin at one o'clock. Janet, if you would, please? I believe your gown is ready and you must be absolutely perfect."
Janet rose from the steps she was sitting on and retrieved the napkin she'd wrapped around the remains of the apple and pear she'd eaten. She gave each of the others a little hug and returned to the dressing room. Upon her arrival, she was immediately ushered into a chair for yet another round of hair and makeup. She was then literally locked into the gown, given the fact that there was no possible way to get out of it by herself. With the addition of tiny pearl clip-on earrings, she was pronounced perfect and ready for her debut.
Janet stood in front of the mirror, staring in awe at her image. Her makeup was subtle, but sophisticated, making her look like she was every bit the bride to be. Her hair was piled on top of her head with a few tiny tendrils curling down to frame her face that added just the right touch of elegance. As she gazed at the gown, it became obvious to her that everything done to her was done to enhance the glory of the gown.
It was the gown that entranced Janet. During the morning's madness, she hadn't had time to really get a good look at herself. The bodice of the gown was tightly fitted around her and consisted of sheer silky lace that went from her waist up to a snug neckline and continued down her arms to end in a loop that surrounded her middle finger. There were hundreds of baby pearls embroidered into the lace that added an air of sophistication. The effect instilled sensuality without revealing anything. The skirt of the gown encased her in layer upon layer of silky chiffon covered by yards of silk satin trimmed with lace. The gathered full skirt formed a teardrop shape that must have been at least six or seven feet in diameter and trailed behind her six or so feet.
As beautiful as the gown was, Janet wondered about the practicality of such a garment, but realized that it was designed for one purpose: to display the bride as she moved forward down the aisle. Now that she thought about it, Kim had been close at hand when she'd worn the gown earlier.
"Sheer perfection," commented Jacqueline. "That gown on you is nothing short of sheer perfection, Janet."
"Thank you, Jacqueline," Janet returned politely. "But this gown would be perfection on anyone."
"Oh, no. Granted, the gown would beautiful on any bride to be, but on you... you add a magical quality that brings to mind a fairy tale princess about to wed her dream prince. In all my years in this business, I've never seen the like."
"Jacqueline is absolutely right," said Susanne, causing Janet to blush just enough to add a demure innocence to her elegance. "You look fabulous."
Janet began running her hand lightly over the lace bodice, feeling the texture of the silk and pearls. She was getting lost in the sensation of the body hugging lace when Jacqueline broke her euphoric mental wanderings.
"Now, Janet. Be very careful. Those pearls are real. We wouldn't want to lose any."
Janet's hand snapped down to her side, while simultaneously her mouth dropped open. "But... there must be hundreds of them. This dress must be worth a small fortune."
"Honey, we call it a gown, and, yes... I believe the gown retails for thirty four thousand dollars."
Susanne noticed a sadness grow in Janet's eyes. "What's wrong, sweetie?"
"Oh, nothing," Janet lied. She looked at Susanne and realized that Susanne didn't believe her for one second. "It's just... well... I suppose I won't get to keep this gown."
"It's doubtful, dear. Besides, by the time you'll need a wedding gown, this one probably won't fit anyway. You still have a lot of growing to do yet."
Janet thought about the logic of how she felt. Susanne was right in that she really had no need for the gown. Now or ever, for that matter. She determined that she had to maintain her perspective. It was becoming too easy to get lost in the role she was playing. And it was a role, after all; she was a boy. Janet found it disturbing that she had to keep reminding herself of that fact. Of course, the task was made even more difficult when everyone around her seemed to forget, too. "You're right, Susanne. What use would I have for a wedding gown anyway?"
Susanne felt the bitterness in Janet's voice. It left her feeling sad for the child. What must it be like to be one of the most beautiful girls in the world, but knowing that it was all an illusion.? What was it like to know you can never live life to the fullest as a man or woman? She believed Janet had a better chance in life as a woman, but Janet would never know what it was like to really be one. Really, the only thing she knew for sure was that fate, Karma or God -- she wasn't altogether convinced that God existed -- had a way of working things out for the best. And she was determined to make sure Janet got the best life had to offer.
"Janet, sweetie, you listen to me. I don't know what forces are out there that shapes our lives, but it is obvious to me that things happen for a reason. As unusual as this situation is, I believe you can come out of it a better person than when you went in. As far as not ever needing a wedding gown... well... you never know. You may meet the man of your dreams and end up marrying him. Or, you might meet the woman of your dreams and marry her. Which ever it is, if you let your heart guide you, you'll know which is right for you. I've only known you for a few days, but one thing is clear: you can be and do anything you put your mind to."
Janet bowed her head, contemplating Susanne's words. She wasn't convinced that she could do anything she put her mind to and she was relatively certain that she would never be married. But, she did believe she could come out of this experience a better person. In fact, she felt she'd already had. One thing was for sure: life was going to be different. Janet looked up at herself in the mirror once again. The person who was staring back at her was, without a doubt, a beautiful bride to be. She decided that whatever future she had was unknown to her, but she had, at this very moment, a chance to experience something that most, if not all, men would never know. She allowed herself to be drawn into the fairytale, embracing the emotions that went along with it.
A smile formed on Janet's face. "I guess I'm ready as I'll ever be," she said, thinking out loud.
"Are you sure, sweetie?" asked Susanne, making no attempt to hide the concern in her voice.
"No, not really. I doubt I'll ever be sure about anything, but I do have a job to do."
"Yes... you do. But so do I. And mine is to take care of you. To that end, I feel I need to remind you that there'll be quite a large crowd out there. All of them'll be focused on you."
"Yeah, I know. But I really don't have much choice. There are a lot of people relying on me."
"Sweetie, you always have a choice. Your concern for others is admirable and one of the things that makes you unique and special, but you do need to learn consider yourself, too."
"But I do. You see, if something bad happens to someone and I could've done something to help but didn't, I would feel pretty bad about it. So, in a way, I'm a lot more selfish than you think. Besides, I don't really know why, but this all feels right somehow. Like it's meant to be."
Susanne shook her head and smiled. "Well, I have to agree with you on the last, but we'll have to work on the rest. I guess, if you're ready, we should get out there."
Janet took one more look at herself and, in doing so, she noticed for the first time the dress that Susanne was wearing. She'd been so preoccupied with herself that she'd forgotten that Susanne was supposed to be the mother of the bride. "Oh, Susanne. I'm really sorry. I've been so wrapped up with myself, I failed to notice how beautiful you look."
"Thank you, sweetie. But I'm just a bit player. You're the star!" she proclaimed proudly. "C'mon. We need to go."
Janet strolled down the concourse toward the food court and stage, Susanne along side, Kim slightly behind, carrying the train of the gown. The mixture of feelings that were racing through her couldn't quite penetrate her determination to experience the event as though it was really happening. She was certain that this was her only chance to be a part of something that most people took for granted but which she herself wouldn't even allow to be dreamed of. She wanted to remember this day for the rest of her life.
But as she neared the center of the mall, she stopped in her tracks. The crowd that was gathered in front of her caused the emotions she wouldn't allow to overwhelm her to break down her determination. She took several deep breaths, but they didn't help much.
Susanne, noticing the terror in Janet's eyes, reached over and took her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. She felt Janet's tension dissipate, rapidly being replaced with a confident determination. It still amazed her how easily this child adapted to unusual situations.
Janet gained a small measure of strength from Susanne. Her fears weren't completely quelled, but she was able to gloss over them with a confidence she couldn't remember ever having. She knew the crowd would be large, but never in her wildest dreams did she imagine it would be this large. There were hundreds gathered around the food court and all of them were waiting for her.
Janet started forward once more, tapping into Susanne's strength. As she progressed, the crowd parted, creating a path to the stage where a simulated chapel was set up. She was acutely aware of the photojournalists snapping pictures and the video cameras with their bright lights that were blaring in her face. Janet realized that, up until this point, she could've bailed on this new life that she never asked for. But now, Donna's words came back to haunt her -- "Janet, I hate to burst your bubble, but heads have always turned as you walked by. You've just learned to ignore it. You never were as anonymous as you thought." She really wasn't sure about the validity of those words, but it really didn't matter now. Anonymity was no longer possible.
As Janet entered the mock chapel, she couldn't help being drawn into the atmosphere it created. An aisle leading up to the stage was formed by row upon row of plush chairs on either side. There were even a few people seated and Janet realized that, to gain the proper effect, the seats were going to be filled. The stage was truly a work of art. It was surrounded with white curtains, open in the center which allowed a view of the fountain. It didn't look like a fountain, but more like a waterfall. Just below the opening were what looked like rocks with moss growing on them. There were several shrubs and trees on the stage and the total effect made it look like a tropical forest. What a wonderful place to be married. Very romantic.
John appeared in front of her, looking annoyed. "Well, it's about time. We have a lot to do." But as he began to look her over, his demeanor changed to almost an admiration. "Absolute perfection, my dear. Well worth the wait." This attitude didn't last long, either. John went into his professional mode and began directing everyone through a quick rehearsal. He made it clear that he wanted everything to go smoothly, but he wouldn't hesitate to interrupt the proceedings if he didn't like what he saw. He wanted to get it all in one go round, saying that the best pictures would come from everything happening just as if it were a real wedding, but he would make everyone go through it as many times as necessary.
By the time everyone knew their roles, where they were to be, and what they were supposed to do, Janet was completely immersed in her part. She was the blushing bride, about to wed the man of her dreams.
The music began and the bride's maids filed down the aisle. Taking their places to the left of the stage, the ring bearer started down the aisle. He was a little boy about five or six years of age who Janet was told was Cindy's son. He looked so cute in his little tux. Following him, Kelly began her trek down the aisle, bearing a basket of flower petals which she sparingly spread on the floor before her.
Janet took the arm of her escort, a very handsome older gentleman who was playing the part of her father, and began her march down the aisle. She first noticed Susanne holding a handkerchief, poise to dab at the tears welling in her eyes. She smiled lovingly at the woman who was playing her mother. Her attention was then drawn to Charlie and Mayhem standing to the right of the stage. As she looked into Charlie's eyes, she became transfixed to the passion that appeared there. Was Charlie as absorbed in the ambience of the scene they were creating as she was? She couldn't tear herself from those eyes and began to feel a warmth rise from deep within her.
All too soon, Janet was presented to Charlie. As she took the hand he offered her, a tingling sensation ran up her arm and through her body, heightening her senses to the point she could feel every inch of her being. The feel of the lace that hugged her upper torso. The layers of silk chiffon that flowed around her legs. The building warmth and electricity that caused her swollen nipples to harden. She had never felt this wonderful in her whole life and hoped it would never end.
Janet and Charlie stood transfixed, staring in each other's eyes as the proceedings continued. They made their vows sincerely, still unable to break eye contact. Even when it became necessary to look at each other's hands to place the rings, the moment their gazes locked again, it was as though they were one.
"You may now kiss the bride," announced the mock preacher.
Without any thought, Janet placed her hands on Charlie's shoulders. Charlie snaked his arm around Janet's waist, gently pulling her close. Using his other hand, he tilted her head, lowered his and gently pressed his lips to hers.
Janet began to lose herself in the passion of the moment. She fell further into a world where the only thing that mattered was the sensations she was feeling. She immersed herself deeper into the kiss. Her whole body tingled with the heat that was building within her. She reveled in the ecstasy that took over her being and continued to build to new heights.
In response, Charlie increased his efforts. He, too, was losing control. The luscious softness of her lips combined with the faint flavor of apples and pears was driving him crazy with lust. Parting his lips, he delicately used his tongue to coax her lips to part and allow him entry.
Janet parted her lips in response. But, as they began a bout of tongue tag, the heat within that had built to point where she was sure she would burst into flames at any moment, released and flowed back and forth through her body in waves of ecstasy that showed no sign of dissipating. The electric charge stored in every nerve of her body finally released as well and felt as though her whole nervous system was going to short circuit. All time seemed to stop as wave after wave of pleasure surged through her body, but as she felt Charlie's body tense and then relax, his efforts slowed.
As the waves slowly diminished in strength, reality started to creep in and she became aware of a steady din. Moments later, Charlie loosened his hold on her and she opened her eyes. The din that was ringing in her ears turned out to be the crowd applauding and cheering. This realization caused Janet's face to flush with embarrassment and she tucked her head against his chest.
Charlie released one arm and turned to the crowd, gently forcing Janet to face the crowd as well. Her embarrassment was overshadowed by her happiness. But as she glanced at the crowd, panic began to set in. Her eyes locked onto the trio standing next to Karen and the other girls. She blinked several times, trying to make the nightmare disappear, but it was no use. Standing there watching her were Joe, Jay, and Jay's mother. It was obvious to her that Jay's mother hadn't recognized her, but it was equally obvious that both Jay and Joe had.
There was little doubt in Janet's mind that Joe was extremely angry and she prayed he would control himself. Jay, on the other hand, was hard to read. His expression showed surprise and a hint of embarrassment.
Janet turned away from the crowd, spinning out of Charlie's arm as she did. The panic was rising steadily and forcing any logic from her mind. In fact, there was only one thought -- "RUN!!!" She frantically searched for an escape path. Spying the bridge to the right of the stage, she took a couple of quick steps toward it, but the multiple layers of chiffon began to wrap around her ankles. She reached down and gathered up the front of the gown, then took off as fast as her attire would allow. She went over the bridge and down the steps, but she had to slow considerably to push her way through the crowd. Breaking out into the open, torrents of tears streaming down her face, she ran at a pace that seemed impossible for someone dressed as she was.
Side-stepping Mrs. Fisher, who'd been waiting for her to emerge from the crowd, Janet ran down the concourse. She turned into the bridal shop and went directly to the dressing rooms without breaking stride. When she reached her dressing area, she collapsed onto the pedestal, great wracking sobs causing her body to heave spasmodically.
Mrs. Fisher followed Janet at a much slower pace, wondering how Janet could run so fast. When she entered the bridal shop, she stopped and quickly searched the shop. Cindy, who was busy with a customer instead of at the wedding shoot because they couldn't afford another day being closed during the busiest shopping weekend of the year, discreetly indicated that Janet was in the dressing room, concern written all over her face. Mrs. Fisher went into the dressing room and found Janet slumped on the pedestal, sobbing uncontrollably. She sat on the edge of the platform and gathered her into her arms, whispering soothingly. "It's all right. Get it all out."
Susanne showed up moments later and joined Janine in comforting Janet. Donna arrived a minute after that and began gently rubbing Janet's back, letting her know that she was there, too.
Exhaustion took hold of Janet's body as her tears subsided. She felt herself sinking into that world Mark goes to, where she would be safe from harm. A place without thought or emotion. A place where no one could touch her. A place where she only existed. Not feeling. Not thinking. Not living.
"NO!!!" her mind screamed, abruptly returning to reality. "I WILL NOT HIDE!!!"
Mrs. Fisher tightened her embrace in response to the renewed tension in Janet's body. Janet had to stop running.
Forcing herself to relax, Janet was finally allowed to move. She looked up into Mrs. Fisher's eyes and immediately dropped her head in shame. "I... I..." she began, but her shame wouldn't let the words come.
"Shhhh... Let it go," said Mrs. Fisher, lightly stroking Janet's head.
Janet looked up again. "But I feel so ashamed."
"Now, now. Sweetie, you have nothing to be ashamed of."
"But..."
"But what?"
"But I kissed Charlie," said Janet with a hint of disgust in her voice.
"So. The situation required you to."
"But you don't understand."
"Oh, I think I do," said Mrs. Fisher knowingly. "You liked it and you think it's wrong."
Janet's eyes widened in surprise. "You could tell. Oh God, I'm going to hell. I just know it."
"Now, stop that. You are not going to hell," she admonished. "Anyone, and I mean anyone, would've succumbed to the moment. I did. And I know Mr. Fisher did too."
"Huh?" said Janet dumbly.
"That's right. When you two kissed, my heart soared. I was so overjoyed that two people I love dearly were so happy together."
"What?" she replied incredulously. "You think Charlie and I should be together? But, we're both guys."
"Are you sure? Your body doesn't seem to think so." She paused to let her words sink in a little. She hadn't intended to open that can of worms just yet, but Janet really needed to get things into perspective. "And, just for your information," she continued, "no, I don't think you and Charlie should be together. For one, he's much too old for you. You still have a lot of growing up left to do. And two, Charlie is a lot like his father. Your personalities would clash."
"But, you just said..."
"I said I was overwhelmed by the emotions of the moment. Janet, sweetie, emotions are like that. They defy logic, drive out all common sense, and if we're not careful, make us do and say things that can be destructive. The trick is not to act on emotions only, but to temper our actions with logic. We need to find a balance between our emotional mind and our logical mind."
"Life would be much easier if I didn't have feelings."
"True. But life would be rather boring without emotions. Truthfully, our feelings are what make life worth living. Without them, what would be the point?"
"Yeah, well... what's the point anyway?"
Mrs. Fisher didn't have a response. What could she say to someone who is as gifted as Janet, but can't see her own self worth? Someone who thinks life is a curse rather than a gift? Someone whose whole existence is waiting for life to end so that her misery would end? How could she convince Janet that she had more to live for than most people on this planet? That life was worth living for its own sake? For the first time in her life, she felt useless, and she didn't like it. She realized that she was reacting far more emotionally and far less logically than a trained child psychologist should react. She knew at that moment that she'd have to find someone else who could help Janet professionally; she was far too close to this child to react as a professional should. She turned away from Janet, unwilling to let her see her pain. Unable to stop the flow of tears, unable to hide her deep sadness, Mrs. Fisher left the room, sobbing uncontrollably.
Donna briefly looked Janet in the eye, making no effort to hide her own sadness. Without saying a word, she stood and followed her mother out of the room.
Janet looked at Susanne in confusion. She was sure she hadn't said anything to hurt Donna and her mother, but there was little doubt that she had. Her bewilderment increased by the sorrow she saw in Susanne's eyes. Not wanting to cause any more pain for everyone, she lowered her head and mumbled, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to do anything right."
"Sweetie, don't be too hard on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong," said Susanne, taking Janet into her arms and stroking her head.
"Sure I did," she replied unhappily. "I just wish I knew what I said."
"Honey, it wasn't what you said, exactly... it's just that they're frustrated. They love you so much and it hurts to know you see life as pointless. They want to help, but don't know how."
"But why? I'm not worth the trouble!" she said with determination, angrily wiping the tears from her eyes. "Can't they see that?"
"No, they can't, and neither can I. The question is, why can't you see your worth? What makes you think you have nothing to live for? My God, sweetie. I've never met anyone who has more to offer, more reasons to live for than you do. I wish I knew how to make you see it, too."
"See what? That I will never be what I'm supposed to be." The moment the words were out, she regretted it.
"And just what is it you think you're supposed to be?"
Janet couldn't answer the question or rather, wouldn't answer it. She just couldn't make herself put into words what she'd always known and couldn't forget, no matter how hard she tried.
"Well..." said Susanne, unwilling to let Janet off the hook. "I'd really like to know."
Janet looked down at the gown she was wearing and then looked back up at Susanne. "Not this."
Susanne knew what she meant, but she wanted Janet to say the words. "Not what?"
"This," said Janet, lifting the skirt of the gown.
"What? A bride?"
"No... yes..." she said in frustration. "I'm a boy. I'm not supposed to wear girls clothes. I'm not supposed to look better in them than most girls do. I'm not supposed to like kissing other boys." She mumbled the last.
Susanne sat there holding Janet, deep in thought. How could she explain to this wonderful child that, yes, she probably would never look like the man that society defines as such? How could she make her see that most people's definition of a man is for the most part superficial at best? That what's important is what a person is inside? How could she enlighten her to the fact that being a man in society is a trap more binding than any form of slavery? Susanne had always felt sorry for the male of the species.
"Honey, let me ask you a question, and please, give me an honest answer."
Janet tilted her head up and looked into Susanne's eyes.
"What is a man?"
"A male human?" said Janet, her answer was more of question.
"Is that it?" smiled Susanne. "Because, if that is all that is required, then you qualify. Don't you?"
Janet pushed out of Susanne's embrace and began to pace back and forth, but the gown hampered her movement. After one circuit she sunk back down to the pedestal and concentrated on untangling her legs from the layers of chiffon.
"Don't you?" she repeated.
"No," sighed Janet, continuing her work with the gown.
"Why not? You're a male human, aren't you?"
"Well, yeah. But there's a lot more to it than that"
"Okay, what?"
"Men are supposed to be strong, so they can protect their families."
"Many men aren't strong, but they're still men."
"Well, yeah. But at least they look like men."
"Janet, you're good at math, right? I want you to think about something. If no two humans are exactly the same and, given all the possible differences, what are the odds of a man looking like a woman... or for that matter, a woman looking like a man?"
Janet shrugged. There really wasn't any way to come up with an accurate answer, because she just didn't have adequate knowledge. "I really couldn't say. But, I would imagine somewhere near ten million to one," she said, taking a wild guess.
"Well, I think it's probably less than that, but let's go ahead and use that number. How many people in this world would look like the opposite sex?"
"Six hundred or so."
"So, there are six hundred people in this world just like you. Six hundred people who aren't worth anything, according to you."
Janet finished toying with the gown and sat there with her hands in her lap, contemplating what Susanne had said. She just hated to think anyone but her was useless. Then why did she insist she was without worth? She couldn't come up with a valid answer.
Susanne realized she had gotten through to Janet and thought that was enough for now. "Now, why don't we get you out of that gown. I'll go find Jacqueline."
"Janet, are you ready?" asked Susanne, bringing Janet back to the present.
"Ummm... yeah. I'll be right out." She opened the door to the cubicle and stepped out.
The first person she saw was Mrs. Fisher. Feeling ashamed for having caused her pain, she bowed her head. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Fisher. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. It's just..." she trailed off. She just wasn't willing to accept that her life had value.
"I know, sweetie," she replied, wrapping Janet in a comforting hug. "It just hurt so much. I love you like one of my own."
"I love you, too." Janet returned the hug. Seeing Donna out of the corner of her eye, she held out her arm to her. "I love you, too, Donna. I'm sorry. I'll try to be a little more upbeat."
Donna joined the hug. When they separated she looked Janet in the eye. "Janet, I'm not going to let you ever feel bad about yourself. I'm warning you, I'm going to nag you about it ever chance I get."
Janet didn't know what to say, but she never really got the chance anyway. She was ushered into the makeup chair and Jacqueline proceeded to pierce her ears. Once the task was completed, she repaired her makeup.
Everyone felt that Janet had enough for one day, so they went back to the Fisher's instead of the shopping they'd planned to do. They ate dinner quietly, trying to put the events of the day behind them.
Mrs. Fisher wondered what it would take to make Janet see her own worth. She couldn't get past the sadness she felt and decided, for the moment, that her best course of action was to be there for Janet.
Donna considered her plan of attack. There just had to be a way to get Janet to blossom. She decided it was time for her and the girls to turn their talents to something other than revenge.
Charlie felt embarrassed and angry with himself for letting the situation get the better of him. His mind kept wandering back to the mall, refueling his the intensity of his emotion. He concluded that avoidance was the best way to go. Out of sight, out of mind.
After dinner, Janet changed back to Mark's clothes and Mrs. Fisher took him home. About half way to Mark's house, Mrs. Fisher broke the silence.
"Wow! What a weekend."
"I'll say!" said Janet, somewhat surprised by the comment. "Right now, it all feels like a dream. I'll probably wake up tomorrow and everything'll be back to normal."
"How are you doing?" came the motherly question.
She didn't reply right away. Ever since she returned to Mark's clothes, she felt confused. She just felt wrong, somehow and she knew she shouldn't. "Okay, I guess," she finally responded.
"What's wrong, sweetie?"
"Nothin', really," she replied, but she was sure Mrs. Fisher wouldn't accept that answer and tried to continue. "Its just... I... I feel... OH! I don't know."
"Sometimes, it helps to talk about it," she pressed gently.
"I know," she conceded. "Its just..." pausing a moment, "Mrs. Fisher? Do you think I'm gay?"
"I don't know, sweetie." Mrs. Fisher firmly believed that any decision along those lines could only be answered by oneself.
"Because, I'm sitting here, right now, and I hate what I'm wearing and I really feel good about myself when I look pretty and I really liked kissing Charlie..." she blurted out.
"First, just because you like the way you look when you're at your best doesn't mean you're gay. It just so happens that your best is a very pretty girl. And as far as kissing Charlie... well... do you like kissing the girls?"
"Oh, yeah," she said, reminiscing.
"Normal teenage heterosexual male response," she laughed.
"But what about Charlie?"
"Sweetie, it was just a kiss and a normal heterosexual female response."
"But I'm not a girl."
"Janet, you need to understand. It is possible that you are a girl. But, regardless, your body is trying to be a girl, which means you have female hormones flooding your body as well as your brain. Those hormones can affect how you feel and what you think. Give it time. But, remember, no matter what, you were born that way and it's not your fault. So, give yourself a break, okay?"
"I'll try." Janet knew that whether or not anything was her fault, she was the one who had to deal with her troubles. However, she felt a sense of hope, because for the first time in her life, she felt as though she had options. She was still miles away from making any decisions, but at least some possibilities existed and any one of them was better than before. Mark had resigned himself to existence, nothing more. Janet wanted a life.